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The' Commoner
VOL. 15, NO. 12
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Whether Common or Not
When Christinas Comes
When .Christmas comes, I never mind
iho cold,
I liko to get up prompt an' go to
school,
An' do my sums,
An' clean tho walks 'thout waitin' to
bo told
Though I like sleddin' better, as a
!j rule,
i Or buildln' forts But nothin' ain't so
, . bad,
When Christmas comes.
When Christmas comes, I'd just as
lief givo half
' My cooky to the baby, an' take care
About tho crumbs.
, It's fun to mako the little fellow
laugh.
An' I don't mind his taggin' ev'ry-
whero.
: He can't holp boin' little! I'm not mad
f When Christmas comes.
"t When Christmas comes, I don't forget
to give
My shoes a wipe, an' scrub my ears
; a lot
Till my head hums.
An' mother says, "That boy's too good
to live!"
5 But I'm not 'fraid of dyin', 'cause
1 I'm not
No different from always only .glad
". When Christmas comes!
--Abigail William Burton, in the St.
6 Nicholas.
J J Safe at Last
t, Tho country had finally been made
j, proof against invasion and conquest
try to please its people.
bit, in Life.
-W. D. Nes-
Tho Schedule Crank
Tho man who is living this life on
schedule time deserves to be an ob
ject of pity. I know of one creature
who is so precise in his appointments
that he is actually living a month in
advance of himself. You say to him,
"Whatchergonado tomorrer noon,
Bill?" and he'll consult his little vest
pocket engagement book and inform
you that he is filled up as far as next
Wednesday at 10 p. m. (meaning en
gagements, of course). Then you say:
"I want you to lunch with me tomor
row at 12!" "Let me see," says he,
"I have a fifteen-minute canceled en
gagement at that time, so I'll accept
your invitation; meanwhile you'll ex
cuse me, dear boy, for I have a di
rector's meeting on at 4:23 and leave
for Goplunk, N. J., at 6:48, but I'll
be on hand at 12 sharp!" And he re
cords it in his book. This schedule
crank has everything prearranged ex
cept his funeral, and if he happens to
have a previous engagement I'll
wager he'll disappoint the mourners
by postponing that! "Zim," in Car
toons Magazine.
"I should say it is," replied
other emphatically. "It shows
for beating his wife. That's not a,
very good record, is it?"
the,
the.
family is getting better with each gen
eration. I'm an improvement on the
entire bunch never been in jail yet.
Let me have those records I'm
proud of 'em." Boston Transcript.
Says Old P. G. Pester
Stammerers are useful in breaking
news to bereaved relatives.
There are no hopeless fools. One
fool has moie hope than forty wise
men.
The average self made man acts
as if. he had been made in the remote
backwoods.
The small town big man is great
merely because his associates are so
trivial.
The pessimist insists upon turning
his gar coato-1 pills wrong side out,
so that ho may taste the bitter instead
of the sweet. Judge.
i
For fifty miles back from each coast
and from tho borders there was noth
ing but a series of bristling fortB.
Every farm was dotted with Concealed
batttries und with concrete founda-
i tions for heavy field pieces. Every
house in every city and village was
' fitted with concrete redoubts and with
. places for mounting rapid fire guns.
Every public building was either an
arsenal or an armory. Every street
was mined and every waterway was
equipped with torpedo nets. So com-
pie' was the military preparedness
. of the nation hat you had only to
.go half a block in any direction to
' find arms and ammunition. The mil
itary authorities promptly suppressed
any grumblings over their action in
commandeering back yards, lawns,
wings of houses, sections of farms,
v boulevards, streets alleyways, fac-
tories or whatever place they wished
. for the placing of defense guns for
strategical purposes. Tho civilian
I population wa3 further protected by
being required to understand and con
form to military regulations. All
street cars, automobiles, railway
trains and passenger boats were ar
mored, and half of each convey
ance was occupied by quick-firing
guns and a detachment of soldiery.
In tho rural districts, planting and
J cultivation, as well as harvesting,
i were permitted only when they did
not interfere with army maneuvers.
The nation had been thoroughly
I and adequately protected. No enemy
S could invade, attack or conquer it
fi with impunity or with any chance
whatsoever.
C But, strange to say, after the coun-
' try had been made absolutely the
, safest in tho world, nobody would live
; in it, and soon it became a desolate
lruin,, because there were no taxpay-
f ' n left? to support the army and
jjifnayy and maintai.. the military ef-
blsmen..ts.
lt 'is very hard to manage a coun-
It Was the First Time
Jones was a past master of the hab
it of carelessness. He dropped things
around in any old place and after
wards never remembered where that
place was. One night he rose from
bed to get some medicine and swal
lowed his collar button in mistake
for a cough drop.
"Mary," said he to his wife when
the awful truth dawned upon him, "I
have swallowed my collar button."
"Tin t's all .right," responded wife
in a tone of evident satisfaction.
"There's nothing to worry about."
"Nothing to worry about?" re
turned father. "Do you "
"That's what I said," interrupted
little wifey. "For once in your life
you know where you've put it."-:
Philadelphia Telegraph.
Champion Pessimist
This one has the merit of being
true, anyhow:
The official pessimist of a small
western city, a gentleman who had
wrestled with dyspepsia for years,
stood in front of the postofllce as the
noon whistles sounded.
"Twelve o'clock, eh?" he said, half
to himself and half to an acquaint
ance, "Well, I'm going home to din
ner. If dinner ain't ready I'm going
to raise trouble and if it is ready I
ain't going to eat a bite." Saturday
Evening Post.
