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The Commoner.
10
VOLUME 3, NUMBER 1
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Mllt5.
, ,Ho fought his country's battle? liko a
; horo tried and true;
Whon he saw a thing was needed that
) . was what ho tried to do;
.'.But ho wasn't a physicianjust
worked upward from the ranks
'So ho got it in the jugular and went
minus Teddy's thanks.
-Nqw, perhaps if ho had hired some
press agent having skill,
Or had posed before some painter as
cavorting up a hill;
' Or had signed a big round robin as a
protest 'gainst the chuck,
. He'd have been right now enjoying
quite a diff'rent kind of luck.
Amplo Reason.
"But why are you so insistent upon
going to that particular hotel?"
"Because they always have a pen at
tho desk that permits you to register
without its spluttering all over your
shirt front."
about tho same things ,.for . dinner
wherovcr you go."
"I am happy to say that all of. them
do tholr utmost to entertain me roy
ally." "Of course everybody has tho same
old jokb about the yellow legged
chick' '.'"
"Indeed they do. "Will you please
pass tho ham.".
His Guess.
Tho visiting Filipino 'saw1, the. crowd
gather. He saw tho frenzied men tie
tho victim to ' tho stake, and Jio saw
the torch applied, He . watched with
interest while, the helpless victim
writhed In agony, and then gazing
upon the illuminated sky he softly
murmured:
'This, i presume, is ' the 'light of
civilization I have heard so much
about"
, Hopeless.
"What brought this poor man to
this unfortunate condition?" asked
the visitor at tho lunatic asylum.
"Ho is a land lubber who wore his
brain to a frazzle trying to unravel
tho mysterious explanations of. tho
Associated press concerning the yacht
races.
i
Learning.
.Uncle E. Z. Thynge gazed sadly
..upon the remains of the patent right
for" which he had paid $700.
"Well, all I got to say," said Uncle
E. Z., "is that th feller who said .talk
is cheap was mistaken. Th' foller
:that sold mo' this thing put up a talk
that cost me last year's wheat crop."
Different.
The people murmured and' protested
in the presence of the lawmakers
whom they had elected. '
"You promised us lower freight
rates," shouted the spokesman of the
i.tople.
"Softly, good sir," said the chair
man of tho caucus. "You are mlstalc-
As Usual.
Tho fussy man entered the restau
rant, dusted off Ills chair, .sat down
and reached for' the bill of fare.
"Waiter!"
"Yes, sab."
"I want you to be very careful with,
my order, and '.get just what' I order
the way I order' it."
"Yes, sub." ; '-'.
"I want a tlijn slice, of ,ham fried
crisply." ..
"Yes, pah." '. .
"And two eggs; ',frled .on one" side
only." "; ' '"' v :
"Yes, sah.' ,, -l. " . .... " .;
"A cup . of '-fresh coffee without
cream." , .
"Yes, sab." ...
"Now please give 'my, -Instructions to
the cook and have it served as rapidly
as possible." -Y
"Yes, sah."
Hustling to the window the waiter
shouted:'
"Ham ana; one in the black; como
a-runnin'." "
they want to keep concealed because
they are afraid of tho results of ex
posure. As between a man who acts with
out thinking and the man who thinks
without acting, we prefer the former.
Perhaps your wife's pies would taste
as good as those .your mother used, to
make if you had' tho same taster you
used to hate.- t . . '
We never .pass a" yard filled with
old-fashioned flowers but wnat . we
long for an invitation to eat dinner
with the woman who takes care;,f
them.. , ' ;
Sometimes the world is a little slow
in detecting tho difference between a
big man and one who merely apes a
big man's ways, but sooner, or later
it does it,
Whenever . we see a "mannish"
young, woman we begin to have a
great deal of respect for the young
man who likes to crochet and make
tatting.
Have you ever stopped to consider
that perhaps a lot of trouble is due
to the fact that the churches are us
ually darkest just when thp saloons
are brightest.
When a man is forty years old he
usually is sorry that he did not spend
the last twenty in trying to learn
what he thought ha knew during the
first twenty.
Of course you are opposed to prize,
lighting but, honestly now) when you
picked up the morning paper 01 Aug
ust 15 didn't you. look first for the
San Francisco date line?
The greatest reforms have come
about after the death of those who
instigated them, but they could not
have been- brought about without
them.
Deadly
Symptoms
Hollow Hacking Coughs, Bronchitis, Chronle
TonsiMis, Chronic Sore Throat, Asthma,
Catarrh, Throat and Lung Trou
bles, Night Sweats are all
Symptomsof the Deadly
Consumption
If You Suffer Prom Any of the Above Syfflp.
-tomsil Will flail You a Large Free Trial
Parttkge of fly Marvelous Cure Send
Name and Address Today
If you aro suffering, from a dry hacking conch.
night sweats, Intermittent fever, dull hcwlacW
shortness of breath on oxertion,' If you Lave a
K
Brain Leaks.
A man is like an egg best tested
when broke.
The foolish, man works hard look-
on. we merely declared that we were ig ior a sort job.
in favor of a reduction in freight Woe and Want are the twin children
rates."
X- . Anchor to Windward.
""But do you think that what you
have said will meet with the ap
proval of the people?"
"I think so," replied Senator Grab
all. "If it does not, I will merely deny
the correctness of the Interview and
declare that the reporter misquoted
me.'
of Lust and Laziness.
Money may build a , house, but
money cannot make it a home.
