vw n
F
310KKIT GOOJ Kclltor and Pro
VALENTINE - NEBRASKA
An Arknnsas preacher declares that
he has just discovered that the devil
Is a lawyer If he is living in Arkan
sas he is getting his just deserts
Nansen already has made 150000
of his failure to bring home the
north pole In his case a miss appar
ently -was as good as several mijes
A goat entered the office of a town
clerk inWilletts Kan and chewed up
ledger before the invasioa was
covered The county officials think thjs
looks suspicious and are trying to get
t the inside facts
The reminder that this is the season
lor tree planting is a timely one and
should be widely acted upon Few
things would contribute more to the at
tractiveness of streets and roads than
roVs of thrifty shade trees
Philadelphia Record The kindergar
ten lies at the bottom of the public
school system It is a ilttle nearer to
bed rock than our system of education
lias ever before attained Congress
man Barrett of Massachusetts is right
when he insists that more kindergar
tens should be established even if the
high schools should have to be aban
doned We are expending too much
money on the roof and too little on the
underpinning of our schools
An English actress called her com
pany together the other night took
leave of it gave the members her jew
elry and dresses and announced that
she had joined the Salvation Army
The woman was Ada Ward not un
known in this country and her conver
sion appears to be sincere There has
been nothing similar to her change of
heart since Tames Sheridan Knowles
actor and playwright abandoned the
theater to become an extreme evangel
ist and preacher at Exeter Hall
A singular omission in the matter or
legal formalities is the failure of the
Federal laws to provide for notifying
a President elect of his election The
electoral votes are counted and the re
sult of the enumeration is recorded in
the journals of both Houses of Con
gress but it is left for the President
elect to find out the result in whatever
way he can and to present himself for
inauguration on the next succeeding
fourth day of March As a matter of
fact the person elected to the highest
office in the republic gets his notifica
tion from the newspapers
The State of Washington is proceed
ing systematically in the work of re
claiming its arid lands the operations
being under the direction of an Arid
Land Commissioner A recent report
by this officer says that by the process
of irrigation over 1000000 acres in the
State may be made fertile The work
in hand is the reclamation of some
S50000 acres which have been with
drawn from the public domain at a
cost mostly for personal service of
about 7000 Abundant water for this
large tract can be had from the
Natchez River re enforced by a series
of reservoirs the water to be supplied
br a canal lo0 miles in length
The English newspapers are becom
ing venturesome One of them has
sent a correspondent on a secret mis
sion of which it speaks in the follow
ing mysterious terms We cannot in
dicate his destination for the journey
that lies before him is one of the most
perilous kind and a whisper of his
identity or the purpose of his mission
would seal his death warrant He pur
poses to tread a path that has never
known the foot of a white man and
will travel Avith such a following as no
newspaper correspondent has ever
mustered for his private ends Hun
dreds of men and scores of horses will
follow his banner and every man of the
party will cany his life in his hand
Whewl
Trusts are destroying themselves
They are engaged in every line in a
systematic suicide Nature abhors
monopoly as it abhors a vacuum There
is something in human nature and hu
man conditions which prevents the for
mation or the continuance if partial
formation is had of a combination in
restraint of trade Some one will break
away from the imperfect union and
-war will result On every hand is evi
dence of the truth of this assertion
Grapling each other trusts are every
where destroying themselves The
latest felo de se is the United States
Butibef Company which has been en
deavoring to rid itself of its rival the
Boston Rubber Shoe Company and in
the war which has succeeded is well
nigh at deaths door itself Its stock is
rapidly declining and before the war
ends the price will probably be next to
nothing
New York Tribune The Mafia Soci
ety in New Orleans does not seem to
have been pulled up by the roots in the
-massacre of its members which took
-place there a few years ago It is still
active and apparently quite capable of
Its old murderous exploits The Papal
delegate who recently visited that city
came immediately under its ban and
was forced to flee before its wrath His
offense was that in a sermon he had
declared that the Italian immigrants
came largely from the criminal classes
of that country and did not represent
either the middle class or the industri
ous poor So far as the New Orleans
contingent of that population is con
cerned its conduct in the past affords
considerable justification of the dele
gates affirmations The Mafia which
Is merely a society of murderers has j
