"Ilaik Too Pflnch. "
Anwi Convulsed by th Sharp
/Repartee of a Proverbially Ellen1
"Man.
"Judiro" Bacon of thalloek Island
one ot the best known and most pop
ular railroad men in the West , and
who is known here at his homo nt a
man of few words , was oneol a merry
party of six at a famous public re
sort the other evening. The Judge
sipped his wine in silence and listened
patiently , and at times with appar
ent pleasure , to the witticisms of his
companions. In the party wasa Chicago
cage man , who , after he had partak
en of a few glasses of wine , prow
more Minn merry , though not quite
boisterous , and monopolized the en
tire time with the recital ot a lot of
stale chestnuts. * After an hour or
more of almost ceaseless babble the
Chicago chestnut repository slapped
Judge Bacon on the baclc and vocif
erated :
' Why don't you say something ,
old fel ? Wake up and tell us a
story. ' '
Here was the Judge's opportunity ,
and he improved it.
"On an occasion of this kind , and
under similar circumstances. " ho
said gravely , "I am always reminded
of the poll parrot thatsat on a perch
in front of a bird fancier's. Thepar-
rot was a , very bright bird , but often
kept up his chatter so long as to
make it irksome to his hearers. One
day , as the parrot sat nodding on
his perch , a couple of cur dogs look
ed neither to the right nor to the
left , but straight ahead , until sud
denly the parrot fairly iiissed ; 'Sick
'em. '
"Then the dogs turned and calmly
surve3'ed each other. They were
about to trot off in opposite direc
tions when the parrot " again shouted :
" 'Sick'em. "
"This was too much /or the dogs , "
continued the Judge , "and they turn
ed and grappled. They fought for
several minutes , to the great glee ot
the parrot , which has caused the
trouble. Finally the curs seemed to
be satisfied , let go of each other's
ears and started in opposite direct
ions again , when the parrot yelled :
" ' ' '
'Sick 'em.
"The two dogs caught sight of
the parrot at once. They seamed to
form a mutual alliance ior offense , if
not defense , and they pulled that
parrot off his perch and trounced
him roundly , concluding by rolling
him in the muddy gutter. When the
dogs letup on him the parrot hopped
back on his perch , sadly the worse
for the encounter. He scratched the
mud out of his eyes , smoothed
his ruffled feathers as best he could ,
and then slowly ejaculated :
" 'Well , I'll be d-d. I guess I talk
to much. '
"From that day on , " concluded
the Judge , "the parrot never spoke. "
Those who had listened to Judge
Bacon's parrot story burst out with
a roar of laughter. The Chicago
man. who had been talking incessant
ly for hours , "saw the point , " and ,
like the parrot , was silent lor the re
mainder of the evening , Cincinnati
Enquirer.
An American in London.
There is a wide difference between
the London drug store and ours-
There is no such craze for patent
medicines there as here , nothing like
the American inclination for every
man to be his own doctor. An En
glish druggist sells face powder ,
sologne , soap , tooth-brashes , patent
pills , and the like , but his main busi _
nessis putting up prescriptions.
He has no clientele of men who drop
in for a little aromatic spirits of
ammonia afteranightofdissipation ,
for acid phosphate after too much
smoking , or for tincture of iron and
so many grains of quinine , or a glass
of Calisaya fora tonic , or a teaspoonful -
spoonful of bicarbonate of soda to
offset too hearty or rich a meal. All
that which so enriches our druggists
is unknown in England. The Amer
icans in London last summer found
this out to their cost. One of them
told me that he had this queer ex
perience. He asked a druggist for a
draught of iron 'and quinine.
"Oh , we can't give you that with
out a prescription , you know , " the
man replied.
The American persisted , but the
druggist was firm.
"Well , can you give me an ounce
of tincture of iron ? "
"Yes , sir. "
"And two , two-grain quinine pills ? "
"Yes , sir. "
"Will you lend me a tumbler with
a little water in it ? "
"Yes , sir. "
Having all these things , the Amer
ican dropped a dozen drops of iron
in the water , and took that and the
pellets down with a gulp. The
druggist looked on with keen inter
est , and then said , very gravely :
"Do you know , I call that very
neat. It is very neat indeed. "
I had an experience , all my own , in
Lock & Go's hat store in St. James
Street. The aged proprietor dis
plays ancient helmets and caps in
his window which is kept scrupulous
ly dusty. Noting this , I said , "this
mns.t be a very old store indeed. "
"Store ? " said the man. "It's no
store at all ; it's a shop , sir. I call a
store a place for the sale of a miscel
laneous lot of goods ; but this is a
mop , sir. You "ought to be more
. areful in your use of terms. "
If that was rudeness and I do not
enow how great he considered hig
jrovocation it wastheonlv rude-
I xyerienced from any shop
keeper. Hut 1 learned from that in *
cident not to say store. And before
'
fore I left London'I had swelled my
index expurgatorium to the extent
that I seldom used the following
words : Guess ; yes , sir ; glass ( for
tumbler ) ; railroad ; horse-car ; cents ;
fix ; store ; or pad of paper. ' 'Block
of paper , " they said , when I at last
got them to understand that I want
ed a pad. "Guess" and "fix" are
pure Americans , and are to bo used
or not as you want to attract curi
ous attention or avoid it ; but the
most difficult thing for many Amer
icans in England was to avoid ' 'sir"
to a stranger who addressed them
or to an old gentleman. "Yes , sir , "
and "no sir , " over there are the ver-
balinsignia of a servant. Harper's
Weekly.
