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About Nebraska advertiser. (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 2, 1882)
Artemu Ward an J the London Cabbj. Artpniu1? Ward, tho princo of humor ists, positively revelled In what I think lie was the lirst to dub n "goak." I re member. Jatc one nieht in the fall of 1866, Artemus, dear little Jeff i rowse t l t 1.1.. W ..... !.. .!,.. t.. .nd mv humble sell were lelt alono in Iho club room at Ashloy's. Artemus i proposed an adjournment to tho Al hatnbra. I'rowse and self joyfully as-' scntcd. Artemus asked Jeff to charter a cab. Tho vehicle soon drew up. It was a clear nieht, and the hotel and street lamps shed a bricht light, which , - - ..., . . Cave US a full VIOW Of the driver's face. He was cravo and stolid-looking, and ; vorv evidently self-possessed. Artemus seemed to study the man's features for a brief moment; then ho intimated to me in a whisper that ho was going to have a lark with cabby. Assuming a grave air, which sat so marvclously well on his face, he addressed the man in triow, measured accents. "My friend," he faid, "you look to roe a man of thought and experience, in fact, tho very man likely lo decide a most im portant and most uit.kult question which has arisen between me and friend there," pointing to Jeff, who looked slightly puzzled. "Do you take me? Will you be arbiter between us?" vauuv iookpu so uuuioub uv .irst wit thought lie was going to say "Gn Inon,,, or "Shut up, or something Cabby lookod so dubious at first that I 5am- JJIof 1.A KAW, 11 ..... ....J... W . ... 3...a...l ! tent did Artemus look, and so supernal- j ly grave wa3 his manner that tho man's , hand case, which is intended for tho Mispicions faded away from his face as t Chicago mnrket, and is likely to bo snow will under a hot sun. He gave a Fneedily sold. There is nothing nppar-half-grunt, then said briefly: "Hru cutly wrong with this fourth egg, save way.Mguvnor, let's know wat's all that its yelk is broken. A housekeeper abont- might not like it, but, it is a good baker's "Well," responded Artemus with eg5.' slow dclibcrateness, weighing every -Why are all the first-class eggs word, apparently. "Well, look ye , shipped to Now York?" inquired the ro- iiuii;, uun, luy iiiuuu, tuui uuuvuiiiu j there" pointing again to Jeff I'rowso, who, not knowing exactly how Charley might choose to compromise him with a mayhap irate Jehu, legan to give slight signs of feeling rather uncomlortablo "maintains that therois the divergence of contradictory opinions, which hi tho natural logical sequence of reasoning, and in the inferential conclusions of ar gumentation, must in the final end in evitably lead to convergence, and con cord and harmony among people, and bring about that most devoutly-wished-for consummation when man to man the world all o'er, shall brethren bo and a' that. 1 trust you follow me, .my friend!" "I follow you, guv'nor; fire away," said cabby, briefly, who ev idently was not quito clear yet what it .all could possibly bo about Now, you sec, my good fellow," pursued Arte mus, with increased inlcutness of face and graver pondorousness of manner and diction, "I, on tho other part, 'assert, and I mean to Btick to it, too, let gainsay who may" with a fcrociou .glare our way "that it is contrariwise and opposite, tho convergence of con current, concordant and coincident opinions that must inevitably in its cor ollary and concomitant consequen tial train of its outcoming results .lead to divergencies, difficulties and differences" raising his voice to a higher pitch, and frantically sawing and beating the air with his outstretched Tight arm "which will make ono man jump at another's throat and strive to strangle him to death!" Then ho pro ceeded, more quietly: "Now, my friend you cannot but admit that 1 have placed the caso fairly before you. Now, please, give us your decision " Cabby, who had apparently listened with much serious attention to this riir- roarolc, bent his head on one side, and 1 with ono eye shut, gave Artemus the benefit f an inimitably droll look. Then lio proceeded with gravity of manner equal to Ward's and still more ponder ous slowness of enunciation, to deliver himself of tho following oracul r de cision, which would have done honor