THE FIRST PARTY *
t < - '
Do vou notice that young fellow
EyeYof blue and moustache yellow ?
ille's'so happy that he can't conceal his joj.
* ' . . AVbyl
t " He's a aaddv t
He's a papal
He's the father of a bouncing baby boy.
"What n grin expands his features
As he greets his fellow ere turcs
"When he meets them la the morning coming
down.
My !
How he slaps you !
How he grips you !
'
He Is certainly the craziest ma'n in town.
And he never tires of telling
P" " * What the baby weighed , or dwelling
On Its beauty and Its rare intelligence.
Yet-
We'll not tell him
Though we're certain
That It'e like all other babes In looks and sense.
Coliimbuv Dispatch.
THE CALICO EEOCK.
It wasn't a hot fay , nor a cold day ,
nor a dump day , but it was an atro
cious day , a clammy day , an unbeara
ble day , a day that made your clothes
stick to yon like poor relations , that
brought out cold sweats on pitchers
and goblets , that made your back a
race course for contemptible little
chills and the rest of your body a tar
get for a thousand invincible pins and
needles , that made the grasshopper a
burden and the dusty , begr'mmed city
a pandonionium , that made Solomon
Griggs , batchelor , of the firm of
Grigcs , Makein & Co. , the great cloth
ing merchants , shut up his ledger with
n bang and start for the country by the
next train , remarking to old Grimcsby ,
the head clerk , "that the city was stif
ling. " To which that worthy replied :
, "So it is ; but how about the fellers that
can't get out of it and must stay to be
choked ? " a problem which I suspect
our friend of the firm of Griggs , Ma-
tem & Co. troubled his head very'little
about , being just then busy in looking
into the dusty recesses of that picture
'gallery which memory furnishes and
arranges for us all , at a single land
scape hanging there. Alow house with
mossoverhanging caves , standing on
the slope of a green hill , shaded by
branching elms , witli level fields stretch
ing off in the foreground toward the
sparkling water on one side and dusky
woods on the other , and there , dusty ,
sweating , and 4ired. Solomon found
himself just about sunset. Out came a
ruddy-cheeked , smil ng old lady in a
cap and apron , that had attained a
state of snowy perfection unknown to
cily laundresses.
Why. bless mo. if it isn't little Sol.
why. who'd a thought of seeing
you ? " and she folded the stalwart
bearded man in as warm an embrace
ns though he w.orc in reality still the
little Sol. of former da vs.
"And how do you do. Sol. ? Come in ,
come in ; don't stand out there. You
"know the little path and the way to the
pantry yet. I dare saj" . Come in ; \ on
needn't start bick its onlvRachel. "
"But I didn't know you , had any
young ladies with you. Aunt Hester. "
' It's only Rachel , I tell you Rachel
Hart , the seamstress. Arc there no
women in your c ty , that you are
afraid to face a little'country girl ? "
"Little indeed , thought Solomon , as
he acknowledged his aunt's somewhat
peculiar introduction and not pretty ,
either with large eyes of that uncer
tain gray that sometimes beams dark
ly blue and then deepens into Drown
with a smooth low forehead , and
light brown hair drawn tightly across
each ear. just revealing its crimson tip ;
a face irregularly featured , and render
ed still more striking by the singular
con Iras t between its extreme pallor
and the intensely scarlet lips the per-
sonifical on of neatness , the embodi
ment of reserve.
'An odd little person , " thought Sol
omon , "but it's none ot my business , "
and dismissing her from his m nd , ho
proceeded to the much more important
business of making himself presentable
at Aunt Hester's tea-table.
Solomon did ample justice to the
snowy bread , golden butter , and lus
cious strawberries , and later , as that
worthy was indulged in a stroll across
the fields , he lifted up his eves and be
held the little seamstress , whose exist
ence he had quite forgotten , under a
venerable cherry tree , male ng desper
ate efforts to seize a tempt ng branch
on its lowest boughs revealing In her
gyrations a very neat foot and ankle ,
and looking almost pretty with her
Hushed cheeks and sparkling eyes.
