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The Commoner.
, The Philanthropist
He gave a. million dollars to a mis
sionary board,
And felt the glow of Christian
charity.
Ho gave a school a million from his
huge financial hoard,
And built a costly college fair to see.
Then, while the cheers wore ringing
for his gifts so generous,
He stepped within his office out of
view,
And without a bit of warning and
-without a bit of frss
Ho made an order cutting wage in
two.
He gavb two million dollars that a
hospital might be
Erected for the helpless, poor and
eld.
He gave some added millions with a
look of sanctity
That his fellows might be brought
within the fold.
Then, while the cheers were ringing
and the press was full of praise,
Into his private offices he stole,
And without a bit of warning he pro
ceeded there to raise
Some twenty-five per cent the price
of coal.
He lifted off a mortgage from a costly
city church,
And built a handsome chapel in the
slums.
For needy schools and colleges he
made a careful search
And finding them v would give them
handsome sums.
Then, while the people cheered him
and the papers praised his name,
Before his handsome desk he took
his seat,
And without a bit of reason save to
play his golden game
He proceeded to advance the price
of meat.
He lost no opportunity to face a Sun
day school
And talk of Christian duties to be
done.
He always seized his chances to ex
pound the golden rule
And give advice concerning things
to shun.
Then, while the people shouted,
"What a kindly Christian heart!"
He stole away into his private den,
Ad without a bit of warning he pro
ceeded there to start
The price of coal and foodstuffs up
- again.
"This criticism of the new bill at
the Syndicate theatre how about
it?"
"Simmerman says it is all right,"
replied the dramatic editor.
"Has all of the press report been
carefully edited by the representatives
of the various financial interests men
tioned?" "There is nothing of interest to
them in the general report," replied
the telegraph editor. "But Chicago
and New York report everything sent
out from there as being vouched for
at the board of trade and Wall street
headquarters."
"Very well," said the managing edi
tor. "We will now look after the edi
torial page. Mr. Spacefull, you will
write a column editorial on 'the duty
of the free and untrammeled press,'
and you, Mr. Lineltoff, are expected
to write two shorter editorials, one
on 'the accomplishments of the party,'
and another on 'the wliichness of the
whyfore.' That is all, gentlemen. To
morrow's issue of the Whoop will be
among our best."
Warned
"And now," concluded the capital
ist and trust promoter to the legal
gentleman just retained to look after
things in general, "remember that you
are to cut out of your public speeches
all talk about 'rotten money,' and 'na
tional honor' and that sort of thing."
"But what shall I talk about?"
queried the salaried banquet speaker.
"Talk about anything save the sub
jects I have tabooed. Great Scott,
man! Bo you want to have people
catch on to our little financial game
right at the start!!"
show. I thought he was coining
money."
"He was until he became too real
istic." "How's that?"
"He used real ice in the river scene
once and the ice trust is now adver
tising the props for sale."
Limerick
There was a young man in Cohoes
Who had a rum bloom on his noes."
He thought it was fine
And he swallowed more wine,
Until he just turned up his toes.
Musical
"So you have jilted George Sharp,
eh? I thought sure you would make
a match with him. What was the
mutter?"
"Matter enough. The trouble is
that G. Sharp is a flat."
(Originality is not claimed for this
joke. It is printed merely to cause
a lot of people to go to the piano and
see the point of it glaring at them
from a black key.)
The Fourth Estate
The managing editor of the Daily
Whoop collected all the proof about
him and then called in every member
of the staff.
"Gentlemen," said the managing ed
itor, "we are about to begin making
up the paper. Here is an article on
the oil market; has it been properly
revised by the manager of the Yard
stick Oil company?"
"Yes, sir," replied the market re
porter. "I showed it to Mr. Bogers
and he said it was calculated to de
preciate stocks to a point where the
system would find it profitable to
buy."
"And here is an article on the rail
road situation; has it been properly
0. K'd.-by the regular authority?"
"Yes, sir," responded the railroad
reporter. "1 showed it to Mr. Harri-
fCBKfitv.x "" imi ma aem on it. bio.
y,0nenatulated me on having covered
' , every letail in n. wnv nninuinf .
lUffrflf KG lnterests of tho manage-
Rich
"I am a self made, man," boasted
the new millionaire. "I began life
without a dollar; now I have a for
tune' Naturally we felt impelled to ask
him how he made his money.
"I made it in automobiles," he said
with a proud smile.
"Wholesale or retail?" we asked.
"Neither repair shop."
"I
Shawesque
"Good"' shouted the merchant.
cleared ?650 last month."
"That's good," replied a -friend.
"Business must have been unusually
good."
"Nope, that wasn't the reason."
"Well, what was?"
"I didn't pay any of my bills till
this month, and the books showed up
in my favor."
Versatile Man
Jaggsley is the most versatile fel
low I know."
"How so?"
"He's a consistent bull on the board
of trade r:id a confirmed bear at
home."
