he Valentine enocrnt
ROBERT GOOD Editor and Trop
VALENTINE
NEBRASKA
Lunatics In an asylum in St John
N Bf have decided to publish a paper
No better proof of their lunacy could be
shown
- -
Tesla says that a person who sleeps
nine hours a day ought to live a hun
dred jears It Is a mystery how the
Philadelphians manage to die at all
The newspaper of 1897 may contain
a social item to the effect that the
happy couple then entered to the en
trancing strains of the divorce march
from Smile and Grin
The United States Senate is to test a
new ventilating system during the
- ent session The Senate never will be
satisfactorily ventilated however un
til the work is done at the polls
It does not require much courage to
burn a Spanish flag away out here in
the interior of America not near as
much as it required in the days of boy
hood to burn pepper on the schoolroom
6tove
The Denver Times says that Miss
Frances Willard is to be presented on
a bust to her alma mater It would be
a waste of time to try to untangle this
but it may not be amiss to say that
Miss Willard is not to be given away
to anybody or to anything and also
that she never is on a bust anyway
Neither mendicants nor millionaires
are the happiest of mankind The1
man who has a good business and who
can make a reasonable living and lay
aside something for the future who
can educate his children and can leave
enough to keep the wolf of want from
the door of those he loves ought to be
the happiest of men
Joseph Bailey Democratic leader of
the House of Representatives declined
to attend a White House dinner be
cause he never has worn and never
will wear a dress suit Texas will no
doubt be pained to learn that the ju
venile Congressman has permitted
dress suits to scare him away from a
good dinner He should have stuck his
pants in his boots and waded in
The New York Tribune advises Chi
cago to negotiate for a cession of the
Canadian half of Lake Michigan and
take a census of the fishes to keep
somewhere in sight of the procession
This would be inexcusable in any oth
er than a New York paper but of
course a journal which believes Hobo
ken is the western boundary of the
United States is not supposed to know
that there is no such thing as the Ca
nadian half of Lake Michigan
The Chicago police department re
ports that Dennis Lynch who gradu
ated from the civil service commis
sions list of eligibles and became a full
fledged policeman attempted to rob a
citizen on the streets late at night and
the wayfarer arrested the officer and
escorted him to headquarters where
he lost his star within twenty four
hours after his appointment Dennis
seems to possess the true police in
stinct but in his enthusiasm he tackled
the wrong man at the start and of
course his name is what it is
There is one institution in France
which has hitherto contrived to with
stand all the numerous and revolution
ary changes of government namely
the Bank of France which owes its
origin to the first Napoleon The I
tion as to the renewal of its charter has
just come up for discussion in the Leg
islature which has voted its prolonga
tion Since the foundation of the bank
it has had but ten governors while
France has during the same period of
time had no less than nine different
regimes and considerably over a hun
dred Cabinets
Voting by machinery has not yet
been perfected so far as practical dem
onstration shows The apparatus
which was used at Troy N Y broke
down after it had worked a while and
caused the electors and judges no end
of trouble Forty two men had voted
up to the time of the accident and
-when the recording dials were exam
ined to discover the cause of the acci t
dent it was found that by some error
of the mechanism all these votes werei
recorded for one set of candidates If
may be that these contraptions can be
-made absolutely flawless but until thati
time the old way of voting would bet-
ter be adhered to There is such a
thing as carrying labor saving devices r
too far
The multiplex printing telegraph la
rented by Prof Henry A Rowland of
the Johns Hopkins University Balti
more will soon be put upon the mar
ket By the instrument an operator
can transmit a telegram written upon
a typewriter and have it reproduced in
typewritten form at the receiving end
In addition to the typewriting part of
the invention Dr Rowland with his
new machine can send over the same
wlre five or six different messages at
the same time in one direction which
In duplex makes ten or twelve mes
sages that can be transmitted on the
same wire at the same time Thus
-with five operators at each end of a
line sending each an average of thirty
words a minute 300 words can be
transmitted each minute Dr Row
land inquired at the Patent Office in
Washington and was informed that
