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SHELL WISH SHE WASNT NEV
When her dutys manifolded
And her hours of ease are few
Will a change come oer the spirit
Of the woman who is new
When shes drawn upon a jury
Or is drafted for the wars
Will fehe like her freedom better
Than the chains she now abhors
When shes running for an office
And pets left and has the blues
Wont she wish that she was back in
The oppressed old womans shoes
When the ship of state shes steering
Mid a storm of mad abuse
Wont she wish that for the ballot
Shed neer thought she had a use
When she finds that she is treated
Like a man oh tho shes longed
For just tliat wont she be tempted
Oftentimes to think shes wronged
When no man eer gives his seat up
In a car or deigns to hold
Her umbrella when its raining
Wont she wish that she was old
Wont she think the men just horrid
Left to hustle for herself
Where shes looked on as a rival
In the race for power and pelf
When mans reverence no longer
Is accorded as her due
When he treats her as a brother
Shell be sorry that shes new
Boston Globe
A NOVEL IN A
NUTSHELL
No one brought into casual contact
with Edward Flint would have sus
pected that he was of unsound mind
None the less he was one of the most
dangerous lunatics that I had in the
X asylum
He had been an exceptionally able
lawyer and up to his 40th year had
been making a large income Over
work had however told upon him
and he was suddenly seized while in
the company of some friends with
acute homicidal mania He had been
with me for four years and on the
average had an attack of mania every
six or seven weeks During his period
of lunacy he was so ferocious as to de
mand constant care and supervision
and of course as a result had to be de
tained in the asylum
In his saner intervals no man could
have desired a pleasanter companion
and it was my constant habit to spend
half an hour or so a day in his con
genial company One day just before
his periodical attack he told me the
following story which is of such a
unique character that I give it just as
he told it me At its conclusion
wrought up to a pitch of fury he made
a determined attack on me and I near
ly paid for my tale with my life being
only rescued with difficulty by the at-
tendants
I was what the world would call a
successful man and on my fortieth
-birthday I reckoned I was making over
2000 a year I had always been a
lonely man and had never had the least
inclination toward female society con
tenting myself with my work and my
books One day however I had to
wait upon an old gentleman who had
recently come to our town for the pur
pose of drawing up his will When
this was done I was introduced to his
daughter a girl about 20 Ethel Milli
kin was not what might have been
called a beauty still I knew at once
that 1 had met my fate To you doctor
married young and happily it may
sound ridiculous for a middle aged
man to be bilking of love yet to me it
was a desperate fact I will not bore
you with her description suffice it to
say that trembling I took my leave
and went back to my office There I
thought long and deeply over this new
phase in my life and finally resolved
that cost what it might I would mar
ry Miss Millikiu and that if I couldnt
no one else should
It was clearly absurd for me to at
tempt to win her love in the usual way
the disparity in our years was so great
so I decided to win her respect first
I took time over it and quietly inter
ested myself in her pet projects sub
scribed to her sick fund lent her books
and was of use to her in many ways
Already she regarded me as a very
dear friend and I have no doubt
would soon have learned to love me
One night I was to take her and her
sister to the theater and had booked
three stalls At the last minute how
ever to my secret joy her sister had a
bad headache and was unable to go
We went as arranged and I decided to
put my fortunes to the touch during
the performance On our arrival the
theater was crowded and to my in
tense annoyance I found a young cli
ent of mine Sir Edward Berkley in
the next stall to ours I was obliged
to introduce him and had the mortifica
tion of seeing that Miss Millikin had
made an impression on him What
chance had I against a young wealthy
and handsome man And with jealous
eyes I already saw the Chateau dEs
pagne of love that 1 had so carefully
reared in ruins
On our return from the play Berk
ley insisted on accompanying us to Mr
Millikins house and was introduced
by me to him
The acquaintance ripened into
friendship and friendship into love
which I was powerless to prevent and
one day Berkley burst into my office
in a great state of excitement and ask
ed -me to congratulate him
Me of all men How I managed
with impotent rage at my heart to keep
a smooth and smiling face I do not
know but to add to the bitter irony
of the situation I had to receive in
structions to draw up my successful
rivals marriage settlements I could
