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The Commoner
ID
Vol. 2, No. 9.
WHETHER COnnON OR NOT.
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YES WHEN.
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Strange doings there'll be in the sweet by and by.,,
Wlien Philander biffis up a trust.
Tho east will be West and the wet will be dry
When Philander busts up a (nut. ,
" Th6 pigs will bo flyiqg on wings of puro white,
Tho aun will bo shining through hours of tho -night,
And machine politicians will strivo .to do right -1
When Philander busts up a trust.
El-e-pbants will grow smaller than little black fleas
When Philander busts up a trust.
Tho moon will thon furnish all men with greon choeae
When Philander busts up a (rust.
The trees will grow backwards with roots to tho sky,
Old ocoan'a wido bottom will stand high and dry, "
The falso will be true and tho truth bo a lio,
When PJiilander busts up a trust.
The waters of ocean will turn into ink , t,1
WJich Philander busts up a trust.
Load bars will float lightly and cork quickly gink.
WheH Philander busts up a trust.
Tho works of tho watch be outside of the case,- "
Tho back, of tho head will grow ovor the face, ,
And tho earth will reverse as it hurries through 'space,,
When Philander busts up a trust. ".. :
Philadolphia'll be ruled by true, honest mon
When Philander busts up a trust.
Tho then will be now and tho now will be then
When Philander busts up a trust.
The wolf will consider tho Iamb's plaintive cries,
Tho truth will bo told by tho Father of Lies.
t , And Hades boiled down to a poultice in size,' -When
Philander busts tip a trust. '
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A Vacation Trip.
"Yea, I just got back from my vaca
tion trip to the mountain resorts. Had
a ieguiar Mont Pelee of a time."
"What kind of a time 'is that?"
"Burned money every time I turned
around."
The Modern Prodigal.
The 'Modern Prodigal was all ready
honor of ray deigning to come homo
again."
But just then tho pater awoke from
his trance, seized the prodigal by the
nape of the neck, slammed him down
the back stairs Into the kitchen and
exclaimed:
"That'll all .right, my son, but ba-(
fore we oat the roast veal we'll have a
little understanding as to who is real-
V to return to the parental mansion. " ..u"ib "s
t Fearful lest he overlook something ho ly bosa thte domicile."
- -A ui i.i , Moral: The orodieals s
again enumerated his belongings.
"Yes, thore's the pepsiri, which I.
Will neod soon after devouring tho
stalled veal. The carving set Is sharp
ened and ready to hand. Tho speech
I have prepared when I meet my father
Is carefully rehearsed. I will now de
part." So saying the Modern Prodigal hast
ened homeward. Not finding tho patar
within tho Modern Prodigal ordered
the servants to open the best room,
re-dust the furniture, drape now cur
tains at the window because tho old
ones did not match his complexion,
and set the table for a seven-courso
dinner, with stalled veal as tho piece
de resistance,
"I really cannot wait longer for the
Guv'nor," remarked the Modern
Prodigal. "I must eat.'?
But just as he approached the dla
ing room the pattfr hove in sight
"Father, I congratulate you on my
return. Step Into the dining room
with me and-1 will glvo you a generous
slice of tho stalled Veal I killed in
too gay.
Tho prodigals should not get
CoBSplCUOUfl.
'There goes Major Somethlngor
other, one of the distinguished mili
tary gentlemen of our country."
'.Tor what Is he distinguished?"
"Let's see; he got a medal for
something or was reprimanded for
something, and I'm blessed if I can
remember which it was."
thoy do it, and don't try to find out,
they'll continue to make their mil
lions," replied Farmer Harrow, who
know.
Which reminds us that where ignor
anco Is bliss tho stock gamblers make
the most of it.
Ih the Mountains.
"What is my bill, landlord?"
"Um-er, let's see; three days at $8
a day. That's $24."
"But I'm not a tourist; I'm a citi
zen of this town."
"0, that's different Your bill Is $6.
That's our regular rate -$2 a day."
The Point of Vlow.
