s
-
The
-
Scrap Book
Tho Ways of Congressmen
It was at a banquet In Washington
given to a large body of congressmen
mostly from the rural districts Tho
tables wcro elegant and It was a sceno
of fairy splendor ho to speak but on
one table there were no decorations
but palm leaves
Here said a congressman to the
head waiter why dont you put them
things on our tables too pointing to
the plants
The head waiter didnt know he was
a congressman
We calnt do It boss he whispered
confidentially deys mostly congress
men at all do tables ceptln dat one
nn If we put pams on dere tables dey
take um for celery an eat urn all up
sho Deed dey would boss We
knows em
MORTALITY
Ashes to ashes duBt to dustl
What of his loving What of his luBt
What of his passion What of his pain
What of his poverty What of his pride
Earth tho great mother has called him
again
Deeply ho sleeps tho worlds verdict de-
Shall e bo tried again Shall he go free
Who shall tho court convene Whero
shall It bo
No answer on tho land none from tho sea
Only wo know that as ho died wo must
You with your theory you with your
trust
Ashes to ashes dust unto dust
Paul Laurence Dunbar
College Days
There was once a Yale sophomore
who found himself in financial straits
and pawned all his good clothes A
little before Thanksgiving he got a big
check from home
When he got home for the holidays
the first thing his mother took out of
the trunk was an overcoat and on it
was pinned the pawnbrokers ticket ho
ad forgotten to remove
Hastily grabbing the ticket he said
Hello They must have forgotten
to take this off at the Smith dance
when I left it in the cloakroom
A moment later his mother took out
his evening trousers They also had
a ticket on them
Why Reginald she said surely
you didnt leave these in the cloak
room too did you Lippincotfs
After Many Trials
He was a sad faced American tourist
ud as he seated himself in a London
restaurant he was immediately attend
ed by an obsequious waiter
I want two eggs said the Ameri
can one fried on one side and one on
the other
Ow is that sir asked the as
tounded waiter
Two eggs one fried on one side and
one on the other
Very well sir
The waiter was gone several min
utes and when he returned his face
was a study
Would you please repeat your bor
der sir
I said very distinctly two eggs one
fried on one side and one on the other
Oppressive silence and then a dazed
Very well sir
This time he was gone longer and
when he returned he said anxiously
Would it be awsking too much sir
to ave you repeat your border sir I
cawnt think I ave it right sir y
know
Two eggs said the American sadly
and patiently one fried on one side
and one on the other
More oppressive silence and another
and fainter Very well sir
This time he was gone still longer
When he returned his collar was un
buttoned his hair disheveled and his
face scratched and bleeding Leaning
over the waiting patron he asked be
seechingly
Would you mind tyking boiled
heggs sir Ive ad some words with
the cook Ladles Home Journal
Kissing the Girls
Senator Vance once stumped North
Carolina in joint debate Avith Judge
Settle the Republican candidate for
the governorship All the white Dem
ocrats turned out to hear Vance and
the colored Republicans to hear Settle
At the conclusion of the speaking one
day Vance was told that a number of
young women bad expressed a desire
to kiss the Democratic candidate
He stepped down from the platform
and kissed a dozen or so of the pretty
young women when he stopped long
enough to turn around to his competi
tor and shout Im kissing my girls
Settle now you kiss yours
Anno Domino
When Senator Vest was old and
broken in health he once compared his
state to that of a very old negro he
remembered back in Kentucky
See here Sam asked the negros
friend whats the matter with you
Dont know boss said the old
darky but I think dat I am a-suffer-in
wif anno domino
The Indispensable Man
When old Zach Taylor came Into the
presidency persons In Washington
soon began to tell him there was one
public servant the government couldnt
do without They said they had come
to express the Jiope that the old gen
eral and rather unexperienced presi
dent would permit them to inform him
of It This piece of information and
advice was systematically dropped into
his ear at frequent Intervals At first
he paid little attention to it but finally
took note of the fact that a certain
Jofin Hobby who for twenty odd
years had held the important office of
assistant postmaster general was the
official the government couldnt cet
along without Tho communications
became so frequent that one day as
