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JANUARY 10, 1908
The Commoner,
13
5233
(ffWrt ft
Some Resolutions
Goin' t' keep a smilin' as ol' Nine
teen Eight rolls by;
Goin' t' look for sun a shinin' back
o' clouds that line th' sky;
Goin' t' cut out grumblin' an' I ain't
a goin' t' sigh,
'Cause there ain't no use a keepin'
up a worry.
Goin' t' do my duty daily an' trust
God f do th' rest;
Goin' t' keep a lively hustle an' jus
do my level best;
Goin' t' tackle ev'ry duty with th'
- greatest kind 0' zest,
'Cause there ain't no use a givin'
way t' worry.
Goin' t' sing a song o' joytime when
1 near my cottage door;
Goin' t' roll around with babies on
th' little cottage floor;
Goin' t' thank God for th' blessin's
that upon me daily pour,
'Cause there ain't no use o' wastin'
time in worry.
Goin' t' face all kinds o' weather
';' , without airy sigh or 'fear;
Goin' t' do my best to dry up ev'ry
bitter, fallin' tear;
Goin' t' play th' ol' game squarely
all around th' comin' year,
'Cause it never pays a feller for t'
Worry.
Goin' t' bask " within th' lovelight
'that's' awa'itin' me at home;
Goin' t' say goodby t' troubles if
around my path they roam;
Goin' t' put my best foot forward an'
my trust in kingdom come,
'Cause it's wastin' precious time t'
fret an' worry.
Up to Date
"What have you there?" we asked
of Congressman Seize as he broke the
wrapper on the package just handed
him by the postman.
"This," said he, exhibiting the
Congressional Record, "is my scrap
book."
The Moral
The teacher had just finished tell
ing" the story of Priscilla Mullins and
John Alden.
"And now, dear children," she
concluded, "what lesson do we
gather from this beautiful legend.
"Dat it's a wise guy dat don't go
buttin' In!"' shouted Billy the Bump
er, who sold newspapers when he
played truant which was most of
the time.
Two Weeks After
The drum is now busted,
The wagon wheels bent,
The trumpet is noiseless
From many a dent,
The wooly sheep bleats
When you squeeze it no more,
The fragments of .toys
Now litter the floor..
But what of it all?
Clear the littered up stuff
The children enjoyed them
And that is enough.
drink the hemlock because there was
no more worlds to conquer."
Wiping a ghostly drop of. perspira
tion from its brow the shade con
cluded: "Had my time only been post
poned a few centuries I might have
become a federal judge and been
presented with an unlimited field."
Realizing the unkindness of fate
the shade of Alexander the Great
shed a few invisible tears and throw
the shadow of a few ghostly rocks
at Charon's canoe.
In 1008
In nineteen eight
Don't veget 8
Nor rustic 8
But agit 8 discreetly.
Just educ 8
And smile at fa 8
The while you w 8
And be fortun 8 completely.
Little Willie
Little Willie gazed thoughtfully
and curiously at mamma's young and
frisky caller.
"What are you thinking about so
seriously, Willie?" -asked the caller.
"I wus jus' won'erin' where you
keep your' airship," said Willie.
"My airship? Why what put the
idea into your head that I had an
airship, Willie?"
"O, when mamma looked through
th' win'ow an' saw you comin' she
said 'there comes that flighty Miss
Frisk.' "
'Later sounds from the closet In
dicated that little Willie's curiosity
was being amputated.
Premature
The shade of Alexander the Great
moved mournfully along "the banks
of the Styx.
"Alas," it muttered. "Alas, that
I should have been compelled to
Only One "BROMO QUININE"
That la LAXATIVE BROMO QUININE. Look
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1008
This being the first day of the new
year the press humorist sat down
and made out the following list of
reforms which he would undertake
to abide by during the year:
To avoid the motheMn-law joke
The stovepipe joke
The billy goat joke
The smell-of-gasoline automobile
joke
The cigars-my-wife-gave-me joke
And just then the wife's mother
came in, and the wind blew the door
shut so hard it jarred the stovepipe
down and scattered soot all over the
humorist's new smoking jacket and
when he got through cleaning it with
gasoline he smelled like a buzz
wagon, so he sat down to smoke
one of the cigars his wife had given
him and the oldest boy billy goated in
with a merry ha-ha about a lot of
broken resolutions.
the expensive and injurious habit.