had one sharp lesson there which it has
obviously not laid sufficiently to heart
and it Is just possible that it is prepar
ing itself for another an incident to be
more deplored than the forcible depor
tation of every Italian in the common
wealth
The United States Consulates at Lon
don Paris Rio de Taniero Liverpool
Shanghai Calcutta and Hong Kong pay
5000 a year Melbourne pays 4500
and Berlin Montreal Yokohama Pan
ama and Mexico City 4000 Halifax
Vienna Amoy Canton Tientsin
Havre and Callao are worth 3500 and
the Samoan Islands Constantinople
Dresden Guyaquil Frankfort Ottawa
Rome St Petersburg Singapore Cape
Town St Gall Switzerland Prague
Antwerp Valparaiso Colon Chin
Klang Fuchau Hankow Bordeaux
Barmen Nuremberg Belfast Brad
ford Demerax a Glasgow Kingston
Manchester Nagasaki Osaki Kobe
Vera Cruz Matanzas Cuba Basle
Switzerland and Montevideo pay 3
000 each Thirty one Consulates in dif
ferent parts of the world pay 2500
and sixty two pay 2000 each The
remainder pay 1500 and 1000
It was inevitable that the great pow
er which for countless ages went to
waste over the mighty fails of the Ni
agara River should sooner or later be
harnessed and utilized for the purposes
of man But it would surely have been
much later had it not been for the in
domitable courage of one young man
Mr William B Rankine He did not
originate the scheme which has been
successfully carried out but he carried
it through in the face of difficulties and
discouragements that would have baf
fled ninety nine men out of a hundred
The engineering and mechanical diffi
culties were tremendous and to over
come them the greatest practical scien
tists in the world were consulted But
the financial difficulties seemed quite
insurmountable The undertaking Avas
so gigantic and the sum required so
great that the boldest financiers turn
ed away But Mr Rankine would not
be denied With an unfaltering faith
in the feasibility of the scheme he met
each new discouragement with the se
renity of a strong nature and at last
achieved one of the greatest business
successes of the age Mr Rankine is a
lawyer by profession and not yet 40
A woman took lodging at an English
hotel in November 1895 In August
1S96 she Avas still there This long resi
dence at a hotel amazed the proprietor
and he requested her to move It does
not appear that she acted offensively
or that she was objectionable in any
way She paid her board regularly and
refused to leave The proprietor in her
absence one day locked the door and
set her luggage in the hall She sued
for damages holding that she came to
the hotel as a traveler and as such Avas
entitled to remain The court held that
she had ceased to be a traveler by her
long stay and it denied her claim The
London newspapers uphold this deci
sion the Daily News saying It Avould
clearly be monstrous absurdity that a
person should be able to compel admit
tance to a hotel by virtue of an ancient
rule devised in favor of Avayfarers and
then retain his footing whether his
presence Avas Avelcome or not for life
Mine host Avithout having anything
against the character of the guest may
naturally shrink from carrying on his
business upon such terms Neither the
court nor the press explained Avhen a
person ceased to be a traveler and be
came a boarder And we are left in ig
norance as to Avliy the innkeeper should
shrink from entertaining inoffensive
persons who pay with regularity
That gentle succulent bivalve the
oyster has furnished many a text for
lay sermons in the past and one would
think the subject had been exhausted
but an event Avhich took place recently
at Jacksonville Ohio recently calls for
further mention At this little village
a well knoAvn physician was quietly
eating his evening meal Avhich began
with a plateful of raw oysters Dr
Louis is in the habit of biting his oys
ters in two as he eats them and in do
ing so on the third tasty mouthful he
came down with four teeth at least
upon a round hard substance Avhich
on investigation proved to be a pearl
It not only proved to be this but as it
was discovered in that portion of the
oysters anatomy known as the stom
ach and as it had not been ruined by
the heat of cooking the monetary value
of the find was placed by an expert at
500 This is encouraging For a long
time bacteriologists those disagreeable
people who go about sizing up the num
ber of germ of bacilli in ones composi
tion and telling about it have asserted
all sorts of horrible things about the
oyster such as the fact that the ordin
ary restaurant brand contains between
44000 and SSS000 germs to the oyster
and Avhen a man takes a plate of half
a dozen he must masticate somewhere
between 264000 and over 2000000 of
bacilli but all this will end now If a
man can be reasonably sure of finding
a 500 pearl in a raw oyster in the in
terior of the State of Ohio he AVill
brave even that multitude of fierce ani
malculae and crunch their bones with
joy Germs what are they Avhen ev
ery ten million may bring tAvo big
pearls or more Why such a prospect
tempts one to go into oyster eating for