have cheerfully murdered him as he sat
in his chair so bright and cheerful
with the happiness of youth glowing
In tils face Suddenly his face twitch
ed and he hastily put up his hand to
his brow
What is it I eagerly asked hop
ing he might be going to be ill
Nothing only neuralgia I have
suffered from it for years and have
tried everything and seen all the doc
tors but to no avail So now I make
the best of it
So saying he got up and took his
leave to go and make love curse him
to his fiancee
No one knows what days and nights
I spent although I worked until my
body was aching my brain would not
let me sleep I roamed up and down
my room planning impossible methods
of revenge- only to see the futility of
it all The times are not suited for
melodrama and if tI could only watch
and watch and wait
On morning I crawled down to the
office feeling utterly done up and list
lessly examined my correspondence
Among it I noted one from an old
friend who was practicing as a physi
cian in Paris Tossing the rest of the
letters to the managing clerk I began
to read my friends long letter Sud
denly a paragraph in it seemed to
stand before my eyes as if written in
fire It ran thus
You will I know be keenly inter
ested in a marvelous discovery that
Dr Luys of this city has just made
He is our great authority on brain dis
eases and also dabbles in hypnotism
and other kindred subjects
He has established beyond any
doubt that it is possible to remove the
delusions of an insane person pre
viously hypnotized by means of a thin
magnetized steel band worn around
the patients forehead for about a
week This is sufficiently marvelous
but is nothing to the fact that if a sane
man or woman wears the band pre
viously used by the lunatic the delu
sions of the latter pass in their entire
ty to the wearer who becomes an echo
in every action of his predecessor
At last At last Crushing the paper
in my hand I revelled in the exquisite
revenge the letter Revealed to me My
brain preternaturally excited in a
few moments planned the whole
scheme Violently ringing my bell I
informed the clerk who came hurrying
in that I had to go to Paris at once on
urgent business I told him to ask Sir
Edward to meet me at the office in four
days time to finish the settlement and
I started at once for London en route
for Paris
Fatigue was gone Once more alert
and active I felt as if treading on air
On the journey I rehearsed and rehears
ed the scheme I had planned out until
I thought it perfect I at once on ar
rival hastened to niy friends house
and pretended that I had not received
his letter After breakfast he took
me to Dr Luys clinic and there I saw
that the powers he laid claim to were
indeed his Selecting the neediest-looking
of his assistants I gently touched
him and drew him aside In my best
French I told him that if he came to
my hotel that evening with the band
just removed from the lunatic who had
been relieved before my eyes I would
give him 2500 francs or 100 At first
hewouldnot listen but at last he did
and I went back to mj hotel content
That evening I left Paris with my re
venge carefully packed in a small box
On arrival at my house I slept for
twelve hours a thing I had not done
for weeks and awoke ready to carry
my scheme through
I see ydu shudder doctor but I felt
calm as fate itself
The following morning I was closet
ed with Berkley for some time poring
over deeds of title and old musty docu
ments I purposely delayed in order
to fatigue him Presently I saw the
tell tale contraction of his face and I
knew he was mine Leaning across the
table I said
I had intended Sir Edward half
ruining myself in giving you a wed
ding present but I have altered my
mind I will cure your neuralgia in
stead
What said he eagerly Id give
anything if you could its the only
crossI have to bear
Well Ill cure you on one condi
tion
Name it Ill do anything
That jou give me your solemn
word of honor not to disclose to any
one the method of cure
All right only cure me
Well Ill tell you first why you
have had to promise You must know
that this office that is myself is the
repository of half the secrets of the
town This is because everyone thinks
I am a model for solid common sense
Now if you blurted out that I had ad
vised you to use a half spiritualistic
half quackish remedy why my repu
tation as an embodiment of practical
sense would be gone I used myself
to suffer from headaches and do now
for that matter and had tried every
remedy that the doctors could suggest
At last I was persuaded to try a spiri
tualist to whom I went at night He
gave me a thin band to wear whenever
I had a headache and he said it would
relieve it if due to overwork or cure it
if due to neuralgia It was to be worn
for eight days constantly and to en
able you to do it I suggest that we
both take a weeks holiday and go to
some small fishing village and try the
treatment
I paused and waited with throbbing
