lW
IT WOULDNT KEEP
One Thing the 8cotsman Did Not Dare
to Buy In Bulk
The chninvouinn of the board of gov
ernors of ii New York womans club
vvus discussing the question of the
clubs liquor license
It Is raUicr u mutter of indifference
to us she said whether we get a li
cense or not Women you know are
not given to drinking They are too
careful of their appearance They de
sire to remain slim and fresh and
wine as you know tends to make us
coarse and stale and fat
So If Ave had a license I think we
should sell little It would not be with
us as with a farmer I once met In
Scotland
Traveling In the Scottish highlands
one summer I stopped at a farmhouse
for a cup of milk and the view from
the door was so lovely that I said to
the farmer
Ah what a superb place to live
in
Ou aye he answered In conven
tional Scotch Its a rlcht but hoo wad
ye like maam to hae to walk fufteen
mile Ilka time ye wanted a bit glass o
whusky
Oh well said I why dont you
get a demijohn of whisky and keep it
in the house
He shook his head sadly
Whusky he said wont keep
New York Tribune
ULTIMATE FATE OF FISH
They Never Die a Natural Death Says
an 0nervant Fisherman
Fish never die a natural death
said an old llsherman who has ob
served as he iished If they did
bodies of dead fish would be floating
on the surface of the water about all
the while because such bodies if un
molested would have to iloat
I mean of course fish in nature
never die a natural death not fish in
captivity And perhaps it should not
be called natural death that fish in
captivity die Their environment in
duces mortality that fish in their na
tive habitat would escape and these
causes might be properly classed as
among the accidents that carry the
captive fish off
If fish In their native element wore
never molested I believe they would
never die If they had sufficient food
which would be impossible if they no
longer preyed on one another there
would be no reason for their dying
It was to prevent such uninterrupted
tenure of life that all fish were made
fiercely predatory if not remorselessly
cannibalistic as many kinds are
A fishs life is a constantly stren
uous one and one entirely selfish A
fish lives only to eat and to avoid be
ing eaten New York Sun
A Literary Month
April has been a generous month in
regard to the gift of writers of the
first rank To begin with there are
Shakespeare Wordsworth Swinburne
among the poets and Fielding Hans
Andersen Charlotte Bronte Hobbes
Gibbon Kant Froude and Zola are
among the number of other notable
April born On the other hand the
month of showers proved fatal to
Shakespeare Wordsworth both on
April 23 Goldsmith Otway Rossetti
Matthew Arnold Byron Chaucer Tas
so ltacine to name only the principal
among the poets -who have passed
away in April while among other
writers that April has taken away have
been Bacon La Fontaine Humboldt
Darwin Franklin De Foe and Emer
son Dundee Advertiser
Overshot the Mark
McCluky was the manager of a
large warehouse in Glasgow and he
was intensely disliked One fine morn
ing he announced that he had received
a handsome offer from an English firm
and had decided to give up -his
Glasgow job His fellow employees
collected a purse of sovereigns and
presented it to him as a thank offering
Weel said McClusky as he
took the purse This beats a I niver
thocht ye liket me sae weel But noo
that I see ye re a sae sorry to lose me
I think Ill no gang awa but jist stop
whaur I am
He is still in Glasgow Glasgow
Times
Sick Yachts
There is a form of sickness among
boats declares Forest and Stream that
resembles hereditary diseases in that
they are handed down through suc
ceeding years as a result of mere cus
tom The cause of this form of ail
ment nine times out of ten is some
artificial limitations called racing
rules to suit which the yachts shape
Is distorted just as women to be in
style will lace themselves into a six
teen inch waist measure or will pad
themselves out of all proportion to
their natural shape
The Verdict
A Georgia coroners jury brought in
the following verdict
The deceased came to his death
from a railroad in the hands of a re
ceiver and the same is manslaughter
in the first degree Atlanta Constitu
tion
Voice Cultivation
Pedestrian What a horrible -whine
you have in asking for assistance
You ought to have your voice culti
vated Tramp Dats wot I -wants
money fer boss Im f inkin uv havin
