THE QUEENS I6LAND
x
When Britons sons first cnms ashore
To settle on their island gray
Each ono came loaded with a score
Of -things he needed every day
Each brought a trap to catch jokes with
A Brudshuw to amuse them
They fetched some stones to weigh
folks with
And guineas to confuse them
And every man of this brave band
Een those who came by steerage
Showed proudly as he stepped on land
A copy of Burkes Peerage
He brought a book of precedent
To shape each thought and action
And lastly a full complement
Of calm self satisfaction
And when the Briton looked around
For the last time to change things-
The months were quite bad form he
found
Egad I Well re arrange things
Go Flippant April gaudy May
June August and July too
Your trivial continental way
We fain would Bay good bye to
September smiled but fared as 111
October did no better
Then came November dull and chill
She suited to the letter
The banished months are seen no more
I dont know where they went to
May hup they sought Columbias shore
Where most outcasts are sent to
But this youll find to your dismay
In England if you stay sir
When March no longer doth hold sway
November doth replace her
Philistine
A TEMPORARY
POLICEMAN
clock in a neighboring
THE had struck one but a few
minutes before A policeman
was leaning over the fence on the river
side of Basset street staring out into
the darkness He heard a door slam be
hind him and turning around saw a
boy coming across the street
Is that you Peter the policeman
inquired What are you doing out
doors at this time of night
That screaming out on the river
woke me up said Peter so I slung
on my dotlies and come out to see what
was goin on What do you suppose is
the matter Mr Fitzgerald
I dont know said the officer It
sounded like a drowning
Here he was interrupted by a series
of cries far out on the river He and
the boy looked at each other
Either someones drowning or some
ones making believe drown said Fitz
gerald But I cant stand it any long
er Im going out there Theres one
thing certain though and that is if that
-tellers onljr making believe drown liell
get a good thrashing before ten min
utes are over
The policeman took off his coat and
trousers and began to unlace his boots
Areyou going to swim out there
Peter asked
Of course I am Did you think I
was going to church in niy under
clothes Now Peter I want you to do
something for me You take these
clothes of mine down to the station
house No 14 you know The tides
running out strong and if I swim out
to the fool over there Ill surely get car
ried as far as the station house before
I get back to shore if ever I do get
back I wish some of you folks kept
a boat Now dont drop anything from
the pockets
The screaming began again Help
oh help could be distinctly heard
r Keep up old feller Im coming
called Fitzgerald in a voice that must
have waked every sleeper in the neigh
borhood He climbed the fence and
stood on the stone wall beyond looking
down on the river ten feet below All
right Im coining he called out again
and then he jumped into the water with
a great splash Peter watched him
plow through the black waves till he
disappeared from sight and then
turned to pick up his burden
Peter was 14 and large for his age
but when he started on his journey he
found the clothes a very uncomfortable
load The shoes also were enormously
large and heavy He stopped and tied
them on outside his own shoes They
went on very comfortably He laced
them up and pursued his way much
more easily than before Suddenly a
thought struck him Why should he
hot put on the coataud trousers as well
as the boots They would be much
easier to carry when he had them on
and what an imposing appearance he
wouia present lie puiiea on tue trou
sers turned them up about half a foot
at the bottom shifted his suspenders
from his old trousers to -his new ones
put on the blue coat with its thick pad
ding and glorious brass buttons set the
-helmet on top of his cap strapped on
the black belt with the billy in it What
joy to carry a billy if only for a few
minutes He pulled it from the blt
and belabored a few imaginary heads
He really felt himself to be a policy
man so far as appearance went As to
courage size and strength he felt that
he was hardly up to his position
As soon as he was started on his tri
umphal progress he bsgan to explore
his pockets In the trousers he found a
dirty handkerchief a bunch of keys a
