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About The McCook tribune. (McCook, Neb.) 1886-1936 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 27, 1907)
f r tMiwlinn fr11Jr IW H18 liUJJIVVUaOMMV aggV f SESSS f OUR PRESIDENTS EQUALITY -All men are equal in Gods sight There is no black and there is no white There is no high and there is no low There is no friend and there is no foe And earthly passion and earthly pride The glance of the Godhead cannot abide The petty distinctions of rank and caste Are shriveled and shrunk in the furnace blast Of Gods great love when the angel Death Has stilled the heartbeats and stopped the breath And the gates of lioavcn as wide do swing ITor lowliest peasant as lordliest king And the fires of hell burn just as bright Fdr the rich or poor for the black or white J C Brennan A Place For Jeremiah A prosy preacher gave a lengthy dis course on the prophets First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets At last he finished them and the congre gation gave a sigh of relief ne took a long breath and continued Now I rshall proceed to the major prophets After the major prophets had receiv ed more than ajnplo attention the con gregation gave another sigh of relief Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the major prophets what about Jeremiah Where is Jere miahs place A tall man arose in the back of the church Jeremiah can have my place he said Im going home A Desperate Case A husband came home one evening to find a note left for him by his wife Carelessly ho opened it but as he read Tiis face blanched My God he ex claimed How could this have hap pened so suddenly And snatching his hat and coat he rushed to a hos pital which was near his home I want to see my wife Mrs Brown at once he said to the head nurse before she goes under the ether Please take my message to her at once Mrs Browu echoed the nurse There is no Mrs Brown here Then to which hospital has she gone asked the distracted husband I found this note from her when I -came home and he handed the note to the nurse who read Dear Husband I have gone to have my kimono cut out BELLE Ladies Ilorae Journal A Frank Advertiser An English daily had the following advertisement Wanted A gentle man to undertake the sale of a patent medicine The advertiser guarantees it will be profitable to the undertaker The Best Man Pat was invited to a wedding He arrived at the house and was shown upstairs to the gentlemens dressing room The guests assembled below were startled by bearing a commotion above Rushing into the hall they were star tled to behold Pat come tumbling head tflrst down the stairs completely dis heveled Why Pat whats the matter asked the host Shure and I wlnt upstairs and whin I wint Inter the room I seed a swell uiiiiLdjandxJsvil awliite JOHN TYLER The tenth president of the United States was born at Greenway Va In 1790 He was elected vice president in 1840 as a Whig and succeeded to the presidency at the deatli of William Henry Harrison April 4 1841 During Tils administration President Tyler was repudiated by his party because of various disagreements The annexation of Texas took place while he was president In 1SG1 ex President Tyler espoused the Confederate cause He was a member of the Confederate house of representatives when he died at lUchniond Jan 18 1S02 - The Scrap Book -A Rcomcr In the Air Reporter I understand that one of your guests committed suicide last night by hanging himself out of a third story window Lodging House Keeper Well there was such a roomer in the air for siwhile Town Topics mum in his buttonhole and kid gloves on his hands an I sez to in Whos you Shure he sez an Im the best man and begorry he is A Maker of History The late General Shafter said a soldier had a contempt for military posers They who flourished stumps and limps like medals got no sympa thy from him I once heard him ridi cule military posers He said there was a general of volunteers who got his leg scratched on a caisson wheel in a retreat and forever after nursed and gloried the trifling wound grow ing lamer and lamer as the years passed iu order that his bravery might never be forgotten One day a young man calling on the generals daugh ter met the old warrior I see youre lame sir said the joung man Yes said the general pompously I am lame Slip on the ice No sir said the general with a frown Not an automobile mixup I hope No sir it was not an automobile mixup The general spoke ferociously Sleigh overturn sir The general rose He set his lame leg tenderly on the floor Frowning back savagely from the threshold he shouted Go read the history of your country you young puppy Minne apolis Journal A Clever Animal Mayor Tom L Johnson of Cleveland has been pluckily lighting a law in fringing street railway He tore up some of the railways tracks an in junction was served against him and then he in his turn secured another in junction We are like the old lady and the dog with our injunctions and man damuses and what not said Mayor Johnson the other day There was you know an old lady who rented a furnished villa for the summer and with the villa a large dog also went In the sitting room of the villa there was a comfortable armchair The old lady liked this chair better than any other in the houre She al ways made tov it the hrst thing But alas she nearly always found the chair occupied by the large dog Being afraid of the dog she never dared bid it harshly to get out of the chair as she feared tint it might bite her but instead