Now Sol. was a gallant man de
cidedly the prcux-chevalier of the firm
ofGr:2gs : , Makem & Co. , so that when
ever , as had once or twice happened ,
a petticoat ventured into the moldy
shades of that establishment. Sol. was
the man whom destiny and the other
partners selected to "parley with the
onemv.
Advancing , therefore , with "a happ.y
mixture of confidence and condescen
sion , Sol. plucked the cherries and was
about to present them when independ
ence in a calico frock stepped back and
with-a cool :
"Keep them yourself , sir ; I don't
care for them. "
"I thought you wanted them' "
stammered bol.
"So I did , because they were difficult
to obtain. Had they been on your
aunt's table I would not have touched
them. It is the glow of triumph that
gives a pleasure to its zest. Eat the
cherries votirself , and good evening ,
sir ! "
"Stop a moment ! " said Sol. , not a
little astonished ; "that is I mean-
permit me to accompany you ! "
"No. you would expect me to enter
tain vouj.and that would ba too much
trouble. "
"But , if instead , I should entertain
yon ? "
"You can not.- "
, -Why ? "
"Yon could tell me nothing new.
You are only a crucible for convert
ing bales of cloth into the precious
ore that all the world goes mad after.
No donbt you are all very well in
your wav. " but there arc alchemists
who conid transmute our humdrum
duilv life into golden verse or heaven
ly thought- stich a one" I might
listen , but you and I have nothing in
common. "
"Not even our humanity ? " asked
Solomon.
The stern face-of the young girl
softened a little , but only for a mo
ment.
"No ! " she answered , angrily , "not
even that. I , you know , am made of
the inferior clay yon of the pure
porcelain. Do you not remember
how even good , kind Aunt Hester
told you there were no young ladies
with her , onl - the seamstress. You
are slightly bored already , and think
me odd .enough to amuse you. for a
while ; but if same of these * gay ladies
among whom I hear you are such a
favorite were to come here you
would not even know me. Good
evening , sir. "
"What a furious little radical , "
thougth Sol ; witli an uneasy laugh , as
he watched her retreating figure. Af
ter all , he was not quite sure that she
had not spoken the truth.
If the calico frock had been a flounced
silk , for instance , how many degrees
more deferential would have been hs
manner in presenting the cherries ! "
Query the second :
If the calico frock had been walking
dowi. Broadway about 4 o'clock in the
afternoon would he. Solo man Griggs ,
of Griggs , Makem & Co. , as will rigly
escort it as across those green fields ,
where if the robins and bluebirds did
make remarks it was in their own lan
guage1
Sol. couldn't answer the question
satisfactorily , but he went to bed and
dreamed all night of the little Diogenes
in her calico frock.
That week and the next he waited
patiently for the first glimpse of that !
remarkable garment coming around
the corner , but in vain. And when , in
such a very careless manner that it
was quite remarkable , he wondered
audibly "where that odd little girl lived
whom he saw on the eve of his arrival , "
Aunt Hester answered dryly : "Always
up thereabouts * " pointing with her
hand. Sho boarded , she believed , with
some queer sort of folk there , though ,
for that matter , she was queer enough
herself.And this was absolutely all
she wouldsay on the subject
The next day Sol. took it upon him
self to wander up that way. there
abouts , " and was rewarded with a
glimpse of the calico frock going *
through a broken gate , and following '
it closely , came up with the wearer as
she was about to enter the dilapidated
front door , at which piece of imperil-j
ncncc she was so much incensed as to
turn very red , while tears actually
started to her eyes.
"What do you want ? " she asked ,
sharply enough.
"To seeou ! " replied Sol. , who , ta
ken by surprise , could not think of noth
ing but the truth.