to great llusby himself: "Well, guv'nor, it is a knotty pint and a 'anf nut to crack for tho likes o' me; seein' as thero is a great deal to be said on both aides; and don't ye think, now, guv'nor. it's raythor a dry question to settle? Vicli 1 knowed from tho first yo vos a gen'leman, hevery inch o' von, guv' nor." Having said which ho looked ex pectant. "Sold!" cried Artemus, laughing', jumping into the vehicle fol lowed by us. "You shall have your liquor, cabby. Drive on." Jlcminis cencoeofan Old Bohemian, Ei,-Canillin. An odd trade is that of tho egg-can-ller. Ono having been advortised for a few days ago, a lYibunc reporter to whom the word "candlcr" was full of mystery, took the liberty of calling upon tho adverser for an explanation. Thither tho reporter went, and in tho shadow of a huge bank of egg-cases on the side-walk dtecovered a passage-wny labeled "Mutter" which led into the basement of the building designated. Entering, the reporter found himsolf in a small npartnent, which may be truth fully aid to be the fullest apartment Ire ever entered. The space occupied by two young men, una n cas.es, was filled with a innumerablo ejrc- stench so thick that the reporter felt like tutting off a chunk of it nnd bearing it away as a trophy. But as nothing save "hen- fruit" was visible, he was constrained instead to inquire if poult ry-cholem was prevalent just at present. One of the young men tumbled off the pile of cases on which he was reclining, and afUir rolling over the ilojrwith laughter two or three times, aroe and "said, quietly: "No; I guess the hens are all well." Alter a few words of nx planation as to the nature of the call, tho joung man kindly consented to give an exhibition of egg-candling, and ,led tho way. Going up to a dirty-!ook-jiyj patch on tho wall, ho drew aside au olu gray army blanket, disclcsbsg a lighted interior beyond. He real- izetl tho effect, for ho stopped long enough on the threshold to pay: Oh! come in. Thi ain't no trap; it's the cnndling-room." The apart inont was found to be about t-cveii by three feet, and upon a bench at one cn,i crc lhrco orcn em-cases. A .. . ?.. . . . small metallic oil-lamp was attached by a wooden fixture to the farther end of tho middle box. This furnished the only light in tho room. Tho candler walked up to tho bench with a watch rae-jiifnrlo-thum air, and. turnlnc back his shirt-sleeves, ulunired both hands into the middle box. and suddenlv . - W- VUi ..rnnn - iit forth four ohirknn.hndR.1' WHlf the thumb and fore-finjrer of each hand tho uppermost eggs were caught up and held lor an instant only in front 01 the flame. There was a convulsive movement of tho hands, and, with all tho dexterity of a sllght-of-hand per former, the uppermost" eggs had given place to the other two, and were being more carefully examined bclorc the light, "There," said the candlcr, de signating an apz with a clear, transpa rent shell, and a vividly rosy light snowing through it, "that is strictly a iri'sa egg. i piu mat. in me ngni-imuu box, which is intended for the New York market This one. is not quite so fresh, but it will do. This, you see, is spotted; that s where the yelk has last eucd to the shell because the egg laid too lone in one position. It is not a sliirlitA' bau oss. however, though ii may ue stale, and 1 put it into the left porter. sin 'Simply because they keep longest, and arc longest in finding their way into the consumer's hands. An egg which is perfectly good in Chicago to day might not be good ten days hence in New ork." The candler proceeded with his work at a truly remarkable rate of speed, stopping only now and then to point out tho pcculiarit' of an egg which had been kont in too warm. cold, or damn a i placo, or had been subjected to some sort of preserving process while vet in tho hands oi the larmcr. bo dett was ho in his business that the eggs, as ho shuffled them to and fro, seldom or nev er touched each other, and as for break ing one, that is something a candler very rarely doos Suddenly he paused over ono which plainly nhowed the ori gin of tho term "chicken-bud." "That is a good egg for a restaurant man," suggested tho reporter. "WhyF " Why, he can charge spring chicken prices for it" Ajrain the candlcr went off into a con vulsion