a living
A Success
Man of family That burglar alarm
is a grand success Avouldnt part with
it for a mint of money It went off at
1 oclock this morning
Dealer Eh Did you catch a burglar
trying to get in
No but it caught my daughters
young man trying to get out New
York Weekly
A boy never expresses the love he
feels for his mother and seldom feels
the love he expresses for other women
FLOOD VICTIMS AIDED
PRESIDENT MKINLEYS APPEAL
IS HEEDED
Bo Asks Congress to Act at Once in
the Matter of Belief and in a Very
Brief Time 200000 Is Appro
priated
Message from the President
President McKinley appealed to Con
gress Wednesday for relief for Southern
3ood sufferers and Congress was quick
o respond Here is the text of the mes
jage
information which has recently come to
ne from the governors of Arkansas MIbsIb
llppl and Louisiana and from prominent cit
izens of these States and Tennessee war
rants the conclusion that widespread dis
ress involving the destruction of a large
imount of property and loss of human life
sas resulted from the floods which have
Seen submerging that section of the coun
try These are stated on reliable authority
o be the most destructive floods that have
tver devastated the Mississippi Valley the
water being much higher than the highest
itage It has reached before From Marlon
irk north of Memphis to Greenville Miss
i distance of more than 250 miles by river
t Is reported there are now at least fifty
towns and villages under water and a ter
ritory extending from ten miles north of
Memphis to 200 miles south and from five to
orty miles wide is submerged Hundreds
f thousands of acres of cultivated soil with
growing crops are Included In the sub
merged territory In this section alone
mere are from 50000 to 60000 people whoso
property has been destroyed and whose busi
ness has been suspended Growing crops
jave been ruined thousands of cattle have
been drowned and the inhabitants of cer
tain areas threatened with starvation As
DRAPER DID THE DEEl
Confesses to the Murder of Charles 1
Hastings cit Jacksonville 111
Charles L Draper has made to his pas
tor Rev Dr Morey a complete confes
sion of the murder of Charles L Hastings
in the abstract oflice of Judge Kirby at
Jacksonville 111 March 31 He said that
he had been in the employ of Judge Kirby
for some time when Hastings came back
to the city without means and in despair
over losing his property Draper said he
interceded for Hastings with Judge Kir
by nnd secured him a position They
went to work together and from that time
the trouble began Draper claimed that
he had shown Hastings every kindness
only to be rebuffed He would do a great
amount of work preparing papers and
Hastings would label them with his
name and take the credit of preparing
them
The trouble culminated when Draper
pressed Hastings for a reason why he was
so cool and was answered with an oath
that -he wanted nothing more to do with
him An appeal to Judge Kirby had noe
effect and Draper resigned and then be
gan business for himself In order to get
through with his work he had to have
access to the books he had helped to pre
pare He had kept a key to the door
and decided to see if the combination on
the vault door had been changed and
found it had not He went there night
after night to take off the abstracts of
titles He was suspected and was shad
owed by a detective for over a month but
he held off until the detective went off
duty and a day or two after made his
last visit to the office Hastings unex
pectedly entered and Draper says at-
BATTLESHIP IOWA IS THE QUEEN OF AMERICAN WAR VESSELS
The battleship Iowa is the queen of th6 American navy By her grand work
Wednesday in her speed trial she proved herself to be the superior of the Indi
ana or Massachusetts Incidentally she earned a premium of 200000 for her
builders William Cramp Sons of Philadelphia by making an average of sev
enteen knots an hour over the regular Government course off the Massachusetts
coast in the four hours trial required by the Government under the contract
The Iowa just did it and that was all In fact so narrow was the margin that all
the reckoners had to carry out their figures to the fourth decimal point in order to
make the speed for the whole course average seventeen knots an hour
a great majority of the sufferers are small
farmers they have- been left entirely desti
tute and will be unprepared for work even
ifter the floods have subsided
The entire Mississippi Valley In Arkansas
Is flooded and communication with many
points cut off In Mississippi a like condi
tion exists The levees In Louisiana with
9 single exception have held but the water
is rising and the situation there Is reported
is being extremely critical
Under such circumstances the citizens of
these States look for the co operation and
support of the national government in re
lieving the pressing cases of destitution for
food clothing and shelter which are be
yond the reach of local efforts The authori
ties who have communicated with the Ex
ecutive recognize that their first and most
