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The Commoner.
tVOLUMB 3Z NUMBER 8.
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The Qrccnback Bacilli.
pf bacilli In the greenbacks all the
doctors ralso a fuss,
Telling of tho many dangers that arc
now confronting us;
-'And thoy warn us, grave and solemn,
in their acadomlc terms,
Not to handlo filthy greenbacks with
their myriads of germs.
.Typhoid fever, chills and bunions,
lockjaw, leprosy and grip,
Through tho fibres of tho greenbacks
everlastingly do skip;
But they cannot scare your truly,
from all danger I am freo,
For the gay greenback bacilli well,
they
can't
catcli
mo.
'Smallpox caught me in its clutches
moro than two decades ago;
Mumps and whoopingcough and meas
les each has given mo a blow.
I'vo boon caught and jammed promis
cuous in an awful railroad wreck;
In tho fostivo gamo of football boys
have walked upon my neck;
With diphthoria I'vo wrestled, by dys
popsia boon wracked,
And a mulo in old Missouri with one
kick a few ribs cracked.
But I'm immune from this danger
that tho doctors bid mo flee,
For tho gay greenback bacilli woll,
thoy
can't
catch
me.
If on proving thoir contention these
bacilli sharps are bent
I am willing that upon me thoy shall
mako oxperimont;
And I will agree to handlo all tho
greenbacks In tho land,
And I'll fondlo 'em and spend 'em in
a way to beat tho band.
Torn and greasy, worn and dirty
largo denominations, please
And I'll run tho risk of giving each
bacillus a tight squeeze.
I'm a doubter, came from Doubtville,
and I'd Toally like to see
Any old greenback bacilli that can
o'er
catcli
A- me.
Stygian Humor.
.'Ah, thoro," remarked Shakespeare,
slapping Homor on tho back. "I see
that you are not founding any librar
ies now."
"Perhaps not," retorted Homor,
jotting down tho name of another
nowly discovered birthplace, "I'm too
busy laying in my winter's supply of
meat."
"Your winter's supply of meat?"
"Yep, come over and I'll give you a
piece of Bacon," chortled Homer.
And when Shakospearo complained
to Boccaclo ho received a second doso
ui iuu oiygiau ua-na.
No Sale.
The agent walked into tho editorial
sanction and without loss of time be
gan: "My dear sir, I have here the great
est invention of tho age. It is the
most wonderful time saver over de
vised by a busy man for busy mon,
and it is recommended by poets, ora
tors, statesmen, bookkeepers, mer
chants, lawyers and physicians. It is
warranted to save three minutes out
of every working hour, which is thir
ty minutes for each -working day of
ten hours, fourteen hours a month.
onq hundred sixty-eight hours a year
or sixteen and 'eight-tenths days a
period of time in which any man who
uses it might hit upon a scheme that
would make him a fortune. This great
time-saver is tho Clogup Fountain
Pen, and the price is"
"Wouldn't have it' growled the
editor as ho proceeded with the writ
ing of tho next day's leader. "Wouldn't
have it. Tho only vacations I've had
in thirty years is when I quit writing
with this old stub pen long enough to
stick It in the ink bottle and get it
back to the paper again."
Senator Grnbnll.
"Of course you never allow your
vote to be influenced," - we remarked
to Senator Graball.
"Sir," replied tho senator,. "I never
voto without due consideration."
Not being a casuist we were com
pelled to believe that tho senator was
all right. This, however, may dis
close undue neglect of our early education.
Detected.
Hasbin Innitt "I'm in doubt wheth
er Touter is a millionaire or on his
uppers."
Wazknott Everin "What's the mat
ter with him?"
Hasbin Innitt "I detected the odor
of gasoline as ho passed me just now
and I don't know whether it's auto
mobile or cleaning his clothes."
Fled From Danger
"I wasn't always dls way, mum,"
said Hitte D'Rhodes.
"Then you have seen better days,
have you?" asked Mrs. Nuwedde.
"I has indeed, mum. A few years
ago I had stacks o' greenbacks, but
bacilly wuz diskivered in 'em an' do
health officers quarantined de whole
lot."
March.
The days are longer growing,
The sun is getting high;
The winds are softer blowinc.
There's moro blue in the sky.
1 Tho happy time is coming
Which poets long have sung;
The bees will soon be humming,
For spring's been sprung.
Easily Cured.
Biggs "Heard about Ezythingee's
sudden recovery?"
Wiggs "No. What cured him?"
Biggs "After suffering all the
symptoms ho read about he suddenly
discovered that he had been reading
a 1901 almanac."
Remained Tlialre.
There was a young man in Eau Clairo,
Who put some quince juico on his
haire.
The excuse that he made
Was that it then lade
Just as ho had plastered it thaire.
An Economical State.
There was a young man in 0.
Who drank neither root beer nor R.
On economy bent
He spent not a cent,
But carefully laid money B.
Mlctnt-.n
The salesman for the improved telo-
foiuim tsuuuuer waiKea into the office
of the president of the Cinchemall
Oil Trust
"Sir, noting the numerous telegraph
wires entering your office building I
thought I would call"atid give you an
opportunity to see dur new and im-
Attached to telegraph wires these keys
(enable tho operator to double, his
speed and" .
"Young man," said the president of
tho Cinchemall Oil Trus.t, "what are
you talking about?"
"I'm talking about 'attaching my
new telegraph key and sounder to your
wires and I guarantee "
"What wires?" " ' .