silver dollar a book of rules and regu
lations of the polce force He opened
this book under a lamp post and read
one of the rules
Article 17 It shall be the duty of
every man on the force when asked by
a stranger or other person the way to
any point in the city to direct such per
son definitely and politely to the point
desired
Im afraid I shouldnt know where
it was said Peter to himself I dont
believemany strangers or other persons
xfaufdsk me any questions to night f
t
In the brenst pocket of the coat there
was a revolver Peter took it out and
looked at it but to tell the truth he was
a little afraid of it so he put it back
again He felt something heavy in the
tails of his coat and when after some
difficulty he had found his coat tail
pockets he discovered in one of them a
pair of handcuffs With a billy the re
volver the book of rules and the hand
cuffs he felt himself a match for a
whole gang of thieves
His high spirits however did not last
long It was very lonely in the streets
of a city at 1 oclock in the morning
more lonely and sometimes more silent
than It is in the country At any rate
it seems more silent for you feel that
the city ought to be noisy Peter grew
nervous He was not used to being out
alone after midnight His great shoes
seemed to make a tremendous noise on
the sidewalk He began to remember
stories In the newspapers about how
policemen had been assaulted by par
ties of roughs
He wondered if there were any par
ties of roughs lying in wait for him He
tried to gather courage by flourishing
bis Wily but somehow hataTdnt seem
to make him much braver The moon
kept coming out from one cloud and go
ing behind another the clouds seemed
to be rushing across the sky in a very
unnatural way At last the moon went
behind a large cloud and did not come
out again Peter wished it had stayed
Even the moon was some company
He would have run if he could but his
shoes and clothes were so clumsy that
it was out of the question He kept
thinking about parties of roughs so
much that he felt that he must have
something to distract attention He
stopped under another lamp post and
opened the book of rules again This
time he lighted on the following pas
sage
Article 21 No member of the force
shall receive a pecuniary compensation
for doing his duty
Peter kept repeating this until he
knew it by heart Unfortunately he
found he was thinking of the roughs
too He recollected that he had seen
Fitzgerald trying the doors of shops to
see if they were all locked So he be
gan to try them without any definite
idea of what he should do if he found
one open He tried ten of them and
they were all locked Then he remem
bered that Fitzgerald must have tried
them already so he did not try any
more Oh if he could only run It was
so lonely and he had not gone more
than half way He found a little kitten
asleep on a doorstep He picked it up
and stood for some time stroking it
while it purred softly Then he would
have liked to carry it to the station
house for company but the poor little
thing might get lost and besides it
was hardly dignified for a policeman to
carry a kitten so as not to be afraid
Ah what was that noise He put the
kitten down and listened
He could hear a stealthy footstep
coming along the other side of the
street He stole into the dark hallway
of the shop and looked with all his eyes
while his heart beat as if it would
break his ribs The steps came near a
lamp post and then he could see that
there were two men instead of one as
he had supposed One of them hid him
self in a shadow on one side of a shop
that was still lighted and the other
crawled across the front of the shop on
his hands and knees and concealed
himself in a doorway on the other side
Then they both waited perfectly still
and Peter waited too
The shop was rather a large one A
great sign hung over it with the in
scription Phineas Gould Jewelry
and Silverware and Money to Loan
was painted across the windows Neith
er Peter nor the men had long to wait
In less than ten minutes the light was
put out Then Peter could hear a faint
footstep inside the shop and a moment
later a man came out locked the door
and started down the street The fel
low behind him left his place of con
cealment and crept after him The
shopkeeper heard him and turned
around At the same instant the sec
ond man also left his hiding place and
both sprang upon their victim and
threw him dowm Evidently one of