no such invention has ever been receiv
ed there typewriting telegraphy hav
ing been attempted before but upon
ientirely different principles He has
used a synchonous device in his Inven
tion and in the mechanical arrange
ment of the typewriter has used but
eight combinations The current of
electricity transmitting the message
can be relayed and in this manner the
invention can be operated for great
distances When completed Dr Row
land says the new instrument will be
as convenient and as easily operated as
the ordinary telegraphic dispatching
and receiving apparatus
A Berlin dispatch says that hereafter
It will be the settled policy of the Ger
man Government to direct the stream
of German emigration elsewhere than
to the United States South and Cen
tral American countries are mentioned
as the places to wrhich an attempt will
be made to turn the tide the reason
assigned being that in those countries
the autonomous and uniform make up
of German colonies will not be politi
cally interfered with This is very
vague but probably it means that Ger
man emigrants to South America can
still continue to be German citizens
and subject to military duty The Ger
man immigration is as good as we get
from Europe and yet the United States
is not suffering even for that If Ger
man emigrants prefer South or Cen
tral America let them go there but it
Is doubtful if the efforts of the Gov
ernment to control the matter will
amount to much
Can we ever truly benefit ourselves
without benefiting our neighbors We
each have a certain amount of capac
ity and power in various directions
which we are continually giving out to
the world either in the form of work
or assistance or affection or influence
or in some other way This power may
be wasted and diminished or devel
oped and increased One of the chief
causes of the former is an enfeebled
organization and impaired vitality and
a large factor in the latter is a health
ful and vigorous condition of the phys
ical system It is true that these are
not wholly under our own control but
science is daily revealing to us how
much of them we may secure by sani
tary surroundings and hygienic habits
In cultivating these we are adding to
all our powers and as these powers
directly result in benefiting the world
self care becomes not merely a pru
dential but a moral and social duty
Astronomers believe that they have
discovered that the two smallest plan
ets Mercury and Venus which are
both nearer the sun than the earth
have practically stopped revolving
around their respective axes Each of
these planets it is claimed revolves on
its axis in the same time it takes to
journey completely round the sun This
results in only one side of each planet
receiving the sunlight Hence there is
everlasting night on one half of each
planet and everlasting day on the other
half This is the same condition as pre
vails on our moon So that if astronom
ers are correct the solar system has
three worlds that to all appearances are
dead Three dead worlds Can this be
possible in a universe we have been
accustomed to look upon as full of life
Suppose the astronomers are right in
stating that Venus and Mercury have
no revolution that can produce the
changes of night and day so that per
petual night reigns on one half of each
planet It does not follow that life
cannot exist in these worlds Before
deciding that these orbs are destitute
of life the factor of human activity or
the activity of beings akin to human
beings must be considered If these
worlds have ceased to revolve except
extremely slowly does this not mean
that they are much older than the other
planets And if older whatever life
existed on them must have attained a
wisdom we know nothing of What is
there against the idea that the dark
sides of these worlds are brilliantly lit
up with electricity and warmed by the
same agency They may be thickly
peopled by beings who work and play
on the bright side for a period and then
retire to the dark regions for rest This
is a more attractive view than the one
that dead worlds cumber the universe
As Others See Ir
Now thats what makes me crazy
said Mr Patten tapping the pink
monthly in front of him If there was
ever anything idiotic in the world
there it is Thats the limit of chump
ery
Whats the matter now asked Car
ter
Look here Heres a department
called Answers to Correspondents It
fills a column of space and nobody on
earth can make head or tail of it ex
cept the people who wrote in and asked
the questions Why didnt they write
to these ignoramuses instead of put
ting in a lot of stuff that distresses and
puzzles regular readers Its lunacy
thats what it is
The department to which Mr Pat
ten referred led off as follows
J T M Cedar Grove Til Yes
Myrtle Buena Park At least threo