"Why, those telegraph wires enter
ing your building."
"Young man, those- are not tele
graph wires. We use them only to
pull. See? In this way we avoid
publicity and accomplish better re
sults. Good day."
What He Hade.
"I made a cool quarter of a million
out of that Venezuelan deal," remarked
tho German eagle. "What did you
make out of it?"
"Well, all I made out of it," re
plied the British lion, "was a bloom
in' long-eared, hornless unicorn of myself."
Brain Leaks.
A lot of men spend so much time
lazily gazing out of the back window
that they wouldn't hear it if Oppor
tunity knocked at the front door.
If a man would make as much gar
den in April and May as he does in
his mind during February and March,
the vegetable market would go to
pieces.
When a country woman moves to
the city' she cannot understand why
her nearest neighbor does not hasten
to come over the back, way with a
dust-cloth over her head.
Tho Foolkiller and the Taxpayer
Bolton Hall, the single-tax apostle,
has just given to the public, in a little
book called 'The Game of Life,' a
sheaf of fables that satirize modern
customs and laws, and at the same
time are intended to show how much
better off we all would be under the
reforms which Mr. Hall advocates.
Among other things that rouse his in
dignation and irony is the spectacle of
unemployed workmen and idle land
existing concurrently, with no effort by
society to bring the two together. Mr.
Hall satirizes this state of affairs thus:
"What's that?" asked the Fool
killer. "That's an unemployed man in a
vacant lot," said I.
"Why don't you have him work on
tho lot and produce something?" asked
tho Fool-killer.
"Because," I said, "'we suffer from
over-production already; and, besides,
the owner of the lot won't let him
work on it"
"I must get my club," said the
Fool-killer.
"Hold on!" I said. "Pretty soon we
will arrest the man, because ho does
not do anything; then the judge will
fine him, because ho has no money
and we will keop him idle in jail be
cause he was idle out of jail; and tho
workers will tax themselves to pay for
all that" iuyior
The Fool-killer gasped, "I must get
a Gatling gun." i
"Don't go off half-cocked," I said
"Those are our laws;"
"Who made those fool laws9"
'Everybody, civilized men," said I.
The men that pay the taxes t
asked the Fool-killer.
"Why, yes."
"I must swear in some deputies '
said tho Fool-killerr Bi'll"es,
"Stop," I said;- "no 6ne sneak m
that about the laws; they a?ehe Ac
cumulated wisdom of the ages ami
must be treated with respect "
"Why don't some 'one tell the trntii
and say tho law are stupid an i
"We kill such, fools -as Speac the
truth about such things;" said I.
"Como," said the Fool-killer, "I will
go and poison the water supply."
On the way the Fool-kilTer asked
again: ,
"What are those places?"
"That is a tobacconist's," I said,
"and the other is a gin-mill. . You see
wo poison our own drinking supply
oh, the next is a drug store, and be
yond is a hospital " . .
"I will go home," said the Fool
killer. "These fools are- doing my
work." Literary Digest.
By What Right?
Republican imperialistic, war-yearning,
blood-thirsting and territorial
grabbing newspapers ' yesterday dis
played pictures of Abraham Lincoln
and extolled the virtues of that great
and good statesman. But by what
right? They do not now stand for
what Lincoln stood for. They pro
claim principles which Lincoln utterly
despised and which he most scathing
ly and eloquently denounced, not once,
but many times. He believed in free
dom; his republican extolers now be
lieve in slavery, in harems, in subject
ing unwilling people to political ser
vitude. He said that no man was good
enough to govern another man with
out that man's consent He said that
under a just God a government which
sought to govern people without their
consent would perish from the earth.
It was his unflinching devotion to this
principle that won him the love and
affection of justice-loving people ev
erywhere. His party then sustained
him in this principle. That was only
a few years ago. Now there is a
change. The republican party has
drifted far away from the ideals of
the martyred president It believes
that it is good enough to govern oth
er people without their consent, and
it is engaged in imperialistic schemes
that threaten the very foundation of
the republic which Lincoln so much
loved. Yet the republican press and
the republican orators have the amaz
ing gall to profess reverence for tho
man whose life record they blaspheme.
If Lincoln could today rise from the
tomb and behold the fawning hypo
crites in their show of devotion he
would spurn their hollow pretenses
and say, "Go, you traitors to justice!)
You, insult me and my good name."
Johnstown (Pa.) Democrat
Can He?
President Roosevelt has headed offi
effective anti-trust legislation for the
present, but will he be able to stem
the anti-trust wave which is sweeping
over the country? Can he undo the
work that he has done? Can he blot
out from the memory of the people
the "incendiary" utterances he has
made? Can he continue to pose as a
trust-buster" before the public and
use the influence of his office to pre
vent tho enactment of "radical" anti
trust measures? Can he ride two
horses going in opposite directions?
There s the rub. Milwaukee Daily
News.
Stop!
If you have reached a state of head
acho, backache, dizziness,' inability to
sleep loss of appetite and feel j?en'orally
run down, it is time to call a halt. Your
nerves are affectod and must be fod,
nourished and strengthened,
Dp. Miles'
Nervine
to ronf'S?8 0.nA5
gffv'Ml-fiS . Swritoo. Write
tinrTfn. mu uo on e. nerves, men
tioning The, Commoner' Dr.' Milss Mfid-
' " ,vwu -Misuari;, ma. -
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