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THE
1 FUNNY MANS
II BEST
IS GIRL
You cant pick up u comic paper
without reading nliotit inc I am the
funny twins best girl He loves me
bettor tlitin u or Ills Chi
cago jIrl with the big feet I nni the
homely typewriter girl who la employ
ed by the gentleman with the Jealous
wife
Few of my renders can realize how
hnril It In to be u living Joke to be a
Hlster to the banana peel on the side
walk anil to the countrymans carpet
bag Let me assure you that it Is very
trying
1 wasnt always a homely girl Five
years ago I was quite pretty and at
that period of my life the humble type
writing Instrument was far below the
level of my ambitions 1 expected to
marry a rich man but the rich man
married somebody else and very Inop
portunely for me because it was Just
at that time that we all became poor
My mothers little fortune went to Aus
tralia in a trustees pocket and never
came back So my sister and I had to
go to work
Helen who was n great expert with
the camera and had won prizes In am
ateur contests until she couldnt have
carried her medals in a basket got a
position In a fashionable studio at 7
a week and I studied stenography and
typewriting I worked hard and be
came good at my trade
1 began my professional career at 95
a week and worked up to 15 Every
dollar advance cost me two pounds of
llosli I forgot how to dress or how to
11 x my hair There were wrinkles
around my eyes and my mouth was
set in an expression suggesting that 1
fed upon wornout typewriters and oth
er scrap Iron I had stood It well
enough until Helen lost her position
and mother fell ill Then I began to
do extra work in the evenings and on
Sundays and that was the end of my
youth Oh Its all true enough I was
a homely old maid at 2ol
When I too lost my position last
spring 1 felt well as soured and old
as I looked However It was not my
I HAD TO SIT IN THAT BIO
ALONE WITH IIEB FOB
AN IIOUB
fate long to endure the misery of the
unemployed In less thnn a fortnight
I had secured a position as secretary
to Albert Hnmlin the well known law
yer ob the newspapers say
I never shall forget that day It was
a strange melange of Joy and woo like
a life condensed In the llrst place
when I was wnltlng to have my trial
1 prayed heaven to give mo the posi
tion because I wanted so much to
spend my days In Mr Hamlins otlicos
They are high up In the Brayton build
ing and from the windows one cau
see everything
All the rooms In Mr Hamlins suit
were big hnndsome elegant So was
Mr Hamlin himself And he looked
so young I felt old beside him though
he was born ton years before I was
He greeted me as If he really wns
glad to see me and of course I never
thought there could be a reason for it
aside from the courtesy that properly
belonged to a man of such an aspect
The trial of my abilities which fob
lowed seemed brief and easy proba
bly because I expected fate to bar the
way to so good a place with unusual
dllllculties
I think I breathed twice maybe
three times in the ten minutes during
which Mr Hamlin wns examining my
work but when ho said This Is ex
tremely satisfactory Miss Blalsdell 1
drew one breath long enough to make
my average right
Then he offered me the position of
secretary he was careful to say secre
taryand Inquired If 120 a week would
be satisfactory In the beginning Twen
ty dollars a week Twenty gold mines
in the Klondike Wus It satisfactory
Well-
- PIBLDING -
Copyriitht 1800
by C W Hooko
1 went to work Immediately and real
ly had quite a busy day though it end
ed before 5 oclock
You wont tlud me so diligent on
the average said Mr llamllu as ho
prepared to leave the olllce 1 usually
wind It up about 4 Can you be hero
at 10 oclock tomorrow V
Ten to I Was I a banker
All this was too good to be true and
It came to me with an especial shock
of Joy because 1 had just had my llrst
experience of that peculiar fear which
comes from the failure to get work
the sensation that all doors are shut
and only the way that leads down to
abject poverty is left open When Mr
Hamlin had gone I actually sang for
the llrst time In months
Our olllces were at the east end of n
corridor Midway down this corridor
are branches to right and left like the
arms of a cross and on the sides of
these arms are the elevator shafts
On my way to an elevator Just be
fore I reached the intersecting hall I