"Well , you have seen me now go ! "
"But it's a warm dav , and I am very
tired ! "
"I can't help that. It's not mv fault
is it ? "
"You might ask me to walk in and
sit down if you were not ns hard hearted.
as a Huron ! "
"Tis is not mv house. "
"You would then if it were ? "
"I do n't say that"
"Well , then. I am thirsty ;
glass of water. "
"There is the well , and an iron cup
fastened to it by a chain ; help vour-
self. "
"You inhospitable little misan
thrope ! "
But she was gone , and the next time
he inquired for her Aunt Hester told
him , with a malicious twinkle of the
eye , that she was gone to the city.
Perhaps the good soul had"been
troubled with visions of a future Mrs.
Griggs , and was not altogether d s-
plcascd that an insurmountable barrier
was placed between "that odd Rachel
Hart and her nephew Sol. , who was a
good bov , but d.dn't know the ways of
women. "
Be that as it may , her joy was short
ly turned into mourning , for Solomon
received dispatches requiring his imme
diate presence .n the c.tv. At least so
he said , for Aunt Hester was immova
ble in her conviction that "that Rachel
was somewhat at the bottom of it. "
She even hinted as much to Solomon
when he bade hergoocl-by ; but he only
laughed , and told her to take care of
herself.
After all , business could not have
been so very pressing , as he spent the
greater portion of his time wandering
through lanes and back streets , not
unfrequeutly dashing down alleys
with the inexplicable exclamation of
"That's her ! " whence lie always re
turned very red in the face and sheep
ish in expression.
Three months had passed away ,
when he nearly ran against a litlle
woman , who looked up in his face with
a sardonic sm le.
"Your eyesight is not so good in the
city , Mr. Griggs. You don't know me
here. "
"Rachel Miss Hart T have been
looking for you everywhere. I I
where do you live ? "
She hesitated a moment , then said ,
shortly : "Come and see. " And turn
ing , led the way through narrow
streets , reeking with filth and teem
ing with a wretched population , up a
flight of broken stairs , into a dingy
little room , whose only redeeming
feature was its perfect cleanliness.
"Will you be seated. Mr. Griges ? "
she asked , with a scornful smile. "Now
that you know niy residence I trust to
havethe pleasure of seeing you fre
quently. "
"And you live in this den ? " asked
Solomoiu heedless of her sarcasm.
"How xlo you support yourself ? "
"By my needle. "
"And "how much does it take to
keep up this magnificent stvle of liv
ing ? "
"By unremitting exertion I can earn
$2 a week. "
Great heavens ! why didn't you
come to me ? "
"For two excellent reasons : First , I
should have known where to have found
vou ; second , I should not have come if 1
had. "
"Of course not. Your pride is to
3'ou meat and drink. Still you might
have come. Wo arc in want ol
hands. "
" 1 do not believe it. You wish tc
cheat me into accepting alms. "
"Thero is our advertisement ; read
for yourself , " pulling a paper from his
pocket
"The sunken ayes gleamod eagerly ;
.she was human after all. and was
even then suffering from the pangs of
hunger. "
"Mr. Griggs , I believe you arc a
good man , " she said , bursting into
tears ; "I will work for you gladly ; I am
starving. "
And she did work , early and late ,
spite of Solomon's entreaties , refusing
to accept anything but her wages , de
clining to receive his visits , sending
back his gifts , steadily refusing , above
all , to become'.his wife , though.she had
softened wonderfully toward him.
"You are rich I am poor ! " she said
in reply to his passionate arguments.
"You are handsome I am ugly ; the
world would laugh , and your family
be justly offended. "
"I have no familv , and , as to the
world , let it laugh ; I dare be happy in
spite of it"
"I will not have you. "
"Do you not love me ? "
"I will not have you , " and with that
answer Solomon was oblidged to rest
contented.
Time passed on a financial crisis
came , and with hundreds of others ,
down went the house of Griggs , Makem
&Co.
Solomon sat in his office gloomily
thinking of the woman whose love he
had so long and fruitlessly striven to
win , darkly wondering if it were not
better to cut short an\umless hopeless ,
blighted life.
