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The Commoner.
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VOLUME ,4, NUMBER 12,
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Noodod Information.
'Now should we Bhout ana danco in glee
I And bless our wondrous luck;
For Knox has told us earnestly
Ho will not run amuck.
Such Information is immense
And worth its weight in gold
It quiets roars that were immense
And causes joy untold.
Now lot friond Knox ko further and
Sot other fears at naught;
Let him spread news throughout the
land
That wo so long have sought.
.For instance, let him tell us quick
TMm Invfiil tifiWfl Jim! triJQ
That Russell Sago to gold will stick
As tight as 'a glue.
Let him go further In this wise
And give us added Joy;
Lot him bring laughter to our eyes
And glee without alloy
By tolling us tho truth straightway
That Rockefeller will
Keop hoisting up tho price we pay
For oil our lamps to fill. .
O Knox, keep up your wondrous stream
Of information do!
Our only source of news doth seem
To ho confined to you.
Wo wait to hear your mollow voice
Tho startling news declare
That wo can have no other choice
Than buy our coal of Baer.
Now toll us, Knox, tho added news
For which wo vainly grope:
That we've no other choice than u&o
Tho trust-made toilet soap.
That all wo eat and wear yes all!
In this trust-ridden land
Is owned by men at Broad and Wall
Who tax to beat tho band.
You '"will not run amuck?" 0, rata!
Tho man who thought you might,
Has got a belfry full o bats
That flutter day and night.
'Twas not for that you got your job
Ab you aro well aware.
While you aro in tho trusts will rob
Ana uo us up for fair.
See advertising dopartmont.
Histrionic.
The world id ono collossal stage,
And mankind is tho troupe;
And somo who pose and strut as stars
Would better try to supe.
Spring.
I've hot cloths upon nry torehead,
Mustard plasters on each lung;
First I'm freezing, then I'm torrid
For spring's beon sprung.
Encore.
"Were you called back after singing
your song?"
"Yes, but owing to the manner of
recall I think I showed good judgment
hi not responding."
see it about the time they load up
their purses with shipbuilding stock
and steel common."
Thus does history once more con
firm the theory that Shakespeare was
something more than a mere writer of
drama and verse.
P.rixdoxict.I.
The congressman deftly enclosed Ave
kinds of garden seeds in a package
and then addressed it to ono of his
constituents.
"Here," said he to himself, "here
is where I plant some garden seeds
and make hay."
From this incident we gather, some
explanation of why our politics is so
hard for the foreign guest to comprehend.
Don't
; -
Don't hurry.
Don't worry.
Don't flurry.
Don't sKurry. . , ,
Don't loaf when thefe'swork to bo
done. -.-:?.-.
Don't chatter. . ' ' ''. '-. ,.
Don't scatter.
Don't flatter.
Don't smatter.
Don't saunter when time comes to
run.
Exceptions.
"There is no excuse for lynching
nono whatever!" exclaimed the sub
urbanite. "Lynching is never just
Groat Scott, there's Blng's chickens in
my garden again!"
And when he returned from chasing
the hens out of the radish bed the
suburbanite continued:
"I was about to say that lynching
is never justified save . in extreme
cases."
And tho look he, cast in the direction
of tho Blng home was eloquent in its
silence.
"Tell me the real reason why you
don't want to read it any more.
"Well, it's this way,' said the re
publican. "It reminds me of a story
of my brother-in-law. He chews an
immense amount of tobacco, much to
his wife's displeasure, and she is al
ways begging him to quit the habit.
Finally ho agreed to take a certain
well advertised cure for the tobacco
habit if she would got it, and she did.
My brother-in-law took it as pre
scribed for quite a while, and then
threw the medicine away.
" 'What did you throw it away for?'
queried his wife.
"'0, the darned stuff was curing
me,' replied my brother-in-law.
"And now, perhaps, you willbe sat
isfied that I have good reason for not
wanting to read The Commoner any
more."
And the democrat thought ho saw
the point.
Discouraging.
The mechanical genius met the pas
tor and gleefully exclaimed:
"I have invented a contribution box
that will result in increasing con
tributions." "Ah," said the pastor, rubbing his
hands. "Explain its workings to me."
"It has a bell and phonograph at
tachments," said the genius. "When
anything less than a dollar is dropped
into the box the bell rings. When a
dollar or more is dropped in the
phonograph sings, 'All for Thee.'
Great, isn't it?"
"My friend," said the pastor, "your
intentions are good, but my greatest
problem now is how to get people to
attend church. Your invention will
empty the few remaining pews now
occupied."
Aftex Moore.
.r- (A long time after, too.)
You may scent, you may cleanso
Tho big gift, as you will,
But tho scent of tho coal oil
Will cling to it still.
Prophotlc.
"He who steals my purse stoals
trash," wrote Shakespeare.
Pausing for a moment the Bard or
Avon reflected.
"Well, it may take some time for
that to dawn upon them, but they'll
N Ctvutlous.
"Gentlemen," said the chairman of
the Investigating committee, "we
must proceed with caution."