heart for his answer
How awfully good you are Flint
I can never repay you for your kind
ness I owe you more than I can tell
already Why you introduced me to
the loveliest
-Stay stay Dont begin that I
will arrange to start next Monday
Will that suit you
So it was agreed and he left the of
fice in high spirits while I sat on and
thought of Ethel my wife in the fu
ture
In the little village of Ancorn I
bound the fatal band round his fore
head I could not hypnotize him but
T felt sure that my intense desire for
the success of the band would be as
good as any other mans hypnotic pow
er And so it proved for on the eighth
SerN
l 1 ft U lJ T nwwMlm m
22o2
day I found Sir Edward Berkley
Ethels promised husband in his bed
room a gibbering lunatic I at once
secured the steel band which was soon
destroyed and then summoned assist
ance With great difficulty we had him
removed to an asylum and I went back
to break the news to his fiancee I did
It I flatter myself well and then left
her alone for a month Then I gradu
ally began once more to frequent the
house until I stood again in my old po
sition Berkley had been away for five
months and I thought the time had
arrived to speak my mind to Ethel I
went one afternoon to see her and if
possible to win her Sitting at her
side I was just going to speak when I
heard a step on the stair and turned
round and to my amazement saw Sir
Edward Berkeley himself Then I saw
all was over a blind fury seemed to
seize me In a moment I was on him
Ah I have you now I have jou at
last
With a bound Flint was upon me I
fought for my life but fortunately
assistance was at hand and fighting
yelling and struggling the maniac was
secured London Sketch
TWO JOKES
And of Course One Had to Be Fun
nier than the Other
Mr Giddy invited two friends to dine
with him the other evening and when
the first of them arrived he found the
host in a very merry mood
Glad you got here first he said
Ive got a joke on Jonesby that the
boys will tell around the office for a
year and I want to tell you about it be
fore he comes
Jonesby is something of a joker
himself isnt he returned the guest
He thinks so now but he wont af
ter he finds out You see hes played
a lot of fool tricks on me that he thinks
funny and Ive been waiting to get
even Of late hes taken to buying
lots of neckties and keeping a comb in
his desk and the boys think hes in love
with the typewriter
Well thats no joke Im sure
I wasnt sure about it myself un
til to day when I saw him sneak in
and lay on her desk a big candy box
done up in white paper and tied with
blue ribbons If he hadnt run away as
fast as he could hed have heard me
laughing for I couldnt restrain it an
other second
Well said the guest who was won
dering how soon dinner would be
served
Well I knew I had him then so l
just grabbed the candy box and slid it
into my overcoat pocket just as tho
typewriter came into the room
Did she suspect
No I guess not She asked me what
1 was laughing at and I told her Id
just seen a fat old man slip on a ba
nana peel She smoothed her hair
down and said she didnt see anything
funny in that she knows Im married
you see
I see We have typewriters at our
office too 4
Yes Then I invited Jonesby to din
ner to night I brought the box of can
dy home Ill bet its good too Told
my wife to put it on the dinner table
Ill tell old Jonesby the joke after its
all eaten Wont he be mad though
Sh thats him Dont say anything
Hello Jonesby old man youre late I
thought you werent coming
I am a little late returned the new
comer The fact is I stayed later than
usual at the office this evening Fact
is Id put up a joke on the typewriter
and I wanted to see what shed do
Joke on the typewriter eh What
was it said Mr Giddy winking at the
first guest
Put a box with two mice in it on her
desk I knew shed think it was can
dy and whats the matter old man
I I want to tell my wife some
thing faltered Mr Giddy
But just then a series of the most
appalling screams coming from the di
rection of the dining room told that he
was too late Chicago Tirnes HeraltL
The School Shows Off
In illustration of the way in which
teachers lessons are frequently lost on
their pupils a Chicago teacher tells a
story of some of her pupils showing
off -under her auspices She had been
drilling into them one afternoon the
difference in the meaning of the words
taught and learned over and over
again in the presence of a late visitor
she had explained the use of each of
the words and had given them several
examples in which the words were cor
rectly ised
Now she said I think you have
learned your lesson as well as I have
taught it to you Willie will you give
me a sentence with the word taught
in it
A fair haired urchin on the front seat
spoke up promptly
I fought it was time for school to
let out
No no Mamie you may give me
an example she said turning to a
bright girl farther back
I fought it was time to go home
