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The Commoner.
JUNE 10, 1910
13
rt-ajpairr Tvqip' H,&fjfg(nt "" "N w53P
i
v
A Reversed
f The visitors who knocked at the
door of the brownstone mansion on
Gold Avenue were dressed in rags
and gave every visible evidence of
having come from the slum districts.
The liveried servant who opened
the door tried hastily to shut it,
but the foremost visitor in line
thrust his foot between the door and
the jamb, then pushed the door opon
with an exhibition of 'muscular force
that made the servant gasp with as
tonishment.
. "What's the meaning of that
noiser Jobson?" queried " woman at
the head of the marble Btairway.
"Hi don't know, mum."
"Say, youse," said the spokesman
of the visiting party. "We'se out
seem how do rich live. An we's
comin in, too, see! An' we's goin'
to pike our bloomin' noses into
everything, an' we's goin' t' ask all
de imperdent questions we like,
see!"
"This is an unwarranted intrusion
and if you do not immediately leave
I shall call the police," exclaimed
the lady of the house, appearing up
;on the scene, clad in a silk kimono,
and other articles.
'- "Nope; nixey on de bulls," said
the spokesman. "Dis ain't no in
trusion, mum. We's jus' returnin'
a friendly call, see! A few days ago
youse an' a bunch o' nobs comes
over t' where we live, investigatln
conditions o' de poor, 'slummin' I
Relieve youse called' it. Said youse
..was interested in de amelyrishun .oi
de conditions o' do workin' classes,
or some such dope, an' had t' study
condishuns at first hand. Well, we's
formed a class for t' study de con
dishuns o' de rich, an' we's gotter
have it first hand, see! We's picked
lout fer our first visits dem what's
.butted inter our tenements widout
invitations an' made derselves at
home. So, mum, jus' send dis brass
buttoned gazabo ter de scrap pile an'
pilot us aroun' de dump."
This little incident merely serves
to remind us that the House of Have
shouldn't kick if the House of- Want
returns a few friendly calls.
and all the rest of the sweet old
songs of those days.'
How about It now? Different, isn't
It?
Now somebody sits down to the
piano and everybody sings "I Wants
Mali Chicken," or "Gimme Mah Pork
Chops Reg'lah," or "I wants t' Spoon
by the Light o' the Moon," or
"Whar's Mah Honey Boy?" or some
thing equally foolish.
I confess I prefer the old songs
myself. And I'd rather listen while
some sweet-faced lass with nimble
fingers plays "Maiden's Prayers" on
a cottage organ than to listen to
some pert young thing hammer out
a "rag" on a grand piano. I'm old
fashioned, perhaps, but if it is old-
fashioned to prefer the sweet Bongs
of other days to the fool "rag time"
songs that are all the rage today,
then I plead guilty to the charge,
and I'm glad of it.
just the same as conditions in simi
lar factories.
This is the same old excuse.
But it serves to show that it Is
high time the public take a hand in
securing for the wage earners of the
nation conditions that, are at least
tolerable.
Traitor
Honest
Help! Help!!
'; Are we awake or are we dream
ing? Here is a newspaper that is throw
ing editorial fits of fear because some
eminent gentleman remarks that
South America is soon to become the
great gold producing section of the
world. Says the discovery of newer
and greater gold fields will throw
the whole financial .world out of
-gear; will raise Ned with prices and
add greatly to the burdens of those
"with fixed investments and salaries.
' And only a few years ago that
very same newspaper, and many oth
ers like It, were telling us that every
known virtue and not a single ill was
.connected with the yellow metal.
Will "somebody please pinch usF
"Please, sir," said the office boy,
"kin I git off a couple of hours early
this afternoon?"
"What's the matter? Grand
mother dead?"
"Nope ball game."
Receiving the required permission
the office hoy ducked. Out of curi
osity I followed him and asked:
"Do you always tell the boss yoa
want to go to the ball game?"
"I should say not!" exclaimed the
boy. "But I've buneo so many o
me relatives ivo't 1. never had I wus
of ear d- to begin over . again an' I
couldn't t'ink o' nuttln' but de
truth."
What Struck You
What was the funniest story ybu
ever heard?
Every man and woman has some
story in mind that to them was the
funniest one they ever heard, and
this department would like to know
what it is. Just write it out and
send it fn.
And the sweetest song?
In other words, what is your fa
vorite among all the songs you ever
heard?
Tell the name of it to this depart
ment. The architect wants some
funny stories and some sweet old
songs.
Great Invention
When the man with an idea meets
up with the man who has mechanical
genius, there is something doing.
Here's the idea.
A nice, softy-padded top-rail for
political fences.
Just think of the senators and
congressmen who've been sitting on
the top-rail of those old fences for
so long. Wouldn't they pay almost
any old price for a nicely cushioned
resting place?
i
O, the Difference!
Do you remember the old days
when you used to go visiting in the
'evening and the whole bunch' of you
Iwould gather around the cottage or
gan and sing?
Of course you do. And you re
jnember the songs you used to sing
"Darling Nellie Gray," "Sweet
Belle Mahone," "Listen to the Mock
,ing Bird," "Old Kentucky Home,"
"Silver Threads Among the Gold'
"Come Where the Lillies Bloom'
How Does He Know
"I am an agnostic."
"What's that?"
"An agnostic is one who does not
know."
"Then how do you know you are
an agnostic?"
Same Old Excuse
No sooner does the department of
commerce and labor report that the
working conditions in the Bethlehem
Steel Works are horrible than Mr.
Schwab complains that the depart
ment should have reported that th
conditions in his establishment were
"I wouldn't trust Bleacherly as
far as I could throw a barnyard by
the gate."
"Why not?"