of laughter. It was evident that though he might know stale old eggs when he saw them, he did not know equally stale old jokes when he heard them. This egg found a resting-place among others in a large bucket, and during tho interview the candler busied himself in pointing out monstrosities in the eggs which ho had thrown aside as worthless. Very many of these had really been laid by hens that were not well, "and all sorts of peculiarities were visible in the "fruit." Tho candler's pay is uniformly ten cents per caso of thirty-six dozen, and an adept at the business can make threo dollars per day easily, and more by working overtime. Several other candling rooms were visited, and candlors of various degrees of proficiency were conversed with. Saicl one: "fcggs are a good deal like fruit. A damp, foul atmosphere and extremes of heat or cold affect them as quickly and as seriously as fine fruit. The shell of an cjrjr is exceedingly porus, and when the place of storage is too warm and dry the albumen evapor ates, and when too cold and damp the egg seems to lose its vitality and rapidly becomes stale. Tho porous shell also admits of absorption, and in my opinion a single rotten egg. tho shell of which happens to be broken or cracked, will contaminato whole dozens of eggs in the same case. Any experienced candler will, I think, tell you the same thing. The present system of egg-carriage, which was designed simply to prevent breakage, has done a great deal to improve the market quality of eggs. They do not come into contact with each other, and after they are once packed no amount oJ knocking about will addle them." "There doos uot seem to be much ex cuso then lor the grocer who sens had eggs among good ones.-" " There is no excuse at is no excuse at an. it nc I pays tho market price, and buys ol ! somo reliable commission man, "there can be no oxcuso. The candler has be come a necessity to the ess. trade, and if he is a competent man at his business he can read an ess as you would a book. Caudliug oo.ts but ten cents a ! case of thirtv-six dozen: now what cx- enso can thero be for the merchant whe , refuses to have his ernrs candled? He is dishonest, and means to t-ell rottec eggs and grocers should avoid him as thoy would any other swindler." Just then nn order camo in for onr dozen cases for tho New York market, and tho candler was obliged to quit talkiug and go to vork. Chicago Jri't- UMC Ono way to give variety to tin breakfast is to cook come thin slices o'. salt pork thus: Put them in cold water and set them on tho stove, and let then come to a boil; then drain off all the water and fry them for about four min utes, cr uutil they are nearly freo froir grease; then dip them in a batter made of egg and flour, and fry them till a light brown and crisp. X. 1 Post, FACTS AXD FIOOHES. The New York State Fair receipts atUt'cathis year were $15,610, being the largest sum on record for seven yekra. The maximum rate per milo for Easscngers over railroads in California as been fixed by the Stato Board of Railroad Commissioners at 4 cents, a reduction in some cases of about '10 per cent. President Barrios, of Guatemala, receives a salary of $1,000 a month. He has been in office twelve years, and is worth $,000.000. Tho de'bt of his country is $9,000,000, and growing. A. Y. Sun. Tho Pennsylvania Steel Association held its annual" meeting at Philadelphia recently. The Secretary's report showed that in ten years tho produc tion of steel increased from 160,108 tons to 1,778,912 tons. A man in Delaware County, Pa., has COO hens which produco 63,000 "chicken buds" per annum an aver age lay of 105 eggs each. His profits amount to about 1,000 a year on eggs alone. Philadelphia rcss. Tho demand for high-grade glass ware of domestic manulacture has greatly increased in the United States of late years. Not ten years ngo tho snpply was obtained almost entirely lrom t ranee and liohemia. John Rnpp, residing near Glass boro, N. J., has 2,000 cherry trees, 14, 000 apple trees. 8,000 peach trees, 1,000 pear trees, 15 acres of grapes, 15 of raspberries and 14 of blackberries. The farm consists of 220 acres. In the last fiscal year 19.989 letters with money, 24,575 with drafts chocks, etc, 39.242 with photographs 52,463 with potage stamps, ano: 90,842 packa- Ees of merchandise brought up at the eud letter Office. Detroit Free Press. Among remarkable p oductions re cently mentioned by local papers of Nebraska . c: Three oat-heads carry ing respectively 168. 