' 1 $ I
f"T
v4 T?"!5iGr',W'
JULY 26, 1907 .V "
The Commoner.
' 1Hfp '
r
;
-v .
?-
- .1
I
When
There'll bo steam heat at the far
north pole, and melted the frozen
snow;
The equatorial line will freeze and
frost on the bread fruit grow;
The gulf stream's flow to the south
will turn and Cuba be washed
away;
The Father of Waters will Change
his course and flow into Hudson's
Bay;
The old Yukon will be boiling hot
and .goodness be sold by the can
When the old Pacific is gobbled up
by the sawed-off sons of Japan.
The hogs will soar through the azure
sky, and the birds' will root and
SQueal;
Chicago will slip from its present
spot and- anchor by old Mobile;
The city of Penn will have no graft,
and Pittsburg will be free from
soot;
The streets of Boston will be straight
. as strings and roses will grow in
Butte;
The Standard Oil will be run straight
and the "Big Stick" stuffed with
bran
When the old Pacific Is gobbled up
by the sawed-off sons of Japan.
The tariff barons will cry enough and
cheerfully yield their graft;
The winter winds from the frozen
wilds the warmest' of zephyrs
waft;
The sun "will shine on the darkest
night, and-the moon will shine by
day;
The finest of figs on thistles grow
and wine will be squeezed from
hay; '
The ox will feed" on rye bread and
cheese and its owner will feed on
bran
When the old Pacific is gobbled up
by the sawed-ff sons of Japan.
The Wisdom of the Ancients
"I've heard a whole lot about the
'wisdom of 'the ancients,' " remarked
the Wise Guy as he deftly abstracted
a cracker from the barrel and moved
stealthily towards the cheese box.
"This 'wisdom of the ancients' busi
ness is all fol-de-rol. When old
Rameses, or whatever his name was,
built the pyramids he was just a
common old skate who put a million
or so of laborers to work., and when
the thing was done he merely had a
pyramid on his hands. Had he been
wise according to this day and gen
eration he would have schemed it a
little different,
"He would have organized the
Egyptian Pyramid and Development
company and issued a lot of pre
ferred and common stock, to say
nothing of a lot of gold debenture
bonds. When these were 'Sold re
taining enough, of course, to keep
. him in control he would have or
ganized a building, company with the
usual grist df common, preferred and
first mortgage bonds. These would
have been worked off on the confid
ing Egyptians, and while they were
figuring on their dividends he would
have organized a holding company
that would, bring in some more mon
'ey and at the same time give him
control of the finances of all "three
concerns. By this time he would
have been ready -tor turn the annual
Nile rise Into the stock and water it
to a finish.
"But instead of taking advantage
- of -his opportunities he just went
ahead and built the pyramids with
out any side issues. Old Rnmeses
wouldn't last a minute if ho got
mixed up with some of our modorn
builders and promoters. That's why
it makes me tired to hear a lot of
would-be wise ones talking about the
'wisdom of the ancients.' "
Real Information
"I have examined your prospectus
carefully," said the great lawyer,
"and I am afraid that you can not
legally carry out your plans."
"O, fudge!" exclaimed, Mr. Gob
socash petulantly. "We're not re
taining you to tell us what we can
not do legally; what we want is in
formation as to what we can legally
do that Is, what wo can do, and
how far we can go, without getting
tangled up with the courts."
Betwixt and Between
With Will Griffin of Milwaukee on
the north singing about the glories
of his home city and state, and Judd
Lewis of Houston on the south sing
ing of the joys of his home city and
state, wo are going to remain right
here in Lincoln, Nebraska, and have
the time of our life. And if Will
and Judd want to experience real
living they will meet each other half
way and the three of us" will go at it.
So there, now!
note of tho arrest of Yamato Kl
moni, tho" young Japanoso follow,
and you merely wrote that ho was
pinched for being noisy. You over
looked tho opportunity to make a
fcaturo story about how he wns a
spy In tho employ of tho Mikado
with 'Sketches of our forts, const de
fenses and battleships in his pos
session. You may take this slip to
tho cashier and get what is coming to
you to date. 1 think it possible, how
over, Mr. Yalevard, that you might
make a success as one of those real
istic writers. Good day, sir."
Tho Races
"Still playing tho races, old man?"
"No; I've boon cured."
"How was it?"
"0, I rigged up a slate and put
all my money on it. But a horso
named Spongo won and wipod my
slate clean."
Capable
"Are you able to support, my
daughter, and give her everything
she w has been accustomed to?"
growled the father.
"I can support her all right, all
right," replied Mr. Wlseun, "but as
for giving her everything she has
been accustomed to under your roof
I have no hesitancy in telling you
that one reason she is marrying me
Is to get away from a lot of those
very things."
Not Guilty
"Entering the city editor's room
the visitor said:
"I have here a dog's tale that "
"Wo are not printing any nature
fakes these days," growled the man
at tho desk.
"O, this isn't any nature story,"
said the visitor. "I meant to say
that I have a ring of bologna, and
If you know where we can get the
crackers we won't have to spend any
thing for lunch."
