XOXBS OX1 ZEE GXEAX
of the bead * Presidents ere
National XaMoltum to bo
Erected Near Washington.
Washington correspondence : Nationa
cemeteries are provided for the dead sol
dicrs throughout tho United States , and
tho distinguished dead hi England are laid
away in. Westminster Abbey. A project is
now on loot topro vide a national mauso
leum near Washington for our deccasec
presidents and a bill has been prepared to
lie introduced to the next session ol con
gress to provide lor the proposed presiden
tial cemetery and memorial hall where
statues could bo erected to chief magis
trates of the nation have passed away.
At present somo ol them have neither a
slab nor a monument to mark their
graves. Gen. Harrison's body rests in a
brick vault on , the top ol a little hill five
miles west of Cincinnati. A big flat stone
lies on its top , but there is no inscription ,
and the only beauty about the grave is the
fine trees which surround it with their per
petual green. John Tyler's body is buried
in the Hollywood cemetery at liichmond ,
Va. , and has not a stone or bust to mark
its resting place. Ten yards away is Pres
ident Monroe's grave , but he was not buried
here until after the centennial anniversary
-of his birth.
Monroe waited twenty-seven years for an
appropriate tomb , and ho now rests in a
vault over which is a large granite sarco
phagus , and on it an inscription testifying
that'itwas erected "as an evidence of tho
affections of Virginia for her good and hon
ored son. "
YanBuren'e grave , notwithstanding his
wealth , is now bleak and bare , without a
flower or shrub , ntKineerhook , and a year
Ago the little granite shaffcwhichstoodovor
the remains of Thomas Jefferson has been
mutilated and its inscription destroyed by
Telic-hunters. Its gates were rusty and its.
appearance that of. a ruin.
George Washington has been twice bur
ied , and Henry Clay showed one day in the
senate a piece of the first coffin. Mount
Vernon is now his tombstone , and the sar
cophagus in which he lies is a brick vault
overlooking the Potomac. It has but one
word on it , and that is "Washington. "
Tho two Adamses are buried in the 'Gni-
tarian church afi Quincy. When John
Adams died , his son , then president , ob
tained a deed to a burial lot in tho cellarpf
tlie church , fourteen .feet square , and in
this he built a granite tomb for himself and
his father. Here lie the two presidents and
their wives , and on the walls of the church
above are long inscriptions commemorative
of their lives and worth.
The most expensive of th'e presidential
monuments are those of Lincoln and Gar-
field. Lincoln's monument at Springfield
cost § 200,550 , andthe ground devoted to
that of Garfield is said to be worth $100-
000 , and the monument istocost150,000
more.
There has been a number of storiea pub
lished in regard to the grave of President
Tyler , in that he was first buried at Wash
ington and his body afterward removed
from place to place. The truth is that he
has never been buried , but was brought ,
immediately on his death at tho capital ,
to his father's old farm in Kentucky , and
there put into a vault. His body has lain
there ever since , and there is a gray granite
monument , surmounted by a marble statue
of the .general.
Prank Pierce has a monument of Italian
marble at Concord , and , strange to say ,
the name engraved upon it is Francis
Pierce , instead of Franklin Pierce , as he
was known to the country. It has no long
inscription , and is like the monument of
Millard Fillmore at Buffalo , simple to an
extreme. James Buchanan lies in a vault
in the Lancaster ( Pa. ) cemetery , and
chronicles his life in the date of his birth
and death and the fact that he was the fif
teenth president of the United States. It
takes twenty-three lines to writes the in
scription on Folk's tombstone , and it lies
in Nashville , twelve miles away from An
drew Jackson , a much greater man , who
sums his record up in three. Jackson's
body lies in his garden at the Hermitage
brside Jiis wife. The monument above
them is of Tennessee limestone.
/
> MOKE TROU1ST.E WITH TBE ISDXJJSS.
27ie Cheyennes in Indian Territory XJircalen
an Onfbredli Wlilcli it is Feared Will 10
Formidable.
The war department has received re
ports from Port Reno , Indian Territory ,
dated the 20th instant , to tho effect that
great excitement prevails there over tho
threatened outbreak of tho Cheyenne In
dians. Tho southern Cheycnues were mak
ing preparations to go on the war-path.
