13
MARCH 27, 1908
000," wa the reply. "What are you
in for?"
'Tiu in five yotint for stealing a
ham,' wa tho reply.
"That doesn't look exactly square,"
said the bank wrecker.
"O, I guess It'ii all right," said the
ham stealer. "If what a man gets
for neglecting his educational oppor
tunities." gr (omiiKHioA
fiO
'lifii 4 f '"" """lo '"I1' I'll H M am Km
fUSI, ;ilor 2b-foot 4-panel LflF W WF
I lit J tnn nuw rm Doom. -
Mr fr i "f f '."' lMI b,,lhl clf'"" Ptlrni on door t , ih,
XTfirrA Potla ' ''"; V'i will hmc touc in iMjiidlnir.
IjFflrt .' t,u nrnl wruii n&c yu'ibhoutorr tuiit
VL'lAdln cyit, We wilU'lfullv furMuli without i.nn
a tinny mni uc n architect n roinlrtr pUrwi
"AMI HfrrinrntiniiM.IMnririrrt.Urrt ixiliUlrliaraa
you nt lOMt 10000 fir It will hrln w.ilr nrtl
The Commoner,
ssrmM
lfsiykp-Jr
Urace lTp!
Eyhon you're feeling rather blue
SaWi tho HlGilclinir's hard with you;
fl$Vhen your schemes go up the spout
Afnrl vnn'ro feelinK down and out;
u.rLr- " . ., . l i
-WJien you ve snot anu auuiuu u
miss
lBTb.ce un and remember this:
KPKose who win are those who try.
IS brace up and don't say die.
Iwell your chest and try again;
Grit vour teeth and smile at pain.
Tackle trouble with a laugh
nd you'll cut the dose in half.
iSbok the world square in the eye;
Buck the line and don t say die.
Baying down is all the shame
Sit straight up and play tne game.
Bbn't dodge trouble if you do
II: will doubly trouble you.
$Meet each task with grit and vim,
7l5b the square thing, sink or swim.
'j JJX you see narci iuck uraw nign
rjrafSaugh again and don't say die.
Keep your face turned to the light,
feb your best and you're all right.
Classified
"Is Bilkins a good business man?"
"No, he's just an ordinary finan
cier. Every time he gets into trouble
me hollers for help."
framed up was all right in its way,
but it lacked one thing."
Before his mind's eye paraded
Moscow, Waterloo and St. Helena.
"Had I been able to peer about
one hundred years into the future I
nrtiilrl linvn flvrwl Jill Olflt." hn Cfn-
Ult.V ,.l,V, ...wv. .... -....-,
tinued. "1 could have provided a
federal judiciary and then Issued in
junctions against all my opponents."
Realizing that his had been a fatal
oversight, the shade of Napoleon
arose and wandered back into the
almost impenetrable Stygian woods.
Caste
Assured
Having organized the big scheme
for tho exploitation of tho people tho
chairman of the executive commit
tee asked:
"Now will our scheme be strong
enough to stand the legal test?"
"Of course," replied tho company's
legal advisor. "What do you sup
pose I have posted up on technicali
ties and ground for appeal for?"
Deeming the answer sufficient the
big scheme proceeded.
Well Named
"Why does Snapperly call his race
fiiorse 'Jerome?' "
'Because it makes such a fine
ftftart in front of tho grandstand and
swinds up so badly on the back-
Rfttretch."
Satisfactory
"And whv e you incarcerated
here, my poor man?" queried the
gushing visitor at the prison.
"I'm here, mum 'cause I tried to
I secure bank deposits."
"I did not know that It was a
Iprison offense to do that."
"Well, you see, mum, I used a
jimmy and giant powder instead of
(the legislature."
Bogus
"I think that Lord Smotherly is a
fraud."
"What makes you think so? His
name is in Burke's all right."
"O, I know that, but he's been
over here a week, hasn't tried to
marry an heiress, says he hasn't seen
enough of America to express an
opinion thereon, hasn't asked any
body to endorse for him, don't wear
a monocle, doesn't drawl when he
talks, and hasn't paid any florid com
pliments to American women. If
that isn't a sure sign of bogus title
I'm no judge."
