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JAMES INCHS DOWNFALL
JAMES INCH is one of the
MR staid and dignified citi
zens of Parlor City He never
drinks be never smokes and it is his
firm conviction that Hades is yawning
for every man woman and child that
plaj s cards He is a pillar of the local
Methodist Church has publicly de
nounced dancing as an invention of the
devil progressive euchre and pedro
parties as greased poles to the realm of
Satan and trolley parties as an even
more sinful diversion than any of the
other forms of amusement to which he
is opposed One might imagine from
this that Mr James Inch was an un
popular man in Parlor City Such
however is not the case The inhab
itants point him out to strangers as
their model citizen and cant say
enough in praise of him That is be
cause Mr Inch is a sterling business
man and so generous and charitable
that his fellow townsmen are willing
to overlook his radical views on things
in the amusement line
Mr Inch had an experience some
weeks ago that came pretty near
knocking down with one blow the
splendid reputation he has built up for
himself in Parlor City It was a most
unfortunate experience for Mr Inch
but it provided amusement for his fel
low citizens for days afterwards and
some of them are not through laughing
yet
One bright sunny morning early in
August Mr Inch boarded a train bound
for Parlor City at a small
way station some twenty miles
from his home He had gone
out there the night before on busi
ness had missed the last train back
and a night on a corn husk mattress in
the local tavern had ruffled him about
bs much as he had ever been ruffled in
his life Mr Inch had not been in the
train five minutes when he heard a
frightful racket in the car behind him
and on inquiring of the conductor what
it meant was told that both of the rear
cars were full of lunatics who were be
ing transferred from New York to the
State asylum on the hill back of Par
lor City
Theyre in charge of keepers all
right said the conductor but they
get excited every now and then and I
tell you the keepers have their hands
full Lor but they do curse
Do you suppose I could go look at
them asked Mr Inch who immedi
ately made up his mind that it was his
duty as a Christian man to go and
6peak a few words of admonition to
these jnen
Dunno was the conductors laconic
response Youll have to ask the
keepers
Mr Inch rose from his seat and start
ed back He decided that he would not
ask permission to do what was his
plain duty He felt that the keepers
would refuse him admission to the car
so he made up his mind to slide in un
observed take a seat and watch his
chance to distribute advice to the un
fortunate It was not a difficult piece
of work as the keepers were pretty
busy when Mr Inch opened the door
and walked in and they didnt notice
him at all He gradually worked his
way to the middle of the car unnoticed
in the howling crowd of wild eyed men
and ensconced himself in a seat beside
a red headed individual who was
swinging his arms round in most reck
less fashion and singing in a shrill
voice
This is my story this is my song
Praising the Savior all the day long
Over and over again the man sang
the couplet sandwiching it with string
of oaths which sent chills chasing each
other up and down Mr Inchs spinal
column He attempted to talk with
the man but he might aswell have
tried to converse with a log of wood
Others with whom he started conversa
tions looked at him so blankly that he
60on realized it was a hopeless task
and settling down in his seat he re
solved to say no more
When we get to Parlor City he
figured to himself Ill just wait until
they get this crew out of the car and
then Ill go out myself and go home
Mr Inchs resolution was the result
of a little speculation as to what would
happen to him if the keepers discov
ered that he had entered the car and
mingled with this crew of violent and
Irresponsible men
At the station in Parlor City on the
same morning that Mr Inch boarded
the train twenty miles away stood fif
teen keepers from the State asylum
waiting for the consignment of luna
tics from Iew York With them was
young Dr Blank on whose shoulders
rested the responsibility for the safe
transportation of the lunatics from
the station to the asylum Dr Blank
was worried It was the first expedi
tion of this kind he had commanded
and he was mightily afraid that some
thing would go wrong Only a month
before he had received his appointment
to the asylum and escape or revolt due
to lack of proper precautions would he
knew mean the loss of his place He
was relieved when the train rolled in
and a keeper jumped from the steps ot
a car touched his hat and announced
that all was well
A hundred altogether I believe
the doctor remarked
Yes sir fifty in each car said the
ikeeper
Well march them out as soon as
you can said Dr Blank and he
hauled out a notebook and prepared to