The Reason
You, of ten see some verses
Written as these written here.
The reason why thus written
I'll struggle to make clear.
The heat is something awful; r
Tis hard to find a rhyme.
That's why they're written thusly
For
it
saves.
much
time.
The poet grabs his pencil,
Doffs his collar and his tie,
Gazes forth with pensive manner
And a tired look in his eye,
Then a sudden smile illumines
The poetic writer's face,
And he grinds 'em out this fashion
For it
fills
.'.,.. more
space.
Don't For Boys
Don't think it "girlish," to -be gen
tle. Don't call your father "the old
man."
Don't mistake impudence for smart
ness. Don't forget that your mother, too,
is a lady.
Don't forget to black the heels of
your shoes.
Don't wear good clothes purchased
by a father's patches.
Don't stay out all night in order
to be up with the lark.
Don't stop "washing your hands at
the lower end of the wrists.
Don't get tha idea into your head
that cigaret smoke makes men.
Don't think that acquiring bad hab
its makes you more of a man.
Don't forget that the girl you talk
about is some other boyjs sister.
Don't forget that-some things you
think smart are what wiser people
think are silly.
pon't forget that a story unfit for
ladies to hear is equally unfit for gen
tlemen to repeat.
Don't forget that many of the little
tasks you overlook about the house
must be done by your tired mother.
meat.'
He Failed
"I see that Biggerly has gone bank
rupt with his 'Uncle Tom's Cabin'
Brain Leaks
A poor cook spoils the home.
'"When we have done our best we
have done all.
A square meal is better when round
ed off with good humor.
The eloquence of he prayer is uo
sign of its rising qualities.
If good clothes made a man all
tailors would be millionaires.
Money may provide the mansion,
but it takes love to make a home.
A whisper of slander is heard fur
ther than a megaphoned compliment.
There is a vast difference between
owning money and being owned by
money.
Flattery is a food that fools thrive
on, but even the most sensible like a
nibble at it occasionally.
A great many of us waste so much
time wishing we could do some great
good for the world that we miss nu-
VOLUME 5, Number
meroiis opportunities to dn iim
things that would in the agS
amount to a great deal. sal9
When we have learned iust whn ,,
our neighbors we have gone?,
ways towards getting right. S
We never realize what hard work
is until we see a boy with a fiE
pole headed-for the creek. S
It is a wise husband who lmow
enough to keep still when the Ml
will not jell. Jlly'
When people see a man quick to
invest m labor saving devices they
are quick to say that he is progrcs,'
sive. But wouldn't it bo well to la
vestigato and see If he puts as many
labor saving devices in his wife's
kitchen as he puts in his office or on
his farm?
GLARING INCONSISTENCY
The glaring inconsistency between
preaching and practice were never bet
ter illustrated than when, on "peaco
day" last week word was received that
General Wood had just succeeded ia
killing three hundred Moros ia tho
Philippines.
Thus while the people of America
were down on their knees praying for
"peace" and while school children
were being given special instructions
against the horrors and brutalities of
war and the beauties and beneficenco
of peace one of our own generals lead
ing an army of our own troops was
engaged in killing some people who
belonged to us; by right of purchase.
To be sure the need of peace in
struction has been fostered by tho
war between Russia and Japan, and
it was the example" of these two war
ring nations that prompted tho peaco
proclamation, and it seems right and
proper that the spectacle of war which
these two nations are furnishing tho
world should be used as a great
teacher for peace.
The quickness with which enthusi
astic peace advocates have seen their
opportunity in this respect is com
mendable. But what about the Philip
pine beam in our own eye? Is it right
or consistent for the American nation
to carry on a war against the Filipinos
while condemning war between Russia
and Japan? Another thing, when tho
aauses of the two wars are studied,
are they not fundamentally the same?
Russia wants certain territory that
Japan wants. If Russia succeeds in
getting this territory she may eventu
ally invade Japan and seek to Russian
ize her. The Philippines claim terri
tory which the United States wants.
If the United States is allowed to ac
quire complete mastery over all tms
territory, she will either American
the Filipino or wipe him from the faco
of the earth. ...
According to dispatches these JOB
Filipinos which General Wood Kiliea
were well armed, which fact lends spe
cial significance tb a victory that cost
us only seven lives, and more t Ma
warrants the general's eloquent uci
tations on the neatness and dlspatcn
with which his troops performed tneir
"dangerous and difficult" task.
An eminent student of races oi
men and international policies, one
peculiar fitted to discuss these matters,
recently said: "In attempting to trans
plant to the Philippines their socw
and political institutions, Pducts
the unique conditions of the Unltea
States, the Americans show a remarj,
able blindness to the causes of t
own development, for every natur
circumstance which has contribute!
the growth of a distinctly Ante ilea
civilization is wanting in the n"
pine islands." . . neg.
Great minds may differ on this J
tion, but this nation could certain y
afford to be consistent and cease
prate of peace while engaged w
tive war. Columbus Press.