them covered his mouth in some way
for though he struggled violently he
did not cry out for help
Peter was not especially brave but he
could not allow a man to be assaulted
and possibly murdered before his eyes
without trying to prevent it JThe cour
age of desperation seized him and he
sprang across the street to the rescue
crying
Let alone of him
As he ran he drew his revolver from
his pocket and fired it several times in
the air feeling- that he might as well
die now as any time One of the men
turned and ran when he saw wiiat he
not unreasonably supposed to be an
officer or the law who was full of
fight
The other tried to follow his comrade
but Gould who felt that help was at
hand held him till Peter arrived It
was rather hard for Peter to ascertain
which was the jeweler and which was
the thief but judging with much sa
gacity that the man with the necktie
must be Mr Gould he began to tap
the other mans- head with his biily till
the poor fellow lay quite still and
Gould sat on him
Then Peter drew out his handcuffs
They were clumsy looking things and
he did not have the least idea how to
put them on He seemed to know some
thing
You put them on he said trying to
speak gruffly as possible and Ill look
out that the other fellow doesnt come
back
Gould took the handcuffs and exam
ined them He seemed to know some
thing about them for he slipped them
on the prisoners wrists without diffi
culty isMean while Peter picked up i his
revolvef iwhich he had thrown away
m m WMwpMW1 W 1 - n n tw m
when he came to clQse quarters with
the enemy
Did any of those three shots take
effect inquired Gould
No I guess not said Peter truth
fully
Now whatll we do with the man
Do you suppose he is dead
Oh hes not dead Here you get
up -And pulling at the handcuffs
Gould administered a kick to the pros
trate thief
The prisoner sat up with some diffi
culty Peter took him by the arm whilej
Gould grasped the other and they rais i
ed him to his feet
A number of windows had been open j
ed at the noise of a revolver and it1
was obviously best to be off without
delay
Well take him to station 14 said
Peter proudly and away they went
The prisoner was quite cowed and
he allowed himself to be led along
quietly enough Peter was not especial-
ly pleased with either of his new
quaintances
Gould he had often heard of as the
richest and stingest man in the neigh-
borhood and it was hard to have a
charitable opinion of the prisoner As
to Gould he kept looking at Peter It
seemed to him that this little policeman
who had rescued him was the most pe
culiar looking policeman he had ever
beheld For a man perhaps 5 feet 3
inches tall to have boots a foot and a
quarter long was something he had
never seen before The young police
mans face too looked if the dim gas
light did not deceive him like the face
of a child
How long have you been on the
force asked the money lender
Peter reflected If he said that this
was the first day the prisoner would
see that he was a novice and might try
to escape So Instead of answering the
question he asked another
Is your name Gould he inquired
Yes
Well Mr Gould if a fellow asked
you how much money you had in your
safe inside the store what would you
say
Mr Gould was silent
Youd say None of your business
Peter continued And thats what I
say now
Gould took the hint and asked no
more questions
Peter was jubilant He did not feel
lonely a bit now although his com
panions were not very good company
What luck he had had He had not
been a policeman for half an hour and
yet he had made an arrest When they
reached the station house he hauled the
prisoner up the steps with Goulds as
sistance in true policeman style
When they entered the captains room
the only person there was Fitzgerald
in citizens clothes sitting at the cap
tains desk Peter pulled his helmet
over his eyes and changed his voice into
a kind of grumble -
Wheres the captain
Fitzgerald did not look at the little
policeman His attention was wholly
absorbed by the prisoner
Good heavens youve got Faxon
he exclaimed Ive been laying for
him for the last six months
He rang the bell and two officers
came in
Take him downstairs he said and
theofficers went out with the prisoner
Then for the first time Fitzgerald
turned his attention to the self made
policeman He looked at the boy hard
er and harder and Peter in spite of all
his efforts could not help smiling
Who in thunder are you anyway
Fitzgerald asked at last