energetic duty is to provide so far as possi
ble the means of caring for their own citi
zens but nearly all of them agree in the
oulnion that after their resources have been
exhausted a sum aggregating at least 150
000 and possibly 200000 will be required
for immediate use
Precedents are not wanting that in such
emergencies as this Congress has taken
prompt generous and intelligent action in
volving the expenditure of considerable
sums of money with satisfactory results
In 1S74 590000 was appropriated and In
1SS2 350000 was also appropriated for re
lief in the same direction besides large sums
In other years
The citizens relief committee of Mem
phis which has taken prompt action has
already cared for from G000 to 7000 refu
gees from the flooded districts and they are
till arriving in that city in large numbers
daily Supplies and provisions have been
sent to the various points in Arkansas and
Mississippi by this committee but the most
that can be done by these efforts is to part
ly relieve the most acute cases of suffering
No action has yet been taken for the great
majority of the inhabitants living in the in-
tacked him and during the struggle which
followed he drew a knife and inflicted
the fatal stabs Draper says he has re
tained Gov Jolinson of St Louis and he
with Col Pat Dyer will make a stubborn
fight for the mans life
STORY OF THE WATERS
10000 Fqnare Miles Flooded and 200
Lives Lost
Ten thousand square miles of flooded
farm lands 200 livQs lost and 100000
000 worth of property destroyed This is
the record of the huge yellow monster
that coils its length like the slow spread
ing tentacle of an octopus from the Brit
ish line to the Mexican gulf It is the
record of the insatiate Mississippi Seven
States are wailing and wallowing and
floundering in the muddy torrent and
thousands of people have gone sailing
over their farms and into the flooded for
ests on logs on rafts on the roofs of
their houses On the small knolls that yet
rise above the deluged lands in Arkansas
Mississippi and Louisiana little groups
of half starved men are gathered with
their families and farm animals waiting
for the rescue that comes so slowly
And still the tide rises and swells and
widens and sings its long song of death
and disaster through the broken levees
and still the six foot snows of Minne
sota and the Dakotas melt and pour their
BREAK IN THE LEVEE BELOW MEMPHIS
tcrior whose condition has already been
described
Under these conditions and having fully
exerted themselves to the fullest extent the
local authorities have reluctantly confessed
their inability to further cope with this dis
tressing situation unaided by relief from
the Government
It has therefore seemed to me that the
representatives of the people should be
promptlv informed of the nature and extent
of the suffering and needs of these stricken
people and I have communicated these
facts in the hope and belief that the legisla
tive branch of the Government will prompt
ly re enforce the work of the local authori
ties in the States named
WILLIAM MKINLEY
A resolution was at once passed by the
House appropriating 200000 for the suf
ferers and the Senate giving it speedy
sanction the resolution was carried to the
White House where the President gladly
signed it
News of Minor Note
Gov Adams has signed the bill abol
ishing capital punishment in Colorado
Madrid is gaily decorated with flags in
honor of the victories of the Spanish
troops in the Philippine islands
William G FisHer a millionaire dry
goods merchant of Denver Colo died
at New York He was 53 years old
Henry Struive and two sons were
drowned on Gus Bulls farm six miles
south of Frankfort S D This makes
six deaths from drowning within two
weeks
vast volume into the already unprecedent
ed current Levees from St Louis to
Vicksburg are broken and destroyed Cre
vasses are everywhere Twenty thousand
men have fought night and day and are
still fighting the ronring waters In the
backwoods and isolated lowlands of Ar
kansas and Mississippi thousands of poor
settlers have been deluged and are cut
off from communication or rescue Thou
sands of farm animals have been drown
ed Culverts and bridges have been wash
ed away and railroad traffic impeded Re
lief is slow and inadequate and the end
is not yet
Amined Dowlen has been appointed
president of the Persian Council of Min
isters of the Interior with extensive pow
ers
Capt Sam G Cabell one of the old
Mississippi steamboat cantains nnd a
M J
prominent figure on that river during war
times aiea at Washington u u aged
S3 years He and one of his boats were
pressed intothe Confederate service by
Gen -Thompson early in the 60s and
passed through many thrilling adventures
C F Kleupfer who killed C R Dodge
and Alexander Borland at New Hope
Cal six weeks ago and who has since
been in the county jail at Stockton hang
ed himself in his cell with a handkerchief
tied to the grating of the window
aK rTra
W0EK OF CONGRESS
THE WEEKS DOINGS IN SENATE
AND HOUSE
A Comprehensive Digest of the Pro-
cccdings in the Legislative Cham
bers at Washington Matters that
