, r' A SLUMBER SONG.
Bleep , my beloved. To sleep and dream Is best.
The night to us Is peace , the day unrest ,
For day , while parted , brings to us but pain ;
In dreams we live the d9ar past o'er again.
We weep not in our sleep ;
Our tears arc ( or the day ,
Which smiles , while I but weep ,
For thou art far away.
Rushed be the voices of the garish day ,
Its frets and cares and sorrows swept away ;
Forgotten quite the interval of years
Since last we met , with all their bitter tears.
Sleep , love. To dream is best.
* Our waking is but pain ;
In Bleep alone we rest
And live the past again.
Sleep , my dear love , nnd be thy dreams of me I
Waking cr sleeping , I still think of thec ,
But dreams make present time of all the past ;
The night restores thec would my dreams might
last !
Dream , dear , till the day breaks
And earthly shadows flee ,
Where morn to grief ne'er wakes
And I be one with thec.
Neil Macdonald in Harper's Bazar.
THEY GOT FRESH AIR.
The Door Remained Open After a
Very Forclhlc Argument.
An old story Is told of Joseph Robi-
doux , the founder of St. Joseph , that
had its origin in Holt county In the
early settlement of that section. The
trader who started the city was re
turning to St Joseph with a number of
red men , and they stopped with an ac
quaintance of Robidoux's close to
the house , and Robidoux went in to re
main overnight as the guest of his
friend.
The settler closed the front door aft
er they had retired , and Robidoux , who
was used to sleeping In the open air ,
went softly to it and opened It The
owner of the house waited until Robi
doux was in bed again , and the settler
closed it. That was repeated a dozen
times. "The next time that door is
closed there will be trouble , " said the
man who had founded St. Joseph. He
resumed his couch with that
The owner of the house closed the
door , and Robidoux met him as he was
returning to his bed. They clinched
and fought by the light of the moon
that came in through the window. It
was a hard light and lasted a long
time , but at last Robidoux had the set
tler on his back and sat astride of him.
He tangled his hands in his hair and
bumped his head against the puncheon
floor. "Open or shut ? " he "asked. The
settler struggled , but did not say a
word. His head was bumped many
times , and the question was repeated.
Finally the settler was exhausted.
His head was bumped again , and Ro
bidoux asked , "Open or shut ? "
"Open , " answered the settler , and
they went to bed with the door standIng -
Ing wide open , admitting the fresh air.
Kansas City Journal.
ARMORED COFFINS.
They AYere Once TJsed In a Church
yard In Scotland.
In the earlier half of the nineteenth
century the practice of stealing bodies
from the churchyards for the purpose
of sale as subjects for dissection , which
was known as "body snatching , " was
for a time very rife.
"Various plans were made to defeat
the nefarious and sacrilegious proceed
ings of the "body snatchers , " or "resur
rectionists , " as they were sometimes
called , a very common one being the
erection of two or more small watch-
. houses whose windows commanded
Ii the whole burying ground , and in
which the friends of the deceased
mounted guard for a number of nights
after the funeral.
A usual method of the grave robbers
was to dig down to the head of the
coffin and bore in it a large round hole
by means of a specially constructed
center bit It was to counteract this
maneuver that the two curious coffin-
like relics now lying on either side of
the door of the ruined church of Aber-
foyle , Perthshire , were constructed.
They are solid masses of cast iron of
enormous weight
When an interment took place one of
these massive slabs was lowered by
suitable derricks , tackles and chains
on to the top of the coffin , the grave
was filled in , and there it was left for
some considerable time. Later on the
grave was opened and the iron armor
plate was removed and laid aside
ready for another funeral.
These contrivances still lie on the
grass of the lonely little churchyard ,
objects of curiosity to the passing cy
clist and tourist Scientific American.
The Explanation.
One morning the readers of a certain
newspaper were perplexed to see in
type the announcement that "the Sco-
tus handed down an important deci
sion yesterday. " The afternoon paper
of the town , with which the morning
paper for years had held a bitter con
troversy , interesting none but them
selves , laughed that day , as the poets
say , "in ghoulish glee , " and it was up
to the morning paper the next day to
explain that "the types" made them
say that the Scotus did so and so when
the telegraph editor should have known
that that word was merely the abbre
viation of the telegrapher for supreme
court of the United States.