"But tho proof against the defend
ant is overwhelming," insisted the new
member of the august body.
"Quito true," replied the chairman.
"But please bear in mind that a ver
dict of guilty would "reflect upon the
dignity of the body to which we belong."
Having thus stated the case fully
and fairly, the committee proceeded
to make diligent search for usable
luuuiucauties.
His R.ea.son.
A Commoner subscriber in New
York tells a little story that is well
worth repeating. He says that about
a year ago ho subscribed for a cony
of The Commoner and had it sent to a
republican friend. The friend agreed
to read it carefully each week and
presumably did so. At any rate 'when
the subscription expired and h s demo
cratic friend offered to send it to him
another year, ho said:
mow?5 l dU,t WaUt t0 read !t ay
crai"1 WUy nt?" qutfried the demo.
"O, I'm too busy to read it ani i
"teLj S0 7 otter p-apo"."6
But did you not learn something
to'atU??,yiw,t'
"Now look here," said tho democrat.
Braln Lo&ks.
Gentlemen are made, not born.
Happiness is hope In full bloom.
The loss of a minute spoils an hour.
There is no reformation without
agitation.
You do not have to grovel in order
to be humble.
Your neighbor's chickens are always
the worst scratchers. .
Every community has those who are
inordinately proud of being humble.
Do It Now enjoys a vacation whiio
After While is struggling for bread.
The greatest reformations have been
started by the reformation of one
man.
Strive Ever has monev to loan
while Wait a Bit is always paying in
terest. Wearing a patch is better than pay-
"fa uou;lx uu 8 money you spent for
fine raiment.
Some of the fashions in men's wear
make a Parisian toilette look like
three lead dimes.
A bunch of keys on the end of a
The man who makes light of things
held sacred by others mistakes fool
ishness for smartness. l
Our idea of a mean man is one who
52t h?0?'"" "P in th?nfit
to get his baby a drink.
SSSSSSSS
aehie TStott. by What
no?Uca?eOXnodwrmuhl,0r Saya h H
Are We Honest?
.1 believe you are, and I am willing
to let you judso me. i honestly be
lieve I have a book worth a dollar to
you, and I believe you will think so
after you see tnebook. Tne book is
one I published myself, and it is made
up of the poems and- sketches that
have appeared in the "Whether Com
mon or Not" department of The Com
moner, and in other publications. I
wrote them all myself. Tho book is
cloth bound, gold side and back
stamps, foroword by Mr W. J. Bryan
and has 277 pages. The price is One
Dollar.
A FAIR PROPOSITION.
If you say so I'll send you the book
on suspicion. If you think it is worth
a dollar, send me tho money, if you
do not think so send the bock back
in good condition natural wear and
tear expected and we'll call it square.
I make this offer for two reasons one
is I think the book is worth the dol
lar, and secondly, I think you will
think so and send me the money.
AN OPEN CONFEbSION.
Perhaps you would like to know
why I am so anxious to sell my book.
I'll tell you I need the money. Now
drop me a card and say youd like to
receive my book on suspicion. I'll
take- it for granted you are willing to
pay for it if vou like it and think it
worth the money, and I'll send it to
you by the next mail.
WILL M. MAUPIN,
2022 South. 17Lh St. .Lincoln, Neb.
them as soon as they begin telling
the truth. '
When a man begins complaining
about the newspapers it is a sign that"
he is afraid something will be dis
closed. When we see a man lighting a cigar
while advising his boy not to smoke,
we look around to see if. the F. K. is
drawing near. ,,
The Hustle & Hard Work railroad
may not run swift trains like tk9
Hurry & Worry line, but its trains do
not go in the ditch nearly so often.
A Funny Little Fake.
With her two kittle gunboats sold,
and her army reduced to 250 men, in
cluding the generals, the republiquita
of Panama will now settle down into
the funniest little falsehood of a
"sovereign, independent power" that
can be found on the earth's surface.
The fictions of diplomacy are often
convenient, but it is seldom that they
are so grotesque as in the case of this
"republic." Springfield Republican.
ONE-WAY RATES
Every day from March 1 to April
30, 1904, the Union Pacific will sell
One-way Colonist tickets at the fol
lowing rates from Lincoln:
$20.00 to Ogden and Salt Lake City.
$20.00 to Butte Anaconda and
Helena.
$22.50 to Spokane and Wenatchee,
Wash.
$25.00 to-Everett, Fairhaven, What
com, Vancouver and Astoria, via Hunt
ington and Spokane.
$25.00 to 'Portland and Astoria; or
to Tacoma and Seattle, via Huntington
and Portland or1 via Huntington and
Spokane.
$25.00 to Ashland, Roseburg, Eu
gene, Albany and Salem, via Portland,
$25.00 to San Francisco, Los An
geles, San Diego and many other Cali
fornia points.
From Chicago and St.. Louis propor
tionately low rates are in effect by
lines connecting with tho Union Pa
cific to all above points.
For full information call on or ad
dress E. B. Slosson, Gen, Agent, Lin
coln, Neb.
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