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About The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 16, 1903)
' V The Commoner. 10" ' VOLUME- 3, NUMBER 39, ( ft i a-rt-j s ' Hew It Happened. They say in Beaumont, Texas, Where oil wells by the score JTholr wealth of greasy richness Into the big tanks pour, That Mr. Rockefeller, Who thought to call a halt On independent gushers, Just pumped 'em full of salt. Of" course it was base slander Upon this goodly man. Ho only thought to help them By this peculiar plan. Ho saw they were inclining Towards the sins of fleBh, And thereby wer- becoming Entirely too fresh. And Mr. Rockefeller, Who saw the dangers dread That faced their souls was troubled, And sadly bowed his head. And bowing then ho trembled And neither ate nor slept, But interceded, for them And wept, and wept, and wept And thus the explanation For all the salt ttiey" found In oil wells down in Texas Where oil wells do abound. 'Twas not a game ho played 'em . Not in a thousand years 'Twas but the natural sequence Of Rockefeller's tears. Credulous. "Softleigh is a man who believes everything ho hears." "Yes;, ho even believes that Mr. Knox is really in earnest when he talks about' busting the trusts." OtUCK. There was a young lady in Lynn Who fastened her belt with a pynnf When her fellow called 'round The pynn he soon found, And what he then said was a synn. Thinking The disagreeable boarder looked up and coughed slightly. v "One is wad tlie sower and the other is sad the wooer," ho remarked. ' "What are you driving at?"' queried the inquisitive" boarder. "Nothing much," replied the dis agreeable boarder. "That's a good an swer and I'm trying to think up a conundrum that will fit it." to the unfortunate. I believo that it is our plain duty to " There was a crash,, a slamming door and hurried footfalls down the back sidewalk. "Hully gee I" exclaimed Hitte Do Rhodes when he was around the cor ner out of sight. "Dat was a fortunit escape. When she said dem words about 'plain duty' I could see my fin ish if I didn't make my get-away." Mr. Hitto Do Rhodes might be a typical trampf but he read the News papers. - A PlalHtiv. WalL I am getting tired 'and weary . "V Of this Hi-a-wa-tha business, Of the everlasting hogwash That afflicts us all so heavy. Ev'ry scribbler in the country From Pe-quod to Sac-re-men-to, From Chi-ca-go to Gal-ves-ton And then backjigain to Lin-coin, Grinds it out oy rods and furlongs Till I'm prone to cry in anguish, "Dash the blankety long fellow Who first started all the trouble; Started on the Min-ne-ha-ha Laughing Water style of spelling." .Everybody that we meet with, Has a pair of lips in pucker ' ' Pouring out the Hi-a-wa-tha Two-step, of its twin, Anona, Just as if the rotten rhymsters Couldn't give us all a plenty -With their Mln-ne-ha-ha jingles Without all the fiends who whistle Chiming in with tones so piercing Tra-la-la, de-di-do-de-di. If I had my way henceforward" All who whistle sing or play this, Write or rhyme or likewise use this Hi-a-wa-tha stunt hereafter Would in boiling oil he hoisted And there boiled and boiled a plenty, While I poked the fire and gave them All the merry Mln-ne-ha-ha. Tht Reason. . ., Ho was a hustling business man And over on the go. He rushed his business day and. night And rustled to and fro. But strange to say thjs business man Was always deep in debt; Despite his greatest efforts No profits could he got The. reason? Well, that's easy The business that ho bad Was other, people's business- His own went to the bad. Woman's Intultloa. Despite oft repeated proofs to the contrary it is not unusual to hear peo ple say that women possess no subtle wit. "Mary," remarked Angoline, "I am surprised to see you using hair dye. Do you not know that hair dye affects your eyes"" "Why, Angeline, dear" replied Mary, "that's just what I'm using It lor." This shows that even if a woman possesses no subtle wit she still pos sesses a valuable ' invoice of woman's intuition. ' - '- . Tht Wis Tramp. "Come right in, my good man," ex claimed Mrs. Kindharto as Hitte Do Rhodes shambled up the back steps. "Come right in ar let mo give you something to eat." "Aw, dis ain't no cinch, eh?" mur mured Hitte De Rhodes to himself as he took the proffered chair, w "I never turn the unfortunate from ' tny door," said Mrs. Kindharto as she approached the cuphoard. "Well, I've been mighty unfortunit, num,nsald Hitte. "'So I sev I believe in being kind V Ib Ohio. here's doin's in Ohio Where Hanna's in tho race 1 Intent on getting Back to His senatorial place. -'But Marcus now is worried, Of that there is no doubt, For Johnson's sure to catch him If he don't v watch v out And MarcuB puts in motion' His old campaigning plan; And hustles round together' With his old fryingpaiv - An.d all tho corporations Must yield without a pout -Or Johnson will get Hanna If Mark n ,' ' don't watch. " " out. A LlttU Fabit. Two cunning officeholders, each in tent upon a re-election, met by chance In a quiet and secluded spot "Let us frame up a great scheme," said one. "Agreed," said the other. "I will go forth into -the world' said one, "and proclaim that youare the greatest man that ever happened." "Tis well," said the other.. "And I will go forth into the world and in sist that you are the greatest man that ever eventuated' "Yes," replied the one, "but suppose a man hears both of us and asks how it is possible for each of us to be gieater than the other?" "0, that is dead easy," replied the one. "We must work on opposite sides of the street" Moral: Don't be a clam.