Troops have been dispatched to quell the
disturbances. A lew days ago others were
sent to quell a local disturbance among the
Eame Indians. The war department offi
cials nro not informed as to tho cause of
the threatened outbreak. If the Indians
go on the war-path there will be great diffi
culty in quieting them. The Cheyenncs are
reported to be as troublesome to deal with
as the Apaches. General Augur , in com
mand of that department , recommends the
appointment of a commission to ascertain
the cause of discontent. The southern
Cheyenncs are located in the western por
tion of the territory. The country is level
and devoid of trees , except along the
streams. 0 iring to its great extent , it is
very easy for thelndiansto keep out of the
way of the troops. It is believed that the
Indians are well supplied with arms and
ammunition. They arc said to be good
fighters and fight altogether on horseback.
The last trouble with the Cheyennes oc
curred about nine years ago , and continued
for more than a year. It was caused by
the Indians of the tribe massacreing a por
tion of a family moving overland from
Georgia. The massacre occurred in Kan-
fins. Father , mother and daughter wero
killed , and the four remaining children
tii ken captive. Tho daughter , who was
killed before she was captured , took the
life of an Indian with an ax as he attempted
to get into a wagon in which the children
v/cre gathered. Prior to this massacre the
Chi'.vunnetj becamo unfriendly toward the
white * . A number of men disguised as In-
'iiititt luwl burned a bridge on the Kansas
Pacific railway for the purpose of stopping
tlietmin Hint they might'plunder it. After
the destruction of the bridge soldiers were
cent to capture the men implicated. An
.likfr chancedjne day to Bee an Indian
rUtmling alone ut a distance. He drew
ncjirer. tired tind killed hint. Tho Indian
\vaia the HOII of Lone Wolf , the great Chey
enne vhief. When he was buried 400 ponies
were killwl above his grave. Though Lone
Wolf did iiot himself participate in the
outbreak which followed his son's death , it
was thought ; that the shooting of the young
Indian greatly induced the tribe to go on tLe
* var path. The massacre of the Georgia
family and one year's fighting followed.
A Durango ( Col. ) special says : A messen
ger from Dolores Volley arrived this after
noon. He says the Indians lulled a m an
named Gethner , seriously wounded his
wife and burned house , barns , etc. The
messenger confirms the report tht cow-
"boys 'killed BIX of a family of Indians.
Another messenger who arrived this evening
reports that the Indians mot Joe Dangh-
erty , a brother of Captain Daugherty , of
the Twenty-second cavalry , killed him and
carried his wife into captivity.
THE wind always finds something to
'blow ' about.
OMS HUNVRXD XHOUSA3TD STRONG.
llieArmy of -rcteratu MIXne at fort-
land The Fpint for the Next Reunion.
Portland dispatch : The streets are
crowded again todaywith a hundred
thousand visitors. Everywhere the uni
form of the Grand Army is conspicuous.
A secret executive session of the national
encampment began at 11 o'clock. The
commander-in-chief said four years ago
there was a membership o" nearly 40,000.
On March 31 , 1885 , thirty-eight depart
ments reported 270,000 members. The
question having been raised as to whether
late Comrade B. F. 8 tevensorf , of Spring
field , 111. , was really the first mover in the
4 * : ol the Grand Army , it is
deemed but simple justice to his memory ,
as well as to his family and comrades , to
state that all authenticrccords conferiipon
him that very g eat honor. There was a
stifHight for the place of holding the next
session between San Francisco and Nash
ville. Powerful , pathetic and humorous
speeches were made in favor of both. San
Francisco received 269 , and Nashville 178
votes.
In his annual report .the commander-in-
chief to-day said : I am opposed to the
perpetuation-of the Grand Army , believing
the commission of our great comradeship
will have been fulfilled when the last com
rade will have jojncd the final muster out.
Knowing there is nothing in the Grand
Army ol the Eepublic inconsistent with the
most exacting person or strictest religion ,
I deemed it for the interest of the order to
appoint a special committee to lay its na
ture and workings before the proper Catho
lic authorities of the United States that
they might know that our organization
has nothing to conceal , and that our pur
poses are commended by all who under
stood them. The committee reported hav
ing fulfilled its mission , and that assur
ances had been given by Archbishops Ryan
and Gibbons that nothing could be found
in the Aims of the Grand Army to prevent
any good Catholic from becoming a mem
ber. The commander-in-chiel deprecated
participation in politics as an organization ,
and urgently advocates the Mexican pen
sion bill and a bill to grant disabled sol
diers a pension from the date of disability.