"I don't 'see no roation why you
should be a turnii.' up your nose at
me," said Porch Climbing Hill to
Grafting George ac the two mot in
the safe environment of the room
provided "by Feeney the Fence.
"You are not in my clasK at all.
sir," said Grafting George with ureal
pride.
"Well, why ain't I, bo? Ain't we
both crooks?"
"That is as it may be," replied
Grafting George. "But let me re
mind you that you escaped with a
file and a saw, while I escaped on a
technicality."
Realizing that Grafting George
was in a higher class, Porch Climb
ing Bill humbly took a retired scat.
Cognomens
In Georgia
"I must ko out for a moment and
faee a man, my dear," said Colonel
Dryasdust when the curtain fell.
Just before the curtain went up
again the colonel returned.
"Did you see the man?" innocent-
fly inquired Mrs. Dryasdust.
"I suttinly did see him," sorrow
fully replied the colonel, "but he had
talso left his flask at home."
Old Times
"We never had fire drills in the
old days when I was a schoolboy,"
remarked Uncle Rethrow Checks.
"But the old school houses were
small and the children were in no
danger," we observed.
"Well, I recollect that the teacher
used to warm us up considerable,"
mused Uncle Jethro as he reflectively
rubbed his back and gazed at the
lithe and sinuous branches of the
hickory tree in front of the house.
To Late
I
The shade of Napoleon Bonaparte
sat by the side of the River Styx and
mused.
"The 'code Napoleon,' which I
WHAT CAUSES HEADACHE
From October to May, Colds are tho most fre
quent cause of Headache, JAXATIVE BIIOMO
QUININE removes cause. E, W. Grove on box 2ac
Here's Hopin
The doctors down in Houston donned
their antiseptic clothes,
Sharpened up their knives and
saws in proper style;
Held a smelly ether bottle right be
neath Judd Lewis' nose,
And protected 'round his insides
for a while.
First they carved out his appendix,
then they sewed him up again,
Then departed, leaving white
robed nurses near.
Now we're waiting, and a hopin' he
will soon take up his pen
And resume his work o' writing
songs of cheer.
An appendix is a Trifle that can
cause a lot of woe,
So with Judd's the doctors
Tampered yesterday.
And they say he's doing bully, and
it tickles us to know
That he'll soon be up and feelin'
blythe and gay.
For we miss his bubblin' humor, and
we miss His lilting rhyme,
And we're waiting' and a hopin'
soon to hear
That Judd Lewis has recovered and
is puttin' in his time
A "Tamperin' with Trifles" with
good cheer.
Doubtless you have often been
puzzled how to pronounce the names
of Chinamen, for they appear so
queer and unpronouncable. It is
the queerncss of their syllabic de
vision that is responsible for your
bewilderment.
Suppose we take a lot of good old
American names and divide them up
according to the Chinese idea, and
see how they look.
Hug lies.
Doesn't that sound Chinesey? But
after you look at it awhile and then
run the two together, dropping the
capital H and substituting a small h,
it is very simple Hughes.
Here's another one: Dou Glas.
If you saw that on a laundry sign
you'd be puzzled how to pronounce
it, but when it appears as "Douglas"
it is very easy. If we read an ac
count in a Chines newspaper pro
viding, of course, that wo could read
Chinese and saw something like
this, we'd laugh:
"Senator Ow Ens retorted sharply
to Senator Cur Tis, and until Sen
ator Go Re interfered with a little
joke it looked as if there might be
trouble. Bur Kett of Nebmska and
Sto Ne of Missouri exchanged a few
pleasantries, and the senate was in
an uproar until Senator Al Lis On
moved to adjourn. After adjourn
ment Senator Hop Kins expressed re
gret that such a scene should have
occurred."
Doubtless our names look as ridic
ulous to the Chinaman as his name
does to us. It's all in the habit.
Immensely ft'nl make itn ordtnarv II hm fi Unttm nt
about 5700 00 l'ur full narUtulnni U,k umm Xlm
lioad of "Mill Work" In our Ml ( ntnWvuo l( you
haven't one. borrow your ncfc-hlWn, othrrwtM) In it
letter to iw my. -iM'm mi your f.rcnt Mill WorK
ffiiU SEARS, ROEBUCK & CO., CHICAGO
rou can hatch more
t fhlrVn wilt, m Mil -...A
r Ictui Lrouliln with an
OMlTBIISTV INfllBA MO
ittiailMrltll inv nllinrlnmil.