222 and 254 grains; a peach 11 inches in circumference and weighing 10 ounces; a stalk of corn over 14 let high and 2 inches in diameter at the thickest part, and an ther 15 feet in length nd carrying 9 ears. Ono of the most extensive tree planters in the world is declared by tho English journal Land to be the Duko of Athole. Every year, it says, he Slants from 600,000 to 1,000,000 trees. Hiring the present season he has cov ered with trees a plantation of some 2,000 acres. By the gale which do st oyed tho Tay bridge his plantations were denuded of 80,000 trees. One of the Dukes of Athole is still known as the Planter Duke. In the year 1774, his Dunkeld hills were almost entirely bare, and he bega.i to plant on a large scale. Before he died he h d planted 27,000,000 trees, which covered 15.000 acres. WIT AXD WISDOM. Virtue is its own reward, and health and happiness is pay enough for beinjr sood. When a real shrewd Virginia farm er wants a big tree chopped down and cut up, ho tells the neighbors that there's a coon in it, and they'll have it down in ten minutes. Boston Pott. ' The Chicago, Milwaukee & St Paul Road has put on a ball-room car to dance in. Next will be an ice-cream car, and then the boys will walk when they want to go West Chicago Herald. Medical intelligence is more large ly tliffused than any other information. There is hardly a house in town where a man can complain of a sore throat or a pain in the head that somebodj will not tell him what will cure it " Eh.bien!" exclaimed Miss Kate to the tradesman. " What is the price of your gneiss peaches?" "Turfa," he replied laconically. "That's schist what I want. Give me. two quartz strata way. 1 want to catch mica. A doleryto?' And silicate bounced out of the store without paying atolL Yale Record. "My dear," said a very mock and henpecked music teacher to "his buxom wife, "don' t you think 3011 have spanked Johnny long enough? His cries annoy me exceedingly." "Just one passage more," said the exhilarated mother, shifting the animated key-board to the other knee, and blowing upon her con gested palm. "We will close with an idyl for the left hand." Exclmngc. A Suspicious Character: A prom inent Austin politician woke up his colored man a lew nights ago and told him to search tho house, as ne was sure there was a burglar on the premises. Tho darkey hunted the house all over and reported as follows: "Colonel, I has hunted from top to bottom, and ef dar is any 'spishous character 'ceptin' you in do house, I can't find him." Texas Si flings. A scholar in ono of Binghamton's public schools, who had been over the map of Asia, was renewed bj his teach er, with the following result: "What is geography?" "A big book." What is the earth composed of?" "Mud." "No; land and water." "Well, that makes mud, don't iti" "What is the shape ol the earth?" "Flat" "If I should dig a hole through the earth, where should I come out at?" "Out of tho hole."-A". Y. Herald. An artist met a connoisseur on the street tho other day and said to him: "1 say, you know all "about pictures and I want you to come up and look at a big ono I've just finished and give me your opinion about it That conceited a-s, Sludge, who pretends to be a critic, came up to look at it yesterday and said 'twas bad, and I kicKed hiin down fctairs confound his impudence! But you come up to-morrow and tell ma whatvou think of it" It is not res cordod, however, that tho connoisseui tccepted the imitation Boston Journal, Failures nt School. A boy named William Elner died not long since in New York under circum stances of terrible significance to every parent He had passed into the gram mar school in the autumn or winter, nnd was ambitious to reach a high jrado in the next June examinations, in order that his portrait might appear in a cer tain school journal. He studied out of school late into tho night giving himself but two hours in the day for recreation. As the examina tions approached, the nervous strain up on him became more exhausting, until one day ho sank down at his desk, and was