Peter pulled down his helmet so that
his face was completely invisible
Ive been taking Fitzgeralds place
for the last half hour he said
Fitzgerald laughed aloud and brought
his fist down on the desk
I should say you had and well too
You little rascal youre Peter Burke
you are
A step was heard in the hallway and
the captain came in He was a tall
broad man with a long red beard
Too bad you had that long swim
for nothing Fitzgerald he said as he
entered but you might have known
no one was drowning By the way
Wilkins says Faxons arrested Who
got him
Fitzgerald pointed to Peter Petei
took off his helmet and saluted the cap
tain The captain and Phineas Gould
stared at him in amazement
You cried the captain at last
Why where did you get the clothes
Theyre my clothes said Fitz
gerald
He explained to the captain how
Peter had gained temporary possession
of them
You see said Peter as he sat down
on a chair and pulled off his blue trous
ers they was heavy and I put them
on so as to carry them And then I
found a couple of fellows jumping on
Mr Gould and I jumped on them One
of them ran away but we tackled the
other didnt we Mr Gould
By this time he had the trousers off
and looked funny enough in Fitzger
alds long blue coat and his own short
trousers
The three spectators looked on in
silent wonder At last Peter had taken
off all his extra clothing and ceased to
be a policeman
Ive fired off three catridges Mr
Fitzgerald he said I just fired
them to the air you know Now I
guess Ill go home if you dont mind
Mr Gouldll tell you all about it-
Gould looked uncomfortable He
fumbled with his hands in his pockets
At last when Peter finished speaking
he took out a quarter of a dollar
The captain looked displeased Fitz
gerald scowled
Peter stood up very straight and gave
a military salute
Article 21 he said No member of
the force shall receive a pecuniary com
pensation for dofng his duty Green
field Gazette
IB
- -
OUR BUDGET OF PUN
HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO-
INGS HERE AND THERE
Jokes and Jokcleta that Are Supposed
to Have Been Recently Born Sayings
and Doings that Are Odd Curious and
Laughable The Weeks Humor
The Connubial Course
Have you attended any Lenten lec
tures
Only those my wife gives me every
night
Very much attached to the do
-
A Womans Idea
Jones says he is entirely a self made
man
Well he must be put together with
awfully long stitches
Beyond Help
Is Betty really in love withBilly
She is so infatuated that she doesnt
make a fuss when he sends her type
written letters
Proof
SKi
Mother Does he often break his
word
Daughter Of course he stutters
Unconscious Cerebration
Here hows this In this article on
poets you speak of the stepladder of
fame
- I wrote that one day when my wife
was cleaning house
Popular to Some Purpose
Isnt it wonderful what a lot
M
of
friends Mrs Burnham has
It is indeed I am told that she lias
so many wedding presents it is neces
sary to pay storage on some of them
and this is only her third wedding too
Merely His Opinion
Higgins Does your wife play whist
Adams She thinks she does but
when Gabriel blows his horn Ill bet
shell awake with a start and ask him
whats trump
That Would Account for It
It is claimed that thieves are almost
unknown in Norway
They must have the same police sys
tem there that we have in this coun
try
Can Win Without
Why is it that the plain girls are
always the ones who learn to cook and
make their own clothes
Oh thats easily explained The
pretty ons always know they dont
need to
All on Wind
Tom Harmon whatever became of
him
Oh hes here yet Build up quite
a reputation on wind
Hows that
Hes invented three different bicycle
pumps and now hes workin on a flyin
machine
A Different Case
Whats the matter old man
Oh an old uncle of mine is coming
up from the country to visit me Hes
one of the greenest old guys in seven
States I suppose liell make me the
Uaughing stock of everybody that
knows me
It isnt your Uncle Henry who was
up here last year is it
Yes
You didnt seem to be afraid that
hed make a laughing stock of you
then
I know but the old chumps gone
and lost all his money
How They Get Their Names
Alfred Papa do they use snapping
turtles for soup
Papa No my son
Alfred Why do they call them snap
ping turtles
Papa Because they have a snap in
not being used for soup Harpers
Bazar
Proven
Dreams always go by contraries
I believe it I always said my wife
