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Grecloy on Salvation
One afternoon Ilornco Greeley was
seated In the Tribune ofllce absorbed
lii writing when a tall Holemn man
came In and stood respectfully by bis
desk After awhile Jlr Greeley looked
up and in Ills sharp tones said
Well what Is It
I have called said Uie stranger In
a measured pulpit voice to invite pe
cuniary assistance for our great work
In the Five Points Mission
Whats the work said Greeley
still writing vigorously
The salvation of souls
Not a cent said Greeley Not a
cent to save souls Most of em ought
to bo damned
A prize of J50 was paid for tlio foregoing
anecdote to TI103 L Masson Glen Uldce
NJ
HETERODOXY
Pray thee put the sermon by vex my
soul no more with creeds
They are only st mca and husks to my
hungry spirits needs
I am tired of striving sects with their
various bigotry
Ah for me death holds no terror but the
fear of losing thee
In a heaven apart from thee could my
exiled soul rejoice
Could 1 Join the angels song missing
thence thy tender voice
What to me were gates of pearl If they
parted thco and me
What the streets so fair and golden if 1
walked thorn seeking thee
What to me the pastures green where thy
feet could never be
What the paths beside still waters if thou
walkest not with me
Ah wherever after death my still faith
ful soul may dwell
Saints may call it bliss or woe they may
name it heaven or hell
By thee only O beloved will my joy or
pain be wrought
I shall find my heaven beside thee or my
hell where thou art not
Elizabeth Akcrs
The Golf Caddy
The golf caddy said a southern
journalist as he chewed a sprig of
mint is a new type This lad is inde
pendent witty altogether without rev
erence On John D Rockefellers visit
to Bon Air he tried a little golf one
afternoon in the neighborhood of Au
gusta On a rather difficult shot Mr
Rockefeller struck too low with his
iron and as the dirt flew he said to
his caddy
What have I hit
The boy answered with a harsh
laugh
Georgia boss
It Worked a Cure
A certain clergyman in Richmond
says Success has had in his employ
for so long a time a negro named Ju
lian that -the latter had come to regard
himself as something of a confidential
adviser to the divine
Early one Sunday morning the pastor
awoke feeling decidedly ill After a
futile attempt at breakfast he sum
moned his old faithful servitor saying
Julian I want you to go to my as
sistant Mr Blank and tell him that
as I am unwell he will officiate for
me in this mornings service
At this Julian demurred and after
some argument persuaded his master
that he would feel better if be officiat
ed as usual This the latter did and
as predicted by the darky he did re
turn home feeling much better
Youse better sub asked
servant meeting his master at
door
Very much better thank you
the
the
Han
The darky grinned What did I tell
you sub I knowed you would be all
right just as soon as you got that ser
mon outer your system
Schopenhauer on Kinship
The source of all pleasure and delight
is the feeling of kinship Even with the
sense of beauty it is unquestionably
our own species in the animal world
and then again our own race that ap
pears to us the fairest So too in in
tercourse with others every man shows
a decided preference for those who re
semble him and a blockhead will find
the society of another blockhead in
comparably more pleasant than that of
any number of great minds put to
gether
An Exchange of Boys
Two boys in the Sunday school who
stood at the head of the class were
invariably asked the same questions
which were Who made you and
To what do you return to which the
first boy always replied God made
me and the second boy answered
Dust of the earth
On this occasion the first boy was
absent so the first question Who
made you was addressed to the sec
ond boy
Dust of the earth he replied
Quite wrong Tommy God made
you said the teacher indignantly
No teacher The boy that God
made has gone home with the stomach
ache
Canova
If you will let me try I think I can
make something that will do said a
boy who had been employed as a scul
lion at the mansion of Signer Faliero
as the story is told by George Cary
Eggleston A large company had been
Invited to the banquet and just before
the hour the confectioner who had
been making a large ornament for the
table sent word that he had spoiled
the piece You exclaimed the head
servant In astonishment And who
are you I am Antonio Canova the
grandson of PIsano the stonecutter
replied the pale laced little fellow
The servant was at his wif s end so he
told Antonio to go ahead and see what
he could do Calling for some butter
the scullion quickly molded a large
crouching lion which the admiring
major domo placed upon the table
Dinner was announced and many of
the most noted merchants princes and
noblemen of Venice were ushered Into
the dining room Among them were
skilled critics of art work They looked
at the Hon long and carefully and ask
ed Signer Faliero what great sculptor
had been persuaded to waste his skill
