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The Commoner.
AUGUST 30, 1907
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After While
As for tariff, we'll revise it
After while; ,
Bustthe trusts? Sure we'll devise
it,
After while.
We'll control the corporations,
Make 'em keep their proper stations
And maintain freight regulations
After while.
We will hand each magnato hls'n,
After while. -We
will send 'em all to prison,
After while.
Income tax? Of course we lovo it
And we'll do our best to shove It
Till there's not a thing above it
After while.
For reform we're most emphatic,
After while.
For the right we're all ecstatic,
After while.
But for subsidies we're crying,
For "bum" currency we're trying,
And we're going out 'fat frying"
Right now.
Probable
"I see by the papers that a fellow
claiming to be 102 'years . olfPsays
lie never, kissed a woman."
"O, he isn'f that old.. Time has
dragg'e'd so-' for him . that he just
thinks 'he is." -
I
The Reason
-'
"What's your hurry? Where are
you, .going?" . , . o
' q'G.ofT to catch' the steamer. Go
ing abroad at once." ,
"For your health?"
"No; my purse. Process server
after me."
Amended
The -private secretary of Senator
Graball quietly entered the room,
locked the door and remarked: .
"We should begin at once laying
the plans for the campaign, senator.
Shall we take the people into our
confidence this time?"
"With slight amendments, yes,"
replied the senator. "Strike out all
after the first syllable of the word
'into' and let it go at that."
Needed Equipment
The head of the Measured Grease
company nervqusly paced the floor
and plucked at his toupee.
"Any signs of the bailiff?" he
queried.
"Not yet," answered his private
secretary from the watch tower.
Resuming his pedestrian exercise
across the tesselated Hoor of his
luxurious private apartments the
Great .Magnate muttered":
"I fear he will come before my
submarine boat-is ready to receive
me and hie away to the ocean fast
nesses, where I shall be safe from
the petty annoyances of the anarch
istic courts."
'Twas Ever Tims
We drove up to a negro cabin
stuck up on one of the side hills of
the ,Ozarks 'and engaged the man of
the house in conversation.
"How are you treated down here?"
we asked, being one of those curious
northerners.
"O, we'se got nothin' pertlkler t'
complain erbout," replied the col
ored man. An' it hain't no good er
complaininVnohoi?. Cou'se it; kinder
grinds' us' ter have t' get inter d'e
Jim crow' kyars an' th' 'jlm crow'
waltin' rooms, but I reckon hits all
right, sah."
"But why do you 'want to get Into
the white folks' car and the white
folks' waiting rooms? Your own
cars and waiting rooms are good
enough for anybody."
"Cou'se dey is, sah. But what's
de use or wantln' what you got when
dars so much you ain't got what yer
kin be a wantin' for?"
To this bit of philosophy we could
make no reply, so it was up to us
to move on.
Aqueous
There's lots of water that has run
Across the mossy rocks
That never turned an old mill
wheel
But it has watered stocks.
Cured
"Hello, old man! You seem to
bo entirely cured of that bad case
of hay fever you had yesterday."
"Yes, the frost cured it."
VWhat! Frost this hot weather?"
"Sure. I didn't get home until 2
o'clock this morning, and my wife
met me at the door."
Surely
The, thumorist of the Buffalo News
says he would write a poem for
"Buffalo Old Home Week'' were it
not for the fact that "nothing
rhymes with Buffalo. 2.763 news
paper poets to the contrary notwith
standing.'
What, ho, my friend, In time you'll
And
Most any sort of guff '11 go;
So seize your fountain pen and grind
A batch of verse on Buffalo.
The Telegraph Strike
The operators are on strike,
The wires all are dumb,
The world appears so quiet like
When . "speciaJe" fail to come.
I fain would know of Harry Lehr;
Is John D. on the links?
Pray what is Pittsburg's latest fad?
What is It Fairbanks drinks?
Is Kingdon Gould still champion
Of racquet and of "net?
Has Standard Oil come to the front
And settled that fine yet?
What revolution now is on
Just south of Panama?
And, pray, what was the latest break
Of our own Leslie Shaw?
What "nature faker's" on the rack
And where's J. W. Gates?
What railroad was the latest cinched
For paying out rebates?
And still anqther thing I'd know
Will some one tell mo, quick
Who is the latest victim of
Our president's "big stick?"
The operators are on strike,
The wires dumb and dead;,
We miss the old-time "special" grist
So long before us spread.
The "Eastern War Cloud" what
of it?