she would go to the window and call cat Then the dog would ruh to the window and bark and the old lady would slip into the vacant chair quietly One day the dog v tered the room and found the old lady in possession of the chair He strolle 1 over to the win dow and looking out much excited and set up a tremendous bark- ing The old lady rose and hastened to the window to see what was the mat ter and the dog quieIy climbed into the chair Sauce For the Gander When a lady in nn Francisco en gaged a Chinese cooi she asked him his name My name said the Chi naman is Wang ILrjg Ho Oh I cant remember all that sai 1 the lady I will call you John What your namee asked John My name is Mrs Melville Landon Chinaman he no savey Mrs Memhul London I call you Tommy Enjoyed Being a NaLcK At a town meeting 1 Pierce of Harvard was cho m t present the views of the ors on a Question of discuss Pierce had made Ills speech a townsman spoke In opposition expressing the hope that the town need not be dictat ed to by those nabobs of Harvard col lege T When the meeting broke up everj body asked Pierce why he did not re ply to the man Why did you not hear what he called us He said we were nabobs I so enjoyed sitting up there ancL seeing all that crowd look up to me as a nabob that I could not say one word against the fellow A Devotional Turn of Mind As the new minister of the village was on his way to evening service he met a rising joung man of the place whom he was anxious to have become an active member of the church Good evening my young friend he said solemnly Do you ever attend a place of worship Yes indeed sir regularly every Sunday night replied the young fel low with a smile Im on my way to see her now A Clever Pastor A congregation in Connecticut had lost their pastor Their last minister had been self taught and the deacons stipulated that the new minister should have a classical education They agreed to let applicants preach a sermon on trial A Welshman asked for a trial and on the appointed day the candidate mounted into th pulpit He got well on in his sernioi hen he suddenly recollected that I was ex pected to show his learning My friends he said 1 will now quote you a passage in Greek With a solemn look he repealed a verse in his native tongue Approving nods and smiles were exchanged among the deacons Thus encouraged he followed up his advantage by say ing Perhaps you would like to hear it in Latin He then repeated another passage in Welsh This was even more success ful than before Unfortunately there was also a Welshman in the congregation Ho sat at the back and almost choked in his efforts to stifle his laughter The ministers eye fell on him and he took in the situation at a glance I will also repeat it In Hebrew He then sang out in his broadest Welsh My dear fellow stop laughing or they will find it out The other understood stifled his laughter and afterward dined with his successful countryman She Said It A visitor of noble birth was expect ed to arrive at a large country house in the north of England and the daughter of the house aged seven was receiving final instructions from her mother And now dear she said when the duke speaks to you do not forget always to say your grace Presently the great man arrived and after greeting his host and hostess he said to the child Well my dear and what is your name The little girl solemnly closed her eyes and with clasped hands ex claimed For what we are about to re ceive may we be truly fankful Amen Angelos Family Solitude had many charms for Michael Angelo Retired completely from the world he formed those sublime con ceptions which astonish mankind in his sculpture and painting He said Painting is a very jealous lady who endures no rival to share my affec tions He was asked why he did not marry He said Painting is my wife and my works are my children An Old Youngster Senator Pettus of Alabama saw a decrepit old man trying to cross Penn sylvania avenue in Washington and went to his assistance The old fel low accepted his help gladly and when convoyed safely across turned to Mr Pettus Sir he quavered with old fash ioned courtesy I thank you and hope that when you get to be as old as I am you may find some one such as you are now to help you across the avenues of life How old are you asked the sena tor Sixty six My friend said Mr Pettus smiling ly I am eighty two 3wsets and the Disposition Nothing could be said in greater praise of a people than that they like sweets It shows a wholesome vigor ous healthful condition an appetite not jaded from excessive indulgence The child whose appetite has not be come polluted or calloused by false relishes smarting sauces and burning drinks loves sweets so does the girl of bright eyes and untainted youth as Is evidenced by her fondness for ice creams and desserts The young ath lete among men loves sweets nearly as well as does the child But the bar room lounger the cigarette fiend the dope fiend and the depraved of all other classes do not like sweets Long ago their minds and appetites lost the desire for everything pleasing to the natural palate What to Eat Hairbrushes An experienced hand will by touch tell if a broom or brush be all hair or a mixture but if ever in douht pull out or cut off a suspicious hair and apply a match However well doctor ed the deception will be shown at once Hairs will burn rolling up ball like with the well known smell of hurned hair while a vegetable substi tute will consume leaving the charred portion like a burned match A Good