times a day
Reader Smoky Center Pa Un
doubtedly unless she sends word oth
erwise
Oscar Yamville Ga Some do and
others dont It depends
Kitty G Burlington Iowa Under
the peculiar circumstances you may
have been justified
H H Saginaw Mich In the eighth
round No With the right hand
Mrs G Dayton Ind Oct 19 1867
Your second question is puzzling Use
arsenic
Im going to call that column the
puzzle department said Mr Patten
glowering at it
Now what the dickens happened on
Oct 19 1SG7 And what is it Myrtle
must do twice a day Put on some
complexion wash I suppose TJaeres
Jan editor that annoys 10000 innocent
people in order to answer one fool
I question Chicago Record
WORK OF CONGRESS
THE WEEKS DOINGS IN SENATE
AND HOUSE
A Comprehensive Digest of the Pro
ceedings in the Legislative Cham
bers at Washington Mattci a that
Concern the People
Lawmakers at Labor
The House Friday completed the consid
eration of the Senate amendments to the
Indian appropriation bill and sent the bill
to conference The main contention cen
tered about the Senate proposition open
the Uncompahgre Indian reservation un
der the mineral land laws Finally an
amendment was recommended to the ef
fect that no corporation should be allow
ed to obtain possession of these gijsonite
deposits but that the Government should
lease the lands in limited areas and for
limited terms of years The Senate
amendment striking from the House bill
the provision for the ratification of the oil
and gas leases made by the council of the
Seneca Indians last December was dis
agreed to A resolution was adopted by
which a committee of twenty five was ap
pointed to attend the dedication of the
Grant tomb in New York on Tuesday and
the House agreed to a program of three
day adjournments
The Senate chamber had a deserted ap
pearance when the session opened Mon
day Mr Harris of Tennessee was at
his desk for the first time in many weeks
and was congratulated on his recovery
from a serious illness In the absence of
the Vice President and President pro
tern Mr Frye Mr Nelson of Minne
sota occupied the chair Dr Milburns
opening prayer made eloquent reference
to the gathering of thousands to nay trib
ute to the great chieftain Grant and in
voked that the glow of patriotism freshly
pnkindled may strengthen our nation our
Government and the Union of the States
When the Indian bill was reported back
from the House an effort was made to
send it to conference but Mr Gorman
objected saying it had been understood
that no business whatever was to be
transacted Thereupon at 1205 p m
on motion of Mr Morrill the Senate ad
journed to Thursday
The question of whether business was
to be done by the Senate was raised
by Mr Pettigrew Thursday Mr Petti
grew proposed that the Senate direct a
conference on the Indian appropriation
bill A message from the President
transmitting the report of the commission
to adjust the boundary line between the
United States and Mexico west of the
Rio Grande was read Mr Quay present
ed a resolution calling upon the Secretary
of the Interior for information as to
whether the leases of the Senecas oil
lands had been made in the usual manner
and whether there had been any corrup
tion It was agreed to Mr Pettigrew
followed with a resolution calling on the
Commissioner of Labor for information
as to the cost of producing 1000 feet
board measure of white pine lumber
the answer to include the cost of work in
the woods and in the mill both in the
United States and Canada This was
adopted with the addition of a question
concerning the cost of stumpage The
House was in session seven minutes The
journal was not read Both houses ad
journed to Monday
Dr W G Hnnter
The man accused of attempting to se
cure the Kentucky Senatorship by brib
ery
Sparks from the Wires
Chicago Milwaukee and St Paul offi
cials estimate their flood damages in the
Northwest at 150000
It is now believed that the alleged bood
ling sensations in the Michigan Legisla
ture are without foundation
A series of cloudbursts accompanied
by heavy winds caused great destruction
in and about Eufaula I T
President Diaz of Mexico has issued a
decree establishing a naval school at Vtra
Cruz to be opened July next
Hotmails son may be the Democratic
nominee to succeed his father from the
Fourth congressional district of Indiana
Teter Maher and Tom Sharkey will
fight for a 10000 purse in the vicinity
of New York between May 25 and June 1
To get rid of an objectionable sivept
railway the municipal authorities of Sault
Ste Marie Mich tore up three miles of
track
Antonio Maximo Moria the principal
party to whom Spain recently paid the
famous claim of 1000000 is dead in
New York
The Turkish minister at Washington
denies that Edhem Pasha has been super
seded in command of the army operating