Resolutions in sympathy with General
Grant were adopted by a unanimous ris
ing vote , amid great cheering.
TEXAS CATTLE.
Serious Conflict or Authority Regard-
Ing Tliclr Heine Driven
Through Kansas.
St. Louis dispatch. Advices from northern
Texas are to the effect that serious trouble is
looked for in the Pan Handle , over the driving
of southern Texas cattle through Kansas.
Thousands of cattle are going up the Fort
Worth & Denver railroad to be unloaded at
Han-old and then driven through. It is
claimed these cattle are diseased , and if al
lowed to go on , will spread the Texas fever
olong the line they travel. Kansas men are
determined to resist with all the means in
thenpower , any effort to drive southern
Texas cattle through the neutral strip or "No
Man's Land , " as it is called. It is said that
the promise of Secretary Lamar has been ob
tained to Interpose the strong arm of the gov
ernment to prevent it , and that the United
States marshal with a .strong posse armed with
government authority , will meetths first herd
bound for Kansas , and they will turn the cat
tle back or prevent their entrance into the
neutral strip.
Southern Texas men are vrry angry over
the matter , pronounce the scare without rea
son , and say their cattle are healthy , and that
they will ficlit before their rights shall be sub
verted. They are determined to drive them
Into Kan as , and claim that Secretary Lamar
bad guaranteed them protection to co
through , and has notified the Kansas men ac
cordingly. Cool headed cattle men say there
will be trouble , and think the Government
should call a halt on the trail till the question
can be investigated and the real facts ascer
tained. In cannection with the same matter ,
advices come from Topeka , Kansas , which
say that Gov. Martin has received dispatches
[ rom the sheriff of Finney county , in the ex
treme western part of the stale Informing
him that 60,000 head of Texas cattle are now
gathered south of the state line in charge of
200 armed men and that an effort will be
made to drive through. The sheriff asks for
Instructions and Gov. Martin has telegraphed
trim that the State Live Stock Sanitary Com
mission has been ordered to Gorden City and
instructed to confer with them. If the cat
tlemen persist in the attempt to drive their
lierds into and through Kansas it is asserted
that resistance will be made and trouble and
perhapsbloodshed ensue.
Secretary Manning Annoyed .
Washington dispatch : There was an un
usually large crowd of anxious people in
and about Secretary Manning's office to
day. Office-seekers begin to look upon
Saturday , when the secretary receives no
callers , as the day when the petitions and
Implications that have been pouring
n during the week are considered ; so on
Slonday they crowd in to obtain results.
Great pressure is brought to bear by some
: lerks anxious to retain their situations.
The secretary fs perpled and worried the
most by women. They are the most im-
jortunate applicants , and , on the other
land , among those ivho fear being turned
out , present the most pitiful petitions for
retention. In some instances , where dis-
nissals are contemplated , the secretary
ias been met by the appeals of whole fam-
lies , claiming to be dependent upon one
woman for support.
Shooting at a Charivari.
Earlville ( HI. ) dispatch : In the little
; own of Paw-Paw yesterday afternoon oc
curred the marriage of Charles Pulver , of
Nebraska , and Miss Cora Nettleton , daugh-
; er of Mrs. Jane Nettleton , a respected and
well-to-do resident. In the evening a cha
rivari party , composed of neighboring far
mers' boys , visited the house where the
couple were stopping. The boys were or
dered to leave , and while doing so were
Bred at by Arthur Nettleton , a brother of
bhe bride , the weapon being a double-bar
reled shotgun. Clarence White , aged 21 ,
was probably fatally injured. William
Hackman , aged 25 , was shot in the abdo
men seriously. Others may have been in
jured. Young Nettleton. was arrested and
aeld under bonds to await the result of the
injuries inflicted.
A. Big land Sale.
Frederickson & Co. , of Ohio , have pur-
hased 300,000 acres of land in Tom
Green , Howard and Mitchell counties ,
? exas. , from the Texas Pacific railroad.
3Vederickson & Co. represent three organi
zations of colonists , German and Bohe
mian , by whom land will be laid off into
arms. The colonists comprise 330 fami-
ies , who take-with them an aggregate capi
tal of over § 500,000.