the last man disappeared old Zach
broke out with this question
Captain Harry who in the devil is
this man nobby everybody Is saying
we cant get along without
The general was informed about tho
official
We must attend to the case at once
We are liable to be In trouble about
him any day We must be prepared
He is liable to die on our hands and
then the devil will be to pay Seems
to me the man who cant be spared Is
the one to turn out while tho govern
ment is In a condition to meet the
emergency Turn Hobby out Captain
Harry and dont wait Well see
whether or not he cant be spared
Attend to the business at once cap
tain
Misdirected Mourning
While exploring the grounds about
the tomb of Washington a gentleman
happened tn see a lady of mature years
who bathed In tears was kneeling be
fore an edifice some distance from the
monument Thinking she was in some
sort of distress the gentleman offered
assistance
No sir thank you very much I am
not In trouble but my patriotic feelings
overcome me when I gaze upon the
tomb of the Father of his Country
Quite so the gentleman replied
tenderly I thoroughly understand
but my dear madam you have made a
mistake This is not the tomb of
Washington This is an ice house
He Knewthe Kind
A small boy in Boston who had un
fortunately learned to swear was re
buked by his father Who told you
that I swore asked the bad little
boy Oh a little bird told me said
the father The boy stood and looked
out of tht window scowling at some
sparrows which were scolding and
chattering then he had a happy
thought I know who told you he
said It was one of those damned
sparrows
He Won the Pie
When Barham the author of Th j
Ingoldsby Legends was a boy at Can-
teroury lie in company with a juve
nile companion entered a Quakers
meeting house and looking around at
the grave assemblage held up a penny
tart and said solemnly Whoever
speaks first shall have this pie Go
thy way said a drab colored gentle
man rising go thy way and The
pies yours sir exclaimed Barham
and hastily dropping it before the
speaker made his escape
Not For Him
A quiet and retiring citizen occupied
a seat near the door of a crowded car
when a masterful stout woman en
tered
Having no newspaper behind which
to hide he was fixed and subjugated by
her glittering eye He rose and offered
his place to her Seating herself with
out thanking him she exclaimed in
tones that reached to the farthest end
of the car
What do you Avant to stand up there
for Come here and sit on my lap
Madam gasped the man as his
face became scarlet I beg your par
don I I
What do you mean shrieked the
woman You know very well I was
speaking to my niece there behind
you Ladies Home Journal
The Host Could Not Leave
At a large evening party one of the
guests stood in a corner yawning
Are you very much bored sir ask
ed his neighbor
Yes dreadfully was the answer
And you
Oh I am bored to death too
How would it do to clear out to
gether
I am sorry I cant I am the host
Stantons Bone Crusher
Some officer had disobeyed or failed
to comprehend an order -
I believe Ill sit down said Secre
tary Stanton and give that man a
piece of my mind
Do so said Lincoln write him
now while you have it on your mind
Make it sharp Cut him all up
Stanton did not need a second invi
tation It was a bone crusher that he
read to the president
Thats right said Lincoln thats
a good one
Who can I send it by mused the
secretaiy
Send it replied Lincoln send
it Why dont send it at all Tear it
up You have freed your mind on the
subject and that is all that is neces
sary Tear it up You never want
to send such letters I never do
A Discrepancy
Two sailors one Irish the other Eng
lish agreed to take care of each other
in case of either being wounded in the
battle of Trafalgar It was not long
before the Englishmans leg was shot
off by a cannon ball and Paddy took
him up to carry him to the doctor ac
cording to their agreement but had
scarcely got his companion on his back
when a second ball struck off the poor
fellows head Paddy through the noise
and bustle had not perceived his
friends last misfortune but continued
to make the best of his way to the sur
geon An officer observing him with
the headless trunk asked him where
he was going To the doctor says
Paddy The doctor says the officer
Why the man ha3 lost his head On
bearing this the Irishman laid the body
down and looked at It attentively
Thats strange he said more than
strange Why he told me twas his
leg
Bung So you have succeeded in
tracing back my ancestors What is
your fee Genealogist Twenty guin
eas for keeping quiet about them