dropped a glove and as I stooped to
pick It up I heard two olllce boys talk
ing as they waited by the shafts They
and I were not in sight of each other
though so near One of the boys 1
knew to be In Mr Hamlins employ
and this was the conversation 1 over
heard
A I Hamlins got a new typewriter
Homely as the last one
Is she Say the other one was a
dream alongside of this one Shes a
sketch She looks like 0 cents marked
down to 12
His wife wont let him hire any oth
er kind they say
And thats right Shes a dragon
for sure Hut this new girl will Just
suit her eye Thin Say shes so thin
that the seam down the middle of the
back of her dress waist sticks out on
both sides of her When Mr Hamlin
saw her he knew hed struck the real
thing and he engaged her in a holy
minute Ho Isnt hunting trouble that
man
Down 11 cried the elevator man
BOOM jCCT
and down went my henrt down down
Into the subcellar of despondency
Isnt It silly In one to be so hurt by
the rough side of the truth Those
boys hadnt told me any news about
myself nnd why should 1 care for
their opinions Yet while I stood
there waiting for the next car two big
tears of misery welled out of my eyes
nnd ench found a good deep wrinkle
to run awuy In
It wns menu of fate to spoil my day
I had been so happy nnd now I must
think nil tho way homo that this big
kindly man whoso praise of my work
hnd pleased me so much had really em
ployed me only becauso I was a
sketch
Theres no doubt that I was hurt
Tho next morning though I felt It
might jeopardize my brend nnd butter
I ventured to fix my hnlr a bit and
make my dress look a little more be
coming
Mr Hamlin seemed to notice tho
change In my appearance and I
thought he showed alarm Ho was In
the otlice only nbout an hour that fore
noon nnd I had nothing to do while he
was away except watch tho vessels in
the East river and wonder why 1
couldnt be cheerful any more
About 12 oclock Mrs Hamlin sud
denly appeared I had to sit In that
big room alone with her for half an
hour and It was a trial She pretend
ed not to know that I was alive but
she had studied me from all points of
view before she had been there ten
minutes
After awhile 1 got scared and I be
gnn surreptitiously to muss up my
hair pull my necktlo around to one
side ami generally disguise my manj
THE NORFOLK NKWS THURSDAY XTOHKK 11 I6TM
nt mictions 1 put on the sourest face
that mortal ever wore and cuffed the
typewriter as If 1 had been a hired
nurse and It n baby
Mr Hnmlin didnt come back when
he was expected and by ami by the
lady took her hatchet face ami cold
gray eyes out of the olllce 1 breathed
a sigh of relief It seemed to me that
1 had passed the Inspection fairly well
It was wonderful In the days ami
weeks that followed how Mr llamllu
was always out when Mrs llamllu
called 1 grew to regard him as a su
pernatural being endowed with pow
era of perception entirely beyond those
of ordinary mortals lie must have
known when she was coming 1 have
seen him Jump right up In the middle
of his work Jam his hat on and hurry
away and Inside of three minutes Mrs
llamllu would be announced
After awhile she began to talk to tut
She was always perfectly polite per
fectly cold utterly disagreeable She
communicated absolutely nothing It
was all questions
How could that marriage ever have
happened 1 used to wonder Matches
are made In heaven they say and
surely the reasons for most of them
are known only there where all mys
teries are clear
During Inly August and a part of
September 1 saw nothing of Mrs Hnm
lin She must have been out of the city
Singularly enough -perhaps Mr Ham
lin though so rich and really not very
busy remained In town
In those few months I perceived that
a great danger threatened me Kind
ness mil form consideration reasona
ble work I he end of worry all pro
duced their effect upon me Happi
ness Is the best tonic Helen and 1
being both at work at last were able
to send mot her to the seashore and
she wrote of wonderful Improvement
In her health 1 think Mr Hamlin
heard about her for Just before she
went away he raised my salary so
that the burden of added expense real
ly did not count
And now for the peril With all these
cheerful things happening and despite
the summer heat 1 began to grow
young again I gained 15 pounds My
face looked smooth as a young girls
even In the crooked mirror at my