in Thessaly
Three persons were struck by Pittsburg
trolley cars Sunday Of these one is dead
another is expected to die while the tbiid
will recover
The University of Virginia baseball
team gained the championship of the
South by defeating the University of
North Carolina
Matters in Bulgaria are said to be very
serious and a declaration of independence
is being discussed by prominent officers
of the Government
The budget committee of the Mexican
Congress reports an estimated revenue for
the fiscal year beginning July 1 at S50
425900 and disbursements some 15000
less
The Ohio medical law has been declar
ed constitutional in the lower courts It
requires physicians to register and have
certificates based upon practice or exam
ination
Germany is said to be working tointer
est France and Russia agaiust Great Brit
ains policy in South Africa Germany
in return promises to support French
policy jn Egypt
SAME OLD CHESTNUTS
By making the foreigners contribute from 150000000 to 200000000 an
nually to get into our market we enable our own people to run their business at a
profitAmerican Economist Organ of Protective Tariff League March 20 188
Uncle Sam Say Dingley you might as well come down Youre not
getting any chestnuts and youre not fooling voters McKinley had some ex
perience up that tree its a horse chestnut in 1890 He pretended that he
was making the foreigner pay the tax but he soon found out what the peo
ple thought of him and his bill The bulk of Americans are both honest
and intelligent The intelligent voter knows that you cant make the foreigner
pay his taxes and the honest voter prefers to pay his own taxes Yon can never
make your bill popular by such tomfoolery
THE TARIFF ON CUTLERY
Why
tho Trust Can Dictate Such Out
rageously Hfh Duties
One of the worst schedules in the
Dingley bill is that relating to cutlery
especially pocket cutlery The duties
on pocketknives range from 100 per
cent to 300 per cent above present du
ties and are nearly double those in the
McKinley bill Why you will ask are
these duties so extraordinarily high
And why aro they allowed to remain
there Both questions are easily an
swered
It is unnecessary here to go into de
tails Before McKinleys nomination
one of the five or six largo manufactur
ers of pocket cutlery who was prom
inent in the trust which raised prices
an average of about 35 per cent under
the McKinley bill began to hustle for
McKinley He is said to have raised a
large sum of money by passing the hat
among the 20 or 25 cutlery manufactur
ers Just how the money was spent is
not known It is probable however
that several McKinley delegates to St
Louis owed their presence there to this
fund The hat passer himself was one
of the very few delegates from New
York who was for McKinley first last
and all the time He was one of Han-
nas most trusted lieutenants One of
the two favors which he is said to have
asked as compensation for his valuable
services was the fixing of the cutlery
schedule This privilege being an ordi
nary and expected one under the protec
tion system was readily granted by the
power behind the throne This is prob
ably the whole story It explains fully
why the duties are there and why they
will stay there
Below is given in detail some of the
effects of the proposed duties as applied
to importations for the last fiscal year
Of course but few knives will be im
ported under such exorbitant duties
PROPOSED SCHEDULE
First All pocket knives not costing more
than 40 cents a dozen 85 per cent ad valorem
Second Costing moro than 40 cents a dozen
1 blade 20 per cent ad valorem and 50 cents a
dozen
Third Costing moro than 40 cents a dozen
2 blade 20 per cent ad valorem and SI a dozen
If pearl or shell 50 cents a dozen extra
Fourth Costing moro than 40 cents a dozen
8 blade 20 per cent ad valorem and 150 a
dozen
Fifth Costing more than 40 cents a dozen 4
blades or more 20 per cent ad valorem and 2
a dozen
If pearl or shell 75 cents a dozen extra on 3
and 4 blades
Calculation showing result based on importa
tions for fiscal year 1SSG All knives costing 40
cents per dozen nnd less
266000 dozen average price 26 cents value
76060 85 per cent
Knives costing over 40 cents per dozen
48000 dozen 1 blade average price 60 cents
value 28800 at 20 per cent and 50 cents a
dozen duty 29760
392000 dozen 2 blade average price 103
value 403760 at 20 per cent and 1 a dozen
duty 472752
277000 dozen 3 blade average price 127
value 351700 at 20 per cent and 150 a dozen
duty 48585S
254000 dozen 4 blade average price 173
mlue 439420 at 20 percent and 2 per dozen
duty 595884
Total value 1223770 total duty 15S4254
129i per cent
Estimated that of 2 3 and 4 blade 25 per cent
are of pearl or shell adding duty as follows