Municipal Ownership.
Municipal ownership long ago passed
out of the stage of theory and experi
ment , if , in fact , it ever belonged there.
Centuries before America was discov
ered public ownership of public utili
ties was highly developed. The city
of Rome 2,000 years ago possessed its
splendid public baths , its superb
aqueducts and other utilities owned
and managed by the government
No wonder they call it roasting a
man to rake him over the coals. Phila
delphia Record.
f ' \ The man who is afraid he may work
e jtoo hard never does. Chicago Times-
Herald.
IIlN Arnluit ! > Ie Time Wanted.
A Chicago lady who is the wife of a
Wealthy and influential citizen had a
U ? at deal of trouble recently with her
domestics. She had discharged her
cook and second girl and for a few
days was obliged to do her own cook
ing.
It was on one of these mornings that
a peremptory knock sounded on the
kitchen door. She wiped her hands
on the apron and found at the door a
low brewed , Insolent looking man , with
a small satchel swung over his shoul
der.
der."Go
"Go and tell j'our mistress I want to
see her , Bridget , " he said , with a
wave of the hand. Madam surveyed
him in silence a moment and then re
plied stiffly , "I don't choose to. "
"Oh , you don't , eh ? Well , now , trot
along , my dear , or I'll have you fired , "
he returned , with a vicious glance.
Mrs. Blank was backing within. To
be so Insulted on her own doorstep was
such a heinous crime that her.resources
failed her. But in a moment she hit
upon a plan that \fould bring this
piece of insolence to abject humility.
Drawing her stately figure up to the
full and fixing on him a gaze of im
perious disdain , she said in measured ,
frigid tones , "I am the lady of the
house. "
Did he quail ? Oh , no !
"Are you ? " he rejoined quickly.
"Why didn't you say so and not keep
me waiting all this time ? I got some
soap here that you want , and"
He was staring at the door while the
bang echoed out over his shoulders in
to the yard. Chicago News.
The German Servants' Ordeal.
The young person who fills so im
portant a place in our domestic ar
rangements as housemaid , parlormaid
or "general" often enough takes a
pride in her appearance , which , though
entirely natural , is sometimes irritat
ing to the less reasonable type of mis
tress. What would she think if it
were necessary for her , as it apparent
ly is in Germany , before taking a place
as domestic servant to provide herself
with a special passbook in which a full
description of her appearance must be
entered ?
This description of the German maid
servant is entered by the police of her
native district and is sometimes dic
tated more by candor than chivalry.
The color of the eyes and hair and the
shape of the nose are all duly chron
icled , and if the constable is of opin
ion that any of these features are
"ugly" he has no hesitation in say
ing so.
What possibilities such a system
suggests ! Imagine the young person
about to start a career as cook present
ing herself before the local constable
to await his verdict on her nose and
lips ! London St James Gazette.
Penance For Sins.
In former times persons guilty of
grievous and notorious offenses were
required to make open confession and ,
further , to make satisfaction for the
scandal given by their bad example by
doing penance publicly in a white sheet
in their parish church. The sheet was
used to show clearly to every one
which was the offender.
The last time that public penance
was done in an English church was
on Sunday evening , July 30 , 1SS2 , when
a man named Hartree , in the church of
All Saints , East Clevedon , made an
open confession of immorality and
promised to perform the penance thus
imposed on him by the vicar.
No white sheet was used on this oc
casion. The last case in which one
was used appears to have been one in
St Bridget's church. Chester , in 1831.
But on that occasion the penance was
not public , the church door being
locked.
In the previous year , however , pub
lic penance in a white sheet was done
in a country church in Essex , and a
similar thing occurred in Ditton church
near Cambridge in 1S49. Stray Stories.
The Ruling1 Passion.
The clergyman had finished , and the
organ was pealing forth the sonorous
rapture of the Mendelssohn march.