"Lady wants to see you , sir. "
"Can't see her , sir. What the devil
can a woman want here ? Shut the
door if any one calls , say I'm out. "
Suddenly a pair of arms were around
his neck and two clear gray eyes look
ing lovingly in his , while the voice that
was sweetest to him whispered softh- :
"When you were rich 1 rejected yon.
Now that you are poor I came to ask if
you will take me ? "
And Solomon , like a sensible man ,
took the "calico frock. "
Took a Mean Advantage of Us.
Last Saturday , while laboriously en
gaged in writing a leading editorial
with a dull pair of shears , the door
opened and in stepped a sinful-looking
man , who introduced himself as the
traveling agent for Blank & Co.'s
Circus and Aggregation of Living
Wonders. He wanted posters printed ,
and the way we scattered paper around
and quoted prices was extraordinary
considering the state of the thermome
ter. He then mildlv * hinted that he
would like to have a local not ce in
serted in this week's edition of the
Bladder , and casually inquired as to
the c rculation of said sheet. Now if
there is am thing upon earth that will
get a newspaper man down to hard ,
earnest , unmitigated lying , it is that
little question in regard to circulation.
The whole Christ.an world boiled down
and rolled into one pill might be given
to an editor to swallow and he would
rise superior to its influence and lie
like a trooper when asked how manv
papers ho circulated. So far in life we
have taken a low grade with the
fraternity of liars , but on this occasion ,
with business as dull and pulseless as
an ordinary town-comic liuan , we even
outstepped the bounds of prudence , and
gathering strength as we went we
swelled our circulation until it rivaled
even that of the New York Sun. And
then the bogus agent went in
to convulsions of laughter and clapping
us on the shoulder yelled , "Let up ,
or you'll kill me ! Don't you know
me ? I just wanted to hear you lie once
more ! I don't want any printing. I'm
Sam Miller , late of Hot Springs Xews
and your old partner of other days. "
Know him O Memory , thon art not
yet dead ! Know him what emofc.ons
that question arouses ? Wiien we shook
hands and "bunked" with him one
night on a through freight and intro
duced to his brotherly notice the super
iority of the Texas louse over the Ar
kansas flea , did he not reciprocate by
giving us the benefit of the seven-year
itch ? When we worked together in
New Mex co and wore the same shirt
alternately , did he not decamp with the
said piece of apparel one night and
leave the writer to rustle around next
day. wrapped in a sheet ? When we
met him some years ago , among the
Choctaw Indians , elegantly attired in a
gunny-sack , cut a la chemise , doctor
ing Chief Young-Man-Caught in-a-Trap
for ringbone and spavin , did we not
unite forces with him and assist in
planting our common patient 'neath
the whispering sage-brush ? And when
the bereaved and weep'ng widow
'
grasped the wretched Sami'vel by his
loose , flowing robe and swore that she
would make Jiim her chief if it took all
summer , didn't we fly with him and as
sist in leading the extra ponies ? Didn't
we steal our editorials from the same
paper and then accuse one another of
newspaper piracy ? And yet , in spite
of all these old associations , he has the
meanness to disguise himself in a boiled
shirt and store clothes and come around
and start us a lying about the circula
tion of our paper. Know him ? If he
had worn the rimless stove-pipe hat he
wore when w saw him last we would
have known him anywhere. Sam Mil
ler , in Wing field'Evening bulletin.
An American Accomplishment.
It is quite a trick to jump off a train
going say at thirty miles an hour , and
the Americans take a pride in cultivat
ing dexterity in this trick. It takes
considerable practice before it can ba
*
done successfully The way to jump
is always with the tra n and always on
'
the left-hand side of the lalter , le'tting
the right foot rest on the step , and the
left foot swung from the step. Then
jump so that the left foot will touch the
ground first , and the right foot to im
mediately follow it , so as to bu able to
run. Stfme of the men jump from the
middle of the train or tho front , but
most of them go to the rear car and
'
jump , so that i'f they fall they will not
roll under the cars.A correspondent
says : "The best man lever saw , andt he
onlv man who could hold his feet and
stop himself without running at all ,
was Charle Ph.Hips. He could jump
from a train running thirty-live miles
an hour , and stop without running a
foot. " Court Journal.