check off the men as they were hand
ed over to his keepers
They took the last car first and Dr
Blank drew a deep breath of relief
when the fiftieth man stepped to the
platform
Now for the other car he said
cheerily and the keepers commenced
to Hustle the unfortunates out
Mr Inch crouched low in his seat and
was passed by Mr Blank notebook in
hand sang out Forty nine just as
the keeper escorted a man to the plat
form and called Thats all
There must be another said the
doctor nervously
You counted wrong said the keep
er
No Im sure Im right but Ill count
them again said Dr Blank and he
did so with the result that his first fig
uring was correct
One man was missing There could
be no doubt about that The car had
only yielded forty nine men
Search the car called out the doc
tor and the keeper proceeded to do so
The first man he encountered was Mr
Inch who having made up his mind
that sufficient time had elapsed to ren
der it safe for him to leave the car had
risen and was making for the door
Hello exclaimed the keeper how
did you get here
I just walked in from the other
car replied Mr Inch with dignity
Didnt see a man hide himself
around this car anywhere did you
Now it happened that some minutes
before the train reached Parlor City
the red headed man who sat next to
Mr Inch had slid to the floor and cud
dled himself up under the seat Mr
Inch had seen him do it and had mar
veled at the mans ability to stay in one
position so long To tell of this inci
dent however was to admit that he had
been in the car for some time which
would scarcely do so he simply said in
a tone of mild astonsihment
See a man hide himself How ridic
ulous and the keeper impressed by
his tone passed by and started search
ing at the upper end of the car
Mr Inch continued toward the door
reached the platform and stepped
slowly down Mr Inchs personal ap
pearance was not what it usually was
A night in a country hotel with neither
hair brush nor comb in the morning
showed on him Contact with the
elbow of a lunatic behind him had put
a most disreputable looking dent in his
derby His appearance was altogether
bad enough to justify Dr Blanks ex
clamation of
Ah here he is This way my
friend which he made when he saw
Mr Inch descending to the platform
Mr Inch heard the remark but paid
no attention to it Instead of obeying
he quickened his pace toward the other
end of the platform but before he had
gone a dozen yards Dr Blank was
alongside
This way my friend said Dr
Blank swinging Mr Inch around by
the arm
What do you mean sir said Mr
Inch
Keep quiet now keep very quiet
said the doctor soothingly Itll be
all right if you keep quiet
Why should I keep quiet when a
loafer grabs me by the arm and swings
me around as though I were a log of
wood cried Mr Inch indignantly
Get back into line said Dr Blank
Get back into line and lets end this
nonsense and he grabbed Mr Inch
by the collar and proceeded to drag
him down the platform
Mr Inch lost his temper then and
swung his right around toward his
captors jaw with vicious violence
The blow landed and so did a second
and third sent in with equal precision
Dr Blank hung on though slightly
dazed He couldnt hit the man back
There is a State rule forbidding keep
ers or doctors to strike an insane per
son no matter what the provocation
The doctors have but one mode of de
fense It is the hypodermic injection
and each doctor carries a syringe load
ed with a special preparation which
will take all the life out of a man in
five minutes cause him to sleep for
several hours and bring him around
after his slumber in a decidedly weak
mental condition
While Dr Inch was banging Dr
Blank on the nose and jaw the doc
tor was maneuvering with his free
hand for his syringe While the strug
gle went on the keepers kept their eyes
on the other insane men They couldnt
leave them to go to the doctors assist
ance The struggle was apt to excite
them and a general outbreak was to be
prevented above all things
Dr Blank was was getting played out
when he managed to reach his syringe
haul it out and jab it into Mr Inchs
neck The effect of the injection was
instantaneous
Im stabbed yelled Mr Inch slap
ping both hands to his neck and drop
ping
Im d n glad of it remarked Dr
Blank Youre the toughest one I ever
tackled and he motioned to a keeper
who was coming toward him on a run
to come faster
Weve found the other man said
the keeper when he came up
Of course we have said the doc
tor with sarcastic emphasis on th
we
He was under a seat in the car
went on the keeper Youve made a
bad break here he went on in a low
tone Come up here and leta get
away
Great Scott roared the doctor
isnt this one of our men
No said the keeper Hes a
zen who wandered into the car
Lets cut this quick said the doc
tor Tell the boys to march around to
the north of the depot and Ill join you
there and away went the doctor in
one direction while the keeper went