answered Mamie with an air as if she
had done exactly the right thing
And though she tried several times
more no other form of the word than
the variation fought could the teach
er get out of her school
Nothing
Pat said Tommy to the gardener
what is nothing
There aint any such thing as noth
In replied Pat becase whin ye find
nothin and come to look at it there
aint nothin there Harpers Round
Table
A man wastes a lot of time every daj
talking foolishness and iu listening tc
foolishness as it is talked by other men
No wonder his business suffers
Whenever we hear a woman say that
she loves housewonc and the care of 9
home we long to carry her off
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Eotinc Politician Recently Appointed
Assistant Secretary of the Navy
Theodore Roosevelt whoVas recent
ly appointed Assistant Secretary of the
Navy became a character of national
interest as president of the Board of
Commissioners of Police of New York
City Roosevelt is a striking example
of what a rich young man of energy
can do if he tries Coming of a wealthy
Knickerbocker family he might have
turned out as so many others have un
der similar conditions a 5th avenue
chappie But he didnt When he
was at Harvard he distinguished him
self by studying as hard as if he had
his living to make after he was grad
uated
He had barely taken his degree and
returned to New York when he became
active in politics He was unmerciful
ly snubbed by some of the older poli
ticians but in less than two years he
was elected a member of the State As
sembly where he served for three suc
cessive terms He had been a legisla
tor but one term before he became the
leader of the Republican minority and
was a candidate for Speaker He took
a hand in national politics too and led
the band that routed the stalwart
THEODORE IJOQSEVEIT
forces when Roscoe Conkling and oth
ers tried to force a third term for
Grant on the party
In 18S6 he ran against Abram S
Hewitt for Mayor of New York and
was badly beaten but not discouraged
When Gen Harrison became President
he appointed Mr Roosevelt a member
of the United States Civil Service Com
mission and in that capacity he served
for six years ne only resigned his
post to become president of the police
board of New York City and in that
office he directed with characteristic
boldness such a shake up as no munici
pal department ever had in that mis
governed city since the time of the
Tweed exposure
In private life he has found lime to
thoroughly enjoy himself in his own
peculiar style He runs a ranch in
Dakota and when he is not hunting
for official corruption he is shooting
grizzlies roping steers or taking part
in cowboy frolics
THROWING THE DISCUS
A Novel Sport Unearthed froin the
Antiquities of Greece
A sport new to modern times has
been adopted from the Olympian games
of ancient Greece and may become a
favorite among athletes of classic
tastes It is said that the pastime of
throwing the discus was invented in
Persia and Homer states that it was a
favorite diversion of the troops be
sieging Troy Originally the discus
was of stone and disks of this charac
ter were used along with those of metal
THROWING THE DISCUS
down to the latest classical times
Homer represents some of his heroes
as contending with a lump of iron per
forated in the center for the passage of
a handle the prize for the winner being
nothing more or less than the discus
itself Some of the Americans who vis
ited Athens last year are trying to In
troduce discus throwing among college
games But the matter has not yet
passed the theoretical stage It is time
for something new in sport however
and throwing the discus combining as
it does both strength and skill is a
formidable candidate for public form
A Fellow Feelinz
You dont look literary said the
poet though you say you are Those
rags
Hold cried the tramp I have
been trying to make a living by selling
your books
Then the poet put his arm around
him and they went in and ordered din
nerAtlanta Constitution
Not Even Then
No my dear its no use talking I
shant give up smoking until Im dead
His Wife bitterly What leads you
to believe that you will give it up then
Brooklyn Life
CRISP FORMS OF THOUGHT
SOLOMON AND TUPPER TWISTED
TO SUIT A MODERN TRADE
Tlie Wisdom of the Bases and the Wit
of the Masses EVen tho Work of the
Missionaries Are Grist in the Mill
Tkey Are Poached Upon by Authors
and Advertisers
Whether Solomon invented all his prov
erbs or gathered them from many
sources with a nicer sense of permanent
worth than Mr Tupper exercised in his
later compendium is and ever will he an
open question Solomons copyright ran
out long before Tuppers time and both
are now poached upon with impunity by
all classes from authors to advertisers
But taken by themselves proverbs well
of ethnology
repay careful study Students
ogy find in the proverbs of the different
races the clearest proofs of their real char