was a dream Philadelphia North
American
learned at Home
Teacher Which member of the class
can give a definition of the word pat
riotism
Politicians Oldest Boy Kickin
against everything the other party does
when it gets into office
The Prize Economist
Old Scadds across the way is the
stingiest man on earth
How can you prove it
He lives on gruel simply to avoid
wearing out the gold nmng m his
teeth
i
-1
f
HjJs Figure of Speech
Confidential Friend How did the
Duke propose to you
The Duchess He asked me if I would
give him a life pass over papas rail
road lines
Trapped
Attorney You say this defendant
kissed you In a dark room
Fair Plaintiff Yes sir
AttorneyWill you please explain to
the court how you came to enter a dark
room with the defendant
Fair Plaintiff Oh it wasnt dark
when we went in I turned the light
out afterward
A Bad Sign
Customer Why do you think my doc
tor is green and Incompetent
Druggist Because his prescriptions
are written so plainly that any fool can
read them
Her Cdpkiug Madera Hit
Wherlab 1 going Tqthe hospital
Theres a t patient there In whom I am
interested
Friend of the family
No entire stranger He came to
the kitchen window last evening and
asked my wife for food Without-pausing
to think of the consequences she
tossed a couple of 3ier biscuits to the
fellow One of them caught him un
der the ear and knocked him senseless
and Im in for a pretty bill of ex
penses Cleveland Plain Dealer
A Spanish Product
Here hold on there boys What
are you chasing that child for
Hes a Spansh symperfizer thats
why
Spanish sympathizer What do
you mean by that
His ma washes him wid castile
soap come on kids Cleveland Plain
Dealer
Money Would Do
ServantWell what do you want
Wandering musician Ah then pos
sibly you did not hear the music we
have not as yet played before your
door Detroit Journal
In the Atelier
DAuber What would you do if you
had a hundred dollars
Mahlstlck Oh come down out of the
clouds Lets be practical for once
Not the Pictures of Course
How Mabel Denning must love that
Frank Chandler
Why
I heard her say that she attended the
art exhibition with him yesterday and
never spent a more delightful afternoon
in her life
Before and After
i Jf
1 Curious thing Dont know whal
it can be
2 He
Ocean
nose
now Chicago
Inter
The Average View
v Thompson must be very able man
in his line
Oh I dont know He doesnt amount
to much
Im told that he draws a salary of
G000 a year
Yes but the chump never spends a
cent of it
Diplomacy
Tommy Papa what is that diploma
cy the papers talk so much about
Papa Diplomacy is the art which en
ables one man to inform another that
he is a scoundrel without giving him a
chance to get mad about it
Oh No
Did you notice how her fingers
taper
Yes but I hope that doesnt mean
that she is light fingered Philadel
phia Bulletin
No Allowance
They say Blokely old man that
your wife has an independent fortune
Thats right Its so confoundedly
independent that I cant get any of it
Detroit Free Press
True Metal
I say Bridget is your beau a gold
or a silver man asked the head of the
house
Shure hes neyther answered the
cook who was in love with a police
man hes what you call a copper
man sur Yonkers Statesman
She Was Experienced
Mrs Yeast Have you ever seen any
thing in the moon which reminded you
of n man
Mrs Crlmsonbeak Oh yes when it
was full I have Yonkers Statesman
An Exception
Imitation is the sincerest flattiiry
Not if it is worked off on ou by a
10-year-old boy
SCIENCE VJ BRUTE FOWCE
The Clever Steward Thrashes Six
Brawny Firemen
When the British steamship Ivydene
left Dows stores Brooklyn yesterday
morning lor Marseilles and Mediter
ranean ports every member of the1
crew beneath the officers had profound
respect for the steward and the rules
of the vessel The stewards authority
and the discipline of the ship had been
questioned only a short time before by
eight firemen who were shipped in
Brooklyn for the voyage
The steward proposed to settle the
dispute in fistic combat Six of the
men accepted the challenge and every
one of them was either felled to the
deck under the skillful blows of the
steward or cried Enough as his turn
was reached
The steward whose name is Frank
Smith Is an Englishman hailing from
Sussex Although not very tall he Is
powerfully built and his muscles are
like steel He knows the rules of the
ring too and when not busy about the
vesselis on the lookout for any of the
crew who will spar with him