boarding house and I got a color like
the famous milkmaids 1 trembled
for Mrs Hamlins return
Back she came toward the end of
September and when she llrst visited
the olllce If she had been an artist en
gaged lo paint my picture she couldnt
have studied me more closely 1 was
scared and the next day I came down
to the olllce almost In disguise I look
ed just as had as I could
In the afternoon of that day Mr
Hamlin was standing by the window
with a lleldglass in Ills hand and lie
called me to his side to look at a beau
tiful steam yacht that was coining
town tne river
Thats my yacht he said I
havent had much chance to use her
this summer but Im going to cruise
In her nearly all winter I can leave
here all right My brother will be free
to take up the work Hes been so oc
cupied this summer with the affairs of
the Wall Street National that hes had
his olllce in the bank building But
thats all over and hes coming hack
here So Ill go and take a rest My
health requires it
And he laughed
Then you wont need me any more
said Iand It seemed to me that I spoke
calmly enough but somehow the
strength had hII gone out of me so that
the lleldglass which I was still absurd
ly holding at tho level of my eyes drop
ped from my hand
Mr Hamlin caught It before It reach
ed the tloor I never saw anything so
quick and dexterous as that It was
lucky for me that he was standing
near for the glass was Jeweled and
worth I dont know how much money
Oh how fortunate I exclaimed
If I had broken It
If we had broken It he Interrupted
Als wlfo would have given us fits It
belongs to her She left It here the oth
er day and I toll you Mrs Al Isnt a
person to be trilled with Youve seen
ner
Yes snid I ns if speaking in a hyp
notic trance but I thought she
was Mrs Albert Hamlin
Youve heard her spoken of as Mrs
Al Hamlin perhaps he said Al is
my brother Im usually cnlled Bert by
my Intimates Tho lady In question Is
Mrs Al thank heaven I really beg her
pardon Shes a most excellent woman
but you know Im not married and so
I speak after the disagreeable fashion
of bachelors Lot me sec what were
wo talking about 1 shouldnt need you
any more or something llko that Real
ly its nonsense you know I couldnt
get along without you
But youre going away on your
yacht
True true said ho nervously
Could I be of use to your brother
while you are gone I asked Per
haps
My brother said he Oh no Al
fred has a secretary You should see
her poor girl Mrs Alfred has curious
taste In tho matter of secretaries for
her husband nnd you couldnt do at
all For particulars consult the mirror
Youre getting more and more unlit for
Alfreds secretary every day
Now please dont be offended You
must know that youre so pretty that 1
have to put you with your back to mo
In order that 1 may do any work at all
and even tuen your hair my heart Is
all tangled up in it this minute and
neverll get away
Jennie I want you to go In the
yacht with me I want you to bo my
wife this very month and then well
hall away heaven knows where The
sea Is wide but I will love you a year
for every wave on all the ocoans
I didnt hear any more I died right
thero and woke In paradise and he
was still speaking still telling me that
lie loved me ine the homely old uiuld
COLUMBIA A IVINNRR
Crosses Finish Line Mile and a
Half Ahead of Shamrock
YANKLT UOATIiUADS 1KOM START
llrt Itiien or tlm Smli1 i toinpldc Vic
tory Din Col ii in lln PuUitlN ami
OlIlKrniTilU llm IlllMion
Over Tim IMItnilti Aliriul
Niw YoitK VI 17 The cup which
the old schooner America won soeoin
niandingly against all comers over the
course around the Islo of Wight in 1H5I
and brought back aeross the seas will
probably remain here another year a
dcliaiii o to tho world In a glorious
breeze over a windward and leeward
conrse of ID miles tho Columbia scored
iigimiM Shamrock yesterday in the llrst
race of the I KOI series for the trophy
She bounded across the finish line fully
n mile and a half ahead of the challen
ger defeating her by 10 minutes and II
seconds actual time or 10 minutes and
8 seconds corrected time after allow
ing tho six seconds handicap which Co
lumbia must concede to tho challenger
on account of her longer water lino It
was a decisive contest it magnificent
race magnificently sailed awl magnifi
cently won Opinion as to the merits
of tho two boats had been somewhat
divided as a result of tin lukes during
