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The Commoner.
VOLUME 5, NUMBER 17
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Left Alone
Yj was an actor man who spako
Whllo tears rollod down his chocks
;And wot tho roots of stubby beard
3 Unshaved for several weeks.
"Alas," ho cried, "I'm loft alone;
IIo's gono before," ho said.
"But two men o'er could play 'old Rip
And one of them Is dead."
Ho struck mo for a dollar bill
With which to drown his woes.
"How often have I spont my wage
That was my way, and Joe's,
ghat's mine is yours, and yours is
mine,'
Ho often to mo said.
Aalas, but two could play 'old Rip
And th' other one is dead."
Tho old school actor man turned round
To hido his swelling grief.
"Tho way wo used to chum,"- ho said
"Is almost past belief.
If .Too grow tired he wired mo. .
And I played in his stead
ifes, only two could play 'old Rip
And th' other one is dead."
I begged tho old school actor man
To como and with me and dine.
Said ho: "My grief is such a load
I really should decline
But yet I'll go; perhaps tho change
Will do me good," he said.
"I may forgot there were two 'Rips
And th' other one is dead."
"When next you play tho good old
part,"
Said I, 'Til surely go."
Tho old school actorman looked sad
And shook his head for no.
"I'll no'or again play that old part.
'Twould break my heart," ho said,
To think that of tho two great 'Rips'
The other ono Is dead."
See? I got t' git tho money, so dig."
What excuse had I then for delay?
There was tho man and the pistol,
and somewhere there was a benevo
lent board waiting for money and not
caring where It came from.
Besides, why should I, in addition to
losing my money, put myself hi a posi
tion to be denounced as "small
minded," "censorious," "socialistic,"
and all that sort of thing.
I dug.
Wrong
Bill the Bug "Dat wuz a swindle.
Do horse was doped an' I wuz done
out uv a cool hundred. Dat ain't no
honest way t run a race, an' do feller
dat does it ought'er be in jail."
Pete the Pipe "Plow did yer make
de century, Bill?"
Bill the Bug "I swiped it from a
sucker w'.ot fought he know all about
whore de little ball wuz goin' ter light.
An' now it's done been stole from me.
It ain't right, Pete; dat's what it ain't."
Limerick
There was a young man in Ky.
Who felt himself awfully lucky.-
A maiden with money -
Oft' called him her honey,
And also her darling and dy.
Discerning
"But is that the way to serve the
people who elected you?"
"I have acted in accordance with
tho wishes of the men who elected
The Difference
"Still poring over those fashion
magazines, eh?" queried Mr. Bildad is
a superior tone of voice.
"Yes, ray dear," meekly responded
Mrs. Bildad.
"Funny how you women take such
delight in looking over those fashions.
What is there about all that fancy
dress fixing that interests you so?"
"They are very pretty, my dear,"
said Mrs. Bildad.
"Huh!" snorted Mr. Bildad, reaching
for his pipe and a chair. "Pretty
nothing.. Where's that catalogue I
brought home this evening?"
"What's that, my dear?"
"That catalogue big red-backed cat
alogue." "0, you mean that ono from that
lodge supply house and containing pic
tures of all those fancy robes, ,and gilt
crowns, and. laco vestments, and red
boots, and silver swords and such, like,
eh?"
"Yes, that's, what I "
"Here it is, Mr. Bildad. But I never
could see how men could take delight
in trapping themselves out in. that
sort of mummery, and calling it , by
some high-sounding name that: "
"Mrs. Bildad, can't I have a minute's
peace in my own house," shouted Mr.
mo," said, tho statesman. "I have Bildad, throwing the catalogue, at the
aothing to do with the people who
merely cast their votes for me."
Unkind
The -chief priests and elders, after
shuddering awhile at the sight of the
money JUdas returned to them, waxed
wroth.
"This is a mean advantage to take,"
declared one.
"It is worse than that," said another.
"Ho might have offered it to us
through an agent, and specified that
It should, be used by us as we saw fit."
"Quito true," said another. "Had he
done so wo would not be supposed to
know, Where he got it."
The more they thought about it tho
madder they' became. .
Th,qn it Was that they went out and
bought tho potter's field and called it
tho Field of Blood.
cat and thrusting his lighted pipe into
his coat pocket. "I am going down
town and stay until you can give me a
minute's rest from your constant nag
ging." And Mrs. Bildad only smiled when
the door slammed.
leaned back In his judicial chair and
resumed his hearing of the case, not
withstanding the fact that ho carried
in his pocket an annual pass over that
same railroad? the pass being good for
himself and lamily, with dining car
and sleeping car privileges added.
As before stated, the reader is in
vited to draw his own conclusion.
The Patriot
Calling his private secretary into
tho inner office and bidding him close
tho .door, the Great Magnate said:
"Have you arranged with Senator
Graball to get our special legislation
through?"
"The senator tells me that there
can be no such thing as failure."
"And have you arranged with the X.,
Y. & Z. railroad for a better rebate on
our product?"
"The manager of the freight depart
ment has finally consented to increase
our rebate by giving us 20 per cent
more of the freight paid by our com
petitors." "And have you sold the bonds in
my Aurora Borealis and Blue Sky cor
portation to the Benevolent Life As
surance company as an investment for
the benefit of our' policyholders?"
"Yes, sir; I made the transfer on the
books todayv and your account is cred
ited with an amount that equals the
par value of the stock of the Aurora
Borealis and Blue Sky stock."
"Has, that state senator to whom we
gave all those railroad passes finally
seen his way clear to vote for those
bills of ours?"
"Yes, sir; he told me last evening
that ho was convinced of the-righteousness
of our demands."
"And, by the way, how about that
ordinance wo introduced in the city
council last week, vacating a couplo of
public streets and giving them to us?"