A Stranger's Bluff.
There were a dozen of us in a
smoking car on the Lake Erie and
Western during the closing daj's of
the last presidential campaign , and
of course we compared notes.
"Gentlemen , " said a New Jersey
banker , "I'll bet § 20,000 on Harri
son. "
"llight now ? " asked a man who
came forward all ofa sudden , having
an old carpetbag in his hand.
"Y yes. sir. "
"P. y. w. , which means produce
your wad , " said the stranger , and
opening his carpetbag he took out a
roll of bills as big as your leg.
"That is , I will bet § 20,000 that
he gets the popular vote , " stammer
ed the banker.
"C. d. w. t. r. , which means come
down with the rhino , " replied the
stranger as he fished for his boodle
again ,
"I I haven't gotS20,000 with
me , but I'll I'll see you later. "
"Exactly. Any of the rest of j'ou
gentlemen anything to say ? "
"I bank on Cleveland , " remarked
one.
"H. m. d. y. b. , which means how
much do 3'ou bank ? " asked the
stranger , as he waved his wad on
high.
"Oh , I don't care to bet. "
"Does any one else ? "
No one did , and he took up his
carpetbag and retreated into the
next car. I found him there an hour
later , and asked :
"Were you betting or bluffing ? "
"Here's the roll and you can judge
for yourself , " he replied , as he took
it out.
I'm telling you straight when I
say he had $23 in bills wrapped
around an old piece of canvas not
a dollar more.
" 1 hain't got no aristocratic blood
in me , " he said , as he put the roll
away again , "and I hain't purty nor
smart. For these reasons I criner-
ally travel with an effset , which the
same is this , 'C. a. s. m. , ' which
means come and see me with any
thing in the shape of a bet. " Nevr
York Sun.
What Whales Eat.
The surface waters in the Gult
Stream teem with minute life of all
kinds. There the young of larger
animals exist , microscopic in size
and adult animals , which nevprgrow
large enough to be plainly visible to
the naked eye , occur in immense
quantities. By dragging a fine silk
net behind the vessel , these minute
forms are easily taken ; and , when
placed in glass dishes , millions un
counted are swimming backward and
forward. When looked at through
a microscope we see young jellyfishes -
fishes , the young of barnacles , crabs
and shrimps , besides the adult mi
croscopic specieswhich are very a bun-
daut. The toothless whale finds in
these his only food. Rushing
through the water- with mouth wide
open , by means of his whalebone
strainers the minute forms are sep
arated from the water. Swallowing
those obtained after a short period
of straining he repeats the operation.
The abundance of this kind oflifecan
be judged from the fact that nearly
all kinds of whale exist exclusively
upon these animals , most of them so
small that they are not noticed on
the surfae. Popular Science Monthly
ly-
Chicago Street Scene.
Peter Lynch was awarded a ver
dict for § 485 in his suit before Judge
McConnell against the Chicago lum
ber company for § 1,500. Lynch has
an extensive cabbage patch near the
corner of Ashland avenue and Thirty-
fifth otreet. Immediately north is
the lumber company's planing mill.
He claims that in the Hummer of
1883 the defendants heaped a huge
pile of shavings behind their mill ,
and the wind distributed them over
his cabbages. The crop of 1883 was
buried out ofsight and ruined , while ,
Lynch says , the ground was so pois
oned by the shavings that it was un
productive all the following year.
Chicago Times.
Caught Up by the Locomotive
Pilot.
Judge Sterling Watts , one of the
most prominent citizens of Tazeweli
county , Va. , had a most miraculous
escape from a terrible death a few i
days ago. He was riding a very
wild young horse near the depot
when the train came in sight. This
so frightened the horse that he be
came frantic and jumped before the
advancing engine , and was caught
up on the pilot and carried somesev-
? nty-five yards before the engine
could be stopped. Judge Watts was
unhurt , but the two hind legs of the
horse were broken and he had to be
shot. Richmond Dispatch.