"I am aiiro you will bo bettor off
for it," remarked Mrs. BUklna whon
informed of the firm revive.
"Of course I can quit," said Mr.
BilkiiiB. "It. is all a matter of will
power. I just will that I quit, and
It is as good as done. You JuHt
pitch that old pipe of mine into the
kitchen range."
"All right, dear, if you really wIhIi
it," said Mrs. Bllkins.
"I do, pet. Now goodbye."
Mr. Bllkins kissed his wlfo and
wended his way to work.
That wus on Wednesday, and tho
first day was easy.
On Thursday Mr. Bllkins con
sumed fifteen cents' worth of candy,
chewed eleven sticks of gum, masti
cated twenty-threo toothpicks, and
kicked tho dog off tho front steps be
cause the animal didn't move out of
tho way quick enough.
Friday morning Mr. Bllkins shoved
his oatmeal away from him and
growled something about "novcr get
ting oatmeal that wasn't scorched."
At noon he growled because tho meat
was so tough, and at supper ho scold
ed tho baby for hammering on its
plate with its spoon.
Saturday morning Mr. Bllkins
arose from tho table and poured his
cup of coffee into the kitchen sink,
remarking that he was tired of being
fed slops. He forgot to kiss his wife
goodby, and ho pushed the baby's
sticky face away with a shudder of
disapproval. lie didn't come home
at noon, but at supper time he came
in, slammed a lot of wraps on the
floor to make room for his overcoat
on- the halltreo, muttered because
the evening paper was late and said
things because the furnace was not
working properly. During the even
ing meal he scolded the children be
cause they bothered him with re
quests for more food, and spoke
sharply to his wife because she re
minded him that there was no flour
in the chest, and severely criticised
tho wanton waste of coal.
A few minutes after Mr. Bllkins
flung himself into his easy chair Mrs.
Bllkins appeared with the old pipe
nicely filled and a match handy.
Monday morning Mr. Bllkins was
telling his friends how easy It was
to quit smoking, and excusing his
relapse on the ground that after
quitting the habit he began putting
on " fiesh too rapidly.
Mrs. Bllkins hasn't said anything
about It, but she will doubtless ad
mit that a house smelling of smoke
is better than some other things she
and the children were called upon
to endure the first three or four days
of the new year.
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t o , JIMM,M, tMitv ImprorH ky Ornnl'n
!; 2 "nl Mmjrniihtr and !i imrtMnry.
OT Kkl h, rci k. cp. m., ww!i.. . a
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Numerics Pay Cnah Weekly
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STARK BRO'S, LOUISIANA. MO.
rBLfWlrKL made, liait.
itrintr chirk.
pn-tlKbt Bold to t lin twr l ImUmJ
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COILED SPRINO rCMCB CO
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It rtnMiLr w. ftur.nlM m ! Jlt
tt IT for rrr lr wrick. lmlaUlr lu. VttiU ilrniM
KoriLmsdrirtLitisJca, 'n.i3 uui(tMut
i" C Good Apple Trees
yAll varlotlnn. rnaon So. Plum 12a.
Ohrry 17c, Urnpen tfMt iwr M fJra(ti
tro'. noto(MjllnK- Wo par tho imlKlit.
Pull lino of numnry ntook ami ni!Ia, Mrtco
mi IIIujitratcMl catalog froo WrIUi to-day.
Ocrmon NurHorlffw, Bel 77. BETHICE. lib,
Rumor
The rumor was afloatand growing
that Col. Giasticutus Brown was
prominently in the race for a presi
dential nomination.