upon a work in such a temporary ma
terial Faliero could not tell so he
asked the head servant who brought
Antonio before the company
When the distinguished guests learn
ed that the lion had been made in a
short time by a scullion the dinner
was turned into a feast in his honor
Some may not have heard how the boy
Antonio tc jk advantage of this first
great opportunity but all know ol
Canova one of the greatest sculptors
of all time I
Vuinsr Fractions
Eerylhng that Cobby
learned at
school he endeavored to apply in hi- J
daily life and walk When his mother
asked him if one of his new friends
was an only child Bobby looked wise
and triumphant j
Hes got just one sister said Bob
by He tried to catch me when he
told me he had two half sisters but 1
guess I know enough fractions foi
that
Circumstantial Evidence
Once while two famous students of
Blackstone were arguing a case one
said he could illustrate his part of
the argument which was that of cir
cumstantial evidence by a story of a
boy who was fond of custard pie
One day when left alone at home he
got into the pantry and finding a cus
tard pie ate it all Then thinking of a
certain strap which was hanging in the
hall he caught the house cat and
smeared custard over its paws and
mouth and turned it loose to roam at
its will
Finally the old man returned and
soon saw the cat with its telltale
mouth and marks of its paws upon the
floor Getting a rope he tied the poor
cat to a tree limb went to the house
and got his gun The boy who had
hidden himself in the rear of the barn
remarked as he heard the report
There goes another victim of circum
stantial evidence New England Mag
azine
Seneca on Poverty and Death
Yet many things befall us which are
sad dreadful hard to bear Well as
God has been unable to remove these
things from your path he has given
your minds strength to combat all
Bear them bravely In this you can
surpass God himself He is beyond
suffering evil you are above it De
spise poverty No man lives as poor as
he was born Despise pain Either it
will cease or you will cease Despise
death It either ends you or takes you
elsewhere Despise fortune God has
given her no weapon that can reach the
mind
Never Saw Him Before
I was crossing on an Atlantic liner
once when the sea was very rough and
nearly all the passengers were seasick
Patrolling the promenade deck one
day I came across a lady in a reclin
ing chair in the very extremity of pros
tration By her side was the figure of
a man in collapse from the same dis
order his head resting in the ladys
lap
As she seemed to be otherwise quite
alone I ventured to address her say
ing
Madam can I be of any assist
ance
She feebly shook her head for an
swer being apparently too far gone
for speech
But I went on surely I must do
something for you It seems you are
unattended since your husband ap
pears to be in greater distress than
yourself
The lady murmured with the utmost
abandon of weakness and indifference
He is not my husband I never saw
him before in my life
His Own Idea
Little Ted Brown was a strenuous
lad and had formed the not unusual
habit of kicking and thumping his play
mates
One day his mother found him not
only kicking and pounding one of his
friends but even spitting on him
She was dumfounded at this and
taking Ted into the house said to him
Ted I dont know what to make of
you I think the devil has got into
your head and taught you this kicking
and striking and spitting
Ted getting more indignant every
second looked up at bis mother and
said
Well the devil may have taught me
the kicking and striking but this here
spitting is my own idea Lippincotts
Ida Lewis
A catboat was capsized in 1S54 near
Lime Bock lighthouse Newport R I
and four young men were left strug
gling in the cold waves of a choppy
sea Keeper Lewis was not at home
and his sick wife could do nothing
but their daughter Ida twelve years
old rowed out in a small boat and
saved the men During the next thir
ty years she rescued nine others at va
rious times Her work was done with
out assistance and showed skill and
endurance fully equal to her great
courage
Her System
Patient to pretty nurse WU1 you
be my wife when I recover
Pretty Nurse Certainly
Patient Then you love me
Pretty Nurse Oh no thats merely
part of the treatment I must keep
my patients cheerful I promised this
morning to run away with a married
man who had lost both of his legs
f i - ---- CT k XTCp -3--- V
1 Cicourcrcd Liigant
During first term an Im
portant feC al o Ilceholiler in Missis
sippi tlhd ard there vts a prolonged
controversy over the succession Each
of the senators from that state had a
favorite while Private John Allen
who was then in congress claimed that
the appointment belonged to his dis
trict After months of delay Allen
went to the White House one day to
urge anew the claims of ids candidate
The president looked bored when Al
len announced his mission Id a
good deal rather that youd tell me a
story John he said Ill tell you