me voice irrigated Chicago News
To Make Sure
An old subscriber writes us to know
what a married couple can live com
fortably on said the stenographer
Tell her a thousand a year more than
they have answered the correspoml
nce editor wisely Life
THE AGASSIZ FAMILY
Remarkable Careers of Louis the Fa
ther and Alexander the Son
Very interesting comparisons can be
made between the careers of the great
scientist -the late Louis Agasslz who
was born 100 years ago on May 28
and of his son Alexander Agasslz who
recently retired as head of the Na
tional Academy of Science after five
years of active and valuable service In
that position Louis Agassiz was born
in Switzerland In 1807 died in Amer
ica his adopted country in 1873 and
was buried in Mount Auburn ceme
tery Boston where his monument is a
bowlder from the Alps His son Alex
ander was born in Switzerland in 1835
his mother being the first wife of the
elder scientist In 1848 Louis Agasslz
came to the United States on a mis
sion from the king of Prussia and was
prevailed on to remain in this country
and become professor of geology and
zoology at Harvard The younger
Agasslz received his collegiate educa
tion at Harvard and his career has
fa
PKOFESSOB AIiEXANDEB AGASSIZ
been largely associated with that in
stitution He also studied at the Law
rence Scientific school His stepmoth
er the second wife of Louis Agassiz
was long at the head of Radcliffe col
lege the womans department of Har
vard The father is usually spoken of
as the great Louis Agassiz yet the
work of the son has been scarcely sec
ond to that of the father In value It
is said that the elder Agasslz never in
all his life had 1000 he could call
his own and he often said he had no
time to make money But his son haa
made a fortune by wise use of the
mining opportunities that have come
to him through his scientific knowl
edge and he has spent a great deal of
his money in the promotion of scien
tific projects Much of it has been
expended for the benefit of the Har
vard Museum of Comparative Anato
my of which Louis Agassiz was found
er and of which Alexander Agasslz
became curator on the death of the
elder scientist The sons gifts to the
museum are said to approximate
1000000 in value The fortune which
he made in Lake Superior copper min
ing has enabled him to achieve scien
tific victories which had be been poor
might never have been -won
MRS HENRY W LAWT0N
Widow of the Gallant Officer Who Fell
In Philippines
The unveiling of a monument in
honor of the late General Henry W
Lawton at Indianapolis on Memorial
day recalls the heroism and patriotic
achievements of this soldier of many
battlefields who fell in the Philippines
Dec 19 1899 General Lawton was
Idolized by his comrades and was held
in the utmost esteem by the people of
his home state of Indiana and after
his death in the faroff orient a fund
of 98000 was raised by his friends
a
-- - m
IMtmMMm WW f
MRS HENKT W LAWTON
in the United States for the use of his
family Mrs Lawton who is a woman
of sweet face and gracious manners
has devoted herself since her husband
was killed to the rearing of her chil
dren She was Miss Mary Craig of
Kentucky Among her possessions is
an attractive homestead in California
Her husband was her hero and she
has been much touched by the tributes
paid to his memory and by the honor
shown him In the erection of the splen
did memorial at Indianapolis
A Youthful Delusion
The man who thinks he understands
woman Is never married usually he
isnt old enough to be Atchison Globe
S
The
crap
Book
Ogiesbys Pardon
Governor Oglesby went down to
Jollet to Inspect the state prison In
one of the cells was a very ugly man
How did you get in here asked
Oglesby
Abduction was the reply I tried
to run off with a girl and they caught
me
Ill pardon you as soon as I get
back to Springfield said the governor
I dont see how you could expect to
get a wife in any other way
NEVER TALK BACK
Never talk back slch things Is reprehen
sible
A feller only hurts hlsself that jaws a
man thats hot
In a quarrel If youll only keep your
mouth shut and act sensible
The man that does the talkln 11 get
worsted every shot
Never talk back to a feller thats abusin
you
Just let him carry on and rip and snort
and swear
And when he finds his blamln and defam
lns Jest amusln you
Youve got him clean kerflummlxed and
you want to hold him there