down the platform
So much interest had been manifest
ed in the crowd of insane men that few
people on the platform had noticed the
struggle between Dr Blank and Mr
Inch The few who had seen it went
away when the insane men were
marched off and so a little later when
a station hand came across the re
spectable Mr Inch asleep in a pile of
freight his clothes torn and dirty his
hat ripped through the middle and
minus his collar and necktie he threw
up his hands in astonishment He
called other station hands and the
men in the baggage room came too
and their eyes nearly popped out of
their heads at the sight of James Inch
Parlor Citys respectable citizen in so
deplorable a condition They were a
heartless crowd those station men for
they called a policeman and the police
man hauled Mr Inch out of the freight
and started dragging him toward the
station Mr Inch the meanwhile sleep
ing innocently on Half way to the sta
tion the policeman gave out and Mr
Inch was allowed to take a short doze
on the sidewalk pending the arrival of
help
It happened to be on the main street
of Parlor City that the policeman left
his prisoner and as the afternoon was
as bright and sunny as the morning had
been the inhabitants were out in great
numbers Any attempt to record here
the comments of the- people on Mr
Inch and his condition would be futile
Suffice it to say that the downfall of
James Inch the model citizen of Par
lor City the pillar of the church and
the greatest philanthropist in the coun
try was known for miles that night
And the next day there was more to
talk about Mr Inch slept for five
hours at the station house and then
went home and refusing to recognize
his wife proceeded to destroy the fam
ily china He hurled plates around un
til he was tired then smashed win
dows and mirrors with a poker for a
time He went to bed after hacking at
some furniture with a carving knife
and the next morning woke up with
out the slightest recollection of what
had happened He recalled the strug
gle at the station but that was all His
wife pretended to believe the story of
his having been stabbed in the neck
but she didnt at all
For several days the cold glances of
former friends and acquaintances an
noyed him They all said Yes yes
when he told of his remarkable tem
porary aberration but he could see that
they did not believe him Nevertheless
the truth came out in time and Mr
Inch of Parlor City is as respected and
honored as he ever was Dr Blank
made a statement in the local paper of
the matter over his signature and that
more than anything else exonerated
Mr Inch As for the doctor he was
suspended but at Mr Inchs earnest
solicitation the superintendent restored
him to duty and he and his victim are
now the best of friends The doctor
doesnt carry his hypodermic syringe
except in the asylum wards now and
he has declared that hell never take
it out of the building again New
York Sun
Where Men Jbail as Lovers
It is a question with me writes
Lilian Bell in Ladies Home Journal
whether a woman ever knows all
the joys of love making who has one
of those dumb silent husbands who
doubtless adores her but is able to ex
press it only in deeds It requires an
act of the will to remember that his
getting down town at 7 oclock every
morning is all done for you when he
hasnt been able to tell you in words
that he loves you It is hard to get a
letter telling about the weather and
how busy he is when the same amount
of space saying that he got to think
ing about you yesterday when he saw
a girl on the street who looked like
you only she didnt carry herself so
well as you do and that he loves you
good by would have fairly made your
heart turn over with joy and made
you kiss the hurried lines and thrust
the letter in your belt where you could
crackle it now and then just to make
sure it was there Nearly all pice
men make good lovers in deeds A
great many fail at some important
crisis in the handling of words
But the last test of all and to my
mind the greatest is in the use of
words as a balm Few people be
they men or women be they only
friends lovers or married can help
occasionally hurting each others feel
ings Accidents are continually hap
pening even when peopxe are good
tempered And for quick or evil tem
pered ones there is but one remedy
the handsome honest apology The
most perfect lover is the one who best
understands how and when to apol
ogize
She Knew
Do you know said the Sunday
school visitor to the little children
what hell is like
Papa says replied little Susie
Brownbread mammas bill for new
tires is something like it Buffalo Ex
press
The Benefit
Algernon For a long time I was in
doubt whether to kiss Miss Maude on
not
Alfred Well what did you do
Algernon Gave her the benefit of
the doubt Washington Times
THE BOOMING CANNON
RECITALS OF CAMP AND BAT
TLE INCIDENTS
Survivors of the Rebellion Relate
Many Amusing and Startling Inci
