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The Commoner.
10
Vol. a, Nov3a.
WHETHER COnnON OR NOT.
In Jlemorlam.
Put away tho knickerbockers
That our Whitolaw was to wear;
Ho will need thom on earth never,
Edward now his crown doth wear.
Whitolaw missed the coronation,
And It filled his soul with woo
That his padded underpinning
Ho had nary chance to show.
Put away tho cut short breeches
Whitolaw hoxfed to wear when Ed
Placed tho Jowolled crown of Britain
On his somewhat fovored head.
Whitolaw banlced on wearing knlckies,
And his tin sword was his pride;
But alas! wj. j Ed was crown-ed
Reid was on tho other side.
Put away tho little panties, (
Sow the mothballs o'er them thick;
For tho sight is calculated
To make Anglo-maniacs sick.
Bathe poor Whitelaw's head in cam
phor; All his hopos have gone to wreck,
For when Ed was coronated
WhitelawJ couldn't rubberneck.
"How many of you Follows took time
to attend tho Primaries?"
Tho People gazed into ono another's
faces for a moment and then sneaked
off homo.
Every Mother's Son of them had
be'en too busy to attend tho primaries
in question.
Moral: Tho Corporations make poli
tics a business and always attend,
strictly to business.
A Little Fablt.
WHICH CONCERNS THE CLASS
THAT' IS ALWAYS READY TO
HOLLER, BUT SLOW AT DOING
ANYTHING ELSE.
Onco there was a People who real
ized at last that they had been Getting
It In the Neck. This fact was im
pressed upon their Minds by a long
train of Circumstances, chief among
which was that they were Compelled
to yield up about all they had to cer
tain Corporations.
"We must arouse ourselves!" ex-,
claimed the People.
"What shall we do to get Justice?"
queried one.
"We must organize," replied ono.
"We must overthrow tho ring" said
one.
Thus various schemes were pro
posed. At last it was decided that the only
way to secure Relief was to enact a
few stringent laws and elect officers
to enforce them.
Having thus decided upon a date for
tho Primaries the People "went homo.
Thq morning after tho Primaries the
People awoke and rushed out to get
their morning papers. T$5oy were al
most Prostrated when they discovered
that tho Corporations had nominated
"Willing Tools for all the offices.
Then began loud Walllngs and
Gnashing of Tech.
"Ala3, we are again undone!" It
seems that we are cinched proper by
these Corporations, and that "wo can
never got Loose! Woe, woe be unto
us."
As they thus Spake the People gath
ered upon tho street corners and wept
until tho street sprinklers took a va
cation.
"Why weepest thou?" queried a
stranger in their midst.
. "Wo struggled to break the yoke of
oppression," replied one of the People,
"but, alas, tho yokemastera cinched us
again and nominated all the candi
dates." "Because yoirr yokemastera are la
the majprlty, I presume," said the
Btrangor.
"Alas, so it seems."
"Rats!" ejaculated the stranger.
Modern Definitions.
Alorger Synonym for business
crookedness.
Shackles Political bluffs.
Injunction A club for the worker
and a cushion for tho idler.
Revision Synonym for justice. Ob
solete. Strenuous Gammon.
Philanthropy Robbing a x man's
pocket to buy food for his mouth.
Society See Simian.
Simian Seo Society.
Tariff Licensed stealing.
Balance of trade Cheap fiction for.
the unthinking.
Bonds Chips used in Wall street
gambling games.1
Reorganization -7 A mercenary
scheme.
Destiny An excuse for loot.
Duty Somebody to be done.
Such Spelling:.
A frnllnonma malilan no-morl flnann
Attempted to set an old huehn. .
The huenn pecked her face
In many a place,
And Guenn has been missing since
thuenn.
His DcccrlptioB.
"What kind of a fellow is Bagley?"
"Well, Bagley is what I would call
an autophilanthropist." .
"What's that?"
"Ho expends most of his philan
thropy on himself."
Wanted.
One plows the seas and tho other
sows tLo peas.
What's tho conundrum?
was a 'narrow escape. What If they
had asked mo if I had, given myself
to the corporations?"
All of which again shows us that
our language was invented for the
purpose of affording us a means
whereby wo might conceal our
thoughts. 1
Brain Leaks.
All days are Sundays with the real
Christian.
Tho greater the heart tho less room
for- malice. ' . .
Debt is tho bait trouble uses t6
catch suckers.
Only our neighbor's children are tho
worst in the community.
Politics Is dirty business only when
clean men refuse to take part
Never put off until tomorrow what
should have been done yesterday.
Men who plungo headlong into trou
ble usually attribute it to destiny.
The tongue of slander works on a
pivot and is run by vacuum pressure.
The man who is not interested :n
politics Is not interested In good gov
ernment. -
There are only two good days on
which to worry yesterday and to
morrow. The man who gets there is the ,man
who has to be told wheu quitting
time comes.
The man who quits a good work be
cause his motives are questioned never
gets very far.