So persistent was the rumor that
wo finally- felt impelled to trace it to
its source.
It transpired that Colonel Brown
had bought a shotgun, a rifle, a duck
coat, a pair of corduroy knicker
bockers, leather gaiters, laced boots
and a hunting knife. Also a copy
of a book entitled, "Bears, Teddy
and Otherwise."
Using this as a basis we launched
a big presidential boom at space
rates, and soon had enough to pay
for that gold-mounted pipe we had
coveted for so long. m
Self Defense
After smoking like a furnace for
stT, Hto thfrtv vears. Mr. Bil-
Bralri Leaks
Don't drop your whip!
Salvation is not soul salvage.
Real piety Is never perfunctory.
It Is easy to wait with nothing in
rle-w. ;
An eloquent listener Is always
welcomed.
fjfinulno reliclon loosens the
pursestrlngs.
It costs more to kill a mine mule
than a miner.
People may hire others to bear
their crosses, but they can not rent
crowns.
A lot of men exhaust their ener
gies in telling of the big things they
are about to do.
A great many people who never
launched anything are waiting for
ships to come in.
Tho man who takes "Just one
more" before swearing off soon
makes room on the water wagon for
another.
When a man gets too old to take
pleasure in trimming a Christmas
tree he ought to allow himself to be
Oslerized before tho new year begins.
Vw
GUARANTEED TELEPHONES
Vor Pnrmcru Pirly Linen
Clear Talker. Loud Rtnfr.
Lightning Proof.
OUR NEW BULLETIN NO,
plvltlic vMunhla Inforrnailon will
bo mailed free on rcmeit.
TI1K WESCO SUPPLY CO.
Fl. north. Tti. HT. I.0UK, JIO.
et Old Trusty
7BHHHl
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ftfliMlf.
40, CO.WBij'Trfll
Mat m bwUr UfcLw nf
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bur. VH )4ta,i lit i
M.M.JOHNfOH
Clay Cantor, Na
I Have Made Moro Than $1,200
IN ONE MOUTH
HLbSLHPV
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FBuanl
In tho Real Estate Business
I insula thl In cmnmUnJonr ulllnj.' tiH-rU-a
tor otliora. You nan (lothofnmctu I Imvo tnrii
ntiu am doing. If you nro hont, ntn
bltlous. OKKUvn mid thorouslily
trained, you ran mains money In
ttjo real citato builnrwr, no mutter
wiicro you live. I nmdolnirlC
So nro thousand of other, whyj
notyou7 It mattcra not wlicuic
you linvo had expcrlcnai or not.'
nor whern you urc Iwstt'."!, or
what your vrcmsni occupation. I
can tcftcli you the rcnl entaln. In
eurancn and general hrokfrago
bujriiKwi by mall, Ucn 1 want you to
act on my amodatc and owlxt me In
your locality to m:I1 prorty. If you
want to M your own oks, rnako monoy and fret
ahcml In tho world, write mo today. I will
teach 7011 nOleun, Iloiiorablo, Jilrnlflrxl
JIualneftN. Why not m tho tint to take advan
tage of thin oiportimlty In your locality'' Wrlto
mo now for my Jiltf Kreo Hook; It tell tho
wholo atory. Do It now, tlila minute, Usfon
you fori.'et It.
Rob't Dawson, 61 7 Garrison Ave, foti Smith, Ark
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PLATFORM
TEXT BOOK
ConltiinlBic tho Declara
tion of IndepcudeHC,
the CoHwtltutlon u1 the
United Mate, aad sill
(he National IMutforzn
of all fmrtlen wince the
orffnnlxntloa of our gov-ernmeat.
HOUND IN VAVKtt, BY MAIL,
POBTAGK PIIKPAID, TVVESTV
FIVB CEXTfll 1'Klt COPY.
Addreuti all Order to
The Commoner
LINCOLN, NEB.
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World over to Cure a Cold in One Bay. Ke.
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kins resolved, on January 1, to auit