PROFESSOR "Can you multiply to-
jether concrete numbers ? " The class
ire uncertain. Professor " "Whatwill
> e the product of five apples multiplied
by six potatoes ? " Pupil ( triumphant-
y ) "Hash ! "
OLD MITCHELL'S LAST VICTIMS.
The DangersThntvEnrironsMenWlio Meddle
with a Swamp AnceL
One of the worst men in\he world ,
so far as reputation goes , 13 old Martir
Mitchell , who lives in the swjimp just
back of hero , writes aBlackfisb , Ark. ,
correspodent to The New York Sun. He
is a terror to the hard men for hundreds
of miles aroundand yet personally bo is
one of the most affable old fellows that
ever lived. Not one person in a
thousand who tells with prodigious
adjectives and expletives of the
"swamp angel's" ferocity ever saw
him. His reputatation has grown by
degrees , until the old colored people
have come to look upon him as in
partnership with Satan , and many a
black mother and nurse scares her lit
tle ones by telling them that "dat ole
debbil what.swums aroun' in do mash
es is arter ye ! "
Now , the fact is that old man Mitch
ell , according to his own story and the
common judgment of Jus fellow-men
in this Vicinity , is a harmless and law-
abiding citizen. He has a hut of somo
kind in the swamp , where he makes
his headquarters , but when the weath
er is good he is just as likely to camp
twenty or thirty miles away , wherever
nightfall.may find him , as he is to be
at home. He is a hunter and fisher ,
and it is probably true that if nobody
bad ever bothered him he would npt
bave hurt anybody. He has been in
the swamp for thirty years or more ,
killing a man now and then , as oc
casion seemed to warrant , and making
no fuss about it. Heretofore , when
these difficulties have occurred , the
old man has not thought it worth
while to come in and explain matters ,
or even pay much attention to his vic
tims. If no one claimed thorn ho has
buried them in the bullrushes and
gone on about his business. The other
Jay , however , he found tbat ho had to
kill three men in a buncb , and as this
was something unusual , he came to
Blackfisu to apologize , and eventually
went over to Memphis and communi
cated with the sherifT there on the
point. This was the first real glimpse
af civilization that the "swamp angel"
lias hud in many years , and he enjoyed
it much.
Two mennamed Cummings and
Bryson , living at Memphis , came over
into the swamps a short time ago fish
ing and hunting , and knowing old
Mitchell only by reputation they fired
several sbots at him , one of them in-
tlicting a painful wound. The old
man lay low for awhile , then arming
liimself he got a canoe and made pur
suit. He found the trail a difficult one ,
but being thoroughly acquainted with
every nook in the great river , he knew
that unless they took to land he would
eventually overtake them. He follow
ed thein seventy-five miles down
stream and then lost the i. He waited ,
there three or four daj's without find
ing a trace of them , but at length ho
was informed that they had gone
north , and he started after tbem. Dur
ing all this lone : chase he passed al
most his entire time in his dugout , and
only went asbore as he found it
necessary in order to lay in provis
ions.
ions.At
At length be found tbem , near his
own swamp. He had gone ashore in
the brush in order to cook a little cof
fee , and , hearing voices , peered out
on the river. There was a boat , with
Cummings , Bryson , and an unknown
man in it. Seizing his rifles , the old
man made for a tree and opened fire ,
the men in the boat standing up and
returning it with great spirit. At
Mitchell's second shot Cummings
dropped , and fell into the river. Ho
next brought down Bryson , who also
fell out of the boat. The stranger
was then left standing alone , with a
revolver in each hand , with which he
was making the bark on the old man's
tree ily. Mitchell took careful aim
and fired , and the stranger dropped in
the boat , which was drifting slowly
down stream. Satisfying himself that
the job had been well-done , the old
man got into his canoe and came up
to his hut , where he rested a day or
two , and then , with the idea of telling
bow it happened , he came to town
and reported.
In conversation Mitchell is very
agreeable. He said to tbe sheriff here :
"This here last little difficulty of mine
was on a bigger scale than anything
that I've ever been in before , ana
that's what troubled me a little. You
see , I know a white man's rights ev
ery time , and I wouldn't bother you at
all with tbis matter only I wanted the
thing all straight. . If it ain't all
straight just put your clamps on me.
