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The Commoner.
10
VOLUME 3, NUMBER 21.
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The Poor Klngi.
This king life's not so jolly, I'd re
mark 'twixt you and me,
With all its clianco of being stabbed
or blown to kingdom come.
It's not the easy-going life that it's
cracked up to be,
But rather one that's bound to keep
a fellow guessing some.
Now there was Alexander with a job
of being Icing,
"Who ruled a dinkey country for a
short and stormy spell
Once I thought I'd trade -with Alex,
but I'vo changed my mind, b'jing,
For Alex is a dead one, but I'm still
alive and well.
.There was Nicholas, czar of Russia,
ho had wealth and power untold,
And could summon round him ar
mies that were thick as swarms
of bees;
He could feast his optics daUy on his
tons and tons of gold,
And I- thought, "Well, Nick, you're
lucky and can do Just as you
please."
,Yes, I rather envied Nicholas' as a
man on Easy Street,
But since then some things have
happened which I need not stop
to toll,
Convincing me I'm lucky and that
I've got Nicholas beat,
For Nick is now a dead one, but I'm
still alive and well.
It Is said that quite uneasy lie the
heads that crowns adorn,
And it seems correctly stated, for
they surely earn their pay
. Dodging bombs and dirks and dag-
, gors from the timo they wake at
morn,
And always acting happy like their
hearts were light and gay.
Ami I wouldn't trade my station for
the biggest throne they've got,
Though I'm but an humble toiler
and within a cottage dwell.
I'm content to keep on working and I
don't kick on my lot,
For kings drop off too sudden, whila
I'm feeling fairly well.
who was doing the honors, "I thought
as you do up until a few weeks ago.
Now I'm prepared to prove that the
hollows are what menace our city's
future."
The Right Sort.
"At any rate," mused the young
graduate, smoothing his bulging brow,
"if the world had been just what 1
thought it was when I received my di
ploma, I could have performed a great
mission."
With a dazed look the graduate
viewed the busy scene about him.
"Ah, me," he muttered, "as the
world is different I'll have to revise
my plans."
So saying he spat upon his hands
and tackled it.
Obaerrationf,
The number of hypocrites In the
churches is vastly smaller than the
number of hypocrites outside of the
churches.
The man who is always giving ad
vice never has any time to follow it.
If a young man does not reach for
his mustache when a young lady en
ters the room it is a sign that he has
no mustache.
The man who is always rattling
small change in his pockets seldom
has any big bills to count in his in
side pocket.
A pocket full of money does not al
ways mean a head full of sense.
Proof.
"Is Billson a 'good poet?"
"You bet he is. He never backs a
frlend-up in a corner and insists upon
reciting a few yards of rhyme to
hira."
A Perplexing Situation.
The office-seeker hesitated.
"Unless I bust the trusts tlie people
will repudiate me," he muttered.
"And if I do bust 'em where will my
campaign fund come from?"
Truly it was a perplexing problem,
and no wonder the office-seeker hesi
tated. Finally a great light dawned upon
him.
"Aha, I have it!" he exclaimed.
"Distract "the attention 'of the people
by talking about 'deeds, not words
and flourishing, a big stick."
Seeing no other course to pursue the
office-seeker did not hesitate.
man a franchise to operate an ele
vator in my building."
"But why not- put in your own ele
vator?" "I am opposed to that sort of thing,
gentlemen. I will give away the fran
chise for the elevator and the cor
poration that secures it may tax my
tenants all the traffic will bear."
Then the men seeking office rooms
gave the property owner the merry
ha ha and left him.
Finally the man's friends took him
in charge and brought him before the
lunatico inquirendo.
"What's the matter with him?"
queried the commission.
Upon hearing the story the commis
sion decided unanimously that the
man was crazy and he was sent to the
insane hospital.
But will some one please explain
the difference between running a car
up and down within a building and
running a car along the Btreets be
tween buildings?
A Bunch ef Limericks.
There was a young man in St Croix
Who thought himself quite a gay boix,
But if truth must be told
" His pretense so bold.
Only served honest folk to annoix.
There was a young man in Scoharie
Who thought it was liigh time to
marie,
But the maidens he sought
Were not to be cought;
They only laughed loud and said
"Narie."
There was a young man in Champaign
Who tried to get on a swift tralgri.
When he brushed off his clothes
And wiped blood from his nothes,
He said, "I'll not do it agaign."
It is
mend.-
Brain Leaks
easier to save than it is to
There are no oil
tions in heaven.
endowed institu-
Warned.
, Uncle Joslah.
m "J have noticed," remarked Uncle
A Josh, seating himself on the cracker
1 box and reaching for a handful of
prun(js, "that the feller that is alius
'.lugging a big club or a revolver
around with him is mighty apt to fer-
git low t' speak without growlin."
Sudden Shock.
- 'Toor man! And what brought him
- to this sad plight?"
"It was this way," replied the at-
tenflant at the lunatic asylum; "the
. poor man's wife sent him to the store
jto match a piece of dress goods."
"Well, what of it?"
"He matched it at the first store the
first time trying. The shock was too
great."
The Sherlock Holmes of the finny
tribe reported at headquarters:
"Beware," said he, "of a largo, port
ly man, bearing marks of contact with
New Jersey mosquitoes."
