10 Conservative/
WATER CURE TESTIMONIALS.
Dear Dr. Undo Sam : For some
time I have been troubled with a desire -
sire to shoot at anything blue. Also
I have had a strange reluctance to
showing perfect strangers where I
had buried my bolo and rifle. One
day I mot a kind gentleman , who
told mo to try Good Old Doctor
Uncle Sam's Famous Water Cure.
I rejoice to say that after taking a
barrel and a half of your celebrated
elixir I was able to stifle my impulse
to shoot , and was also able to disclose
the hiding place of my arms. I am
spreading the glad news of your won
derful treatment among my friends
and neighbors. Ananias Filipino.
Dear Dr. Uncle Sam : For the last
four years I have been an intermit
tent sufferer from insurgeutitis.
Yesterday some new-found acquaint
ances filled "me with rejoicing and
with sixteen gallons of your truly
wonderful remedy for lapse of mem
ory , failing eyesight , loss of speech
and other symptoms of iusurgeutitis.
I feel like a now man. I felt big
enough for eight now men. Yours ,
moistily , Sumatra Rapporiuo.
Dear , Dear Doctor : Send me an
other barrel of your wondrous cure.
I took two treatments last week , and
am beginning to be able to under
stand that I must not draw pay as a
policeman 'in Bataugas and also as a
lieutenant in the Filipino army. My
attendants promise me that another
treatment will broaden mo much , and
make mo able to comprehend many
things that I now seem to see swim
ming before mo. Your saturated hut
grateful patient.
Perditiono Lmlulu.
Dear Doctor : Please rush another
tank of your great euro immediately.
I feel as if I were abput to have a
relapse. I forget where my com
pany hid their guns. If I don't re
member by tomorrow my nurses
say they will connect me with
a fire hose. Maybe if 1 try one more
tank of your medicine this will not
have to bo done. Please rush this or
der , as the fir& hose is connected with
Subig Bay , and I would not like to
interfere with navigation. Yours ,
thirstily , Mauaua Ilililie.
To Whom It May Concern : This is
to certify that I have taken one
course of treatment , of Good Old
Doctor Uncle Sam's Expansion Water
Ouro for a severe case of abhor-
ronous manifcstus destinatum , and
that my thirst for information has
boon fully sated. I am teaching my
children to say "Heaven bless Good
Old Doctor Uncle Sam ! " Ono child
holds a quart , ono a gallon and a half ,
vw
and the other two gallons and a
tablespoonful over. All praise to
Good Old Doctor Uncle Sam , who is
demonstrating to the world that the
noble Filipino is a man of infinite
capacity. Hacienda Tortilla.
By Josh Wink , in Baltimore Ameri
can.
BANANA NUTRIMENT.
"Experts say that one banana con
tains as much nutriment as two
pounds of beefsteak , " remarked B.
Feetor at the dinner table , as ho am
putated a rich morsel from an inch-
thick porterhouse and conveyed it to
his month.
"And they are right , " responded
his friend , Dr. V. Getarian , who
calmly swallowed the ultimate bite
of his fifth banana.
"Then , according to that , " said
the carnivorous one , "you have
eaten for your dinner already the
equivalent of ten pounds of beefsteak.
Now if I should eat more than one
pound of steak I'd bo a * candidate
for the morgue , wouldn't I , doc ? "
Dr. V. Getarian cogitated silently ,
munching another mouthful of ba
nana two pounds of steak , so to
speak.
"But , " continued B. Feetor , "sup
pose we adopt the suggestion that , as
a matter of health and also to defeat
the beef trust , we take to the banana
as a substitute for beef. Lot us say
that for the average tamily' four
persons a two-pound beefsteak suffi
ces for a meal , with accompanying
vegetables. Instead of the two-
pound steak let us have one banana ,
cut into four pieces. Let the family
eat this banana , each person his or
her bite , in place of the customary
steak. They will have consumed the
equivalent of two pounds of steak
admittedly a square meal. Will
their appetites bo satisfied ? "
Dr. V. Getariau coughed slightly
as he devoured the equivalent of his
fourteenth pound of beefsteak and
reached his forK for an olive to help
fill up the abdominal interstices. St.
Louis Post Dispatch.
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