"We had, some trouble, sir, but it is-
all over. Several of the nldermen in
sisted upon being paid more than the
established rate, but they finally ac
cepted the original tender. The ordi
nance will be passed at tonight's meet
ing." "That is very good. Now I wish
you would finish that speech you are
preparing for me and which I am to
deliver at the banquet of the Sons, of
America society tomorrow evening.
Lay especial stress upon the dangers
of allowing these anarchistic and so
cialistic agitators to continue their as
saults upon vested rights, and ring in
something about these great industries
being given to us as trustees to admin
ister in the interests of the great com
mon people. Be sure and have it
ready by tonight, as I will have to
commit it to memory." ,
"Yes, sir. Is that all?"
"Yes, that's all. You may go now."
And as' the secretary retired the
Great Magnate sighed wearily -and
turned to his desk to frame up a few
more schemes calculated to benefit the
people.
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Necessity
Wlienvtle highwayman, shoved his
pistol under my nose and ordere'd me
to fork; over, yery naturally I objected.
"Awy-fctytt; up1 and dig up!" ho
growled ' ; , . ;.
-"ButK-"
"Cut It oUt,, cully; I ain't, no time to
waste. I'm a philanthropist, I am. and
de board is a waiting for mo donation.) a dollar from ono of the attorneys,
A True Story
This is neither a rhyme nor a fable.
Neither is it a bit of humor or phil
osophy. It is merely a plain statement
of a fact, and those who read it may
draw tnelr own conclusions.
A few weeks ago district court was
in session in a western city, and one
of the" jurymen, during a recess of the
court, finding himself temporarily
without funds, accosted an attorney
interested in the case then Doing tried
and sought the loan of a dollar.
The judge learned of this, and when
court convened called tho juror before
him and administered a- judicial re
buke that fairly sizzled. Tho juror
was dismissed with a rebuke, and the
trial began over again with a new
juror in tho box.
The case in question was ono where
in a railroad company, was a party to
the suit. The judge who dismissed the
juror who had tried to borrow
MOST APPROPRIATE ' '
Secretary Shaw has objected to re
ceiving a professional gravedigger as
his official coachman. Any ono who
has seen the kind of rigs in which
members of the cabinet, by the grace
of congress, draw up in front of the
white house on cabinet days, would
say that a professional hearse-driver
was the man needed to complete tho
picture. Minneapolis Journal.
MY BOOK AND MY SONG
I printed a book once and wrote a
song once. Now I want to sell both
To prevent any argument I will admit
that book and song are both good.
The book contains poems and
sketches that have been contributed
by me to The" Commoner. It also con
tains 275 pages. And, too, it con
tains a couple of hundred dollars that
I have as yet been unable to get out.
The price of the book is $1, postpaid
and it is worth more.
The song is "A Picture of My Moth
er When a girl." I wrote the words.
Mr. Will O'Shea, now deceased, wrote
the music. It is published in full sheet
music form with handsome title page.
The regular price of such sheet music
is 50 cents.
BOOK AND SONG, FOR $1.00.
I will send you both book and song
for one dollar and pay the postage.
This offer is good only during May.
If you give me an order and think you
have not received your money's worth,
I'll return the money and you may
return the book and song. Address
WDLL M. MAUPIN,
1216 G St., Lincoln, Neb.
-IT SOUNDED PLAUSIBLE
"That horse dealer down to Cross
town is a queer lot," remarked old
Jared Billings, as he sunned himself
on the horse block and watched his
neighbor mend a picket fence.
"What's the matter with him" in
quired the other, as he drove a nail
home without hitting his thumb.
"What's the matter? Why, he's a
sharper, he is ; you've got to look alive
or he'll cheat the very eyes out of you!
I'll just tell you what he did to me last
week.
"I had occasion to get a rig from
him just had to have it that very day
to go to town on that court business
and that horse dealer, he said he didn't
know me,, and he'd lost a lot, letting
things: to .strangers,.. :.and unless I'd
leave the worth o? the. rig with him
then and there he wouldn't hear to
my taking it.
"Well, it just so happened I had the
money by me wasn't much of a turn
out, by the way and I put it up with
him, and when I came back he handed
over the price and I give up the rig.
"Well, .now, what do you suppose
that fellow called after me as I was
putting off home? 'Hold on!' he hol
lered. ,'You've forgot to . pay for the
hire.'
"'Hire?' I said. THire? . I'd like to
know if I wasn't driving .my own rig
all the afternoon!' .,.',"
"Did you ever hear the' like o' that
for graspingness? Yes, sir, I tell you,
that horse dealer's a sharper!"
Youth's Companion.
easy
from
WAGES ONLY OBJECT
"Lots of men are hunting
berths," says a representative
Tennessee, "but multitudes of laboring
men who are compelled to earn their
ureaa uy tne perspiration of the fron
tal sinus ought to appreciate the Blm
ple beauty of this advertisement which
appeared in a New Orleans paper.
" 'Employment Steady work not so
much an object as good wages. C M
D. "Washington Times .
THAT LABOR DECISION
The supreme court of the United
States has just decided a case that
affects the labor question and is a
blow to labor organization. This de
cision declares that no eight hour law
or ten hour law can interfere with the
individual right to con(ract. There is
much to the question, and persons who
have not lived in cities where the la
bor question is a vital one can hardly
judge fairly. People in the country
know nothing about the labor question
except that there is always work and
no end to it. But to the city workman
it presents itself in an entirely differ
ent view, and we should hear both
sides, before deciding. The eight hour
law passed in many states has been a
great help to labor organizations and
has In turn been bitterly antagonized
by those who employ in great num
bers. The. greedy corporations have
won a great victory, which means mil
lions of additional profits where profits
are already large.-7-Hastlngs (Nob.)
Democrat. "
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