the past two weeks Although tho
preponderance of expert opinion never
wavered in its loyalty to the wonderful
speed and ability of the white llyer no
nautical sharp exported that the Sham
rook would bo so overwhelmingly van
quished as she was in yesterdays royal
struggle Tho Yankee boat outgen
erulled her at tho start boat her hope
lessly in windward work to tho outer
mark and gained seconds in tho run
homo before ho wind Them was u
good strong 10 or lJ knot breeze and
it hold throughout tho race It is un
doubtedly a bitter blow because tho
English hopes of lifting tho cup have
never been higher since the Thistle met
the Volunteer in IHS7 Like the Sham
rock she was decisively defeated in tho
first hours sailing The regatta com
mit loo as a result of the showing made
by Columbia today are convinced that
the cup is safe Blow high or low Co
lumbia it is believed by her manager
Mr Isolin can beat Shamrock Sir
Thomas like the true spoilsman that
he is confessed after tho race that ho
had been fairly beaten lie hud no
apologies to make
ICiihjt Victory for Columbia
Both iii time and distance tho yachts
were so far apart that it was a rather
poor finish from a sportsmans view
When tho Columbia swept across tho
linish lino tho Shamrock was scarcely
visible astern only tho outlines of her
sails being seen Ton minutes and 11
seconds in time elapsed between tho
finishing of Columbia and Shamrock
which meant in distance about n inilu
and a half Tho ollicial summary
Start Columbia 110100 Shamrock
1101011
Finish Columbia IliiiLIO Shamrock
40110
Elapsed Time Columbia llri
Shamrock 50107
Corrected Time Columbia 15115
Shamrock 50101
Thus the Columbia wins by 10 min
utes 1 1 seconds actual and 10 minutes
8 seconds corrected time
After the race while the yuchts were
being towed back to their moorings Sir
Thomas Liptons steam yacht Erin
ranged up alongside Columbia Tho
Erins officers and men led by Sir
Thomas gavo three hearty cheers
They wero quickly responded to with
three cheers from the Columbias men
led by Oliver Iselin A number of
yachts fired guns an salutes to both
yachts at the finish Every steamer
saluted with her whistlo and the Sham
rocks welcome was quito as noisy as
Columbias Tho yachts and excursion
fleet soon vanished in tho mist home
wurd bound
Pure Iooil CoiiiiiiIkmIoii taw
LixcoijK Oct 17 Attorney General
Smyth will file an agreed case in tho
supremo court today by which it is pro
posed to ostablish whether or not tho
law creating tho pure food commission
is constitutional All creamery con
cerns in tho state which may bo inter
ested in tho outcome of tho suit will be
notified nnd it is expected several of
them will bo represented at tho hearing
of tho case Auditor Cornell has re
fused to allow tho salary claim of Dep
uty Food Commissioner Hibbard on tho
grounds that tho law under which ho is
acting is contrary to tho constitution
of the state
NEBRASKA ODD FELLOWS
KimortN r Itcuil anil Odlrnra Klcctcil
for tlm Kiimilnj War
IlASTJNds Nob Oct 18 Tho annual
stato mooting of tho grand lodgo of tho
Independent Order of Odd Fellows and
tho Robekah assembly opened hero yes
terday with a combined attendance of
over 100 Tho grand encampment of
the Independent Order of Odd Fellows
was called to order by J S Hoagland
of North Platte Various reports wero
read after which tho following officers
wero elected and installed Grand
patriarch James Taylor of Lincoln
grand senior warden E O Hedrich of
Tecuinseh grand scrilw I P Gago of
Fremont grand treasurer F H Bryant
of Omaha grand high priest M D
Cameron of Tocuinsehj grand junior
warden J C Shaw of Lincoln repre
sentatives to sovereign graud lodgo W
B llcim of Omaha and Jacob Hoiler of
Hastings
iciiric Kay Imlcr Arrest
Arniitx Neb Oct 18 Sheriff Colo
received a telegram from a town in
northwestern Iowa notifying him of
the arrest of George Hay who last
December killed Frank Oheosmnn of
Iirownvillo this county Hay admitted
ins identity and ottered lo return with
out a requisition The sheriff has gone
for him Cheosman surprised his wife
and Kay t igelher at his homo one even
ing and in an encounter between tho
two men Hay shot Cheosman fatally
and escaped Several hundred dollars
In rewards have been offered for his
capture
CtlllKI Clilllllllllll Ml II Ill
lloilMtrlKiu Neb Oct
annual mooting id the General Associa