If it is I want to be getting back to
business. I've had shooting before ,
but only one at a time , and everyone
of tbem was of some cuss who want
ed to murder me. I'm a harmless
man , and yet I never shoot without
hitting something. It's been my luck
always to ' bo on the defensive. Every
man that'I'vo been compelled to kill
has come at me wrons : , and Iwouldn't
harm anybody if everybody would let
me alone. The reason that I've never
been in before is because you were
bus } ' , and I knew there w 'an't any
case against me. If this last thing is
all right I'll get back to the swamp. "
As no complaint has been filed , the
swamp angel is evidently to be left un
disturbed by the authorites. With a
little better understanding between
him and the fellows that prowl around
his headquarters and take him for a
wild man there might be less blood
shed.
Lord Dudley's Heavy Bets.
Those sporting papsrs which have
alluded to the sensational wages with-
which the late Earl of Dudley used
from time to time to astonish the rac
ing world have somehow omitted to
record tho last bet which he ever
made , and which consisted in layin < *
10,000 to 4,000 on Petrarch , at As
cot , for the twenty-third Triennial ,
when Morning Star won. Into the
circumstances of that memorable race
we have no wish to inquire. Lord
Dudley , it is well known , refused to
settle the bet for somo weeks after
ward , and did not engage in any sub
sequent turf transactions. He had
not , indeed , paid a visit to any race
course of recent years , and had Ion1
since ceased to take any interest * in the
"sport of kings. " His wagers , as a
rule , were very successful ones were
chiefly negotiated on the classic races.
Bo had 9.000 to 2,000 about Heine
for th'o Oaks of 1872 , and in a' later
year netted an equally large amount
by the successes of Marie Stewart ,
Apology and Spmaway. With many
racing men the story of his having
offered to bet 20,000 to 10,000 on
Macgregor for the Derby of 1870 is
very familiar. The late Mr. 3. B.
Morris was the bookmaker who on
that occasion declined tbe sensational
wager , only to see Macgregor beaten
a quarter of an hour afterward. His
feelings may be imagined. Whitehall
lieview.
Disposal of tho Dead.
"A statement made by the counsel
for tho Greenwood cemetery , associa
tion at the recent investigation into-
the management of the cemetery's af
fairs is one to make people think moro
of cremation than ever before , " said a
gentleman who was present at tbo in
vestigation to a Mail and Express re
porter. "This was , tbat it was most
injudicious to allow relatives or friends
io bo present when remains which bad
: ong been in a grave wero taken out to
transferred to some otber place , be
cause tbe coffin was likely to nave be
come decayed and the remains bad to
je taken up with a shovel. Just think
of tbat ! I actually believe I'd rather
lave the urn idea adopted in place of
tbo present burial system , odd as it
seems. "
An officer of a cremation company ,
when asked by a reporter for particu-
ars regarding the mode of disposing
of tbe dead suggested by the above
remark , said that from all observations
cremation is destined , at no distant
day to supersede tbe practice of grave
) ur5als because it had none of their
offensive features. "As now conduct
ed at Gotha , Milan , and otber points
of Europe , " he added , "cremation is
not for a moment to be confounded
vith tho offensive custom of burning
on tho open pyre , as practiced by tbe
ancients. It is effected in a super
heated air chamber , which allows no
contact of fiame or fuel with tbe body ,
while all tho gasesand volatile pro
ducts of combustion are completely re
generated and rendered innocuous and
odorless before being liberated. Why ,
an approved modern crematory might
) e erected in Madison square , and but
or transporting the dead bodies
thitber , could not be an offense to any
one. Tbe process is accompanied with
no repulsive sight , sound , smell , noise
or smoke. "
"What is this process ? " was asked.
"The body , covered with a pall , is
) laced on a catafalque in the chapel
> r reception hall , whence it descends
noiselessly by means of an elevator to
; ho incinerating chamber. This , by
means of superheated air , has been
raised to a white heat at a tempera-
; ure of about 2,000 degrees fahrenheit.
, Vhen opened to receive the body tho
n-rushing cold air cools this chamber
; o a delicate rose tint , and the body ,
after remaining an hour in this bath of
rosy light , is completely decomposed.
Nothing remains but a few pounds
'about 4 per cent of the original
weight ) of clean , pure , pearly ashes.