a story Mr President said Alien
and one that fits this case I had a
client once who was left out of his fa
thers will the father having left a con
siderable fortune My client engaged
me to contest the will The other
side being In possession adopted the
policy of delay and so the case was a
long time in coining to trial and when
It was finally tried the jury disagreed
After another long delay there was an
other trial and my client won a sort of
half victory and the other side took
an appeal Then I tried to make a set
tlement in fact I considered the case
as good as settled and told my client the
good news and he and I were duly
and properly elated over the situation
But it turned out that a remote heir
with a small interest under the will
refused to settle and we faced further
and apparently almost endless litiga
tion Then my client sort of lost his
nerve John he said to me there
has been so much delay and trouble
about this case so much to bother me
and so much uncertainty that I some
times almost wish that the old man
hadnt died
Now Mr President
Thatll do John Ill send the name
of your man to the senate tomorrow
A prize of 25 was paid for the foregoing
anecdote to George T Fleming 1507
Forbes street Pittsburg
ABOU BEN ADHEM
Abou Ben Adhcm may his tribe increase
Awoke one night from a deep dream of
peace
And saw within the moonlight In his
room
Making It rich and like a lily in bloom
An angel writing in a book of gold
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem
bold
And to the presence In the room he said
What wrltest thou The vision raised
its head
And with a look made of all sweet ac
cord
Answered The names of thoso who love
the Lord
And is mine one said Abou Nay
not so
Replied the angel Abou spoke more low
But cheerily still and said I pray thee
then
Write me as one that loves his fellow
men
The angel wrote and vanished The next
night
It came again with a great wakening
light
And showed the names whom love of
God had blessed
And lo Ben Adhems name led all the
rest
Leigh Hunt
Bound to Tell
At a dinner party the little son of the
host and hostess was allowed to come
down to dessert Having had what his
mother considered a sufficiency of
fruit he was told he must not have any
more when to the surprise of every
one of the guests he exclaimed
If you dont give me some more Ill
tell
A fresh supply was at once given
him and as soon as it was finished he
repeated his threat whereupon he was
suddenly and swiftly removed from
the room but he had just time to fire
this parting shot
My new trousers are made out of
mas old bedroom curtains Boston
Herald
Joy In Ourselves
If we were not all of us exagger
atedly Interested in ourselves life
would be so uninteresting that no one
could endure it Schopenhauer
Waiting For Advice
We wrote to a subscriber who is five
years in arrears that if he would send
us a dollar we would square the ac
count and begin anew He answered
I send you 1 to pay my subscription
and you may stop my paper I dont
like your politics We have wired
Sheldon and as soon as we learn
what Jesus would say to a fellow of
that kind we will answer his letter
Galena Kan Republican
Proposition In Education
A teacher in a Tucker county public
school received the following letter the
other day
Sir Will you in the future givo my
son easier soms to do at nites This is
what hes brought hoam two or three
nites back If fore gallons of here will
fill thirty to pint bottles how many pint3
and half bottles will nine gallons of bere
fill Wei we tried and could make noth
ing of it at all and my boy cried and
laughed and sed he didnt dare to go back
in the mornin without doln it So I had
to go an buy a nine gallon keg of bere
which I could ill afford to do and then
we went and borrowed a lot of wine and
brandy bottles We fdled them and my
boy put down the number for an answer
I dont know whether it is right or not
as we spilt some while doin It
P S Please let the soms bo in water
as I am not able to buy more bere
Moundsvllle W Ya Echo
Grace Darling
On the morning of Sept G 1S3S a
young woman in the Longstone light
house between England and Scotland
was awakened by shrieks of agony
rising above the roar of wind and
wave A storm of unwonted fury was
raging and ner parents could not hear
the cries but a telescope showed nine
human beings clinging to the windlass
of a wrecked vessel whose bow was
hanging on the rocks half a mile away
We can do nothing said William
Darling the light keeper Ah yes we
must go to the rescue exclaimed his
daughter pleading tearfully with both
father and mother until the former re
plied Very well Grace I will let you
persuade meJthoughjt isagainst my 1
B BSBT V
HcnsmoiTTX
rtaiuiinuutv
bem r jugiHirt Clce a feather In a i sraegrgar cauji juan
wninwmu uie lime boat was tossed on j
the tumultuous sen and It seemed to H
Grace that she could feel her brain reel
amid the maddening swirl But borne
on the blast that swept the cruel surge H
the shrieks of those shipwrecked sail