"One moment , George , " said the ra
diant bride , and facing the audience
she raised her exquisitely bound ,
though somewhat bulky , prayer book
in her daintily gloved hands and point
ed it directly at the brilliant audience.
There was a sharp click.
"All right , George. " said the bride ;
"come along. "
And as they marched down the aisle
she showed him that the supposed
prayer book wasn't a prayer book at
all. It was a camera.
"It's my own idea , George , " she
whispered. "Clever , isn't itV" Cleve
land Plain Dealer.
The Head Hunters.
In Tupuselei , in New Guinea , the
houses are" built on piles in the open
ocean a good distance from the shore.
The object of this is to protect the In
habitants against sudden attacks of
the kindly head hunters , who always
are on the lookout for victims , whose
heads they need in their business.
Other villages in this happy land are
perched up in all but inaccessible trees
for the same weighty reason.
Tivo Reasons.
"You mustn't play with Mr. Borum's
hat , Bobby , " said a young lady who
was entertaining a caller to her small
brother.
"Why mustn't I ? " asked the young
ster. *
"Because you might break it , " re
plied his sister , "and , besides , he will
want it shortly. " Chicago News.
Traced Back to Eden.
Mr. Dash I have discovered the rea
son why most women like ribbons.
Mrs. Dash Why V
Mr. Dash Because the first woman
was a rib-un herself. Syracuse Her
ald.
HE WORKED DESTRUCTION.
A Sample of AVhat n Fairly Healthy
Cockatoo Can Do.
A light chairv securely fastened on
the cockatoo's leg promised safety , but
he contrived to get within reach of my
new curtains and rapidly devoured
some half yard or so of a hand painted
border , which was the pride of my
heart. Then came an Interval of calm
and exemplary behavior which lulled
me into a false security. Cockle seemed
to have but one object in life , which
was to pull out all "his own feathers ,
and by evening the dining room often
looked as though a white fowl had
been plucked in it.
I consulted a bird doctor , but as
Cockle's health was perfectly good and
his diet all that could be recommended ,
it was supposed he only plucked himself
for want of occupation , and firewood
was recommended as a substitute.
This answered very well , and he spent
his leisure In gnawing sticks of deal
o'nly when no one chanced to be in the
room he used to unfasten the swivel
of his chain , leave it dangling on the
stand and descend in search of his
playthings. When the fire had not
been lighted , I often found half the
coals pulled out of the grate and the
firewood in splinters. At last , with
warmer weather , both coals and wood
were removed , so the next time Master
Cockle found himself short of a Job he
set to work on the dining room chairs ,
first pulled out all their bright nails
and next tore holes in the leather ,
through which he triumphantly
dragged the stuffing.
At one time he went on a visit for
some weeks and ate up everything
within his reach in that friendly estab
lishment. His "bag" for one afternoon
consisted of a venerable fern and a
large palm , some library books , news
papers , a pack of cards and an arm
chair. And yet every one adores him ,
and he is the spoiled child of more than
one family. Cornhill.
LIKED THE POORHOUSE.
AVouId Not Leave It to Go For Money
That Belonged to Him.
"I won't go out ! I won't leave here
for anything ! "
Such was the amazing declaration of
a pauper attendant in an east end Lon
don workhouse on being told by an
agent that he was entitled to some
money. And the man the son of a
post captain in the navy meant all
that he said. Not an inch would he
budge , nor would he sign any paper ,
and it was only by taking a commis
sioner down to him that the fund
could be recovered.
Whether because It was only a com
paratively small sum or whether be
cause he was a worker , the guardians
made no claim on it. Accordingly , at
his request , it was split , and two ac
counts were opened on his behalf in
the PostolHce Savings bank. But , for
all that , he continued to remain in the
workhouse.
Meanwhile he was very anxious that
his wife should not know he was alive
in fact , he denied that he was mar
ried. His life partner , however , called
at the agent's office to inquire about
the case , though she begged that her
husband might not be told of her
whereabouts. She was in a fairly
good position , earning as she did a liv
ing by keeping a ladies' school , and
once or twice her reprobate husband
had turned up in an intoxicated condi
tion and raised a commotion that had
scandalized her pupils. The ill sorted
pair were , therefore , not brought into
communication.