Chese are then taken out and put in an
urn of terra cotta , marble , or other
suitable material , and placed in a
niche of the columbarium or delivered
o the friends of the deceased. "
"What is the usual cost of crema
tion ? "
"The cost of such a disposal of tho
luman body , after it reaches tho cre
matory , is from $10 to § 25 , according
; o circumstances. To this may be
idded , if desired , So for an urn and
$10 each for a niche in tho colum-
m'ium , where the urn may be kept ,
with an inscribed tablet placed in tho
vail below tho niche commemorative
of the deceased. Thus tho entire ex-
jcnso would not be over $50. New
fork Mail and Express.
The Publisher Crashed.
"I am , indeed , glad to hear that you
are prospering in jour newspaper yen-
tureV said a gentleman to the editor.
"Thanks , " responded tho quill
driver.
"Yes , I am indeed , glad to hear that
you are doing so well. A man who
las struggled along so bravely as you
lave , deserves to be successful. Close
application and persistaut work de
mands recognition. See how I have
abored , long and most industriously ,
and can look back to tho time when a
dollar was as big as a cart wheel , but ,
> y preservance and hard work , I have
) een enabled to count my wealth by
the thousands. "
"Fortune has , indeed , favored you. "
"It has for a fact , and the liuroic ef-
brts of every man suotild be fully ap-
> reciated by thoso wliu havo a soul
vithin him , and is financially able 'to
do so. "
"True , every word of ir. " said tho
editor , who was now assured that a
iwo dollar subscription was almosc
within his grasp , and another honored
would find itself the "
name on "an-
nointed list" of his subscribers. But
ou know us pnbli.-hers experience
jreat difficulty m colluutinj our sub
scription money , we are put off with
various excuses , and wi-ar out our
souis in our fraucio efforts to collect
what is duo us. "
"What is the subscription price to
your papers' " asked the gentleman as
10 put his hand in his pocket.
"Only two dollars , " replied the edi-
or. "Only two dollars a year , post
age paid. "
"Let me see , " said the gentleman ,
'that's only nve cents a week , cheap
enough. You may send it to me for a
year. "
The editor smiled a beautiful smile ,
which was instantaneously trans
mogrified into a scowl that was a cross
) etween the laugh of a frightened
dude , and the snarl .of a subdued
oarion , when the gentleman concluded
by saying :
"Here's five cents for the next issue ,
and you can send your boy to the house
every Saturday and collect the same
amount. I like to encourage home
alent. " Pretzel's Weekly.
American carpet-makers are excelling their
English competitors in artistic achievements.
American artisans and aitlsts have so often
hown that they can , if properly encouraged ,
ome off triumphantly in any field of rivalry ,
hat it behooves American buyers to wholly
abandon tncir unnatural worship of European
trade marks. The Current.
PMCILHfGS FBOM UFE.
' HAVE ' " miti
you anything to'sayln"
gation of your crime ? * '
"Can't say as 1 have/1
"Havo you anything to any before
sentence is passed , why the full penalty
of the law should not "be exacted ? "
"Well , no ; I reckon not. "
"You have nothmg then , tooffer in
extenuation of your misconduct ? "
"Hold on a minute , Judge ? Ibelieve
there is one little thing ; but I don't
know as it will count for much ,
either. "
"Well , what is it'T
"I never writ any spring poetry. "
"It is enough. The penalty shall be
as light as the law allows. Ten days ;
and you shall have turkey every meal
at my expense , for I used torun a
newspaper myself. "
"I CANNOT marry him , mamma , so
please do not urge"me further. "
"But , my dear child , he is - "
"I know what you would say ,
mamma , but it cannot be. I will not
be his wife. "
"Foolish girl ! Why will you bo so-
blind to your own interests ? Ho is all
that could be wished , and has nobad
habits. "
"You do not know him , , mamma ? "
"What do you mean ? "
"He eats onions. "
"But Cupid is blind. "
"That may be , but he can smell ,
and so can I , and I'll never throw my
self away on a man tbat goes around
smelling like a bologna factory
half thetime , if I have to be an old
maid. "
Duffy : I heard you wasout
West. "
"Yes I have been , but I got back
Saturday. "
"How did you like it ? "
"Well , I was a good deal disappoint
ed. Things have been misrepresented
like the mischief. "
"You don't tell me. "
"You can't believe anything you
hear. Why , bless you , I was even
disappointed about the wind : You
know what whopping big sto
ries they tell about tho wind out
there ? "
"Yes. "
"Well , don't you believe them. I
did , and I got fooled. From what I'd
heard about the tall blowing in the
prairie countries I went out west ex
pecting to see a good share of the peo
ple laying down and holding on to tho
grass to keep from being blowed away ,
but I didn't see anything of the kind.