93000 dozen 2 blade at 50c 49000
09250 dozen Sblade at 75c 59438
C3500 dozen 4 blade at 75c 47025
1740317 142 p c
RESULT
Knives to the value of 6 per cent of importa
tions duty would be 35 per cent
Knives to the value of 94 per cent of impor
tations duty would be 142 per cent
The duty on pocket cutlery for some years
prior to 1860 was 24 per cent ad valorem
From 1860 to 1890 it was 50 per cent ad va
lorem with the exceptions of a short time
during that period when it was 45 per cent ad
valorem
The McKinley tariff averaged about 91 per
cent ad valorem
The Wilson tariff averaged about 51 per cent
ad valorem
The proposed Dingley tariff will average
based on the importations of 1696 142 per
cent ad valoremon 94 per cent of all knives
imported during that year
The equivalent ad valorem duties on the fol
lowing popular description of knives under
the McKinley bill Wilson bill and proposed
Dingley bill are as follows
McKin
ley bill
P C
2 blade jackknives that re
tail at 25 cents 112
2 blade pearl ladies knives
that retail at 25 cents 112
2 blade pearl ladies knives
that retail at 50 cents 83
8 blade penknives not pearl
or shell that retail at 50
cents 83
3 blade penknives pearl or
shell that retail at 50 cents S3
i blado penluiives not pearl
or shell that retail at 50
cents 83
i blade penknives pearl or
shell that retail at 50 cents S3
Wilson Ding-
bill ley bill
P C P C
56
56
51
51
51
51
51
145
195
120
120
170
160
204
Champ Clarks Wit
Champ Clark of Missouri is not only
one of the wittiest men in the house of
representatives but he is one of tho
best posted on the tariff question
In ridiculing some of the rates of the
Dingley bill that to him seemed subject
to criticism he recited how a man of
the name of Goodyear went before tho
ways and means committee and secured
the tariff he wanted by some skillful
palaver about the great statesmen that
Maine had produced Then he said
Mr Chairman that piece of soft
soap made it harder for every poor
man in the United States to build a
house Governor Dingley swallowed the
bait as quick as a trout would swallow
a fly laughter and next summer some
poor devil out west living in a dugout
100 miles from a railroad station who
voted for McKinley under the deluded
idea that prosperity would come under
his administration and who has not
heard of this tariff bill ciphers it out
that he can build him a two room cot
tage with lumber and other building
materials at the old rate He goes to the
station to get the lumber and finds that
the price has gone sky high and he goes
back to his home and says to his wife
My dear I am sorry that we must stay
in the dugout We cannot build our lit
tle house A great man by the name of
Governor Dingley has put the price of
lumber and other things so high that
we cannot do it but thank God he
has left dragons blood free Laughter
Next year when my handsome friend
from Iowa Mr Doliiver returns to
that fine agricultural district which he
represents some man who has not been
able to buy a coat because of the high
price of woolen cloth will say to his
neighbor There comes Doliiver who
put up the price of woolen goods But
the successful candidate for the post
office in that district says Oh but Dol
iiver put divi divi on the free list
And in chorus they sing Doliiver and
divi divi forever Laughter Ap
plause on the Democratic side
Why Increase the Coal Duty
Under the existing tariff bituminous
coal pays 40 cents a ton The Dingley
bill proposes to make this 75 cents In
1895 6 the imports of bituminous coal
into the United States were 1243835
tons The exports were 2246284 Tho
figures for Canada were Imported from
Nova Scotia New Brunswick etc
128404 tons from Quebec Ontario
etc 399S7 from British Columbia
627257 exports to these three divisions
respectively 413 tons 1671302 and
3094 Canada now proposes in case the
Dingley rate is imposed to retaliate by
a high duty on our coal which will
certainly not stimulate exports Here
is an export business worth twice as
much as the corresponding import busi
ness and it is proposed to run the risk
of ruining the former for the sake of
screwing 350000 taxes out of the lat
ter and this on the plea of reviving
American industry Can any sane man
fail to see that even assuming that
imports do not fall off it is hardly
worth while for the sake of a paltry
350000 to tempt Canada into ruining
an established business nearly twice as
large as that which is to yield the tax
Yet this is the way in which the old
thing works
The Protection Umbrella
WAVtr JWji
7 77 7
wmst
vf ft v r rtiirtf i iii
Imp
Punctures the Theory
The opposition of the protected inter
ests of Massachusetts to a duty on hides
looks like an abandonment of the favor
ite protectionist theory that the for
eigner pays the tax