Never would the pauper legatee leave
the workhouse. He remained there till
his death , whereupon , having left no
will , the money he had scorned to use
passed to his wife. CasselPs Saturday
Journal.
How to Give.n Cat Medicine.
A New York gentleman has a very
fine Angora cat. and so fine a specimen
of her kind that she is famous in a
large circle of fashionable folk. She is
not rugged in health , yet she cannot be
persuaded to take physic. It has been
put in her milk , it has been mixed with
her meat , it has even been rudely and
violently rubbed in her mouth , but nev
er has she boon deluded or forced into
swallowing any of it. Last week a
green Irish girl appeared among the
household servants. She heard about
the failure to treat the cat. "Sure , "
said she , "give me the medicine and
some lard , and I'll warrant she'll be
ating all I give her ! " She mixed the
powder and the grease and smeared it
on the cat's sides. Pussy at once licked
both sides clean and swallowed all the
physic. "Faith , " said the servant girl ,
"everybody in Ireland does know how
to give medicine to a cat ! "
lending : a. Rook.
A writer in the New York Medical
Journal says that the curved pages of
the ordinary book are injurious to the
eye of the reader. The curvature ne
cessitates a constant change of the fo
cus ofthe eye as it reads from one side
to another , and the ciliary muscles are
under a constant strain. Moreover ,
the light falls unequally upon both
sides of the page , further interfering
with a continued clear field of vision.
It is suggested that the difficulty might
be obviated if the lines should be print
ed parallel to the binding instead of at
right angles to it.
Golf.
The game of golf was put down by
an act of parliament in Scotland in
1841 as a nuisance. Then fines were
inflicted on people who were found
guilty of playing the game , for it inter
fered with the practice of archery , as
men preferred wielding the club to
pulling the bow.
An Exception.
In the treatment of skin diseases it
is said that the rays of the sun are
quite efficacious. They can't cure
freckles , however. Bradford Era.
James AVIiltuomh Rllcy's Joke.
James Whitcomb Riley and Nye were
a peculiar pair. Tlujy were everlast
ingly playing practical jokes.
I remember when we were riding to
gether in the smoking compartment
between Columbus and Cincinnati. Mr.
Nye was a great smoker , and Mr. Riley
did not dislike tobacco. An old farm
er came over to Mr. Nye and said :
"Are you Mr. Riley ? I heard you
was on the train. "
"No , I am not Mr. Riley. He Is over
there. ' '
"I knew his father , and I would like
to speak with him. "
"Oh , speak with him , yes. But he Is
deaf , and you want to speak loud. "
So the farmer went over to him and
said in a loud voice :
"Is this Mr. Riley ? "
"Er what ? "
"Is this Mr. Riley ? "
"What did you say ? "
"Is this Mr. Riley ? "
"Riley , yes. "
"I knew your father. "
"No bother. "
"I kuew your father. "
"What ? "
"I knew your father. "
"Oh , so did I ! "
And in a few moments the farmer
heard him talking in an ordinary tone
of voice. Saturday Evening Post.
Tire Ladies of FuHhioii Meet.
A family living in a North Side flat
welcomed a new housemaid last week.
The girl had just come from Michigan ,
and her appearance was prepossess
ing. Soon after her advent it was dis
covered that she was inclined to treat
the family with a patronizing air.
"Mary , you must do better , or I shall
have to find some one to take your
place , " the mistress remarked the oth
er morning.
"I don't allow any one to speak to
me that way , " replied Mary , with a
toss of her head. "I'm just as good as
you are , and I want you to know it. "
Mary flounced out of the room and
returned in two minutes with the
weekly paper from her town. Among
the social items was the following :
"Miss Mary Hanson has gone to Chicago
cage to spend the winter. Miss Han
son is an acknowledged belle in the
leading circles of Sawdust Creek. "
Mary waited until her employer had
had time to read the "personal , " and
then she said with withering scorn :
"As I have always been accustomed
to going with the best in my town and
as I don't believe you ever have your
name on the society page of the Sun
day papers I guess I can't afford to
stay with you. "
The North Side woman declared the
domestic incident closed. Chicago In
ter Ocean.