BILLNYEIN THE SOUTH.
I have recently takeixquite a railway
trip into the south in search 'of my
health. I called my physicians'togdth-
er , and they decided by a rising vote
that I ought to go to a warmer clime ,
or I would enjoy very poor health all
winter. So I decided to go in search
of my health , if I died on the trail.
I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a
pale , sallow liar-who is just beginning
to work his. way tip to the forty-ninth
degree in the Orderof Ananias. He
will surely be heard from again some
day , as he has the elements that go to
make up a successful liar.
He said that I could go through from
Cincinnati to Asheville , N. C. , only one
easy change of cars , and in about
twenty-three hours. It took me twice
that , and I had to change cars three
times in the dead of night.
The southern railroad is not in a
flourishing condition. It ought to go
somewhere for its health. Anyway , it
ought to go somewhere , which at pres
ent it does not Accord ug to the old
Latin proverb , I "presume we should
say nothing but good of the dead , but
I am here to say that the railroad that
knocked my spine loose last week , and
compelled me to carry lunch-baskets
and large Norm an two-year-old grip
sacks through the gloaming , till my
arms hung down to the ground , does
not deserve to be treated well , even af
ter death.
I do not feel any antipathy toward
the south , for I did not take any part
in the war , remaining in Canada dur
ing the whole time , so that I could not
be accused now of offensive partisan
ship. I have always avoided anything
thai would look like a settled conviction
in any of these matters , retaining al
ways a fair , unpartisan and neutral
idiocy in relation to all national affairs ,
so that I might be regarded as a good
civil service reformer , and perhaps at
some time hold an oflice.
To further illustrate how fair-minded
I am in these matters , I have patiently
read all the war articles written by both
sides , and I have not tried to dodge the
foot-notes or the marginal references ;
or the war maps or the memoranda. I
have read all these things until 1 don't
know who was victor ous , and if that is
not a fair and impartial way to look at
the war , I don't know how to pro
ceed in order to eradicate my preju
dices.
But a railroad is not a political or sec
tional matter , and it ought not be a
local matter unless the train stays at
one end of the line all the time. This ,
road , however , is the one that dis
charged its engineer some years ago ,
and when he took his time check he
said he would now < ro to work for a
sure-enough road with real.iron rails to
it , instead of two streaks of rust and a
right of way.
All night long , except when we were
changing cars , we rattled along over
wobbling trestles and third mortgages.
The cars were graded from third class
down. The road itself was not graded
at all.
They have the same old air in these
coaches that they started out with.
Different people , with various styles of
breath , have used this air and then re
turned it. They are using the same air
that they did before the war. It is not.
str ctly spooking , a national air. It is
more of a languid air , with dark circles
around its eves.
At one place where I had an engage
ment to change cars , we had a wait of
four hours , and I reclined on a hair
cloth lounge at the hotel with the in
tention of sleeping a part of the time.
Dear , patient reader , d.d you ever try
to ride a refactory hair-cloth lounge all
night , bare back ? Did you ever get
aboard a short , old-fashioned hair-cloth
lounge , with a disposition to buck ?
I was told that this was a kind , family
lounge , that would not shy or make
trouble any where , and I had only just
closed my dark-red and mournful eyes
in sleep when this lounge gently
humped itself , and shed me as it would
its smooth , dark hair in the spring ,
tra la.
The floor caught me in its strong
arms and I vaulted back upon the pol
ished bosom of the hair-cloth lounge.
It was made for a man about fifty-three
inches in length , and so I had to sleep
with my feet in my pistol pockets and
my nose in my bosom up to the second
joint.