French Politeness
As a truly polite nation the French
undoubtedly lead the world, thinks a
contrit itor to a British weekly. Tho
other day a Paris dentist's servant
opened the dorr to a woebegone pa
tient, t
"And who, monsieur," he queired
in a tender tone, "shall I have the
misery of announcing?" Youth's
Companion.
A Bead Horse
The smart traveling man stood on
a corner in the little country village
at dusk. He was looking for amuse
ment, and the first object that at
tracted his attention was an over
grpwn boy, perhaps fifteen years of
age, riding a horse that might have
come out of the ark.
"Hello, sonny!" shouted the sales
man. "How long has that horse been
dead?"
Quick as a flash the boy replied,
"Three days, but you're the first bux
zard that has noticed it."
Tho traveling man moved on to the
hotel. Chicago Herald.
The Last Question
Precocious Offspring Pa, may I
ask just one more question?
Patient Pater Yes, my son. Just
one more.
Precocious Offspring Well, then,
pa, how is it that the night falls, but
it's tho day that breaks? Chicago
Herald.
i
They Surely Do It
I don't see why everybody Is so
down, on the war censors. Aren't they
merely performing a consistent
duty?"
"How so?"
"Well, what good Is a censor unless
he incenses people?" Baltimore
American.
The Flattering Beaux
Girls, don't listen to flattering
beaux, for while as friends they al
ways peaux, you will find in reality
they are feaux. They flatter your
eyes, mouth and neaux, and sing your
praise from head to teaux. They take
you to balls, parties and sheaux, and
are adepts at concealing their weaux
although as fickle as the wind that
bleaux. Indianapolis Star.
Pride oi Ancestry
"I've looked u your family tree"
said tho genealogist, "but I doubt if
you will be pleas 1 with it. Your'
great-great-grandfather was hanged
IUJ uiuiuui, your great-grandfather'
was imprisoned for robbery; your
grandfather was tarred and- feathered
Wrecked
Crawford Did your wife find fault
with the way you took care of the
place while she Wts away in the coun
try? Crabshaw I should say so. She
said the apartment looked as if It had
ucou ouuietieu. ior xne summer
Judge.
-woman constitute n fn QVi. .
silent majority" amiuc or a
Never call a big strong man a liar
it is safer to hire some other fellow
to break the news to him,
Lots of .men go where duty calls
and stand around with their hands
in their pockets after they get there
There is no harm in a man's beimj
in advance of his age, providing he
has money enough to pay for his feed
until his age catches up with him
Chicago News.
Quaker Quips
Sometimes it takes a pretty strong
man to carry out his own plans.
A good story will always bear re
peating, if it isn't at our expense.
The only man who really believes
he is fully appreciated is the egotist.
Woman's crowning glory is her
hair, but she doesn't always sleep in
her crown.
Appearances are deceptive. A flea
bitten dog isn't the only thing that
looks like the old scratch.
Some people are deathly afraid of
contagious diseases, and others are
satisfied to take things just as they
come. Phil delphia Record.
Pointed Paragraphs
Happiness is less apt to be a case
of luck than pluck.
. The things that usually happen
are those that seem impossible.
Adversity lifts up many a man
whom prosperity has knocked out.
t Only a very unusually hungry-man
can eat advice and enjoy it.- .
m "Don't thintt because a" 'man offers
an opologythat ho relly ineans it
The man-who knows enough to afc
tond to his own business ' knows
enough. '
Two men trying to entertain one
GRAPE-JUICE FOUNTS IN THB
CHAUTAUQUA BELT
As a 'certain statesman is ir
revocably associated in the minds of
the American people with both grape
juice and Chautauqua, it need not sur
prise us to learn that the Chautauqua
Lake district is one of the great
grape-juice regions of tho United
States. This "wine of to-morrow,"
as it is hopefully teamed by C. Hous
ton Goudiss, is the subject of a de
scriptive article contributed by him
to The Forecast (Philadelphia, Au
gust). Naturally, there has been
grape-juice as long as there have been
grapes, but not the sort that temper
ance orators recommend. Tho
grape-juice industry, as we know it,
is very young, dating only from the
discovery of practical methods of
sterilizing and sealing based on the
investigations of Pasteur and other
bacteriologists. Yet most of us will
agree with Mr. Goudiss that "Amer
ican grape-juice has earned a repu
tation for itself quite aside from its
association in the public mind with
our late secretary of state." We
read:
"The grape-juice industry of tho
Chautauqua district situated in
southwestern New York, northwest
ern Pennsylvania, and northeastern
Ohio goes back to the soil. The
manufacturers, who need for their
product the highest quality grapes
even higher quality in some cases
than are exacted for table use
sought the soil that produced tho
best grapes. Then, careful cultivation,
careful picking, and careful handling
were exacted from the growers of tho
district.
"The picking or harvesting of tho
grapes is a period of great activity.
Every one in the region gets busy
and works just as fast as possible.
The yield is tremendous and the sea
son is exceedingly short. Scarcely
more than a month can be given to
fha Viafirnaffncy trftf tVini1a.ndS Of tOnS
of grapes must be picked and carried
to the factories in that short time.
It requires a high degree of efficiency
and co-operation on the part of grow
ers pickers, an 1 packers In order to
accomplish the work.
"When the grapes arrive at the fac
tory they are carefully inspected ana
weighed, then the grapes are thor
oughly washed by mechanical SP;"
firs that remove every particle of ciiri
and dust and every Insect that may
have clung to the grapes, In "io
best of grape-juice factories, after
the grapes have , been washed, tne
human hand dos not touch them or
Tik 4itl. Vrnm fh Washers, W
I grapes are carried by conveyors b
i