dents of Marches Camp Life Forag
ing Experiences and Battle Scenes
Hoaea Brown Oldest Soldier
Hosea Brown of Grants Pass Ore
gon is one of the six survivors of the
war of 1812 When Mr Brown was
born the French revolution was at its
height and the United States was a
mere baby of a republic He is a na
tive of Westmoreland Cheshire Coun
ty in New Hampshire and is just 105
years old His father fought in the
revolutionary war and was wounded in
one of the early engagements near Bos
ton Hosea is one of thirteen children
and the family is noted for its lon
gevity One of his brothers lived to be
90 and another to be 93 years old A
century ago the people of this country
had not the same facilities for educa
tion they are now blessed with and
young Brown had to be content with
what learning he could get in an or
dinary log schoolhouse of the early
miSlfS vim Wtfml llllwllfw
HOSEA BKOIVX
times Three months of the winter he
attended school and the other seasons
of the year he spent on the farm When
he reached the age of 20 his father gave
him a little money and Hosea went to
Jsew York and worked on a farm in
that State for 12 a month
About this time the United States en
tered upon its second war with Eng
land and joung Brown became a pri
vate in the company of Captain Bur
giss New York Volunteers and march
ed to the defense of Sacketts Harbor
Lake Ontario When the enemys boats
began to come into view one of the
American commanders who had spok
en of eating the British at sight talked
ess valiantly and as he sawT the ships
coming at him in a swarm he doubted
the ability of the American force to
withstand the red coats ne said he
thought it would be advisable to re
treat As the boats approached the
shore this militiaman said to his sol
iliers I know we shall have to re
treat and as I am a little lame Ill start
now And away he went The United
States commander Brown by name
too was ashamed of his compatriot
and tried to stop the cowards but
could not The command to which
Hosea Brown belonged refused to run
with its friends and stood its ground
unflinchingly The battle was against
such odds however that a retreat was
necessary- The United States generals
pent word to the flying militiamen that
the enemy had been repulsed This lit
tle trick had the desired effect and
back came the boys who redeemed their
lost honor by converting almost certain
disaster into a glorious victory
When his term of service expired
young Brown returned to his old home
At the age of 24 years he married Miss
Hester Smith who bore him two boys
and three girls In 1823 he went to
Cataraugus County New York and
with no money made his real start in
life He built a cabin for himself
working upon it at night and earning a
few cents by thrashing grain for his
neighbors during the day In this place
he lived forty years and in that time
lost by death his entire family In
1S57 he went to Missouri sold out his
property in New York and for a time
stopped in Worth County Tiring of
living alone he finally removed to the
home of his grandson Orr Brown with
whom he now resides
Notwithstanding his great age Mr
Brown retains all his faculties His
head is clear his memory good and his
nerves steady But he has not walked
for three years He lives in a comfort
able chair and cordially receives the
visitors who call to see the old soldier
of the war of 1S12
Under the original pension law Mr
Brown received 8 a month This pen
sion was increased ten years ago to 12
and in 1S91 Mr Brown was granted a
special pension of 40 a month Last
vear in consideration of his extreme
age his stipend was further Increased
to S50 a month Me xs the oldest sol
dier receiving a pension and the clerks
in the office take a special pleasure in
preparing his voucher and remitting
the money before any other old soldier
is paid
During the past year a most remark
able change has come to him For
fifty years his hair thick and soft has
been perfectly gray Six months ago
it began to turn black and now there
is not a gray hair in his head
Leathery Pies
President Lincoln who greatly enjoy
ed stories about the humorous pranks
of soldiers once told Mr Noah Brooks
the following
At the close of a severe engagement
a soldier badly wounded was being
carried to the rear when he espied a
sutler woman hawking some very
tough looking pies
I say old lady--called the soldier
who may have come from a MassachuJ
setts shoe town are those pies sew
ed or pegged
Happy with Her Rainbows
I warm up my little den with orignt
little pictures and rainbow glories from
prisms suspended in the wiadows I
am amused twenty times a day with
their fantastic variations Snnetimes
the portrait of Charles Sumner is trans
figured by the splendid light and some
times the ears of my little white kitten
in the picture opposite are all aglow
The moss on a stick of wood in the cor
ner suddenly becomes iridescent and