You may stand a board straight up
against the house , and the wind will
hold it there three weeks at a stretch ,
but when it comes to blowing the hair
from a dog slick and clean , why it
just can't do it , that's all. "
"I'll own that I love yon , but - "
"Blessed girl ! And you will bo mv
wife ? "
"I say I love you - "
"Of course you do , and you are a
darling for doing it. But when shall
we be married , my love ? "
"It can not be. "
"What ! Not be ! But you said you
loved "
me -
"Yes ; too true ; but I can not be
your wife. "
"But why , mv " darling ? Do your
folks forbid ? "
No. On the contrary , my mother
iavors your suit , and has urged me to
accept you. "
"Then Where's "
the hitch ?
"Alas ! I can not tell you. "
"But you must. "
"I can not bring nivself to do it. "
"And why not ? "
"I would wound "
not your feelings.
"Fudge on my feelings ! Out with
it. What's wrong ? "
"Please do not insist. " *
"But I do insist. Come , what's tho
trouble ? "
"I could never respect you I saw
you kick the dog. Oh , Harry ! how
could you boo-hoo ! "
"And is that all ? Ha-ha ! My !
what a fright you gave me. I thought
it was something serious. There's no
drawback about that , and we'll be
married as soon as you can get ready.
You poor little goose ! If every woman
had to respect her husband there'd be
precious few weddings. " Chicago
Iedaer.
"
*
M
A Fair Distiller.
Miss Bet tie Smith , of Fentress
county , Tenn. , has been arrested on a
charge of illicit distilling and has been
taken to Nashville. She is said to be
handsome and accomplished , and is
supposed to have written that wild and
stirring romance "The Blue Headed
Sap-Sucker or The Kock Where the
Juice Han out. " Col. Harvey Ma thes ,
editor ot the Memphis Ledger says
that Miss Smith is undoubtedly the
author of the story. This is a start
ling revelation in Tennessee. At one
timeColonel Matties oflered three
thousand dollars for tho discovery of
the author.
When Miss Smith was arraigned be
fore the United States court , she con
ducted herself with stish grace and
dignity , that ihc polite old judge ,
deeply impressed , arose and made her
a profound bow.
"Miss Smith , " said the judge , "to
see you in this awful predicament seri
ously touches me. "
"It does me too , jiulge. "
"How old are you ? " "
"Judge , you should not nsk such n
question , but i will lullou. . lam two
years older than my married sister ,
who was marrird before she was as
old as 1 am. She has been married
eighteen months and stiilpeiks well
of her husband. Now how old am 1 ? "
"I cannot tell. "
"I am not to blame for your mathe
matical inefficiency. "
"Why did you go into the business
of illicit distilling ? "
"Because I wanted to make whis
ky. "
"I suppose so. How long have vou
been a distiller ? "
"Ever since I was sixteen years
old. "
"When were you sixteen years old ? "
"The year my father died. . "
"What year was that ? '
"The vear my Uncle Henrv moved
'
to Texas' "
"Miss Smith , yon are a woman , but
I insist that you shall answer my ques
tions. Remember that if convicted of
this awful charge , you will be sent to
the penitentiary. .What did yoa do
with the whisky yon made ? " ,
"Sold it" *
"Who bought it ? "
"Well , judge , it wonld bo' rather
hard to toll who bought it all. Some
time ago a party of gentlemen caino
out into my neighborhood to hunt
deer. Tho party got out of whisky ,
but found it difficult to buy any. Af-
nwhilo I told a man if he would put
his 'jug down on a silver-5 dol-
lar and go away ho might ,
when ho came back , find the jug
full of whisky. Ho did so. " .
"Would you know the man ? "
"Oh , yes , sir , I recognized him in a
moment. You are the man , judge. "
Arbanaaw Traveler.
Successful Drummer.
Tiie Sun has always maintained that
the traveling men , tho "drummers , . "
had moro enterprise and vinegar in
their composition than any class of
men in the known world. Tho idea
has been illustrated tho past few
weeks by the drummer Howard , trav
eling for the Colt firearms company ,
of Hartford. The company desired to
bring the merits of their Gatling gun
before the people. It was a gun that
they prided themselves on , and all
they wanted was a chance to show it.