I got so that I could ris3 off the floor
and climb on the loungewithout wak
ing up. It got to be second nature to
me. I did just as a man who is hung
ry in his sleep bites off large fragments
of the air and eat.s involuntarily and
smacks his lips and'snorls. So I arose
and deposited mself again and again ,
on tha old sway-back , but frolicsome
wreck without waking. But I couldn't
get aboard softly cnouge to avoid wak
ing the lounge. It would yawn and
rumble inside and rise and fall like the
deep rolling sea , till at last I gave up
trying to sleep on it any more , and
curled up on the floor.
The hair cloth lounge in various con
ditions of decrepitude may be found all
through this region , Its true inward
ness is composed of sp'ral springs
which have gnawed through the cloth
in many instance ? . These springs
have lost none of their old elas
ticity of spirits and cordially
corkscrew themselves into the affec
tions of a man who sits down on them.
If anything could make me thorough
ly attached to the south it would be one
of these sp nil springs bored into my
person about a foot. But that is the
only way to remain on a hair-cloth
chair or sofa. No man ever success
fully sat on one of them for any length
of time unless he had a strong pair of
pantaloons and a spiral spring twisted
into him for some distance.
At the private house the hair-cloth
sofa with a pair of dark , reserved
chairs may be found in a domesticated
state , waiting for some one to come
and fall off them. In hotels they go
in larger flocks , and graze together in
the parlor. They are greatly in favor
among the more blue-blooded mass
here the blue mass as it were.
Demand for English on the Stage.
Mary Anderson is studying French in
Paris. Some actors and actresses ought
to study English. San Francisw Ex
aminer.
Love Letters.
Somc ona was saing tho other dav
that the art of writing love letters was
a lost art If so , it must be that love
has gone rather out of fashion. It
seems to us that whoever loves will
naturally write an irreproachable love
letter , if he allows his pen to report
the emotions of his heart To be sure ,
there arc those prudent lovers who
never put anything upon paper that
is , anything in particular not exactly
because they expcct to be sued for a
breach of promise some day , but be
cause it is unsafe , and letters run a
great risk , pass through innumerable
hands , and pretty phrases and endear
ments are too precious to be endanger
ed ; others regard their emotions as
too sincere and divine to be written
out , and are afraid , perhaps , that they
will savor of exaggeration ; while the
others would like to express a great
deal , but their thoughts fly awkardly
from the pen , and seem to loose all
their signilieance. Many who can
talk love and nonsenee bv the yard ,
loso the r facility the instant they
touch a pen ; they need the electric
presence of the object of inspiration ,
the retort , the response , or they write
an essav. instead of a love letter ; oth
ers , again , can produce the most gush-
ingspecimens of the art , but are dumb
before the shrine. Of course the lova
letter which would seem like a drop of
distilled honey to one recipient , would
appear cold and calculated to another ;
one will idealize even the baldest pos
sible expressions till they seem to shine
with the rad ancc of love itself , will
say all the writer would have to say if
he knew how ; while to her neighbor
the sweetest words will not sulliee to
fill the measure of her expectations
and imagination , since she alwa\ an
ticipates something sweeter than hu
man thought can frame. There are
those who like to read from their love
letters to a curious or envious audience ;
and others a few like Hawthorne ,
who wrote to his wife : "Your letters
are too sacred to be read in the
midst of people. 1 never read them , "
he adds , "without iirst washing my
hands. " One would hardly care for
them if she could not boast of their
possession and advertise it , another
feels that they are almost too personal
and dear to mention , and learns the
contents by heart , as if they were so
many poems , as indeed they "arc to her
experience. The love letter must not
be too long , nor yet too short but of
that just measure that the reader shall
always wish there were yet a little
more , if only a postscript ; ami it should
be of that quality wh'ch suggests such
lovely and tender thoughts , and on a
second perusal one is surprised to find
that they are not expressed in so many j
words , so certa n was she that they
originated with the writer. The loveli- j
est of all love letter ? , however , are
those between husband and wife. As
long as thev continue , there will be no
room for the serpent to enter. They i
are the bulwark of the home and the
safety of life itself. Let them multiply
as the leaves of the forest and shine as
the stars in the heavens. The mail
bags cannot be too heavily loaded with
such loving missives. They arc tins
salt of the earth. Hose Elizabeth Cleve
land.