then the ashes on the hearth look like
glittering soil where the metallic
gnomes live I am childish enough to
find pleasure in all this and to talk
aloud to the picture of a baby that is
being washed But you must not infer
from this that I live for amusement
On the contrary I work like a beaver
the whole time
Thus cheerily wrote Lydia Maria
Child to a friend during the second year
of the war and she followed her little
burst of enthusiasm for her rainbows
by an enumeration of recent labors in
behalf of soldiers hospitals and con
trabands such as may well have kept
her busy as a bee or a beaver
Long after the war was ended and the
slaves set free Mrs Child then living
alone in Boston received a call from
her old friend Mrs Fields who
brought with her Elizabeth Stuart
Phelps In a recent chapter of hert
reminiscences Mrs Phelps Ward gives
a touching account of this visit
We climbed the steep stairs of the
boarding house thoughtfully Each one
of them meant some generous check
which Mrs Child had drawn for the
benefit of something or somebody
choosing this restricted ui a as the price
of her beneficence
She received us in a little sitting
room which seemed to me dreariness
personified Everything was neat re
spectable and orderly but the paucity
of the interior contrasted sadly with
the rich nature of its occupant I par
ticularly remember the tint of the car
peta lifeless brewn The room was so
devoid of color as to seem like a cell
and the winter day had been a dark
one
As we sat talking the sun battled
through the clouds and then we saw
that Mrs Child had the afternoon side
of her boarding house and knew how to
make the most of it She rose quickly
and taking a little prism which she evl
dentlp treasured hung it in the window
so that it caught the southwestern ray
Instantly the colorless room leaped
with rainbows The sweet old lady
stood smiling in the midst of them She
directed them this way and that and
threw them all over the empty spaces
and plain furniture She had I thought
a little in her mind the consciousness
o my companions own beautiful li
brary and richly endowed life It
was as if she said You see I have not
much to offer but I give you my best
The visitors drew on the lovely old
lady to talk of her anti slavery experi
ences and among other questions Mrs
Phelps Ward asked her how in assist
ing fugitive slaves she was able to
guard against fraud to know just
whom she might safely trust and help
Oh she replied there was a pass
word Jt carried any escaping skive
through the underground railway to
safety Sometimes it was written on
a slip of torn soiled paper Sometimes
it was only whispered for dear lifes
sake But any colored person who
came to us with that password was re
ceived and passed on without a ques
tion It carried him anywhere and
gave him every chance that we could
command
She paused and looked at the rain
bows in the lodging house window
dreamily Her heart had gone far
back
What was the password we ven
tured to urge
1 was a stranger and ye took me
in softly said the old abolitionist
So impressed was Mrs Phelps Ward
with the bare walls and the beauty-loving
soul of the dedicated woman who
lived there so poorly yet so richly
through her own noble choice that she
has always kept a prism hanging in her
own study windows in memory of that
of Mrs Child It did me good she
says and I do not want to forget it
It was a beautiful and strange coin
cidence that when Lydia Maria Child
was borne to her rest in the late after
noon of an October day just as her
body was lowered into the grave a
glorious double rainbow appeared in
the heavens and remained spanning
the burial ground with Its arch of glow
ing beauty as the funeral train turned
homeward from the place
Brave Boy
Sidney Wright of Sand Lake is one
of the bravest men in Michigan At
Petersburg Va July 30 1864 although
a mere boy he pushed forward in the
storm of bullets and won a gold medal
for personal bravery
July 31 1896 thirty two years after
the act was performed the War De
partment wrote him a letter forward
ing him a gold medal suitably en
graved
In a foot note the commandant of the
division at the time says This boy not
alone showed great personal bravery
in going In with his comrades but when
they fell back he still remained refus
ing for a time to retreat and only did
so in the face of the enemy and amid
a perfect storm of shell and bullets
Mr Wright who is a small man and
does not look his age attended the re
cent brigade reunion in Jackson He is
very modest It will be worth some
thing to my relations to look at 100
years or so from now he said He
was a member of Company E First
Michigan Sharpshooters
Meat is much but manner ts more
LAUGHTER A GREAT TONIC
Keeps the Fpirits Buoyant the Heart
and Fare
I presume if vie laughed more we
should all be happier and healthier
writes Edward W Bok in the Ladies
Home Journal True we are a busy