- Brain Leak; . Courtesy is the oil that makes the wheels of business run smoothly. - " People who believe in dreams usual ly have little faith int themselves. The man who zealously 'guards his liberty is in no great danger of losing it Some people never do anything in church circles until they see an op portunity to kick up a fuss. If we could only do our own work as easily as we think we could do an other's, what a happy life this would be. Speaking of great inventors," why not erect a monument to the memory, df the woman t who invented tomato sauc,e? It is a wise mother who. makes .her son whistle while he Is seeding 'the raisins, but it is a wiser mother who lets the boy remain silent What's a few raisins by the side of a boy's good will? The London Gazette, The London Gazette is the oldest and least read of any newspaper. It is at once the biggest and tho lrast of all our papers, for it is the onjy paper in the land which changes its size from' one page to a hundred, according to the' pressure of news It is the only newspaper whose word is , law and whose authority is accepted in the wit-. ness box. It can make and unmake bankrupts. It Is tho only, paper In which certair persons ar.e compelled to advertise, and in which certain other persons cannot advertise for love or money. It yields a profit Of 20,000 a year. ' The London Gazette has become reg ularized as a part of the British con stitution 'now, but time- was when the editorship of the Gazette was one of the spoils o: office, worth 800 a year. It was the recognized reward of party services in the press. Tho government is more economical today in its journalism. Under the old re gime the Gazette had, besides its edi tor, a staff of five clerks1 appointed by the treasury, but in 1889 the treasury remodelled the management of the paper, found the staff employment elsewhere and left the whole respon sibility of the Gazette on its present publishers, Messrs. Harrison & Sons, of St. Martin's Lane. Tho printing of the paper has been in the Harrison family for practically 130 rears. ADsoiu.to secrecy as to the contents of any forthcoming Gazette prevails at St Martin's Lane, and, though there are a thousand workers in Messrs. Harrison's offices, no item of news has over leaked out before its time. Ev ery ShOQt Of "conv" IB nHvnfo nnfl J confidential until it appears for all the A Book.Worth Reading moncr known as "Whother CnlL1"0. lorR: has arranged for publication In book form . number of verses and sketches that Iwvp n arcd in that dpntmnt ,i.ii.V'n.V9 "P- la other publications. ; appeared Whether Common or Not Will hn a hrvnlr nf nnt tnon 4t. r.- prin ed from clear type on an excellent quafitJ Of TlftTlfiV. unci hfmrlanmnlv nn,l .... i.. Tmlu.T ft, SiATi ' irh ; i.m """"" :t'K'y ouim j u.v.u. .. Fhvv uiwj uwu. uui UOVVI1 to thn national'bank notes orgold or silver certificates ready for delivery about December 1, 1903, and will make a handsome present lor husband wife brother, pJBtcr, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew cousin, sweetheart or mother-in-law. It vmi Want a copy, please write tho author to that e feet. You need not send the dollar until honoti. flesyou that tho book is ready. Ho uses this method in order that he may gather an Idea of how many copies ho can sell. If he orders a ble lot and fails to sell them ho will be flnanclnllv stuck. A gratifying number of orders have al ready been received. Read what some of tho subscribers say concerning "Whether Common or Not:' "Before ordering! was a constantsufTcrer from political black specks beforo my eyes. SInco ordering your book lean see my political fin ish." Iteodoro Thesevclt. "I suffered for months from visions of a large fat man hounding my path. Since orderlmr your book I am satisfied sutlsflcd that it's uo dream.'' Hark Manna. "I have long dreaded an attack of locomotor ataxia. As on experiment I ordered your book. and since thoii I am convinced that I would bo ungratelul to make any effort at moving." inlander Phlox. "For months fhavo suffered spasms in my in terior mechanism. Since ordering your book I am convinced that it is time to either hush It up or do something for it." Petiry C. Iluync. , - Order It Now And mako tho author feel like life Is worth living. Address WILL M. MXtJPIN, 2023 So, i7th Si. Lincoln, Neb. world to see. The "copy" for the Ga zette is written in the government cfilces, often , by cabinet ministers themselvesad is invariably returned with the proofs. Each secretary In itials his "copy" Lord Salisbury sign ing his with the letter "S" in rod ink and in cases of promotion in the ser vices no paragraph is accepted even in proof without being initialed a second time. Now and then on very rare oc casions a piece of "copy" is received autographed by the sovereign. West minster Gazette. RHEUMATISM Cured Through the Feet Don't Take Medicine, External Rem edy Brings Quick Relief. FREE on Approval. TRY IT. We want everyone who has rheuma tism to send us his or her name. We will send by return mail a pair of Magic Foot-Drafts, th'e wonderful ex ternal cure whic-t has brought more comfort into the United States than any internal remedy ever made. If they give relief, send us One Dollar; if" not, don't send us a cent. TRADE MARK ,U r Ifi M,'. . il Magic Foot Drafts aro worn on tho solos of tho feet and cure by absorbing--the poisonous acids in the blood through the large pores. They euro rheumatism in every part of the body. It must be evident to you that wo couldn't afford to send the drafts on approval if they didn't cure. Wnw today to the Magic Foot Draft yo XC17 Oliver Bldg., Jackson, Mien., PrtT. t.ii nntt. rf virnffs nn annrovai. tr-. j i nai.inMn Vinrtlflart OH vvo jscuu" a-iuu vium.uo Rheumatism. ' w ?l u "' -,.. Sf - .- ' ' r