When the new firemen went aboard
yesterday morning they kicked be
cause they were not allowed far enough
aft and told the steward in uncompli
mentary terms what they thought of
the fare
Youre a lot of duffers said Smith
The rules of this craft go and so does
the food If you think youre going to
run things here just put up your dukes
and Ill show you what your class is
Some of the firemen were big and
brawny and the task of punishing the
steward seemecf easy Two were not
built on such lines They didnt like
Smiths determined look Six of the
men accepted the challenge and strip
ping to the waist waited for the en
counter Smith divested himself of un
necessary garments and called for the
first man A ring was made on the
deck and a ref ereee chosen from among
the crew The stewards first adver
sary had more strength than skill After
a few light blows had been exchanged
between them Smith had the fireman
at his mercy
One after another the firemen faced
the plucky steward He darted out of
the way of their clumsy swings and
landed with telling effect upon their un
guarded bodies They were thoroughly
punished and acknowledged they wer
no match for the county steward
Good feeling was soon restored how
ever and in a near by retreat they
toasted one another with cheering
glasses New York Herald
Reader for the President
The long standing occupation of ono
of the White House clerks is gone
Back through several administration
it has been the duty of one man to read
the newspapers for the President This
man read and clipped and pasted He
filled scrapbooks with such articles od
the administration as he thought the
President might want to see at som
future time But besides this he read
with reference to what might be of im
mediate concern to the President
When he found anything he thought
the President would like to see at once
he clipped it and pasted it on a sheet
with the date and the name of the pa
per These sheets were laid before the
President as regularly as the mail re
quiring liis attention The reader for
the President had a place on the White
House staff as far back as Grant
time if not earlier He went through
all the principal papers of the country
It was in this way that Mrs Grant saw
the beautiful tribute to her daughter
at the time of the Sartoris wedding
written by the late John N Edwards
of Missouri which she acknowledged
gracefully as the expression that had
touched her most deeply The reader
for the President has been abolished
Mr Porter is a newspaper man and he
believes he has a better way to accom
plish the same purpose Furthermore
the President has a select number of
newspapers which he prefers to go
through himself These papers are not
of one part of the country or of one po
litical party Visitors at the White
House have been surprised not infre
quently at the evidence they have had
of the Presidents familiarity with the
newspapers and their positions on vari
ous questions Washington letter to
St Louis Globe Democrat
No Ordinary Man
Ah English actor was a member of a
company snowbound in the Sierra3
while en route from California to the
East Before the train pulled out of the
drifts they had been reduced to eating
the coarse fare of the railway laborers
and got little enough of that so that
they were all ravenously hungry wnen
the train reached the station at which
there was a humble restaurant The
Englishman was the first to find a seat
at the table Bring me as quickly as
f possible he said to the landlord a
burly Western man a porterhouse
steak some deviled kidneys a brace of
chops plenty of vegetables and two
bottles of Bass bitter beer The land
lord stuck his head out of the dining
room door and yelled to somebody in
the rear apartment Say Bill tellthe
band to play Rule Britannia The
Prince of Wales has come
School Canteens
Every public school in Paris has a
canteen on the premises where the
children are provided with warm meals
free to those who are too poor to pay
The cost of the food which is thus fur-
nished is about a penny a head
Sand Bag as a Heater
A sand bag will hold heat better tfiahi
anything else A woolen stocking filled
with fine sand anS heated In an area
will retain warmth twice as long as a
water agjor a brick
fcJsXs
A
V
Westr irffinia Petrolm
West Virginia is now producing
higbtgraae petroleum than aay othec hyf
State In the Union i s
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