and a very practical people And
most of us probably find more in this
life to bring the frown than the smile
But nevertheless it is a pity that we
fin nrt 7nnrli mnra rrn i vt
bring ourselves to the laugh if need
be For we all agree that a good
laugh is the best medicine in the
world Physicians have said that no
other feeling works so much good to
the entire human body as that of mer
rirneiSt As a digestive it is unex
celled as a means of expanding the
lungs there is nothing better It keeps
the heart and face young It is the
best of all tonics to the spirits If lsr
too the most enjoyable of all sensa
tions A good laugh makes us better
friends with ourselves and everybody
around us and puts us into closer
touch with what is best and brightest
in our lot in life It is to be regretted
then that such a potent agency for
our personal good is not more often
used It costs nothing All other med
icines are more or less expensive
Why said an old doctor not long ago
if people fully realized what it meant
to themselves to laugh and laughed
as they should ninety per cent of the
doctors womu have to go out of busi
ness Frobably when we get a little
less busy we shall laugh more For
after all the difference between gloom
and laughter is but a step And if
more of us simply took a step aside
oftener than we do and rested more
we would laugh more By laughing I
do not mean the silly giggle indulged
in by some women and so many girls
There is no outward mark which dem
onstrates the woman of shallow mind
so unmistakably as that of giggling
There is no sense in the giggle no ben
efit to be derived from it It makes
a fool of the person herself and ren
ders every one about her uncomfort
able But just as Eieele is the
outcome of a small mind the hearty
laugh is the reflection of a healthful
nature What we want is more good
laughers in the world not more gig
glers
Story cf a Dog
In the fiush days of steam boating
before the war the captain of a Mis
sissippi river boat had a dog that
could distinguish between the passen
gers if once he had heard their names
The matter was mentioned one night
in the saloon and a passenger sneer
ed at the idea
Bet you five hundred dollars the
dog cant do it once in three times
he said
Done rejoined the captain Write
a note to your wife and I will write
one to mine Both are in the ladies
cabin We will give the notes to Snip
at the same time and if he fails to
deliver them properly the money is
yours
The passenger wrote merely his
wifes petname inside aslip of paper
which he folded and addressed The
captains missive ran
Dear Wife Send me word at oncer
what Snip does when he comes into
the cabin
He delivered both slips to the dog
saying as he handed over the passen
gers note
Snip this is for Mrs M who sat
beside me at supper Give it to her
then take this other note to your Miss
Catherine
Snip ran away The men sat smok
ing and chatting Very soon a waiter
brought a scrap of paper to the pas
senger His wife had written
What does it mean your sending
me a note by this little dog
Shortly after came this note from
the captains wife
Snip came in and ran about sniffing
at all of us then jumped in Mrs
M s lap dropped a bit of paper
there and came to me with the other
one
The passenger offered one thousand
dollars for Snip saying luck would
not go against him if he owned so wise
a beast But the captain would not
part with Snip who lived and died a
river dog
John P Hales Pleasantries
In speaking of the Mexican war
Hale referred to the Western man
who said he got caught by opposing
the last war and he didnt mean to
get caught again he intended now to
go for war pestilence and famine
Not less amusing was his reference
to President Polks backdown on the
Oregon treaty in which he said The
President exhibited a Christian meek
ness in the full scriptural degree but
he didnt inherit the blessing of the
meek he didnt get the land The
Congressional records abound in such
examples of Mr Hales pleasantries
They always embodied some truth
which could thus be more imperssive
ly told than in the form of a serious
argument Century
A Remarkable Echo
One of the most remarkable echoes
in the world is that produced by the
suspension bridge across the Menai
straits in Wales The sound of a blow
with a hammer on one of the main
piers is returned in succession from
each of the cross beams which sup
port the roadway in addition to which
the sound is many times repeated be
tween the water and the roadway at
the rate of twenty eight times in five
seconds
Hendricks Say if we cant get this
crowd in front of us out of the way we
are going to miss our train What
shall we do Carr I have it Lets
start a discussion on the coinage ques
tion Cincinnati Enquirer
The trouble with making a confidante
of a friend is that yon do not dare to b
anything else but a friend uf terward
1
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