Looking : for Leon.
While the blizzard was tearing down
Chestnut street at 11 o'clock yesterday
morning a handsome Englishwoman
with blonde hair and large diamonds
in her ears , was sitting in the break
fast-room of the Girard house sipping
a cup of coffee. She was dressed in a
charming morning gown , and tassels
that dangled when shu walked. From
underneath the gown peeped two tiny
feet in patent leather slippers. Sndden-
lu with a startled look the woman
beckoned to the head waiter.
"Where is Leon ? " she asked excit
edly.The
The waiter didn't know. The wo
man , getting up quickly from the table ,
rushed out to the hotel office , and in a
tone of anquish and utter helplessness
aaid to Clerk Levi :
"Leon is lost. "
"Front ! " shouted the clerk , banging
the knob of the big silver bell.
A bellman popped up at the corner.
"Go look for Leon ; he is lost , " said
the clerk. Then he banged the bell
and shouted :
"Front ! " and another bellman came
forward.
"Go look for Leon ; he is lost" '
The bellmen went searching through
the corridor ? , in the smoking-room ,
reading-room and cafe , and came back
shaking their heads , with long face ? .
The woman looked almost distracted.
Her bosom heaved couvulsively with
suppressed emotion.
"Front ! " yelled Clerk Levi. "Look
in the kitchen. "
The bellman came back with a small
poodle under his arm. It had a blue
ribbon hanging around its neck and a
bell dangling from it. The poodle was
licking its chops. The meeting was
very affecting. The woman took the
dog in her arms and hurrying to the
elevator , said convulsively :
"Oh , Leon , Leon , how you frightened
me. 1 thought you were lost ! " I'fitlu-
dclphia Times.
About the Size of Jit.
It is an old story , but still wonder
ful , how three men could rob a tr < iin-
load of people. Inasmuch as the pas
sengers had long enough notice to hide
most of their money and valuable-
seems that somebody ought to have had
time enough to "get the drop" on the
first robber with his revolver. How
ever , it frequently happens in these
days of civilized advancement that no
body in a railway tram is armed with
anything more deadly than a cork
screw. Xeio York World-
OUT Washington Court.
The order of precedence is again dis
turbing the court ladies at Washington.
If , by one consent , they shoniu : .Ii in
sist upon taking the lowest seat instead
of the highest , going up as they were
called , they would be justified by the
highest authority. Philadelphia" -
erd.
Great Discoverers.
Nearly every druggist has discovered
some compound that will euro every
disease. This discovery , stopping at
respectable advertisement of its merits ,
is well enough , but tho inventive drug
gist , stops not at advertising , in fact
rarely goes that far , but adopts a more
importunate method of selling his com
pounds. A man who has read much of
the merits of Dr. Bullrgg's Balm , and
who believes that it will cure him , en
ters a drug store and asks-
"Have you any of Bnllrigg's Balm ? ' * .
'
' Yes. sir , we have it Suffering with ,
a cough ? "
"Yes. "
"Well , we've got plenty of tho Balm ,
but we also have something better.
Now here's something ( taking down a
bottle ) wh eh we make ourselves. It's
much supe "
"I want Bullrigg's Balm. "
"Yes , I know , but this preparation ,
as every sensible man in th s town will
agree , will knock a cough higher than
a kite. This bottle will oulv cost
"
you
"I want Bull "
' Yes , I understand. This medicino
is made of the purest drugs and w.ll
only cost half "
" \VclI , give me a bottle. "
" 'I wo buttles ? only cost half "
"Yes. two bottles. "
"Thank.anything else ? "
"Have-\ got any of Nuggleton's
Bed-bug Annover ? "
Yes. Bothered with bugs ? "
"Somewhat. "
"Yes , I've got Nugglclon's , but wo
al.-o havo some Bed-bug Murderer
which we manufacture ourselves. Hvery
man in ths : town will tell you that
"
our
"I want Nuggietoir ? . "
' Yes , I understand , but I his wonder
ful preparation whieh wo pruparu our
selves only coats half what tho other
docs , and it is"much better. Wo
spare no pains ia its manufacture ,
and-- "
- -
"Well , give me a package. "
"Two , did you say ? only cost Half "
"Yes , give "me two. "
"Thanks. Anything else ? "
"I'd like to get some of Jackson's
Chill "
"My dear sir. when it comes to chills
wo make a preparation that "
The customer rushes from the store.