The reaper manufacturers send reap
ers to Texas early in the season , with
experts to work them on the ripening
grain , and why should not the gun
men gowhere the rebels wero rifiefor
cutting down. Howard took his sam
ple case of gun and checked it to Win
nipeg. He called on Gen. Middleton
and asked for permission to show
his goods , and the general told him to-
pack up and come along to where tUo
crop of rebel half breeds was waiting
for the harvest. Howard took his gun
and a package of circulars and went
to the front , and when the battle was
going on , he unpacked his machine
and opened on the enemy. Ho mowed
them down right and left , and tho
Canadian troops stopped firing and
watched the Yankee with his pepper
box. There was no use in their fool
ing away time firing their single guns ,
when Howardf could throw a basket
full of balls right into the ranks of tho
half breeds by simply turning a crank.
It was the greatest success that any
drummer ever met with since tho
agent for a cathartic pill visited a
bilious neighborhood years ago and
gayo away pills to all who would tako ! l
them. As the farmers of Texas gather
around a successful reaper at a trial ,
and order machines for their own use ,
so the Canadian soldiers gathered
around Howard , complimented him ,
and shook his hand , and said they
would have to havo somo of those
guns. The modest drummer admitted ,
that the slain were not his enemies at
all , but he had simply killed them in
the way of business.andhe hoped thcro
would be no hard feeling. Ha
felt like asking tho pardon of tho '
widows and orphans that he had made I ;
by his experinienls , but business was
business , and ho hoped they would
recognize the necessity of a man earn
ing an honest living , though it becamo
necessary to depopulate a country in
doing so. All he asked was a trial of
his goods and ho wonld guarantee sat
isfaction , or it should not cost a cent.
To make the affair complete , there
should have been drummers present
from an embalming establishment , to
demonstrate how easily and cheaply
bodies could be embalmed , so they
would retain the natural appearance
until the remains could be taken homo.
Dealers in coffins at wholesale might
have been with Middleton with sam
ples of goods , and the Rochester man
who sells those beautiful hearses
might have been present with a few
hearses to sell to the half breeds.
War is a peculiar science , and it is
necessary , probably , to kill people ,
but it is not necessary and it is not
right for business men to murder hu
man beings in order to sell goods.
This case may be overlooked becauso
the rebels who were killed were poor
and friendless , but as Howard was not
an enlisted Canadian soldier , he had a
narrow escape from being a premedi
tated murderer. If that Gatling gun
had been used as an advertisement on
the rioters at Joliet , and the drum
mer had killed anybody , not being an
enlisted soldier of the State of Uli-
nois , he would have been murdered ,
or tried for murder , and his employ
ers , the Colt Arms Co. , would very
likely have been mulcted in damages
for millions of dollars. It is possible
they may now. If the families of thoso
killed by Howard can prove that he
killed them , as an authorized agent of
tho millionaires of Connecticut , and
they can get justice in tho courts ,
there is no dead sure thing that tho
experiment of selling guns by killing
people for fun , as the ferret kills rats ,
may not prove the niost expensive
piece of business ever indulged in by
a Yankee rustler. Tho Colts may be
made bankrupt by that one experi
ment , and few would regret it if they
were. There is such a thing as car
rying "business" too far. Pec&'s
Sun.
A Small Boy's Ingenuity.
.The invention of the valve motion
to a steam engine was made by a mere
boy. Newcomen's engine was in a
very incomplete condition , from the
fact that there was no way to open or
close the valves except bv means of
levers operated by hand. . He set up a
large engine at one end of tho mines ,
and a boy ( Humphrey Potter ) was
lured to work these valve lovers. Al
though this is not hard work , yet it
required his constant attention. As
ho was working the levers he saw that
parts of the engine moved in the right
diiection , and at the same time he had
to open and close the valves.
He procured a strong cord and
made one end fast to the proper part
of the engine and the other end to the
valve-lever , and the boy had tho sat
isfaction of seeing the engine move
with perfect regularity of motion. A
short time after the foreman camo
around and saw the boy playing mar
bles at the door. Looking at the en
gine , he saw the ingenuity of the boy ,
and also the advantage of his inven
tion. The idea suggested by the bov's
inventive genuis was put into practic
al form , and made the steam engine
an automatic working machine.
Boston Budget.