Concern the People
Lawmakers at Labor
The Senate Monday by unanimous vote
adopted a resolution reciting the reports
that Gen Ruis Rivera the Cuban com
mander is about to be tried by drumhead
court martial and shot and expressing
the judgment of the Senate that if these
reports are true the President of the Uni
ted States should protest to the Spanish
Government against such a violation of
the rules of civilized warfare This res
olution was not sent to the House of
Representatives but became effective as
a measure of advice to the President by
its adoption After the disposal of the
Cuban question the day was given to
speeches Mr Elkins speaiing for two
hours on the development of the Ameri
can merchant marine and lr Lindsay
advocating the passage of the Torrey
bankruptcy bill A joint resolution was
agreed to directing the Surgeon General
of the Marine Hospital service to aid the
Mississippi River flood sufferers by the
distribution of tents blankets food and
medicine under the epidemic fund of 1893
and to purchase further supplies under
the present epidemic fund for distribu
tion
The Senate Tuesday was occupied by
discussion of Cuban affairs and the bank
ruptcy bill The President sent to the
Senate the following nominations Treas
ury Alonzo 7 Tyler of Tennessee to be
collector of internal revenue for the sec
ond district of Tennessee Park Agnew
of Virginia to be collector of internal rev
enue for the sixth district of Virginia
Navy Theodore Roosevelt of New York
to be assistant secretary of the navy
Captain A S Crowninshield United
States navy to be chief of the bureau of
navagation in the department of the navy
Rev William G Cassard of Maryland
to be chaplain in the navy Postmaster
William Barrett Ridgely at Springfield
The House acted promptly Wednesday
on the Presidents message and adopted
a joint resolution authorizing the Sec
retary of War to expend 200000 for the
relief of the flood sufferers of the Mis
sissippi Vallev Adjournment was takon
until Saturday Cuba and the flood suf
ferers divided attention in the Senate
The reading of the Presidents massage
urging Congressional relief for the devas
tated regions of the Mississippi River was
followed by the passage of a joint resolu
tion offered by Senator Jones of Arkansas
appropriating 150000 to be immediately
available for the flood sufferers It was
passed by the unanimous vote of the Sen
ate The plans were changed however
when the House resolution appropriating
200000 for the Mississippi River and
Red River of the North was received
This was accepted in lieu of the former
resolution and was missed unanimonslv
Mr Morgan of Alabama resumed his
speech in support of the resolution on de
claring that a state of war exists in Cuba
The Senate Thursday heard Mr Mor
gan of Alabama for the third successive
day on his resolution declaring that a
state of war exists in Cuba Mr Nelson
of Minnesota spoke for two hours on the
bankruptcy bill opposing the pending Tor
rey bill Mr Chandler offered a resolu
tion which was agreed to as follows
Resolved That the Committee on Inter
state Commerce be directed to investigate
the payments made or agreed to be made
by the interstate commerce commission
for attorneys fees and also to inquire
whether in any cases the attorneys of the
commission have also been employed by
railroad companies in similar cases and
further whether any additional authority
from Congress is required for the em
ployment of counsel in any pending pro
ceedings which have been instituted by
or on motion of the commission The
House gave no evidence of life
A LUCKY YOUNG MAN
Charles U Gordon Chicagos New
Postmaster
The resignation of Washington Hesing
postmaster of -Chicago made a vacancy
which President McKinley lost little time
in filling A young man got the plum
His name is Charles U Gordon and he
is not yet 32 years of age Since his 19th
CHARLES XT GOKDOX
year he has been engaged in real estate
business and has made money fast He
has been president of the Marquette Club
a social political organization with a great
influence in Republican affairs In last
falls campaign he was a leader for Mc
Kinley
Sparks from the Wires
Richard Dudley of Erie Pa and Cin
cinnati died in London
Marshall Russell Maria Snoden and
Maggie Short were drowned at Allens
ville Ky while out boat riding on a pond
Hugh Miller the firebug who was con
victed of arson twenty four hours after
his arrest at New York was sentenced to
twenty years imprisonment
Analien labor bill modeled on the ex
isting law in the United States and a
bill to amend the immigration laws have
been introduced in the Canadian parlia
ment
Levi Samuels has been appointed reW
ufacturers at New York in proceedings
for a dissolution of the firm The liabili
ties are placed at 70000 Assets consist
of outstanding accounts and stock
PSsfivts li JJ2T
9B
HOUSEKEEPING
A Phase of Modern City Life Whlcf
Will Amaze Many in the Country
The time is approaching when house
keeping as our grandmothers under
stood it will become a lost art says the
San Francisco Argonaut There was a