Never talk back and wake up the whole
community
And call a man a liar over law or poll
tics
You can lift and land him furder and with
gracefuller Impunity
With one good jolt of silence than in
half a dozen kicks
James Whltcomb Riley
He Remembered
A restaurant keeper hung out this
sign
Coffee
Such as Mother Used to Make
A customer asked pointing to the
sign
Is your coffee really such as mother
used to make
It is replied the proprietor
Then said the man with a remi
niscent look give me a cup of tea
Politeness
At a dinner given by a high official
at Washington a distinguished French
man who was visiting this country as
a delegate to a certain industrial con
ference gave expression to extrava
gant praise of his beloved France His
neighbor at table on the right would
smile and bow in polite acquiescence
every time the visitor would mention
an instance of Frances superiority
above every other nation
The French exclaimed he are
the politest people on earth
The neighbor at table again smiled
and bowed
A little piqued by the others si
lence the Frenchman asked Ameri
cans admit do they not the superiority
of the French in politeness
Oh yes came the reply thats
our politeness Lipplncotts
Always Up to Date
Tourist Get any newspapers here
Boatman Ou aye when the steam
er comes If Its fine shell come ance
a week but when its stormy i -winter
we dinna catch a glint o her for three
months at a time
Tourist Then youll not know whats
going on in London
Boatman Na But ye see yere just
as ill off i London as we are for ye
dinna ken whats gaun on here
Literally the Truth
Two or three generations ago Dr
Samuel Iieed was one of the prominent
physicians of Boston His large prac
tice included many patients outside the
city limits and these he visited in his
buggy
One day he bought a new horse with
which he was much pleased until he
discovered that the animal had an in
surmountable objection to bridges of
all kinds and could not be made to
cross one
As at this period it was necessary
to cross some bridge in order to reach
any one of the surrounding towns
the doctor decided to sell the horse
He did not think it necessary to men
tion the animals peculiarity but was
much too honest to misrepresent him
and after some thought produced the
following advertisement which he in
serted in a local paper
For Sale A bay horse warranted sound
and kind The only reason for selling is
because the owner desires to leave Bos
ton
He Never Quarreled
In 1815 Benton went to Missouri
then a territory inhabited by a fierce
population Avhere his fights continued
with the usual result What the re
sult was may be inferred from a dec
laration he made in the senate after a
senator had referred to what he called
a quarrel of Bentons Mr Presi
dent sir said the great Missourian
sternly the senator is mistaken sir
I never quarrel sir but I sometime
fight and whenever I fight sir a
funeral follows
When the Lion Wags His Tail
Some years ago George K Peck for
merly of Kansas after he became gen
eral solicitor of the Chicago Milwau
kee and St Paul Railway company
was called to South Dakota to argue an
important case before the federal
court He was accompanied to the
seat of justice by Alfred Beard Klt
tredge the local attorney of the com
pany who has since become a United
States senator
Mr Peck made a fine argument and
afterward walked to the hotel with the
judge of the court I liked your argu
ment this afternoon Mr Peck the
judge said It was a masterly presen
tation of your case I dont think you
left anything unsaid that could have
been said
Mr Peck thanked the judge for the
compliment and afterward went to Mr
Kittredge elated I am going to win
that cuse Kittredge he said What
makes yon think so asked Mr Kit
tredge Why Ill tell you on the quiet
Walking with me to the hotel today
the Judge complimented me and added
that I had left nothing unsaid
Oh Is that all Mr Kittredge said
Dont let him fool you by that kind of
talk We all know him here Ill tell
you a story
Once there was a lion tamer whose
duty it was to go into the cage and
put his head in a big lions mouth twice
a day One day after he had got his
head in the animals mouth he asked
the keeper in a low voice Is the lion
wagging his tall ne Is replied the
keeper Then Im gone said the tam
er and the next moment the Hon closed
his jaws and killed the tamer
It was both a story and a prophecy