tion of the Congregational church of
Nebraska convened hero yesterday
Kov TCS4IIUIU of Crete was elected
moderator The opening address was
delivered by llev A 1 Rogers of Col
umbus The Franklin Glee club of
Franklin academy gavo a concert in the
evening There are about KI5 delegates
in attendance ami an excellent business
mooting was hold
Kill nirr Sin IiiiinI I iikIiiiI
Pkiu Neb Oct Kuuser a
young farmer living about one mile
southeast of Porn received injuries yes
terday while gathering corn which may
result in his death He attempted to
turn his wagon al tho cud of ho field
when the horse suddenly bucked into a
deep ditch Kuuser was caught under
the wagon and badly crushed about tho
chest
Till ro Cllllill Ill futility ltlllllcil
Gikv Neb Oct IN Tho children
of liicoh llollerber a boy of II and girls
of Hand J years tried to light a he
while their parents were absent using
coal oil An explosion followed throw
ing burning oil over them Tho oldest
girl died soon after being rescued Tho
boy is dyiugaud the baby it is thought
cannot live
I M Ion ImiIIIc IihI iiii Ciipltnl MocIi
Lincoln Oct 18 Tho Union Paeillo
Railway company filed amomleil ar
ticles of incorporation with tho secre
tary of stale yesterday increasing tho
capital slock fi7IHliil0 winging tho
total up to I till 1 7N 700 The fee paid
the state is ttr77
linJoliK tliiiMnl lion lit
Lincoln Oct IS Tho supremo court
yesterday a Ilornoou granted a temporary
injunction restraining tho board of
transportation from proceeding with the
hearing of tho complaint of John
Yeiseragainst tho Nebraska Telephone
company
Snlclilc ol Mum ICIIU
Bt ATitUT Nob Oct 18 Miss Clara
Ellis committed suicide last evening by
hanging herself in the garret of her
fat liters residence She was about 17
years old and was well known here
having boon born and raised in Beatrice
A DIiiiiioihI Limit Iii lovc
A collector of gems In Boston pos
sessed three perfectly matched soli
taires of blue rose and yellow and
would show them to his friends as Hie
liveliest combination of colors he know
anything about The true lover of
gems prefers stones unset so he can
stir them about with the point of the
Jewelers nippers or a pencil and en
joy their unalloyed sparkle and purity
In every phase of light Those three
perfectly colored diamonds which
wore carried In the mans waistcoat
pocket wrapped in cotton were valued
al several thousand dollars but one
day Cupid appeared and then one of
the precious trio went Into a bhrlng
engagement ring and tho remaining
two eventually found themselves turn
ed into Jewelry Such is the power
of love Boston Herald
CokIiIiiii tlHIH to AIhhIoi
Oiwau Oct I I Captain Joseph B
Coghlon formerly commander of thu
United States cruiser Raleigh loft hero
yesterday for Sitka Alaska whore he
goes to take charge of the government
lighthouse district f that territory
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DIG BATTLH RIDRKD
Doers Snid to Have Been Re
pulsed at Ma ft kin jr
ahi now thiuatinino mjnihx
Ohio Imil Timt Ciiiki rgiitlni Intern
tint Cltv In A Itni It It lliltlti
iiiiiiiiIiii Oritur lt m mil Inn Which U lit
Once tlilnptlril Willi liy Niiiitiiiiiliiitiint
London Oct 17 -Dispatches from
lite Capo lire very meagre but they III
elude an important message from Glen
eoo cntup dated II5 Monday afternoon
auuouiieiug that the Boors oommaudoos
which invaded Natal and after occupy
ing Newcastle advanced lo Pannhauser
retired in Ingagano Sunday evening
I heir transport service being reported
defective This will delay indefinitely
the hoped for assatiltou the Ktr aig Brit
ish position at Gletieno Another ills
patch reports activity on the part of the
Free Slate eommaudo in the neighbor
hood of Alllwal North on the southern
frontier The Boers advance patrol
the disputed adds go to tho frontier
bridge nightly to keep watch tiring
shots at intervals as signals It is bo
lieved the enemy intends to shortly
rush the railway station with the aid
of artillery posted on a commanding
ridge There mo rumors that the Boers
have been repulsed at Mafekingand are
at lacking Vryburg
Dundee is now practically empty
Special trains have brought down l000
persons mostly women awl children
A military order to evacuate was ro
ceived in Dundee at II oclock this
morning Irivntn reports say that a
Boer column is advancing from Da
jagers direct against Dundee with