Space Fillers
Open cars,
Cheap cigars. s
Boston Globe.
End seat hog
Sits like log.
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Peekaboo, x
Lovely view.
Birmingham Age-Herald.
Then wind blew,
Your whiskers thru.
Ohio Sun.
And tho trip
Ends in grip.
Washington (D. C.) Times.
A doctor's bill
And an empty till.
Kansas City Post.
This makes us tired "
You're all fired.
A Near Limerick
'
There was a young man who, kept
wishing
That he could drop work and go
fishing,
But the boss chortled "Nay,
Here at work you must stay,"
And the young man had to do It to
eat.
Gallant
He saw the maiden land ker-splash.
Deep into the mountain lake;
He made a quick and sudden dash
Quick as a lamb's tail's shake.
He threw himself in the water there
And in little less than a trice
He rescued the dainty damsel fair
And skated ashore on the ice.
Unfitted
"I greatly fear," remarked the
managing editor to the new reporter,
"that you are unfitted for newspaper.!
work."
"In what have I been derelict?"
queried Mr. Yalevard .Grad, late of
Boston.
"You were sent out to make a
"Brain Leaks '
A patch in time saves monoy.
Carelessness is the father of vain
regret.
A chloroformed conscience heeds
no accuser.
Today's" duties well done means
tomorrow's rest well won.
The man who achieves his ideal
had a poor one to start with;
Tho first sign of a man's strength
Is his knowledge of hisown weak
ness. The man who hunts for a job usu
ally lands quicker than the man who
seeks a situation.
A Jot of men have changed their
Ideas about life when their first born
was laid in their arms.
The two best vacations are the one
we had last year and tho one we are
going to have this year.
We are Idoking for a restaurant
where things don't taste as if all
were fried in the same skillet.
A lot of union men would kick
hard if their wives charged them
price and a half for overtime.
A wife can forgive her husband a
great many things if he is only handy
at fixing up things around the house.
Some men look upon home as a
place where they can grunt and com
plain without danger of being called
down.
The man who tackles and performs
all the little duties that confront him
is always ready when really big
things come up for doing.
Between the ages of eight and
twelve a boy hesitates between be
ing a snare drummer and a locomo
tive engineer as a life profession.
A dinkey little plate for a prize
at a card- party means a "social pleas
ure." A "jack-pot" with $2 cash in
it means "gambling." There is
greaf need of a revised 'social dic
tionary. -
IA
Pk
Sate
Every Keen Kuttcr
Axe is fastened to
the helve by the
Grclliicr Everlast
ing Lock Wedge
(used only in Keen
Kuttcr tools) a
device which once
driven home In any
tool unites head and
handle fib securely thnt oyfire
can separate them. Hence a
mm
mm
Axe cannot fly off to the annoy
ance and danger of the chopper.
I,oolc for the Keen Kuttcr
trademark. It covers thi
"unfcHxc" and alo better,
truer Saurs,PJatic4, Adzes,
Ham sien, Augers, Bracet,
Bits. Gimlet, thliirla.
W Gouges, Squares, Bevel,
T etc., than is possible to
find under any other name, as well as
Porks, Jloes, Hakes, Scythes, etc. If
not at your dealer's, write us.
"The RtcoVtctxon tf Qualltv IUma(nt Lent
jVtertheJ'riccUIl'or9otten."-JZ.C.ttlmmoM.
Trt4eMk KcUurcd.
SIMMOMS HAXBWAU COMPANY (lac).
, Umim mA Hew Y-k, 0. S. ,
CHILLICOTHE, MO.
NORMAL
AND
BUSINESS
COLLEGES
ALLEN
Invtructnrs, Jootnlente.
ProfcfiHfoiinl and Literary
Councn. Knter any tlnio,
IN Student in ono Knrwtrf
City Dank. Typewriter.
1'fwlUon ttccurcd, or tuition re
funded. Car faro paid. Stall
course dcfiircd. Addrees,
MOORE, Pres.,
I4IS Menroa St., Chllllcetha, KJ,
MUlJk,Hf1 & WWt 111
fM Can Awn m JBlanesd rWllL..
WisdoaoftDprofa. If ToalikH. Bay l-Cor
dllTrr, tUac 8 mostbly paymrat. CaUlcf frM. "Writ bow.
LorriH bkoh. a it.. vpt. um w tmne ncraief, c.
Anti-Trust Type
Wc will nECABT your hell box Into
new typo for one-half tho original
cost of now typo, BKNDFORCAT
AJOO AND RECASTING PLAN.
I Wt Will Pay th Freight
TEXAS TYPE FOUNDRY
SAN ANTONIO, TKXAM
Unanswerable
"Why, Johnnie! I am surprised
to see you so unwilling to go to
school. Do you want to grow up in
Ignorance?"
"Yessum."
"Gracious goodness, John Henry
SIviterl What makes you want to
grow up in ignorance?"
" 'Cause the richest man I know
of is the ignorantest man in the
country if the daily papers" are giy
iiig. it to us on the level."
j
- 4
j-aaRt
HS&L
au:
-'Wi ' tfi I1" f
i4 m nwhS iUfrlwiimiM