Don't Care 'is tho fertile soil which
raises a large crop of vain regrets.
The man who laughs at ill luck
sooner or later is smiled upon by
fortune.
You may safely trust the driver
Thus by degrees were we initiated wll Put3uis shoulder to tho wheel
into tho inner knowledge of why Sen
ator Graball always managed to hold
on.
Tired.
The minister who had been invited
to supply a friend's pulpit accompa
nied one of the parishoners homo to
dinner. The good people were de
lighted to bo his, hosts, and he lady
of tho house outdid herself In provid
ing a bountiful dinner.'
"Now, Brother Smith, I want you
to "help yourself," said the good wo
man. "Thank you, sister; I will."
"I suppose you are often invited
out while traveling, are yOu not?"
; "Quito often, thanks to the hospital
ity of the good people with whom I
come in contact."
"I presume, that most of. them have
and helps his horses out of the rut.
Every time watermelon season
comes man promises himself the
pleasure of eating one without a fork.
When Folly stumbles it curses its
luck. When Wisdom stumbles it is
grateful that the result was not a
broken limb.
A great many workingmen who
march as they please on Labov Day,
march on election day in a way that
pieases tno enemies of labor.
Do you want to spot a mean man?
If you do, look for the one whose
children quit laughing and playing
when he enters the house.
A little investigation will demon
strate that those who complain loud
est about "yellow journalism" are
usually those who have something
Mystery. of Wild Animals,
"The forest has many mysteries,1'
said an old woodsman, "but none deep
er than that of wild animals that die
ratural deaths. The four-footed
dwellers of the woods certainly do not
live forever. Age and disease must
carry them off regularly, but what be
comes of their bodies? I never heard
oc anyone coming across a wild bear
or deer or wildcat or fox that had died
fiom natural causes. I found the car
cass of a big five-pronged buck in tho
woods once, but a rattlesnake, also
dead, had buried its fangs in one of
tho deer's nostrils, There had evi
dently beefn a fight to the death be
tween the reptile and tho beast. j
"I have many, times found other dead
animals In the woods, but never one
that did not show Unquestionable evi
dence of having died from violence of
r.ome kind. Every woodsman wj.ll tell
you the same. What becomes ' of the
dead wild animals that die natural
deaths ?" Chicago Record-Herald.
Wm IP
DR. DERK'PYONKERMAN
chronic sore throat, 'bronchitis, nsthmn, tonsil
itis or any throat or lung trouble you aro In dan
ger of tho deadly consumption. Vital Btntlstlcs
of the U. 8. show that 65 per cent of all deaths
have these deadly symptoms for their primary
cause.
. I havo discovered a marvelous remedy for tho
quick and positive euro' of these deadly symp
toms and I send it freo, by mail to all who write,
In packages sulllclently large to givo instant re
lict and demonstrate tho marvelous curatlvo
power of tho remedy.
Write today to lr. Derk P. Yonkcrmnn 2910
Shakcspearo 33ldg., Kalamazoo, Mich. Send no
money, simply your name and address and re
ceive by return mail absolutely freo this wonder
ful discovery that will givo you instant relief
and do you more good than all- the other medi
cines or changed of climate.
The Ireland of America
British Honduras is sometimes
called the Ireland of America. Blessed
with a soil of unsurpassed fertility, a
mild and equable climate and a variety
of natural productions but rarely
found within so restricted an area,
the colony is yet afflicted with hard
times. Although one of the most
tl.inly populated of the habitable re
gions of the globe, the number of its
inhabitants is constantly decreasing;
the labor market is overstocked, agri
cultural industries are declining, trade
and commerce. languish and the pinch
of depression is felt by all classes.
The reason for, this state of affairs
is not hard to discover. It is the
same curse that has crushed Ireland,
absentee landlordism, in a little dif
ferent but no less fatal form. The
aiea of the colony Is only 7,26G. square
miles. Of this, 2,500 square mles, or
one-third, is owned by one London
J land company. In all more than four-
fifths of the colony is the property of
a -handful of English proprietors who
will not sell nor lease nor permit set
tlement or cultivation. They derivo
a sure, steady and' perpetual income
by working the mahogany, rosewood,
cedar, logwood and other natural
products of the forests, and for this
reason desire, to keep their .domains
forever a wilderness.
An effort has been, made to compel
these absentee landlords to sell their
holdings at an appraised valuation.
However, so overshadowing is their
influence that the laws passed for
this purpose have proved inoperative.
It, therefore, seems probable that the
country will long continue to be held
in pawn by a few English proprietors
vho have never even visited its shores
and that its wealth will be sent
abroad to enrich the coffers of stran
gers, instead of remaining to stim
ulate trade and industry at home.
Brooklyn Eagle.
I I Mil ! Ill II I '
'T8 A Sturdy Hefo,
The Roosevelts, the Roots, the Cor
bins and the Woods'es wore glad to get
rid of this sturdy hero of many bat
tles. His presence nmong them was a
constant rebuke to their unhallowed
ambitions and their vainglorious
coasting. -Johnstown (Pa.) Democrat.
AN OLD AND WELL TRIED KEMEDY.
Mrs. WrNstow'a Koo-rnrNO Syrot for cWldrc
toothing should alwaja bo used for children w
toothing. N it Boftons tho Bums, allays all P "V c
wlnri-rolln and a' tlin Lost rnmndT for Ulu-
jrwenty.flve cento a'toUlo. It la tbo best
r
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