Unique AVay of Identification.
The Sauuterer happened to be in a
prominent bank , where he saw an iden
tification effected in the most unique
way yet heard of. A young railroad
man came hurrying in with a check to
cash. He was not known in the bank
except by one man , and he , of course ,
was out.
"Well , here's niy railroad pass , " said
he , producing the transportation card
made out in his name. "Will this do ? "
The cashier took it and compared
the indorsement on the back with the
writing on the pass.
"That won't do you any good , " said
the owner. "All our passes are made
out before we get them. "
"I guess it's all right , " said the cash
ier hesitatingly. "Haven't you some
thing else ? "
"Well , " was the answer after a mo
ment's thought , "I've got an itemized
dentist's bill in my pocket , and you
can compare it with the fillings in my
teeth , " and he displayed the latter in
a broad grin , which secured for him
the money. Philadelphia Inquirer.
? Iade His Bed.
On returning from the barn early
one morning the old man found his
wife in tea is.
"Wha'cher cryin about. Melissy ? "
he iuqiiircd.
" 'Nother--oue uv our darters was
stole las' night , " she sobbed.
"The redheaded un ? " he asked la
conically.
"Yes pore Mag she was the best
gal"
"Bob Scuttles V"
"Uv course. Hasn't been no other
feller waitin on her. Ain't you goin to
pursue after 'em an arrest 'im ? "
"Uv course not , " he replied sternly.
"I'm not under obligations to help Bob
Scuttles out uv no difficulty. Let him
go ahead and work out his sentence ,
same's I've been a-doiu fur the las' 40
year. " New York Truth.
A "Knock-turn. "
When J. A. MacNeill Whistler lived
in Chelsea , his peculiarities soon made
him a familiar figure even among the
bargemen , who got to know him as the
artist of their beloved Thames. One
afternoon , while sauntering along the
embankment. Whistler was confronted
by a man who had one eye most ef
fectively blackened. The artist stop
ped and inquired , "What's the matter ,
my good fellow V" The man touched
his hat. "Oh. nothing , sir merely a
knock-turn in blue and green ! " San
Francisco Wave.
A Long ; AVny Afterthought.
"That was a pleasing afterthought
of yours , " remarked the old preacher
who had listened to a sermon by one
of his youngest brethren , "when you
drew upon the analogies of nature to
prove the immortality of the soul. "
"An afterthought ? " said the younger-
clergyman in some perplexity.
"Yes. You thought of it about 2,400
years after Socrates. " Chicago Trib
une.
In Bavaria each family on Easter
Sunday brings to the churchward fire
a walnut branch , which , after being
partially burned , "is carried home to
be laid on the hearth during tempests
as a protection against lightning. "
THE GALLUP FAMILY.
AN EVENING OF LAMENTATIONS DY
THE AILING WIFE.
She Knew Her Time For Departure
For the Other World Hml Come ,
and She AVnn AnxlotiN to Itccooe tin
Anted , but There "Were DrawlmckB.
S
[ Copyright. 1900 , by C. B. Lewis. ]
Mr. Gallup had finished his supper ,
removed his coat and shoes and sat
down In the rocking chair to read the
copy of The Chemung County Gazette
be had brought home from the post-
ofiice when Mrs. Gallup dropped down
on the lounge with a sigh and began :
"Samuel , If you could spare a dyiii
woman three or four minits of your
time I should like to talk to you. I
know you don't like to be bothered
when you are readin , and I wouldn't
say a word If It was only a bile on my
leg or one of my back aches , but It's
more serious than that , Samuel fur
more serious. "
Mr. Gallup stretched his legs out to
their fullest extent and made his toes
crack , but he never looked up from his
paper.
"I don't want to give you no sudden
shock , " continued Mrs. Gallup as the
tears began to stream down her cheeks
and her nose to twitch , "but It's my
duty to tell you , so you kin prepare
yourself. Samuel , you'll be a widow
before Saturday night ! Tonight Is
Tuesday night. Before sundown on
Saturday night the funeral will be
over , I'll be an angel , and you'll be free
to go out somewhere every evenln and
play checkers. Do you hear me , Sam
uel ? "
Mr. Gallup may or may not have
heard her , but if he did he paid not the
slightest attention.