Arkunstiiu Traveler.
A Crime by Telephone.
A prominent young unmarried phy
sician in West Nashville is said to bo on
the war path , or words to that effect. , ns
regards a certain fiend who broke into
his slumbers a few nights since. U was
about 2 o'clock in the morning , and
very cold , when , in his dreams , he
thought he was in Baltimore on Sunday
morning , while the bull.were ringing
with all their might from every one of
tins hundredteeples so near together.
But gradually the City of Many
Churches failed away , anil he came to
ti ! > eon < consness that the telephone
had bjtiii rattling for about live min
uteJumping from h s bed.v th tho
eager expectation always attendant on
a Midddi call , this doctor rushed , with
lian : feet , over the cold floor and s hiv-
erin r yelled out. "Hello. "
"IIcHo. doctor ! Have you got r.ny
initrtnni'iit * . . or urn you prepared to
drusa this wound * of a man uho has
been cut all to pieces with a hatclr.it ? "
Oh , veil oh , y ! quickly rcspontl-
fd the plu-ician. as vNi > ia of his favor
ite pi-auric ; ; came to his mind , "xvhuro
is the. ' "
"All right doctor. I am much oblig
ed. If I come acroM a man cut to
pieces by a hatchet betv/uun now atnl
daylight. I'll let you know. "
The doctor hasn't found the fiend
who telephoned him , neither has he
found a man cut up by a hatchet
Xitishville American.
The Sntilccs Objected to Fire.
On one of the cold days of last week
John Simons threw on to his lire-place
for a back-log a large. unplit oak
stick. The piec had laid for a long
time on the wood-pile , but with the ex
ception of a small hole in : i decayed
knot on one side of the stick , it was to
all appearances perfectly sound. Sim
ons and his wife sat in front of the liru
place , and soon after the stick had been
thrown on Mrs. Simons startled her
husband with a loud scream and junp-
ed quickly on a chair , pointing excited
ly at the back-log. Simons looked ,
and to his astonishment saw a snako
coining out of the hole In the knot ,
which was on the upper side of the
-tick. The log had not hugin ; to blaze
up. ami the Miukc made it > escape un
injured ir.to the room and squirmed
across to a corner where it coiicd itself
up. It was quickly followed by two
other snakev.Jio : .lso jrot away from
their . safe
Imperiled winSerii.g-place in
ty. They v.vro all rattlesnakes of good
size , and the heat had wanned them in
to their normal I'VcKnc-s and activity.
S mtmkille.l the three snak'.1.with : i
[ 3:1 : r of ton- . They had twcnty-ono
rattles among them.
A Versatile Applicant.
There is a great deal of learning ly
ing around loose. Applicants for pro-
fe-soraiips ! in the technological school
vill reach live hundred. There were
eighty applacants for the professorship
of natural history and agriculture ill
thetate university la t year. One ap
plicant thought tho vacant chair was
that of h'story. and so worded his ap
plication. When corrected , instead of
withdrawing his application he wrote :
"Please write 'natural' before 'hiss-
lory,5 'agricultue. ' and let tins appli
cation stan.l. " Adantu Consli ittion.
A Frugal Mind.
Shall I viud de clock , fadder ? " asked
iaac Abramstcin , as he shut up for the
jiiirlit.
"No. Yawcob ; pecsncss vas too pad.
Choost let it sen top. Yawcob , tint vo'll
save tie vcar tint tear on de veels. "
Leder.