I tor on earth. Wo lot you
I Provo It on votir own nlu-.
140. CO and 90 Day TrUI 'J
5 Don't jwy two irlcr. Jcnd
I r ninPnilllrw flaik r...
. M. M. JOHNSON, Clay Cmr, Natratka
wX&ifKn
'Jtiltort
"'nirnl
FrttJ.HT3t7fliKc
PATENTS
Hicctmitn oic pick
KICTUKNKI)
Krnn ri'iorl ai to I'nlmitnlilllty. Illuatnit'tl Oulda
Hrmk, ami Mxt of Invontlotui Wnntml, ndiit froo.
JCVANH, W1MCK.N9 Jt: CO., WimIiIiikUiii, I). O.
Ix'forn you
i ctuu i r.iiDrn
MO I niHH """- ,my. 1 will
: : noml nny tuif c D r C
IfrtT a Imttlo of I.une'n AHtlimii II C. t
Curt?. Ifltrurtn you mih1 inn 11.00. If It iIoi-h not,
don't, (HviMixpnMN olllcn. AddnuM
I. .1. I.AN1C, Hox L, V., Ml. M nryit, Kim hum
iniMiaiil -
KrMTMkMf JT 3TR0NCEST
r E.iM&tL MADE. .null.
cn-tlKlit Hold to tlintiwr at WklMla
I'rltr: Ha I'a rrlkt. CaUlotriln frea.
COILED 8PRINO TBNCC CO.,
Vox 23i Winchester, Indian.
ORNAMENTAL FENCE
Ufi OKHIONrt, ALI.hTKKIM
Jljuulaonio clunr Uir
w(h1 morn, duiktili Hixm-IaI
tiricr to clmrrhm Mid ci.tii!
Irrlia. Don't buy n TiMicQunUl
you ct onr frr c&IkIokuc
Kokomo Frnco Marldne Co..
40 WortU hU, KoUomo, lad.
WANTED
to hnnr from owner IiuvIik?
A GOOD FARM
for naif. Not pnrtlrulnr nljoutlortntlon. I'lcwm
Kivo price and dtwrlptlon, and hsmoii for xcll-l
Intr Htaut wlirii iiomfttuiioii cm Ijm Had. Will
dwil with owihtx only.
!. Daiiiivsiiihk, Hox MlN. lloch fHUir. N. V.
Drain Leaks
Unfortunate
It being a holiday the prisoners
were allowed "liberty" inside the
prison walls.
Two prisoners met and began con
versation. "And what are you in the 'big stir'
for?" queried one prisoner. .
"I'm in five years for wrecking a
bank and getting away with $100,-
Genuine happiness is seldom pur
chased in a lump.
If there is a skeleton in the closet,
keep the door shut.
The rivers we fished in when a boy
are nothing but creeks now.
The foolishness of yesterday is not
cured by the regrets of today.
People who struggle to keep up
appearances usually give their case
away.
Life is like a cistern what you
get out of It depends upon what
you put into it.
When a man doesn't amount to
much he is apt to lay the blame on
"environment."
Men successfully tackle big re
sponsibilities only after having
practiced up on little ones.
A lot of men who think they are
keeping step with tho march of pro
gress are only marking time.
The trouble with most of us is
that -we'd rather sit around and kill
giants than to get up and tackle a
few little pigmies.
An Extra Opportunity
For the "Million Army"
An exclusive agency for Mr. Bryan'H
newest and best book, "The Old World
and Itn WuyH," dewcrlblntf and HIuh
tratlnK hiss recent trip around tho
world. An opportunity to make frohi
$R0 to $200 per month at the mime
time that you are "HervInK the good
cause." Exclusive territory and can
vassing. Outfit free. Kend 00 cents to
cover cost of handling and mailing. Wo
will return It with your first order.
The popular tide is on -take It now.
Address .
THE THOMPSON PUB. CO.,
ST. LOUIS, MO.
PLATFORM
TEXT BOOK
Containing' the Declara
tion of Independence,
llio Constitution of the
United StnteM, noil nil
the National Platform
of nil parties wlnee the
organization of our government.
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LINCOLN, NEn.