Mr Peck lost his case
The Doctors Joy
Doctor Doane was demonstrator at a
clinic which had under advisement a
patient suffering with a carbuncle of
unusual proportions In a burst of sci
entific rapture the demonstrator deliv
ered something in the following vein
Perfect specimen Perfect specimen
I never saw one superior A beautiful
infiammatlon There Isnt that a
gem The unhappy victim raised his
hands in protest Enough he
gasped nell Is full of joy like yours
He Was Willing to Oblige
A young North Carolina girl is
charming but like a great many other
charming people she is poor She
never lias more than two evening
gowns in a season and the ruin of one
of them is rlwnys a serious matter to
her She Avent to a little dancing party
last week and she wore a brand new
white frock During the evening a
great big red faceu perspiring man
came up and asked her to dance He
wore no gloves She looked at his
well meaning but moist hands despair
ingly and thought of the immaculate
back of her waist She hesitated a bit
and then she said with a winning
smile
Of course Ill dance with you but
if you dont mind wont you please
use your handkerchief
The man lodked at her blankly a
moment or two Then a light broke
over his face
Why certainly he said
And he pulled out his handkerchief
and blew his nose Ladies Home
Journal
Benton and Calhoun
A short time after Calhuns death
a friend said to Benton I suppose
Colonel you wont pursue Calhoun be
yond the grave to which he replied
No sir When God Almighty lays
His hand upon a man sir I take mine
off sir
Never Again
One day a learned judge was llsten
ing to a case that had been appealed
from olio of flfiT lower courRT The
young lawyer who appeared for the ap
pellant was long and tedious ho
brought in all the elementary text
books and quoted the fundamental le
gal propositions
At length the judge thought it wus
time to make an effort to close the ar
gument
Can we not assume he said suave
ly that the court Itself knows a little
about the law
Thats the very mistake I made In
the other court answered the lawyer
and I dont want to let It defeat me
twice
Jackson and the Mutineers
While General Jackson was conduct
ing his campaign against the Creeks
in Alabama the privations and hard
ships the raw levies had to endure
were too much for a company of Ten
nesseeaus They mutinied declared
their intention of returning home and
set out every man with his anus The
general lay on a sick bed in ills tent
but hearing of the revolt sprang up
dressed ordered his horse and pick
ing up the first gun In his way started
on a gallop alone after the disaffected
ones Overtaking and passing them
he wheeled his horse and presenting
his gun as ho swept the line with his
stern and fiery glance he shouted
Back to your duty Ill blow out the
brains of the first man that dares to
move a step forward Wheel march
The men cowered under his eye hesi
tated a moment then obeyed his order
wheeled and returned to ramp the
general following When they had
entered the line- and stood In the pres
ence of the whole force the general
came around in front alighted threw
his gun on the ground and said loud
enough to be heard by all That old
gun had no lock in It
Joe Jefferson Found Out
The late Joseph Jefferson once re
ceived a cable dispatch from his son
Thomas who was In London asking
his father to remit to him 100
The father was doubtful and so he
wired back What do you want it
for
Back came the answer For Tom
This so tickled the old man that the
money was forthcoming
The Drummer and the Dukes
A commercial traveler got into the
same railway carriage with the Duke
of Northumberland and the Duke of
Argyll and conversed with them free
ly not knowing who they were Th
Duke of Northumberland got out at
Alnwick where a handsome equipage
was in waiting The traveler said with
surprise Ill bet you thats some big
nob weve been talking to It is the
Duk of Northumberland said Argyll
The traveler stared after the equipage
in amazement By gums he said at
last Whod have thought that a
duke would have talked to two little
Cnobs like us
Poems of the Day A special Wash
ington letter
trations
-Taking cartoons and illus-
F D BURGESS
umber and
leam Filler
Iron Lead and Sewer Pipe Brass
Goods Pumps an Boiler Trimmings
Estimatos Furnished Free Base
ment of the Postoffice Building
c
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