acteristics for they are the shrewdest and
yet most intimate expressions of their
daily life
Judged by the comparison of these
homely sayings it will be found that all
nations are of one kindred possessing
common needs common aspirations and
seeking similar reliefs from toil and la
bor On the dustiest shelves of our li
braries may be found collections of all
the proverbs of the different nations
quite a large proportion of the work nav
ing resulted from the interest which mis
sionaries have taken in their earnest
studies of the uncivilized peoples whom
they seek to instruct That the shrewd
sayings of the Scotch or the bright hits
of the Irish should he carefully collected
gives little cause for surprise but a col
lection of Abyssinian proverbs of those
of the Tamil language of Icelandic lore
of the Sanscrit South Sea Islands Chin
ese and Hottentot Solomons does excite
curiosity The missionaries have found
it a pleasant as well as a profitable task
It delves deep into the idioms of the lan
guage tells with unerring accuracy the
mental tendency of the people and by in
troducing the foreigner into the inner
thought of both home and trade shows
him the real life of those who adopt them
as every day expressions
It is impossible to read the well-collated
proverbs of the Chinese without
realizing that a home life exists in that
flowery kingdom which rivals that of
many more civilized countries No Solo
mon no descendant of Abraham could
eclipse the trade proverbs of the Chinese
They touch on trade with a keenness and
thoroughness which proves them to be
masters in that school The baser life of
the Hottentot the loose morals of the fel
lah the independent spirit of the Briton
are all crystallized in their national prov
erbs
In England and many other countries
it was formerly very usual for a trades
man to select some proverb as his motto
and thus post his principles plainly over
his shop door It remained however for
an American house to appropriate the
proverbs of the world en masse and use
them for their own advancement New
Yorkers who ride on the elevated roads
or people who in less favored localities
still jog along in the slow street cars are
familiar with the blue and white proverbs
which proclaim the merits of Sapolio to
the woiId Every omnibus in London and
almost every tram car in England is
similarly adorned
They made their first appearance on the
Broadway omnibuses were gathered out
of over 4000 pages of the worlds collec
tions and twisted to suit the case Many
are beyond easy recognition in their
new dress many are entirely original but
these are also printed between inverted
commas which lend a glamour of anti
quity to them To day we are told that
over 20000 of these blue cards are dis
played in public conveyances carrying
over 6000000 passengers daily
Condensed thought generally requires
padding to make it intelligible to the
masses just as the stomach of the horse
must be distended with hay to make the
oats digest readily but with proverbs it
is quite otherwise Their popularity is
only reached because they have passed
muster as being clear to every mind They
tell their story with a directness and brev
ity which pleases the public as the dic
tionary did the old Scotch woman They
air braw stories she said but unco
short Turned to tell the practical story
of Sapolio they often acquire new inter
est Who reads the advice Be patient
and you will have patient children with
out an innate respect for the advice which
follows not to fret over house cleaning
but do it easily with Sapolio And who
can repress a smile when the Sapolionic
artist pictures the patient father and the
X
impatient twins defying the proverb But
the mother will be back sooner if she fol
low the advice Our familiar The pot
calls the kettle black takes a new inter
est in its Italian form The pot says to
the pan Keep off or youll smutch me
The universal toil of the world finds ex
pression in the Catalan phrase Where
wilt thou go Ox that thou wilt not
plough Almost all nations possess a
proverb which declares that if you forbid
a fool a thing that he will do and with
confidence in the good will of the public
the advertiser of Sapolio puts it hi this
form
Forbid a fool a thing and that he will
do So we say for variety Dont use
Sapolio but then youre not a fool
A touch of nature which makes all the
world akin springs out of the quaint
thought that A needle though naked
Itself clothes others Who can hear it
once and ever see a needle without recall
ing it Who fails to recognize the picture
it suggests of the aid given to the poor by
the poor and of the help which is every
where gained from the humblest of assist
ants
What can be more practical than the
statement that a handsaw i3 a good
-
tiF
Twnr
thing but not to shave with which a-
f
urally suggests the proper use of SapoKo ty
Slang never can be confounded with n
proverbial phrases It seems universal