Has T. C. Piatt resigned?
Was dog or cat the honored guest
When last the swell set dined?
And where did Taft speak yesterday?
And what of Cortelyou?
This agony of dark suspenso-
Is making me feel blue.
I know the strike is broken now,
But some one tell me, pray t
Why is the usual "special" stuff
So meagre every day?
Sparks
Tho emperor of Korea has re
signed. Respectfully referred to T.
H. P. and 0. M. Bv
Mr. Rockofcller says the only way
to bo happy is to .do. good to others.
Really, wo hope ho doesn't' 'feel half
that . bad.
Tho Knox boom 13 being Inflated
with smoke. PittBburg smoke, too.
Mr. Harrlman has at last closed
tho break in the Colorado river, and
tho water is no longer pouring into
tho Salton basin. All right now if
he doesn't take advantage of tho oc
casion .to turn tho wntor into his
railroad stocks.
August. Feeling a little warm.
Tho laundries use a poorer article
of starch in the collars than they
used whon wo wero flftcon or twenty
years younger.
H. H. Rogers is reported ill. Must
be expecting a summons to testify
In another oil case.
Mr. Forakcr is doing another lot
of gyrating. A regular case of "Call
of tho Wild."
Deep Sea Tragedy
r
Why is it that the ocean moanfi?
That's what I'd like to know;
It may be that the lobster
Has pinched Its undor-tow.
Chicago Journal.
And maybe it is just the pain
That thrills Its bosom wide,
What time it shudders at the bar
And thinks of last night's tide.
Cleveland Leader.
Perhaps you'd moan a bit yourself
If now and then a whale,
Escaplng-.from. a swordflsh,
Should lash you with its tail.
Philadelphia Lodger.
The fickle ocean woed the moon,
They to a parson hied,
The sound you hear li only this:
Tho moaning of the tied.
August Llppincott's.
i
Thus through the ;ols. the reasons
run
And rapidly grow worse
Hast thought perhaps the ocean
moans
At reading of this verse?
Buffalo Evening News.
The reason that the ocean moans
Unless I make mistake
Is 'cause a lot of guff like this
Doth make its bosom ache.
Brain Leaks
Psalm singing is not as good as
alms giving.
A cracked mirror indulges in many
unpleasant reflections.
The charity that always begins at
home is usually short-winded
The best parts of a vacation are
the prospect and the retrospect
Necessity is a good antidote for
laziness, but there Is no sure cure.
The man who never knows when
he is down is sure to get to the top.
Ever notice that the week you lay
off is the hottest week of the sum
mer? Worrying about things that never
happen has driven many a man
frantic.
There may bo a skeleton in every
closet, but what's the use of rattling
the bones?
The tears shed while crying over
lost opportunities arc very apt to
blind the mourner to present oppor
tunities. An English scientist says that first
love can bo explained on scientific
grounds. Perhaps, but what a
waste of time it would be to do it.
Our Bank Money
Order rJitn of
Banking by Mali
U tho utmplcwt, mtmt
arm most convenient.
4 pnrcmit Intarcat
Ifl lmld from liiu tntf
merit your money
renrni a, your JWV
lnpt nro rnfMtnntly on
(IciXMlt, rnrnlutf good
Interest, vol vmi hnvn
tho rnonoy In your po-
itant tiKo whou needed. Auk for Ilooklnl "K,
which fully explain tho nierlU of Ihl won
riarful plan. WrIUi today.
Tlio Deponltoni Knvlnjrit unit Trunt Co.,
Tom L.. JoIiiihou, Prftflltlont
Clovolam, Ohio
U. S. Govt. Publications EWJ?
Thrtto publication nro ofllclni and nro nuthorltlo
on (ho iiinject treated. iMnny of thorn nro magnifi
cently Illustrated. Thoy rolnto to nil limnetic of
knowledge, including Agriculture, I.lvo Htock,
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pf Document, GovLi'rlutiuff OMee, Well
ington, 1). C.
3 STROKE SELF FEED HAY PRESS
2 Mon con run II
3 tons In one hour
Kaiiy draft.
Smooth bales
Will savo Ita cost
Shipped on trial
gall faction
uiinrftntced
the ATTTO-rrcriAN hay piiixd co
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n w ininanii or n linn, i
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Life and Speeches
of W J. Bryan
Illustrated octavo, 465 pages, published In
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while neither the highest nor the lowest prices, are
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ESTABLISHED I8i4.
500 Whltlock Ave,, Bronx Borough, N. V. City.
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