Wit aaid Humor
of
LESLIE M SliAW
T
nB ex secretary
of the treasury
during his offi
cial career was
known as the story
teller of the cabi
net He has been
likened to Lincoln
p his democratic
ways his careless
ness of dress his
epigrams and his
homely Illustra
tions Perhaps It would be just as
well not to seek for many other re
semblances but in witty remarks and
pat anecdotes ex Secretary Shaw does
approach the great war president
nere Is a sample of the aptness of his
stories
A man went to him one day when
there was talk of some customs frauds
In New York to ask if he intended
starting an investigation
I knew a fellow once said Mr
Shaw who hunted foxes with a brass
band A very long and embarrass
ing pause while the secretary went on
signing his mail He didnt get any
foxes
One day Justice narlan of the su
preme court propounded this query to
Shaw
Mr Secretary what is the differ
ence between a statesman and a poli
tician
Quick as thought came the answer
Its the difference between the
young man seeking a position and the
boy looking for a job
A friend of the family once remark
ed to the secretary
Mrs Shaw is so kind isnt she
Kind repeated Mr Shaw Mrs
Shaw would be kind to her own execu
tioner
When the treasury portfolio was of
fered to Governor Shaw his friends in
his presence were speculating as to
whether lie would accept or not He
set their minds at rest by telling the
following story
Two boys Bill and Bob were at the
dinner table Some time before the
end of the meal the pie was passed
Bill declined to take any saying he
was not yet ready for the dessert Bob
helped himself to the biggest piece on
the plate and turning to Bill remark
ed Bill alius take pie when pie is
passiu
The treasury department had a mi
nor employee named Mike who went
on periodical sprees But he was con
sidered indispensable so was taken
back each time Mr Shaw learned of
this and asked the delinquents imme
diate superior What would you do if
Mike were dead Ob I suppose we
would have to straighten out things
ourselves Well so far as this de
partment is coucerned Mike is dead
So begin and straighten
When he was secretary he always
wanted to help people if he could but
much as he desired to assist one wom
an to a position he saw it was impos
sible
I tell you how it is my good wom
an lie said Anally Im always will
ing to climb a tree for anybody but I
couldnt climb a greased pole to please
my mother I want to help you but I
simply cant do it
Senator Depew once raised a great
laugh at a London banquet by quoting
the following poem as coming from
Shaws pen
Go ask papa the maiden said
He knew that her papa was dead
He also knew the life hed led
And understood her when she said
Go ask papa
Englishmen are said to be slow in
seeing a joke but even they caught on
to the girls polite method of telling an
unwelcome suitor to go to the infernal
regions
When Shaw was governor he was
one day making a speech in which he
was often interrupted by one man in
the audience This individual butted
in once too often In an unhappy mo
ment he broke in with Pardon me
but
Before be could finish the governor
replied Well Ive pardoned lots
worse fellows than you in my time
and I presume it would be unjust to
draw the line here
The fellow sat down and during the
remaining two hours of the address
there were no more interruptions
Governor Shaw once addressed a
letter to his wife as follows
Tho Best Woman In the World
Des Moines la
The letter said the happy woman
with a mixture of delight and senti
ment was delivered to me without
question as the postmaster knew the
writing
When Bellamy Storer was dismissed
from the diplomatic service recently
some one asked Shaw if the decision
had been sudden In answer came a
story
Out west said the secretary
there was a tenderfoot who struck a
new town just as a funeral procession
was coming out He stood and watch
ed it file by and then inquired of one
of the bystanders who the deceased
was
Pink Eyed Bill was the reply
Was his death sudden inquired
the tenderfoot
Sudden said the resident No
stranger Hed been under suspicion a
long time
A QUEER ISLAND
No Bottom Found In Any of tho Weill
Bored In Curacoa
Curacoa is one of the queerest little
islands In the Caribbean sea It lies
Bixty miles north of Venezuela Is about
sixty miles long and twelve or four
teen miles wide and It has a popula
tion of more than 50000
There Is no means of procuring fresh
water on the island except by saving
rainwater In reservoirs A number of
wells have been bored under the su
pervision of the Dutch government to
which it belongs but each ended in n