but it is merely a local form used to ex
press a transient but popular idea Years
ago when a general rush at hotel keeping
teerxRUHt
resulted in many failures the slang ran
Hes a very good man but he cant keep
a hotel All such phrases are local and
temporary They do not survive indeed
rarely possess merit enough to reach a
second year without evident decline in
popularity We have noticed that none of
the advertisements of Sapolio make use of
slang and probably for this reason
Naturally many of the best proverbs
used in this connection relate to household
cleanliness and all the original ones oxf
framed to that end Dirt in the housef
builds the highway to beggary deserves
recognition despite its origin House
hold sayings in the sense of four walled
buildings full of furniture are quite lack
ing in many Eastern tongues We believe
that no reference to clean housekeeping
can be found in the Koran or even in the
Bible except that of the woman who
swept the house to find her lost coin
Shakspeare rather slights the subject but
whether because it was not deemed impor
tant in that intellectual but dirty age or
because he soared to grander things we
will not discuss but the England of to
day well says of home The cleaner tis
the cosier tis and our American adver
tiser improves the opportunity to add that
humble homes made bright with Sapolio
are better than tawdry palaces Alas
for the thoughtlessness of the man who
forgot to ask whether his bride used Sa
polio The Scotch proverb records his
case Ye hae tied a knot wi your tongue
ye winna loose wi your teeth
A PROFIT ON BIG FAMILIES
Mill Operatives Find an Advantage
in Many Children
The cable dispatches telling of the
proposal of the French government to
offer premiums for large families hop
ing by this inducement to restore the
native population to its size of a quar
ter of a century ago merely broach as
something novel a system which has
for reasons not of statecraft but mere
ly personal long been in operation in
Eastern Connecticut
In the mills which are to be found
wherever in this hilly portion of the
State there is a water power the work
ers are French Canadians Big mills
with their hundreds and even thouX
sands of operatives are numerous and
little mills each employing from twen
ty to thirty to 100 to 200 workers of
both sexes are tucked down between
the hills in all sorts of possible and
seemingly impossible spots
In the large mills is to be found a
sprinkling of women of other nationali
ties but fully 90 per cent are French
In the smaller mills there are practi
cally none but French workmen
What surprises the visitor who has
come out of a New England city like
Hartford or New Haven to see how
cotton and woolen goods are made is
the number of children in the factories
Should this visitor ask the
tendent of a small mill to point out the
children of one family he will name
half a dozen inthe room in which he
happens to be indicate another on the
stairs and four or five in the various
workrooms
The father and mother may or may
not be workers in the factory If the
family is large enough the mother is
the housekeeper and the onerous duty
of the father is to escort his offspring
to and frofn work He goes to the
mill with them in the morning and
knows that they are all inside the gate
before the hour for starting the ma
chinery At noon he conveys them
home to dinner and back to the fac
tory At night he may come to take
them home but this is not an Impera
tive duty On pay day he comes to
the factory and draws the wages of all
of them
This child farming is but one act of
the drama of French factory life The
years during which all the children
work and the father draws the wages
are necessarily few The fund for a
life of ease must be made quickly The
female child which at 14 Is the source
of greatest profit is ready to marry
one of her own class at 16 and she does
so promptly The new husband and
wife will work on in the mill for the
next five years with occasional Inter
ruptions when there are additions to
the family and then they vanish They
have gathered their savings and gone
to Canada to raise a family They
make no fuss about the matter It h
the regular thing Ten years later or
even sooner they will be back with a
big string of boys and girls to earn
money foe them they will gather the
profits and retire for life to the Cana
dian farm as their fathers and moth
ers did
It is noticeable of late years that the
operatives are more in haste to be rich
than formerly They rush back to the
factories with smaller families than
were common twenty years ago In
deed it is rarely now that families of
more than thirteen are found and few
in the factory tenements exceed ten in
number New York Times
Papa said a boy I know what
makes people laugh In their sleeve
Well my son what makes them -
Cause thats where their funny bono
is Spare Moments
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