Indolence is the sleep of the mind
HIRAM DARTS HEIFUSAL
TViy He Dili Not Marry the Charming
Widovr Breese
whnn nlri Hiram Dart was In his
75th year the faithful old wife who
had been his companion for a full half
century sickened and died and to tho
surprise and amusement of his rural
neighbors old Hiram set forth in
search of another wife before Hannah
his first spouse had been six weeks In
her grave
He made no secret of the fact that
he was in the market and seemed
surprised that the bidders were so few
He attributed this fact to the general
lack of taste and judgment in the
wimmin folks of the present day
Theyre a finicky lot anyhow said
old Hiram an it comes o this fool
new wimmen idee
One day old Hiram drove by a neigh
bors house all rigged up in his Sun
day best and with a blue satin necktie
forming a marked contrast to the big
red geranium in his buttonhole He
tarried for a moment at his neighbors
gate and frankly confessed that ho
was goin a sparkin
The object of this amatory visitation
was the Widow Breese who lived
over Hebron way and with whom
old Hiram was wholly unacquainted
Some one had in a spirit of either mal
ice or mischief made old Hiram believe
that the Widow Breese a rooust well-to-do
woman of about 00 would be in
clined to look with favor on Hirams
suit
An it wont be no harm done to g
an see her anyway said Hiram as
he drove away
It was nearly dark when Hiram re
appeared far less buoyant that when
he went away His neighbor was on
the lookout and bailing the old man
he said
Well Uncle niram did the Widow
Breese refuse you
Not much she didnt retorted Hi
ram spiritedly I refused herl
You refused her Why what do
you mean Uncle Hiram
Mean jess what I say I refused
the old old cattymount
Why Uncle Hiram is that a re
spectful way to speak about a lady
A lady Humph Great lady old
Jane Breese is You call a woman a
lady who sails into a feller with a
broomstick an calls im an ole fool an
sich like names
Did Mrs Breese do that
She jest did I guess shed got wind
that I was comin for Id hardly inter
doosed myself an began to state my
bizness when she flew at me with a
broomstick an drenched me with hot
water an sicked her dawg on me an
jawed the worst I ever heerd I jess
waited till she got through an then I
up an told her pint blank that I
wouldnt have her if she was the last
woman on top of the earth Yes sir I
refused her jest that pint blank
Relieves Him of Monotony
She stood at the window of the Illi
nois Central ticket office and compared
her time with that of the depot clockrv f
Youre too fast she said to the tick
et agent According to that clock my
train would be gone ten minutes
Which is your train asked tho
man
The 1015
Yes its gone It is now 1025
You mean that your time is 1025
Now my watch never was wrong since
I owned it and it is just 1015 I have
lost a minute looking for the train Its
too bad that things should be ran that
way
We run all trains on schedule time
said the ticket agent
I should think there would be col
lisions and all sorts of happenings
with such time as that You might set
your clock by my watch if you like and
start your next train on the right time
The man smiled good naturedly and
then as a sudden thought struck him
asked
Is your watch going
Sir you dont think I carry a dumb
watch do you
Sometimes ladies watches run-
down
She put the watch to her ear and
looked very grave Then she tried the
other ear
I believe my cold has made me deaf
But you can hear for youuself
He listened and shook his head Then
he handed it back to her
Its as dead as a door nail You
must have forgotten to wind it lastf
night
You must be a mind reader said
the woman holding the delinquent
timepiece to her ear as if the charge
against it had not been fully proven
I took that watch off to wind it last
night when the fire engines went past
our house and I forgot all about it I
shouldnt wonder if your time is all
right after all And she walked
cheerfully away while the ticket man
said to a waiting customer that life
would be a dull dreary Sahara of com
merce if such litle diversions didnt
happen frequently Chicago Tribune
Not a Matter of Health
They were discussing the construc
tion of a new gown
From a hygienic point of view and
merely as a matter of health suggest
ed the dressmaker I think it should
be made
The haughty beauty stopped her by a
gesture
Hygienic point of view she ex
claimed Matter of health What has
that to do with it When I want
health I will go to a doctor When I
want style I come to you We will
now eliminate all absurdities and
cuss this purely from a common sense
standpoint Will it be fashionable and
becoming Chicago Post
First E Pluribus Unnm Money
was struck at Newburg N Yin 17861 jj f
W
was tihe first town XI Pi
Unum appeared k