Some people offer up their prayers
just like they order a bill of goods
from the store.
No man is poor if he is blest with
the sight of a baby's face at the win
dow when a day's work is done.
You can always tell what a man
really is by the way his children act
when they see him coming home.
When you have to go to work at
7 a. m. it's for wages; when you can
go to work at- 9 p. m. you get a
salary.
Some men think they suffer, from
dyspepsia when the truth is that they
are suffering from an ingrowing dis
position. Will M. Maupin.
Plausible.
The committee of Indignant Citi
zens filed slowly into the headquarters
of Senator Graball.
"What can I do for you, gentle
men?" asked the senator, ringing tho
boll and giving Instructions to tho
waitor.
"Wo have called to make a few in
quiries,' replied the spokesman.
"Gentlemen, I am at your service,"
said tho senator, making a courtly
bow.
"Senator, we have heard from good
authority that you have- sold your
self to the corporations."
"Gentlemen, I affirm upon my word
of honor that I have not sold myself
to the corporations. I acorn to sell
myself. I am innocent of this charge."
Not having the proof the committee
withdrew in good order.
"Gee!" exclaimed the senator, win
ing the sweat from his brow. "That
Items of Interest.
Rents are falling in Buenos Ayres.
The latest cure for drunkenness is
laughter.
There are In the United States 2,
631,333 more men than women.
One thousand five hundred and thir
teen novels were published last year in
England.
If you take tho salt out of sea "water
you deprive It of one-thirtieth of its
weight,
The fisherman catches the terrapin
with a pair of tongs on the eastern
shore of Maryland.
Rain heavily charged with hydro
chloric acid fell last year in Naples
and the neighborhood of Vesuvius.
The specimen of tho Japanese hen
in the Museum of Natural History,
Now York, has a tall 12 feet long.
Experiments are beinir made to the
J end that the tedious washing of photo-
THE FIRST STEP
Of the child is an event in the mother's
life. How proud she feels when the
attempt to walk is begun so early as to
evidence childish courage and sturdy
strength. Such pride should be enjoyed
by every .mother. But it often happens
wax tue cuiiQ is nmia,
weak and deficient in
vitality, and clings (to the
mother's arms with no
desire to walk or play.
Mothers should learn
that to have strong chil
dren they must them
selves be strong for the
the gift of the
jp
. m. jew m m
&J$t&W 1
cm
gift
mother.
The use of Dr.
Pierce's Favorite
Prescription by
expectant mothers
gives them health
and strength to
give their chil
dren. It nour
ishes the nerves,
strengthens the body and gives great
muscular strength and elasticity, so that
the baby's advent is practically painless.
I have been using Dr. Pierce's Favorite Pre
scription, and can say it is just what you adver
tise it to be, and can cheerfully recommend it,
writes Mrs. Victor J. Hadiu, of I,eonardville.
xiucy v.u., jvunsas. "x ucgau iHKjug,n jusi IW9
momns ociore uaDy came ana was greatly bene
fited by its use. The doctor who attended m
said I did about as well as anv one he had seen
any 1
(as X was sick only about three hours), aud also
that vour ' Favorite Prescription ' was the ona
patent medicine1 which he did have faith in.
We now have a darling baby boy, strotig and
healthy, who weighed niue pounds when born
yuiy sstnj. During tnis montn ne lias gained
three and one-half pounds.
"Favorite Prescription" makes weak
women strongsick women well. Accept
no substitute for, the medicine which
works wonders for weak women.
The People's Common Sense Medical
Adviser, abook containing 1008 pages, i9
given away. Send 2J one-cent stamps
for expense of mailing only, for the book
in paper coverSj'or 31 stamps for the
volume bound in cloth. Address Dr.
R. V. Pierce Buffalo, N Y.
graphic plates may be unnecessary.
United Stated Consul Daniel S. Kid
der reports that there is a good field
for the automobile trade in Algiers.
The cost of running New York city
is $31.62 per capita of population. The
average of 13 other cities is $16 per
capita.
It is 101 years since tho first road
tramway the Surrey iron . railway
from Wandsworth to Croydon was
completed.
Accident due to the increasing use of
wire fences have done .much to cause
a decline in the popularity of fox
hunting in England.
An estimate is made that the rail
roads of the country this year will
expend $400,000,000 in betterments,
cutoffs, rolling stock, etc.
Obsolete stamps and postcards to
the value of $11,000,000 have just been
destroyed in Berlin by order of the
German postal authorities.
Every church in Washington, Ind.,
has been provided-with telephonic con
nections, and people are able to listen
to sermons while at home.
A Berlin magisterial decision has
just been pronounced to the effect that
troops on. the march must give way to
the fire brigade proceeding to a fire.
After eating every green thing in the
neighborhood swarms of locusts have
taken complete possession of all tho
houses in two Algerian villages,
A French scientist has concluded
that oxidized metals are finally trans
formed again into ore, anil will ulti
mately collect under ground for future
miners to dig up.
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