"Ho's a two-faced wretch. Yes
terday the home team lost and an
hour later I actually saw Bleacherly
buying the umpire a cigar."
Brain Leaks
Churchianity is not Christianity.
"Big business" ought to make
more cellmates.
Many people who claim to "be plain
spoken are only Insolent.
When the office seeks the man no
search warrant is necessary.
bonie people are always in a stew
trying to preserve their health.
A "welcome" doormat does not
always mean a cheerful Interior.
A lot of men who never set a Rail
are waiting for their ships to come
In.
About two-thirds of our worrvinir
is done over things that never hap
pen.
Jealousy is a rock unon which
many a matrimonial bark has gone
to wreck.
Don't it just beat all how quickly
a dollar's worth of milk, tickets is
exhausted?
A lot of people forget self only
after there Is nothing left worth re
membering. O, if only some of those soda
fountain drinks tasted as good as the
names Bound! '
The richer a man is the more
glibly ho can- talk about- the bles
sings of poverty. -
When we fail we attribute it to
bad luck. .When we win we attribute
it to our own ability.
Patience is listening with becom
ing smiles to a stuttering man try
ing to tell a' funny story.
Your truest friend Is not the one
who confines his conversation to re
tailing your good qualities.
The man who does as little as he
can for his wages Is usually the man
who complains about the wage scale.
People who profit by trust extor
tion love to talk about extravagance
being the cause of the high cost of
living.
We often wonder what heroic
measures women would resort to if
their hair grew naturally the way
they fix it up.
The workingman can not square
himself by pinching his stoinach in
order to make up for his failure to
vote intelligently.
About this time of year the aver
age housewife manages to open a
can of fruit without experiencing a
very severe pang.
In a few weeks a lot of serfs of
King Gold will celebrate the eman
cipation of their father's from the
rule of King George.
If a man makes his children mind
he is harsh; if he does not make
them mind he is spoiling them.
What's the use?
Once upon a time we tried one of
those magazine "week's menus for
$6," intended for a family of six, and
we'd exhausted the week's wage at
noon of the third day.
Ever notice that in village life
people who walk miles every day in
the ordinary course of business, have
to take the hack when they go to
the depot to get on the train?
When a woman gets the brim of
her fashionable hat jammed up in
a narrow doorway we can't help
laughing, and yet we pretend to be
equal to the average In courtesy.
But the size of the fashionable hat!
THE
eUARANTY STATE BAHK
lian deponitors In every stato of tho
union In tho interests of Hound
and safe banking- you should bo ono
of them. In tho Interests of your
self and dcpondentH your money
should bo placed whero it is secured.
Don't bo fooled by tho banker
whoso ovor-towcrfiiK Integrity
forces him to oppose every plan of
security for his depositors.
DON'T DKIjAY IT MAY HE
DANOICIIOU.S.
Send for IJooklct.
M. G. HASKELL, V. P.
MUSKOGBIS, OKLA.
R&TEJIf 1 CUUrc sent by oxproai to you on
Ad I It Mm Freo Trial. If It cure xoml $1; If
hi i not. dnn't. fllvo cxpre nfflea
National Chemical Co., 710 Ohio Ave Hlcltio,0,
" i I1 IP. TV I1 Q HKouitiso on tris'is
Freo report rh to rntontnltlllty. Illuilrutori Outdo
Honk, and Urt of Invention Wanted, nont Iron.
VIGTOK J. JKVANM & CO., WuliliiKton. U. O
TOBACCO
FACTORY
WANTS
SALESMEN
a ood pay, Rteaily work, and promotion. Kxporhinca
uniiccjKsnry oh vo will glvn comploto Inxtructloiu.
Morotock Tobacco Works, Box M 32, Danville, Va.
FOLDING BATH TUB
Weight 16 lli. Some used five
yeart, atlll good. Write lor
apecUt offer.
0. N. Y. HATH XVO. CO 0. X. Y.,
103 Chamber! St., N. V. City.
Dr. y, Hturj Rati, Prop.
Monuments and Tombstones
IIIrIi irnulo Monuments nmLTombiitonro direct to
comutjicrs nt wholcmlo price. No belter work
inmiHlilp can bo had. Wrlto Clark AloiiumeH
tnl WorlcH, Ainerluus, Georgia.
TT mi
v
ECZEMA
DAN HE CUItKl. My wild, aootWn. guaranteed ear
Soei TltVnd yilU AMl'LJf prove. It. HJOVi THE ITCHIKO
ind eurea to iUy. 'WUITE '0W TODAY.
PR CANNADAY, 174 PARK SQUARE, SEDAL1A, WO
ASTrH IVI A
yiolds to scientific treatment: no powders, no
fliuoke, no douches. Thin is different' Send
for booklet "Freo.Alr" to Dopt. N,
HENRI MILLAR REMEDY COMPANY,
214 St. Helens Avenuo, Tacoma, Washington
inalld
f Be Tesi
ed
iseases of the Kiduevfl. Blad
der, l,vcr and Digestive organs,
including Khcuraatism, or the
treatment will be an experiment.
I test urine Free. Mailing Case
for urine sent on request. Con
sultation and opinion free.
DR. J. P. & ,PEK, Specialist.
214 Penn Avenue, Pittsburg, Pa.
A Clinnce to ftlttke Money
Yes, elegant free homesteads can still
be had In Mexico where many Ameri
cans are now locating1. You need not
SO to Mexico, but are required to havo
Ave acres of fruit trees planted within
five years. For information address tho
Jantha Plantation Co., Block 590, Pitts
burg1, Pa. They will plant and care for
your trees on shares, so you should
make a thousand dollars a year. It Is
never hot, never cold. Tho health con
ditions are perfect.
ft 4.QO
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