A Life Komance.
Afashionablo physician told an in.
teresting experience the other day.
Thirty yearn ago ho was a boy in
one of the villages near New York.
Like most latin of his ago , he had a
sweetheart , with whom he used to
attend prayer meeting , parties and
other affairs. Like some other vil
lage maidens , this maid was capri
cious , and one fine day she coolly gave ,
him the go-by for some other fellow.
To add insult to injury , she badgered
him about his prospects , and asked
tauntingly what he was going to do
when he grew up to be a man. Oh !
he was going to be a doctor , and a
great doctor. She laughed and said
contemptuously , as only wicked ,
heart-breaking girls can , that he'd
never amount to much because her
mother had told her that he was very
stupid.
"Well , that's all right- , " responded
our doctor , grimly. You'll hear from
mo some dny because I am going to
make a success of it. "
The village lad kept his word. He
became a famous doctor , and at
tended some of the most celebrated
persons in the United States. He
rose constantly in his profession , and
had almost forgotten his village
maid when one day , not so very long
ago , he received a note from her ask
ing if ho was the same person she
had known as a boy. He replied
courteously , but without unnecessary
words , that he was.
About two weeks later the lady
called on him at his office. She was
gray-haired and matronly. She had
seen his name hundreds of times in
the public prints , but had supposed
that it must be some one other than
her former admirer. Then she asked
if he would do her a favor. Her hus
band had had reverses and was at
present a sort of demented paralytic.
She was too poor to provide for him ,
and had vainly tried to have him ad
mitted to one of the hospitals for
incurables. The doctor gave her a
note to the superintendent of the
hospital with which he happened to
be connected , that was tantamount
to an order for the admission of the
patient.
Two months after the husband
died in the institution , and the widow
called to thank the doctor for his
services. A tear glistened in her eye ,
and , with a deep sigh , she hinted at
how different things might have been
if her mother hadn't forbidden her
to have anything more to do with
the stupid village lad. Tlu doctor ,
who saw the ticklish ground that the
widow was treading , rapidly changed
the subject , and soon after bowed
the lady out , with much dignity , to
receive one of his high-priced patients.
But Ii3 was very absent-minded , and
shocked his new caller considerably
by the diffident manner in which he
asked after her . symptoms. His
mind was with the Hudson river vil
lage girl of 30 vears ago. New York
Star.
Came to 8ee Sail and Dick.
From the New York Times.
Amongthe immigrants who landed
yesterday at the Barge Office was a
female stowaway who had crossed
the opean in the White Star steam
ship Teutonic. She was a tall , mat
ronly looking woman and was well
dressed for one passing through tha
Barge Office. She gave her name as
Mrs. John Jones and said that she
was about fifty years old. Her home
is near Queenstown and her husband
is an old sailor and a pensioner of the
British government. A. few yeairs
ago her daughter came to this coun
try with a letter to the late Father
Riordan , who found agood situation
for her. The girl wrote home a num
ber of times to her mother. The lat
ter longed to see her daughter and
her son Dick , who had also cornc to
this country.
Last Thursday morning when she
saw the Teutonic entering Queens-
town Harbor the old woman put on
her best clothes aiid said she was go
ing to America to see Sally and Dick.
As she did not have a penny in her
pocket her husband did not take her
at her word. At the dock she board
ed the White Star tender and was
transferred to the Teutonic. When
the vessel was out at sea the purser
asked her for her ticket. Although
she had neither ticket nor money ,
the purser was not harsh with her.
"Sure , he couldn't help but trp.it
me decent , " she said , ' because I was
respectable. " During the voyage
she was treated as well as the other
immigrant women. Gen. O'Bierne
directed that she should be detained
at the Barge Office while he endeav
ored to find either Sally or Dick.
America's Defenselossness.
There is nothing pleasant in the
testimony given by Gen. Nelson A.
Miles , of the United States army , be
fore a senate investigating commit
tee. He said that the entire Pacific
coast is dofeujsclwss and that during
ten days the British fleet could de
stroy every town and city on Puget
sound , destroy our railroad system
there and occupy our outlets for
that northwestern country. An en
' could the Colum
emy's ships go xtp
bia" river and destroy the city of
Portland. There is not an earth
work nor a single artillery soldier on
Puget sound. South of the harbor
of San Francisco there is .tot a single
un in position , nor a soldier to de
fend the harbors and cities of San
Diego , Santa Barbara ana San Ped
ro. The city of San Francisco is ab
solutely open to attack by an eno-
rav's fleet.
The - First - National - Bank. -
CAPITAL AND SURPLUS : AUTHORIZED CAPITAL'
$60,000. $100,000.
GEOIMJE HOCKNELL , President. B. BL FREES , Vice President. YT. F , LM7SON , Cashier.