ors seemed tj change her weak sinew-
Into cords of steel Strength hitherto
unsuspected came from somewhere
and the heroic girl pulled one oar in
even time with her father At length
the nine were safely on board God
bless you but yere a bonny English
lass said one poor fellow as he looked
wonderiugy upon this marvelous girl
who that day had done a deed which
added more to Englands glory than
the exploits of many of her mouarchs
Hell end Tcxac
The remark of General Sheridan
who commanded in Texas just after
the civil war Tf I owned hell and
Texas Id sell out Texas and live in
hell is often quoted The answer of
a Texas eitor is not so well known
Well damn a man who doesnt stand
up for his own country anyhow
Quick to Learn
The Park avenue trolley line In the
city of Rochester is crossed by three
consecutive streets which bear mascu
line surnames An Irishman with a
carpetbag entered one of the cars the
other day and sat down gingerly near
the door Four or five other men com
pleted the list of passengers The car
swung around the corner of Chestnut
street
Jame shouted the conductor A
man signaled him the car stopped and
the man alighted A half minute after
ward the car neared another cross
street
William announced the conductor
Another man got out The Irishmans
eyes grew isibly larger
Alexander shouted the conductor
The third man left the car
When it had started on the Irishman
arose and approached the conductor
Oi want to git out at Avnoo B he
said Me foorsht name is Michael
Youths Companion
The Will of Ney
Once when Marshal Ney was
going
Into battle looking down at his knees
which were smiting together he said
You may well shake You Avould
shake worse jet if you knew where I
am going to take you
The Same Only a Little Different
They were newly married according
to the New York Sun nnd on a honey
moon trip They put up at a sky
scraper hotel The bridegroom felt In
disposed and the bride said she would
slip out and do a little shopping In
due time she returned and tripped
blithely up to her room a little awed
by the number of doors that looked all
alike But she was sure of her own
and tapped gently on the panel
Im back honey Let me in she
whispered
No answer
Honey Honey Let me in she
called again rapping louder Still no
answer
Honey Honey Its Mabel Let me
in
There was silence for several sec
onds Then a mans voice cold and
full of dignity came from the other
side of the door
Madam this Is not a beehive Its
a bathroom
Saving the Colors
An Indiana regiment was fiercely at
tacked by a whole brigade in one of
the battles in Mississippi The Indi
anians unable to withstand such odds
were compelled to fall back a short
distance losing their flag which
remained in the hands of the en
emy Suddenly a tall Irishman a
private in the color company rushed
from the ranks across the vacant
ground attacked the squad of the en
emy who had possession of the con
quered flag with his musket felled sev
eral to the ground snatched the flag
from them and returned safely back to
his regiment The bold fellow was im
mediately surrounded by his jubilant
comrades and praised for his gallantry
His captain appointed him to a ser
geancy on the spot but the hero cut
everything short by the reply Oh
never mind captain Say no more
about it I dropped my whisky flask
among the rebels and fetched that
back and I thought I might just as
well bring the flag along
The Uncle and the Parrct
A farmer visiting New York with his
niece was induced by her to buy a par
rot which was represented to be a
good talker After the return home
the 3 oung lady undertook to teach the
parrot to say uncle
Say uncle she would say Uncle
UJSde uncle Please say uncle Then
she would coo at the bird as if it were
a baby learning to talk and feed it
and pet it all the time hedging it to
say uncle But the parrot looked bored
and said nothing This had gone on for
two days when the farmer said That
parrots no good Ill put it out Tak
ing it to the chicken yard the farmer
grabbed the bird by the neck and
slung it among the chickens saying
Say uncle gol darn you say uncle
The farmer went to dinner from
which he was called presently by a
great noise and commotion in the
chicken yard where he found seven
hens dead in a corner In the parrots
right claw was another hen grasped
firmly by the neck and the parrot was
screeching Say uncle gol darn you
say uncle
A prize of HO was paid for the foregoing
anecdote to Roy Brenton San Luis Obis
po Cal
Exlinustlng
They say early rising Is very un
healthy
Of course Many a woman has
broken down her constitution getting
her husband up In time for breakfast
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One Piece
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CRYSTAL AND UOLD OLASSWARI Willi
Jvery 100 purchase of our new Johnson Bros beautiful
White and Gokl Dinner ware
See Samples now on Display in Window
J I T V T V im T
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The Thrifty Man
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