"Yes ; I've got my call to go , " she re
sumed as she wiped her eyes on her
"SPARE A DYIN WOMAN THREE OR FOUR
MIXITS. "
apron. "I've had rheumatiz , fever ,
consumption and heart disease , and
many and many a time I've expected
to go , but I have never felt like this
before. My heart goes tunk , tunic ,
tunk , my lungs seem to be hitchin
around , and now and then my breath
shuts off on me the same as if I had
got caught in a hole in the fence. Mrs.
Watkins was took this very way be
fore she died , and so was Mr. Comfort.
It may come tonight , or it may be de
layed till toiuorrer , but within a day
or two I'll be an angel. You won't
blame me fur dyin , will you. Samuel V"
Mr. Gallup turned his paper over ,
pulled in his feet and crossed his legs ,
but made no reply.
"Folks can't help dyin , Samuel that
is , I can't. I hate to go before I've
made the soft soap and put up the fall
pickles , but I can't help myself. It
was so with Mrs. Watkins. She had
the soap grease all ready and was all
ready to dye rags fur a new carpet , but
when Gabriel's horn sounded she had
to spread her wings. You'll miss the
soft soap. Samuel , fur you're a great
hand to wash up , and you'll miss the
pickles , fur you love sour things , but
will you miss me ? "
Mr. Gallup held the paper in his left
hand and reached down his right to
scratch his heel through his sock , but
he was dumb. Mrs. Gallup looked at
him through her tears for a time and
then choked down a sob and said :
"Well , if you don't miss me I can't
help it. I've allus had hot water ready
when you wanted to wash your feet ,
and you've never found me without
stickin salve fur sore fingers. I've
nursed you through colic and sot up
with you through fever. You've never
had to tell me my bread was heavy or
the biscuit tasted of saleratus. And
when I'm laid away. Samuel , you'll re
member that I wore the same bonnet
and shawl fur 21 years and that I
allus made a pair of shoes last three
years. Haven't I done purty well all
things considered ? "
Mr. Gallup might have agreed with
her , but if he did he didn't say so
aloud. He crossed his legs the other
way and scratched the other heel , and
when Mrs. Gallup could restrain her
tears she observed :
"I ain't leavin this house the way
some wives would , Samuel. When I
am gone , you'll find j-our shirts and
socks and everything in the usual
place , and you won't have to sew on a
button. I'll even scald out the teapot
and scour out the dishpan if I have
time. If angels can look down from
heaven , then I want to look down and
see that I've left everything in order.
I want to ask you about angels , Sam
uel. Are they all old or young angels ,
or are they sorter mixed up ? Will I
be set back 30 or 40 years , or will I be
an old woman angel ? "
She looked directly at Mr. Gallup
and waited for a reply , but he was
reading how to make a hammock out
of a flour barrel , and he paid no heed
to the question.
"And are all angels purty , Samuel ? "
she continued after awhile. "I've nev
er been purty since I was a baby and
fell out of the winder , but If I've got
to be an angel I want my face made
sver as soon as I get up there. I'm not
goin to be p'inted our fur my homeli
ness as I fly around. If I was , I know
I'd make up faces at some of 'em.
Will I bo ? lmuged In the
purty ns the rest
an eye and made as
* * * * *
f\f rti
smile flitted over
Something like n
the fncc of Mr. Gnllup , but It was prob
ably caused by the article he was read-
itllT
"And about the music. Samuel ? I
can't play on no harp without reasons.
I have never even seen a harp. When
we was first married , I used to play
on the accordion fur you , but It was
awful poor playln , and you soon got
sick of It. Is it golu to be expected
that I kin fly right up to heaven and
hegiu playln on a harp the very first
thing ? If it Is. then I dunne as I
want to die. I never could a-bear havln
J folks laugh at me. And the singin ,
Samuel the singin ! My voice is cracked -
( , ed , and I sing through my nose , and Is
! that goln to do up there ? I s'pose I
[ could walk around with a robe on and
talk and visit , but I can't sing nor
play , and they needn't expect It. Sam
uel , shall we talk about whether you'd
better take a second wife or not ?