A. CAMPBELL , Director. S. L. GREEN. Director. _ _
zens Bank o ! MeGook ,
INCORPORATED UNDEH STATE LAWS.
Paid Op Capital , © 50,000.
nking ' Business.
i. Collections made on nil ncccBslblr prints. Drafts Cr-wn directly
" * ' * . for uou-
" on principal cities of Europe. Tuxes palit
rcstdtuts. Money to loan on farming lands ,
city and personal property.
TIC1ETS FOR SiLE TO AND FROM EUROPE.
OFFICEUS :
V. FRANKLIN , Tresldcnk. JOHN R. CLARK , Vice Prcs.
A. C. EBERT , Cashier. THOS. I. GLASSCOTT , Ass. Cash.
CORUESPOXMENTS :
The First National Bank , Lincoln , Nebraska.
The. Chemical National Bank , New York City.
G-eneral Banking Business.
) o (
Interest paid on deposits by special agree ? ,
ment.
Money loaned on personal property , good signatures - >
natures or satisfactory collateral.
Drafts drawn on the principal cities of thft
United States and Europe. .
OFFICERS :
C. E. SHAW , Pres , JAY OLKKY , Vice Prea ,
CHAS. A. VAN PELT , Cash. P. A. WELLS , Asst. Cash.
PETER PENNER
wishes to announce that his stock pf
BIS
is complete , and also directs attention to his line of
WHITE RUBBER TRIMMED HARNESS ,
finest ever brought to Western Nebraska.
"West Dennison St. McCOOK , NEBRASKA.
$ SOOOO.OO !
TO LOAN ON
Improved Farms in Red Willow County
AT 8i PER CENT. 8 $
cm-
McCook Loan and Trust Co ,
FFicE IN FIRST NATIONAL BANK.
( S'ircfe ' Front Ibtver y
GRAY & EIKENBERRY , Props.
The .Best Equipment in the Republican Valley ,
ft
: DEA'ERS IN !
LUMBER !
Sash , Doors , Blinds , Lime , Cement ,
HAED AND SOFT COAL.
C. H. BOYLE ,
LAND - ATTORNEY ,
Six year * ' experience in Government
Laud Cases.
Real Estate , Leans ani Insurance.
NOTARY PUBLIC.
E Office upstairs in the Bcott bnilding ,
south of Commercial Ilotel , McCoolf , Neb.
THE COMMERCIAL - HOTEL ,
GEC. E. JOHNSON , Prop.
McCOOK , - NEBRASKA.
This house has been compl tely renovctod
nid refurnished throughout , and is first-class
in every respect. Rates reaEOnabel.
IT
A. J. RITTEXHOUSE , "W. R. STARK ,
McCoolc. Indlanohv
RITTEXHOUSE & STARR ,
YSATLAW
ATTORNE YS-AT -
OFFICES AT
McCOOK and IMMAKOI..A. .
J. BYRON JENNINGS ,
ATTORNEY - AT - LAW-
practice in the state and United State *
courts , and before the U. S. Land offices ,
Careful attention given to collections
Ofl.'ce over the Nebraska Lean and Bankinfc
Co. , McCook. _
THOS. GOLFER ,
ATTORNEY - AT - LAW
AND NOTARY PUBLIC.
Peal Estate Boucht and Sold and Collec
tions made. Money Loaned on real estata
and rinal prrof. Agtnt Lincoln Land Co.
Office in Phillips-Meeker block.
- . . . _ - - - -
HUGH TV. COLE ,
LAWYER.
TIcCOOK , - NEBRASKA.
"Will rract'ce In ali courts. Commercial
end Corporation law a specialty. y
9IOIVEY TO LOAY.
Jlooms 4 and 5 First NatlonalBank Building.- .
Dr. A. P.
HOZIEOPATHIC
PHYSICIAN AND SUKGEON ,
OTcCOOK , - NEBRASKA ,
. attention g' ' en to dlw.ses of oaea
and Children. The latest impro-e4 methods at
Electncitv used in all cases requ rine such treat
ment. Office OTfr McMillen's Dr-s Store. Rea-
idence , : Sorth M h > Street. -
B. B. DAVIS , M. I > . C. II. JOXES , M. D.
DA vis & JONES ,
PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS ,
JfcCOO/i , _ XEVKASKA.
OFFICE HOURS : 9 to 11 a. ra. ; 2 too p. m.
rto9p.B3. Rooms : Over First National bank. %
The BEST SALTZ In the world forcnU. brnlsei ,
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Capped bante , chilblains , corns , and all ikla
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eqnired. It Is guaranteed to give perfect iat ! >
action or .uoney refunded. Price S5 nU pw
icx. I tale by J. HclIUlea.