Guess Mother Mercy child how do you get your hands so dirty You never saw mine as dirty as that Child No but 1 guess grandma did Philadelphia In qulrer W4WW2WttWWlJV3 T JOHH SILVKP WTIiMAlIS in Mississippi He developed into a keen business man in the management of his plantation He was planter and lawyer and meanwhile he was also learning something about the profes sion of politics In ISUIJ he was sworn in as a member of the houe of repre sentatives and in IIOi his Democratic colleagues chose him as the leader of Tommy Identified made himself the hero of a their side of the house He is known j He found it They read one thing aft- for his level headedness and good hu mor His friendships often cross party lines and there are few Democrats so popular as he on the Republican side Congressman Williams was once sub mitting to ail interview and was asked about his library at his home in Ya zoo for everybody knows that he is an omnivorous reader I started said he with what the Yankees left of my fathers and grand fathers libraries and Ive been adding a book at a time ever since When I get lazy those long summer mornings in Mississippi I go in there and flop into my big chair by the window and find an3 kind of a book from comedy to tragedy and back again right with in reach of my arm er another until in the midst of the Night Before Christmas Tommy gave a whoop of glee Aunt Ethel was read ing He rushed to the window and uirew up me sasu i Thats it Thats it cried Tommy You see its just as I told you A Dutch Ironclad It is of interest to note that accord ing to some authorities the Dutch j were the first in the modern period of history to build an ironclad and that during the siege of Antwerp by the Spaniards in 11S5 the people of thit city built an enormous Hat bottomed vessel armored it with heavy iron plates and thus constructed what they i A And what kind do you generally j regarded as an impregnable battery reach for Well if one of my seven children or my wife or my mother-in-law or one of my six nieces has been very ob streperous I make a haul for Bill Nye or somebody who can make me laugh The Mississippi statesman was once engaged In a debate In which refer ence was made to the sugar tariff Down In Texas way back yonder in the Lone Star States early days said the congressman some English noblemen went to visit a rancher There were no hotels then and the clubs of the state were In prairie bar- This they named Finis Belli Fn for tunately the vessel got aground Ixifore coming into action and fell into the hands of the enemy It was held by Alexander of Parma to the end of the i siege as a curiosity but was never em ployed by either side in any action A Handy Measure If you have a pint jug and wNh to measure oil half a pint with tolerable accuracy it fe useless to try and do so by guessing when the jug is half full J A better way is to tilt the jug until i the contents just reach to the upper I I t V m I 4h 4lk St llAt 4 v tVt Mt h k 1 rooms rue ranenman wisnea to mi- t mi ui uuuum jl fsi i jmu i press a neighboring saloon keeper with Jt touch the lip at the lower end of i the importance of his visitors All j the mouth In this way the space in j were lined up before the bar I the pint jug is practically cut into two My lord I believe you are a mar- j equal portions each half representing quis In your own country asked the the space taken by half a pint Lou- host of one of his guests to impress don orapuic the saloon man Yes replied the man addressed And my lord addressing another you are an earl at home Yes Then he said Jim these are mar quises and earls What do you think of them And Jim said Oh Jump into the river There aint but two classes ofj men in this place One Is them that takes sugar iu thelrn and the other Is them that aint so particular Man Is Wiser Gerryman at the mirror Put a monkey before a looking glass they say and he will look behind it Miss Sharpe But a man knows better He knows he wont find anything funnier there than the face he sees before him Boston Transcript All affectation is the vala and ridic ulous attempt of poverty to appear rich Lavater The Next Senator From Mississiooi fTfSKVfiffeK9iifeifT HE victory of Congressman John Sharp Williams In the senatorial contest in Mississip pi makes him more than ever a national figure Although It requires an election by the legislature to make Representative Williams the next sen ator the contest was virtually settled by the action of the Democratic vot ers at the primaries in casing a ma jority of their ballots for the states man who has led his party iu the house for the past few years As a member of the most distinguished de liberative body in the world John Sharp as his colleagues call him will be a type corresponding more to that of days gone by than to the modern business senator who is now so con spicuous in the upper branch of con gress Mr Williams is not a multi millionaire and lie does not represent the business interests He is a law yer by profession and belongs rather to the old school of statesmanship in which learning and oratory and knowl edge of history and literature counted for more than influence in the business and industrial world Born in Memphis Tenn in 1814 and In n home of culture lie was brought up on the Bible Pilgrims Progress Herodotus Gibbon Hume Macaulay Shakespeare Scott Thackeray and Dickens His father and mother both j died before he was eight years old his father falling nt the head of his regi ment at Shiloh Young Williams re maining