about 15000 men but this number is
greatly exaggerated Probably thero
are only about 70110
The Daily Mails Cape Town corre
spond ill Monday 11 p m telegraphs
A report has reached here from native
sources that the Boers have been re
pulsed at Mulching with heavy loss
Tho news at present lucks confirma
tion
oiniiioiii sikiii iii ii Uniiii 1 1 1 k 1 1 1 tr
A Cape Town paper has a dispatch
from the Orange river stating that the
telegraph wires have been cut between
Vryburg and Kimberley awl it is ox
ported tho Boers are taking advantage
of a large gathering of disloyal farmers
at Vryburg celebrating Nuchlnml to at
tack the town hoping Hint tho farmers
will assist them against the British
The same dispatch says the British
force al ICiniherloy is confident of its
ability to hold out but urges tho im
mediate dispatch of a relief force Tins
question of a possible rising of the
Dutch farmers in the northern part of
Capo Colony is very important There
is serious disloyalty and much anti
British agitation in these districts
while the Free State Boors threaten an
inimediatu invasion of Colesburg
The Daily Mails correspondent assert
that Sir Alfred Miluer is worked to
death and that Capo Town is surging
with bitter resentment at what iseallcd
t he Schreiner cabinet s betrayal of
by its constant refusal to send a
volunteer force to its relief Many resi
dents of Capo Town have relatives at
Vryburg and they are furious with
Messrs Merrimaii and Saner respect
ively colonial treasurer and commis
sioner of public works awl the minis
ters are mobbed when they appear in
nublic
In Sweden thero are llnntlng can
neries They are small vessels which
follow fishing Hoots and men on them
can the llsh while they are fresh
Works Hard
For a living lie has to He must
make hay while the sun shines
no matter how he feels lie may feel hardly able to
crawl around but he cant neglect the stock He must
work in all weathers swelter under the July sun shiver
in the January snow or be soaked to the skin in heavy
rain storms Hut its work work work regardless of
wind and weather for the fanner work seven days in a
week and three hundred and sixty five days in the year
im -- t f ti 1 rn nii
1 lit iirmii ui iiiin uiiunDuiii wnwu aiujiitiwu
trouble The farmer eats hastily and heartily often when the stom
ach is in no condition to receive food without a period of rest He
rushes back into the field and sweats and slaves while the stomach
strives in vain to digest the food which has leen put into it Then
indigestion appears The stomach feels unduly full and distended
after a meal Fermentation occurs and there are sour or bitter risings
with constant belching As the entire digestive and nutritive systems
become involved symptoms multiply and suffering increases
Kor such a condition there is no medicine so valuable as Dr Pierces
Golden Medical Discovery It re establishes the health by a complete
cure of the diseased organs It cleanses the stomach and strengthens
all the organs of digestion and nutrition It purifies the blood invig
orates the liver and nourishes the nerves
There is no alcohol in Golden Medical Discovery nor does it con
tain opium cocaine or other narcotics It is strictly a temperance
medicine
I was troubled with indigestion for about two years writes Win fiowter Ksq of
Juliaettc Latah Co Idaho I tried differeit doctors ami remedies hut to no avail
until I wrote to Dr Pietce and he told ine what to do I suffered with a pain in my
stomach ami left side and thought it would kill me I am glad to write and let you
know that I am all right 1 can do my work now without pam ami I dont have that
tired feeling that I used to have Five bottles of Dr Pierces Golden Medical Discov
ery and two vials of his Pleasant Pellets cured me
Dr Pierces Pleasant Pellets keep
the bowels in a healthy condition
They work with Golden Medical
Discovery and should be used
with that medicine when a laxa
tive is required
SX
i I
FMfiHIlHHMI
F11 TKIlil -Opting Monday moraine Sept 3 Work for llouril Wp fiirnUh all
Miulonls ltli places to work fot board Vou can attend this collect for Imlf tliu moncr
riuirmt lo bo elsowliore Semi us 26 iiatnca unit addresses of young people hcereslud tn
business Iducatluti and set our oIIcku Weekly one year free Our non CMuloir fne m
anyone Address KOIIllliOl Cll ItlCOS Miuuliu Nb