"Have you no further description
by which he may hi identified?" quer
ied the chairman of the committee on
public safety.
"Yes. He will carry his tackle in
one hand and a bunch of ponderous
platitudes in the other."
Suddenly recalling a similar epi
sode the chairman uttered a loud
shriek and plunged into the atmosphere.
If we never had trouble we could
not appreciate our blessings.
Satan moves up to make more room
when a church congregation begins to
quarrel.
The man who waits for something
to turn up generally discovers that it
is his toes.
A whole lot of men who claim to be
selfmade unwittingly pay a compli
ment to their wives.
It is better to help carry your neigh
bor's load than to walk at his side
and join with him in groaning.
Worrying about trouble that may
come is too much like taking nasty
medicine to cure a disease we expect
to catch.
Some people make the mistake of
praying for what they want instead of
for what they need, and then wonder
why their prayers are not answered.
Christ walked and talked daily for
three years and never took a vaca
tion, yet some ministers must have
three months off in every twelve or
complain of collapse.
ministration would result in a chanea
of prosperous conditions.
The present good times flow from
natural, not political, conditions. Tho
country would prosper with a demo
cratic president as well as with a re
publican president The only change
likely to ensue is that with a govern
ment democratic in every branch tho
prosperity would be more widely dif
fused. Dfngleyism and the trusts prove a
bonanza for a favored class, but tho
many do not share in equal proportion
the prosperity of the times.
"Hands" Off" will be echoed with
hearty indorsement by every favored
interest of legislation. It appeals to
those who have a good thing under
the present system, who profit by leg
islation enacted in their behalf or en
joy monopoly by reason of successful
defiance of the lawa.
"Hands Off," however, is- not a
sound policy for those who are op
pressed by the exactions of an onerous
tariff or who are the victims of tho
extortions of monopoly.
"Hands Off" will shout the Standard
Oil company, the beef trust and every
other combination profiting by the de
fects of restraining laws and the
wealeness of officers appointed to en
force the laws. These interests preach
to the people to "Hands Off," which
advice, if followed, is immediately
succeeded by the command, "Hands
Up."
The slogan of Senator Hanna is in
genious, hut in view of the republican
record from the fostering of monop
olies to the postal scandals it will
hardly create enthusiasm among the
great mass of the people who at last
"pay the freight" Birmingham
News. -
Some comment has been occasioned
by the recognition of the new king
and government of Servia by the Ger
man emperor. On June 26 Emperor
William sent to King Peter a tele
gram couched in cordial terms; and
on the same day the Austrian minis
ter resumed official relations with tho
Servian government.
BIT BIMC
If It "hud Been a Bear
Utilitarian.
Gasping for breath the visitor in
Kansas City paused to wipe the per
. eplration from his brow.
.- "These hills are something awful,1'
he exclaimod.
"My friend," replied the resident
A Little Political Fable.
Once upon a time a man invested
$350,00(1 in huilding a fifteen-story
office building in a large city. He
fitted up his office rooms in nice stylo
anu tnen went out to securo tenants.
"Where is your elevator?" queried
the men who came to inspect the
rooms.
"I have no elevator," replied tho
owner.
"But do you expect us to pay you a
fair rent for your rooms and then
climb these ladders to get to them?"
"Well, I thought you might do it
for a while. Later I will give some
Hands off!
Hanna's slogan
Mark Hanna's slogan of "Hands
Off" is but a twist given to hia shlh-
boleth of last year, "Stand Pat," and
tho one of the year bef ore, "Let Well
Enough Alone."
For some time it has been tho policy
of the republican loaders to Inculcate
the doctrine of self-complacency. The
era of prosperity the country is en
joying gives tho republicans an op
portunity of which they are not slow
to take advantage. Nothing could be
more llloglcalfthowover, than the sug
gestion that a; change of political ad-
Sometimes it is good to be in a posi
tion where you can turn around to
your-shelves and take down food that
is a -rebuilder and life saver. A prom
inent grocer of Murrysvllle, Pa., "had
heard so many of his customers prais
ing the food Grape-Nuts that he final-
ly gave It a trial himself. He says:!
"For several years up to 16 months
ago I was hardly fit for- business from
indigestion which also affected my
bead. My brain was dull and I could
hardly") keep my books.
"One day I heard one of my cus
tomers praising the food Grape-Nuts
so highly that I wonaered if it would
fit my case, so I took a package from
the shelf and said that I would use it
and even if it failed I would not be
much the loser.
"But before I had finished that ono
package such a change camo over me
that I thought it wonderful and by
the timo throo Tin pirn jrpa Tinrl TiP.en
eaten I had changed so you would not
believe it if I told you about it My
head grew clear and my mind strong
and my memory was very much im
proved and I was well in every respect
I can only give you a faint Idea of all.
the good the food has done me. It is
all I eat for supper nowadays and tho
rest of my family think as much of
it as I do, Truly it is a great food
and if it wore not a great food it
would not have done xae so much good
and have such a tremendous sale in
my store." Name given by Postum
Co., Battle Creek, Mich.
Send for particulars by mail of ex
tension of time on tho $7,600.00 'cook
contest for 735 money prizes. "
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