carried home to die with cerebro spinal meningitis. During his delirium he recited his lesons unceasingly, or scribbled prob lems on his pillow. The strain must have been terrible, as he was not a weak or sickly boy, which was proved by the fact that he lingered for weeks in the grasp of a disease which often proves fatal in a few days. In the same week in which thi3 boy died, a young girl in a New York gram mar school, failing to pass iu her exam inations, and made insane by her mortification nnd disappointment, threw herself into the North River. Now the dullest observer must sec that a system of education which pro duces such destructive effects upon the immature brains of ch Jdren, is faulty. The object of education is to strengthen the mental fa-ulties, not to cripple them by loading them with burdens which they cannot earn. Instead of this, the purpose too often seems to be to force in the briefest time the greatest amount of undigested facts into the pupil's mind, that he mako a brill. ant show at examination. By this course dull boys are urged into a course of study possible only to ex ceptionally clever boys. Unfortunately, the majority of boys are not exception ally clever, and the boys who arc dull at their books should be considered, for they may have other capabilities which will be quite as useful in the world as those of their more scholarly fellows. It is tho duty of every parent to watch and control the training of his child. If he has a quick brain and strong ambi tion, like this poor boy, Elner, let him be taught at home that there are higher and broader aims before him than class honors, or the publication of his portrait in a school paper. Accurate knowledge, sound physical health, it cheerful temperament, and a clear, calm, reasonable mind, should be the real objects of youthful training, and an' feverish competition or petty prizes which destroy these should bo avoided. If a boy is naturally slow, and cannot keep pace with his fellows, let him take heart; learn what he can; learn that thoroughly; and go forward toward the manhood that awaits him. Out in the big world where he is to play his part it matters little whether his school average was two or ten. If he is truth ful and honest; if what he has learned ho has well digested, and he has shown that he is not a sluggard if he is slow; his work is ready and waiting for him there, and the very qualities 01 slowness and thoroughness may help him to a higher placo among men than if he had been Dux every year at school. Youth's vompamon. American Fables. A Horse owned by a Peasant one day refused to draw his load, having be come tired of the tyranny of man. " Perhaps I have been too hard with him." soliloquized the Peasant, "and I will now make his burdens easier for a time." The Horse was therefore given light er loads, his supply of provender in creased, and his master never appeared at tho stable without a lump of sugar in his fingers. A Fox who had observed how tho thing worked paid a visit to a Mule owned by the same Peasant and a&ed: "Do you want more oats and hay?" "I should murmur," replied "the Mule. "And would you like to loaf half your time away in the clover field?" "I'm blessed if 1 wouldn't!" " And have some one rub you down with a piece of velvet and fee'd you cut loaf sugari" " It makes my mouth water to think of it" said tho Mule as ho nibbled at the fence. "Very well then," continued tho Fox. " All j ou have to do is to refuse to budge when hitched up. Tho Horse Elayedthat same, and the result is that e has become sleek and fat." Next day when tho Peasant hitched the Mule to his cart the animal refused to move. "What! rebellion in my old Mule, too!'' shouti'd the Peasant" "Indeed I cannot permit both animals to defy my authority. Having exhausted my'kind words and Sugar on tho Horse," 1 will try the virtues of a club on the Mule." He thereupon pounded the animal until he was glad to speed faster and draw a heavier load than ever before. StOltAL. The Fox had been watching the affair from a fence corner, and as he saw the reMilt he chuckled to himself: " A rich man may have his fence in the street but a poor man must keep his sidewalk in repair to escape the Law." Detroit Free Press. Pa, Til be right sorry when you get