day when the model housewife spun
her own linen and dipped her own
candles Then she advanced to the
stage of a frivolous disregard of these
accomplishmehts and bought her lin
en and her candles but knit her chil
drens stockings and had a still room
full of jams and pickles of her own
making To day she would no more
make her pickles than she would un
dertake to build the bed she sleeps on
The craft of housekeeping which in
the eyes of our grandfathers was our
grandmothers most considerable at
traction is to day almost extinct
In the great cities things are so ar
ranged that it is possible to live com
fortably in your own apartment with
out any of the friction of household
management which has turned so
many heads white and ruffled the peace
of so many hearths In any city an
apartment of from three rooms up
can be hired for from twenty to two
hundred dollars a month This can be
made habitable by furniture jobbers at
twenty four hours notice The janitor
the lauudryman and the livery-stable-
keeper are at hand read to proffer
their services Each apartment house
has its own corps of these supernumer
aries who are Avilling for a eonsidead
tion to lighten the burden of the house
wife Close at hand if not in the build
ing itself is a cafe where good meals
are served at all hours When there
are few children in the family the cafe
is generally patronized If the house
hold consists of only Darby and Joan
and they happen to be young and act
ive they dispense with the services of
this convenient caterer make their own
breakfast in their rooms and go out
to different restaurants for lunch ami
dinner Those who wish to have the
privacy of home life at their meals
can find a waiting crowd of butchers
bakers and grocers who eagerly offer
price lists and pass books and will un
dertake to procure and serve whatever
may be desired if the objects of their
attentions will undertake to pay the
bills they send in Even that tough
est of housekeeping problems the servant-girl
question is reduced to its
smallest possible importance for in
such a style of living few servants are
needed In fact where the family is
small it is possible to dispense with
them entirely as the and elevator-boy
attend to the outside work
and an house cleaning association will
furnish a reliable charwoman as often
and as early as can be required
Altogether the modern woman is
haying things made as easy for her as
possible In ten years she will no
more think of dusting her own room
than of making her own shoes Even
that most unanswerable problem what
shall she do with her children is rap
idly solved There are now day jl
series for the children of workng -women
where a child is taken care
of for from ten to twenty cents a day
The time is at hand when institutions
of this kind well run and high priced
will be on every block superseding the
old nursery of the domestic regime
In all probability the child will be bet
ter cared for than it was when left to
the charge of an ignorant mother and
an Irish nurse girl Whether however
the arrangement will be satisfactory to
the mother herself is another side of
the matter It will take a good deal
of civilization to transfer the maternal
instinct from the individual to the
ace
Unchristian Names
It is curious how inconsistent are tne
prejudices of people in regard to the
use of heathen names Mr Iayn in
his Gleams of Memory tells an
amusing story of the late Dean Bur
gon who objected to the name of the
goddess of beauty but found no fault
with that of the god of the woods
An infant was brought to the church
for christening and the name proposed
for it was Vanus Vanus repeat
ed the dean I suppose you mean
Venus Do you imagine I am going to
call a Christian child by that y5fy
and least of all a male child
The father of the infant urged that
he only wished to name it after his
grandfather Your grandfather
cried the dean I dont believe it
Where is your grandfather He was
produced a poor old soul of eighty or
so bent double and certainly not look
ing in the least like the goddess in
question Do you mean to tell me
sir that any clergyman ever christened
you Vanus as you call it
Well no sir I was christened Syl
vanus but they always called me Va
nus
The Way of It
I heard your minister j esigned front
his charge Well no not edzacJy
How was it then Why you see
wed been resigned ter him as long as
we could stand it and we thought it
wuz time for him to reciprocate He
didnt resign We resigned him-
Washington Times
Fonnd His Calling
Editor-in-Chief to applicant for posi
tion on the Daily Distress Do yon
have fits
Applicant Alas yes
Editor All right you can commence
here Monday We want such a man as
you seem to be to edit our Cuban war
news Cleveland Leader
Literary Thrift
Of course we write light literature
And people really should expect it
We thua save postage in sending our stuff
Tothe publishers who reject it
Detroit Journal
Among some women a certain dis
tinction is given the woman who takes
a death so hard her physician forbids
her to attend the funeral
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