family then took refuge from the advancing Union arms at his dead mothers homestead in the Yazoo delta in Mississippi He studied at the Ken tucky Military iustitute at the Uni versity of the South at the University of Virginia and at Heidelberg ne spent several years In Europe and gave especial attention to the study of French part of the time at the College de France and part of the time in travels on foot among the people On his return to the United States he was admitted to the practice of law at Memphis and devoted himself to the i Mi mii nil t W WWf1 I A CURE FOR CUSSING Thi Penitent Scotsman Found Hit Load a Heavy One A clergyman In Scotland observed wlih much perturbation that a mem ber of his congregation was greatly given to the use of strong language Over and over again he remonstrated i on the table The minister looked up with a seri ous expression This is very serious my friend I am sorry to see you have so many pebbles in the bag Hoot minister exclaimed the man cheerfully this is only the devils the damns are all at the dikeside in another bag They were over heavy to bring up Excelsior A CLEVER TRICK The Way Lord Cockranc Once Won an English Election When Lord Cochrane was a candi date for parliament in Honiton he re fused to give any bribes As his oppo nent gave 5 a head Lord Cochrane suffered defeat The latter however pent the bellman round the town an nouncing that all those who had voted for Lord Cochrane would receive 10 guineas apiece if they called on his agent In those preballot days of course it was known how each man voted and the happy minority march ed off to the agent each getting his U guineas Naturallv enough the of his estate development patrimonial ity egm t uInk tnoy hul Inue mistake and thev resolved reelifv that mistake at the first possible mo ment In due course an opportunity came There was another election Lord Cochrane stood again and the voters remembering his lavish me li ods asked him no questi ms but r turned him with a roaring majority Then they conveyed a dIicite hnt to the noble lord asking what he pro posed to give them for this distinguish ed service Not one farthing roared Ills lordship The unhappy men re minded him that he had paid 10 gain eas a head to the minority at pr vious election A complacent grin brightened the face of the member as he gave this explanation The former gift was for their disinterested con duct in not taking the bribe of 5 from the agents of my opponent For ni now to pay them would be a violati m of my own previously expressed prin ciples To Bo Kept Secret Ho was a great bore and wns talking to a crowd about the coining local election Said h Glbbs la a good man Ho la capable honest fearless and conscientious He will make the very kind of representative we need He once saved my life from drown ing Do you really want to see Glbbs with the man to give up the bud habit eIcctedr sni solemn faced old man In time the man himself came to see the error of his ways and desired no less earnestly to break hlmself of the use of bad language The dillicullx however was to find a method of doing so One day the clergyman hit upon a happy thought Get a bag he said to the man and every time you swear put a pebble into it At the end of the month you will bring that bag to me I will count the pebbles and see what the effect has been The man accepted the Idea with alacrity He got a bag and religious ly every time he swore what Mr Gil bert in the Pinafore calls a big big D lie duly put a pebble into it At the end of the month he went to the clergyman taking the bag with him It was not an easy task for as any one might see the bag was vyy full and very heavy He went into the clergymans study and put the bag I do Indeed Id give anything to see him elected answered the bore Then never let anybody know ho saved your life counseled the solemn faced man London Tit Bits Jk A I FINCH OSTEOPATHIC PHYSICIAN ano OPTICIAN Ollico days Tuesdays Wednes days Thursdays and Saturdays Ollico in Post OITico IJIdg - Phono 13 DrHarli8rtJPratt Ukoihtikii Qkaduath Dentist Ollico ovor McOoiiiipIIh Driifj Storu McCOOK NEB Tolpplimion Ollico 10 roHiilonro MI Honimr location Atlanta Ortorjciii J tSiyifk CAPT BARRETT IMCACTICAL Architect and Builder Repairing and Remodeling Buildings a Specialty McCOOK - NEBRASKA Shop Ilionu rt E P OSHORN m DIAMOND GO LADIES I i fc p J W WENTZ OSBORN WENTZ Draymen Prompt Service Courteous Treatment Reasonable Prices GIVE US A TRIAL rfnffTv ba BRAND Her AbIc jmir lruritlt for A DIAMOND likAND TILLS in K I antA Gold metallic boxes sealed with BluKw Ribbon Take 110 otiitu Tiny oF your Draught nnl ailt for V j IIA1IOM RKAM PILLS twcnty fivQ j years regarded as Best Safest Always Keliiblc SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS TIMK TRIHD story which the Po ton Record prints when he called for that one about the boy who ate the ribbons and it made mill sich 1 J Aunt Ethel was puzzled I know of no such tory she said after searching her memory vainly Nothing she could suggest answered the description Tommy cannot read but he thought he could find the book EVERYWHERE SHE SeeiDE Is Belie - S ijww ii tffwi yi i i rl If you uill figure with us and quality of matt rial is anv objpet you will be easily convinced that we out class all competition MMfMfmnyi ureal Uinta an Center Home of Quality and Quantity where W C BDLLAD sells THE BEST LUM BER AND COAL Are you thinking of building If so it ten to one our figures will please you M O McCLURE Phone No 1 Manager V f A