Sometimes I think you had , and some
times I think 3-011 hadn't. What do
you think ? "
Mr. Gallup turned from the ham
mock article to one on natural gas In
Ohio , and he extended his legs again
and prepared to digest It thoroughly.
It might have occurred to him that
Mrs. Gallup was In the room and that
she or some one else was talking to
him. but he answered not. Ten min
utes had gone by when he finished the
article and looked up and around as if
he had suddenly missed something.
Mrs. Gallup lay curled up on the
f
lounge fast asleep , and in the cor
ner of each eye still glistened a big-
tear. M. QUAD.
HER "SUSPICION CURE. "
It Made Life One I.lnjcerliiK- Honey
moon For Mrs. .Tones' Adviser.
"I would be quite happy if my hus
band would not spend so much of his
time at his club , " said Mrs. Jones , with
a sigh.
"Why don't 3-011 try the suspicion
cure ? " said her intimate friend.
"What in the name of Susan B. An
thony is the suspicion cure ? " asked
Mrs. Jones in amazement.
"Well , my husband got in the habit
of spending his evenings at his club ,
and I worried over it for some time be
fore I hit upon a plan to keep' him at
home. At first I pleaded with him ,
telling him how lonely I was at home
when he was away , but he would only
laugh and promise to be home early ,
which meant midnight or later. Then
I changed my tactics. Instead of ask
ing him to remain at home I urged him
to go to his club. The way he raised
his eyebrows the first time I suggested
it showed me I was on the right tack ,
and I resolved to keep it up. One night
when he came home for dinner he an
nounced that he had a severe headache
and would remain home for the even
ing. I opposed the idea and pointed
out that an evening at his club would
cause him to forget his headache and
do it good. lie gave me a hard look ,
but acted on the suggestion and left
for his club. Something told me that
he would be back within an hour , so I
made an elaborate toilet and waited
for him to return. He came home , as I
expected , with the plea that his head
Avas worse and that he couldn't stand
the noise at the club. I condoled with
him and ignored his question concern
ing my elaborate toilet. He hasn't
been away for an evening since. It is
almost like the old honeymoon , only he
appears to have something on his mind
that he is not entirely satisfied about. "
London Answers.
Iluldncss.
It has been found on study of 300
cases of loss of hair that baldness pre
vails most with unmarried mon , which
is contrary to the general belief. The
worries of the bachelor may be fewer ,
but they are more trying to the scalp
than are the multitudinous cares of
the man of family. Most bald people
are found to lead indoor lives , and al
most all of them belong to the intel
lectual class. Usually the loss of hair
begins before the thirtieth year. In
woman it usually constitutes a gen
eral thinning ; in men it affects the top
of the head. Diseases that affect the
general nutrition of the body are like
ly to thin the hair. Heredity is a
factor. If one has baldheaded an
cestors , all the drugs of the pharma-
copccia will not bring out flowing locks.
Argonaut.
Four to One.
An English officer in Malta stopped
in riding to ask a native the way. He
was answered by a shrug of the shoul
ders and a "No speak English. "
"You're a fool then , " said the officer.
But the man knew enough English to
ask :
"Do you understand Maltese ? "
"No. "
"Do you know Arabic ? "
"No. "
"Do you know Italian ? "
"No. "
"Do you know Greek ? "
"No. "
"Then you four fools. I only one ! "
Youth's Companion.
An Incredulous Lawmaker.
It is recalled that when the projector
of the railroad up Mount Washington
sought a charter from the New Hamp
shire legislature one of the lawmaker *
! , blVPr * on thc subJcct , said !
Give the fool permission , but he might
as well ask for a railroad to the moon ! "
But the railroad is still running to the
Tip Top House.-Buffalo Commercial.
A married man says that
a wife
should be like a roast lamb-tender wS
sweet , nicely dressed
, but without
sauce.-Chicago News.