well," said a little Aus"tin bo to his bick parent " Why, my son?"" "Be- cause 1 wont rrAt ani more empty I sell 'em for medicine bottles to b" "".' selL five cents a piece to the Texas Siftings. drug store." -Vermont has sixteen saying banks and 42,538 depositors, 200.71 to thfcir credit. with 5-12,075,. PI CERiRlEDY. FOB RHEUMATISM, Neuralgia, Sciatica, Lumbago, Backache, Soreness of iho Chest, Gout, Quinsy, Sore Throat, Swell ings and Sprains, Burns and e Scalds, General Bodily ,& Pains, ' ' ' Tooth, Ear and Headache, Frosted Feet and Ears, and all othor Pains and Aches. No Preparation on rarth equali St. Jaoom Otmv ai a ufe, turr, tttnple and chtup External Ilrtned; A trial enulli but the comparaUrely trilling oat lay of 00 CraU, and CTerjr one ufftrinc with pain can liar cheap and poiitlvt proof of it (lalmi. -I Direction! in EUren LangnafH. SOLD BY ALL DRUGGIRT8 ACT) SEALESg IN MEDICINE. A. VOGELER fc CO., gifHUaanrg.Jfrf., XT. 8. X. nac& yj m VQ) BALAAM Toil ccsrsrins rrpresenu the Lnng In a bealUzr states A Good Family Remedy! STRICTLY PURE. Harmless to the Most Delicatei By iU faithful eta COKStTXTTIOir HAS SEEK CUBED when other Remedial and Phyai- ciaaj hava failed to effect a cure. Wx. C Diooeh. Merchant of Bowlln Orecn, Va.. jrrilra April 1. 1SSU that lie want! ua to know that tha Luxo iIauum hcu cured Mi tnothrr of consumption. after the phjralclan had Riven her up as incurable, lie aaya. other knowing her caae hae taken the Ilalsam and been cured; be tulnka all ao afflicted auould lrc It a trial. Wic. A. Graium & C:, Wholesale DniRrUU. Zanrirtllc, Ohio, write ua of the cure of Matiiias I KiEMAV. a well-known citizen, who had been af fileted lth uronchltla In lta worat form for twelve jeare. The Lfso IULJAJt cured him, aa K has maaj othcra, of Bronchitis. VOLtTTTART EDITORIAL FROM THE BVBCqCE HERALD. Allix's Lu.vo Balsam Is a popular remedr in Dubuque and the surrounding eountir. The drug Blt horn we hare interviewed In rveard lo the sale of different remidlei for Lung Diaeawa. all apeak In high term of Allen's l,une Balaam, not onlr aa havlnr the Urgent sale, hut of eI ing entire satisfaction wher everllls used. In relation to tta excellrat curative prppcrtlea we can spenlc from experience, havluc used It In oar family fbraloncUtue. As an Expectorant It has No Equal. FOR SALE BT Oil MEDICINE DEOLEBS. smLF, L A The remedial prcpnrtlr of Arnica flowers, Oum OamrW and Carlolle Arid are known to the whole world. t hen combined with I'etrolina Jn proper pro portlonalhry hare no emiol for the eure of dlrease, Aralratrrf rlr..ll.n)lld andblandtariJieable for all very sore ai.d tender lnliiiiea, litimi. aealda, cuts, hrutsek, hlUlrra, bit. ot ln-cts. etc C. .hratf4 forneura kIh, pout,rtirimttnn. painful tumnra and Wllmrn, hunlun. ennui ami pains of ev. err description. t-rfc laird for nleem, running sore, scrofulous tnmnnt. rr)lx-Us. nasal catarrh, piles, tettrr.lteh. In fact aIldliaraor the Un.ril oi simple letnillna may be used In an oftheahnie complaint. Internally it neter fall to retleTenore throat, harenesveiU(ihs,eroHp and bronchial afTre tlons. Sold h) all Drutnrins. saiuid&or.pertoule. HOSIHTE The true antidote t ,the effects of miasma is Hosteler's Stonv acr- Bitters. This medicine Is one of the most popular reme dies of an ace of sue cessful proprietary specific, and is in T immense demand wherever on this evn Unent fever and ague exlsta. A wlneclass ful three times a dsr is the best possible preparative for en rountttinca malsrl- fe k STOMACH . J ous aimospneie. rcc ulatlng the lhcr, and In vt co rating the stom ach. For sale by all Druggists and Deal era reueraUv. LONGFELLOW) CALENDARS AMI J rOR EMERSON 1 1883. The former has a capital portrait and a view of Long fellow's home: the latter a view oi Emeryon's hone. Both are admirably designed, printed in rich and t&steiul colors, with choice rejections for each dav, the njot desirable calendars ever produced in Amer ica. $1 each. Soli by booksellers, feot, post-pa! en receipt of price ty the publishers, 110U01ITO.N, UlttUS & CO., i Tix SraiiT, Boston, Uh Tfl VfltlMR WDw "ho wish to learu Steam KnCtneer- U UUlly Aklilms. aend your nam with ie. in' umpi to r, hilTi, Engineer, tiridfirport, CQB. 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