failure
A curious statement regarding these
borings Is made by the inhabitants of
the Island They saw that in each
and every case after a certain depth
was reached the tools dropped out of
sight Indicating that there Is no solid
foundation to tho Island The borings
were made In low places and through
hills and In about thirty different
places each with the same ultimate
result A few wells have been dug
to a lesser depth and brackish un
pleasant tasting water Is obtained fit
only for manufacturing purposes
The approach of the rainy season is
always an interesting time The wa
ter In the reservoir Is low at this time
and the natives eagerly await the op
portunity to gather a fresh supply
Clothing is never washed there in
fresh water but at all hours of the
day the beach is alive with women
beating the clothes with clubs on the
rocks Buffalo News
Men
INOPPORTUNE DEATHS
Who Had They Lived Might
Have Changed History
Julius Caesar was assassinated when
he had almost completed the task of
consolidating the administration and
dominion of the Roman empire and
his death opened the way to that des
potism and corruption which ultimate
ly undid his work Henry of Navarre
was killed when he had almost healed
the differences between Catholic and
Protestant which subsequently rent
not only Prance but Europe and Wil
liam the Silent also fell when he was
on the point of uniting the Netherland
provinces into a compact barrier
against the encroachments of Spain
In English history Lord Clive died at
the moment when he was the one man
who could have saved the American
colonies and kept the Anglo Saxon race
united But there Is the case of
beau He was literally the one man in
France who could have averted the
horrors of the revolution saved and
reformed the monarchy and so spared
Europe the murderous career of Napo
leon and all the devastation it brought
If lie had lived ten or even five years
longer the history not only of France
but of Europe and the world would
have been different It is in fact suf
ficient say that he would liavq made
bothi pierre and Napoleon impos
sible bind Magazine
A Great Leveler
Have you ever thought what a great
leveler the telephone is You would
never think of meeting some dignitary
of church or state or some great so
ciety lady on the street and address
either with a familiar Hello It would
be unpardonable rudeness and yet that
is what you do daily when you use the
telephone and nothing is thought of it
The judge on the bench the governor
in his office the busy coupon clipper at
his desk the overworked clerk the
lady in her boudoir the artisan at his
lathe are all slaves to that democratic
Tlello it matters not who may be on
the other end of the wire Stanberry
Owl
The Old Commercial Instinct
What do you think of this table
William asked Mrs Newlyrich
pointing proudly to the antique piece
sho had purchased
What did you pay for it grunted
her Bill of without any money days
One hundred dollars dear
I think you ought to have been able
to buy a new one for that returned
her unantiquarian informed spouse
casting a reflective and scrutinizing
glance over the ancient piece of fur
niture New York Herald
A Wrong Steer
A mathematical professor had been
invited by a city friend to visit him at
his residence in a certain square and
had promised to do so Meeting him
some time afterward the friend in
quired of the professor why he did not
come to see him
I did come said the mathemati
cian but there was some mistake
You told me that you lived in a square
and I found myself in a parallelogram
so I went away again
The Point of View
You cant get in here on a half
ticket exclaimed the doorkeeper at
the circus
I thought I could apologized the
Small town citizen I have a bad
eye and I only expected to see half of
the show
Then youll have to get two tickets
said the doorkeeper If you only have
one good eye itll take you twice as
long to see the show Harpers Week
ly
The Supreme Test
That seemed such a queer marriage
Of Robinsons How did he come to
select his bride
He found they had kept the same
t
cook in the family for twelve years
Baltimore American
A Broad Hint
Fred Last night as you stood in the
moonlight I couldnt help but thlnb
how much I would like to kiss you
Freda Well the poet says The
nought of yesterday Is the action of
oday Pick-Me-Up
Monogram
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The TRIBUNE Office
rv
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THR
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I JAS S DOYLE
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