"I don't see how them New York fel
ler can make millions by waterin'
stock," remarked Farmer Plowem. "I
water my stock, but there ain't no mil
lions in it f 'r me."
"Well, as long as you can't see hoV
Those Dear Glrhv.
Maybol "Poor Gholly was dread
fully embarrassed when he proposed
to mo." ,
Kay to "Was he? He was perfect
ly composed and dreadfully In earn
est when he proposed to mo."
"fc
Too Expensive.
' I'd like to live upon Salt Lake
Where briny wavelets play,
But" I must pass it up because
It costs eight plunks a day.
, Usual Result.
"What's thonatter with Binks? He
looks like he had just gone through a
severe spell of sickness?"
"0, Binks has jusf returned from his
annual vacation. He went to get rested
from his work, and now he is taking a
week to got rested from his vacation."
Stop it.
Can a saw buck? St. Joseph News.
You bet! Can a horse fiddle? Chi
cago Tribune.
Certainly. Ever hear a ginger snap?
Topeka Capital.
Yep. Ever see a bed spring? Kan
sas City Journal.
Of course. Can a rail fence? New
York World.
To be sure. . And wouldn't a railroad
tie? How would a, crash suit? Balti
more American.
First rate. But isn't tho weather
vane? Philadelphia Telegraph.
Rather. Was it a banana peel that
made the night fall? Chicago Record
Herald. Don't know. Did daybreak when
night fell?
Drain Leaks. '
Days spent in regretting would Ere
.better spent in renewed effort
' Tho repentant prodigal never insists
on making up the menu card.
The man who "burns money" sooner
or later sits weeping, in the ashes.
There is honor among thieves, ac
cording to the thief's standard of
honor.
Excuses for failure o'ften cause more
mental effort than perfected plans for
success. .,r
Some men who think they are mas
ters of sarcasm ure only experts In
brutality.
It is evident that the woman who
-named them "cosy corners" never had
to -sit in them.
The man who has no regard for the
law is usually the first to fly to the
courts for relief.
Some men spend so much time tell
ing what they are going to do that
they have no time to do it.
WiU M. Maupln.
Republican Rippers.
If the republican legislature, gov
ernor and the Hanna corporations in
Ohio don't look out in their efforts to
c:ush Mayor "Tom" Johnson of Cleve
land, they will make that enterpris
ing individual a great ppwer in the
legislation and politics of , Ohio. They
have just put into operation tho great
est ripper ever known by judicial -.
force, in ordering, the council of Cleve
land out of office and suspending ttfelr
powers. To make matters worse thla
was a reform council and the only
honest one Cleveland has had in years.
Worse than that, it was a determined
supporter of Mayor Johnson in hig,
plans to equalize taxation and reg
ulate the street car lines in the interest
of the people. The legal proceedings
In Cleveland were inspired by the re-"
publican attorney general of the state,
and Mayor Johnson in an open letter
accuses him of being in league with
the corporation power of tho state to:
stifle private competition. Pittsburg'
Post.
I am a Democrat.
With all whose faith in men is smalt,'
I make the issue flat;
Their minds are warped, their hearts
are wrong '
Not in their ranks do I belong, ., .
I am a democrat.
I put unbounded trust in men
And never swerve from that; f
I hold tho doctrine should be taught
That good, in men, is deep inwrought;.
I am a democrat. '"'.'.
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The inwrought good should thrive and
grow
"Repression hinders that.
Don't govern men too much, I say,
But give the better nature play; ..
I am a democrat. "V
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A government grown overstrong-T-
Beware, beware of that!
I call no nartv cood. or creat.
That vests wrong functions in thA
state; .'. -' "s r
I am a democrat. ''' V'
I am for Freedom first and last, '.'I
And all implied by that y;;
Look south; or north, or westj;or eastf-rVi r a
The' happiest land 'is" governed' 'least;!'?
I am a democrat. '
F. P. Williams, in The Philadelphia!
Record. -.
SWEET BREATH
When Coffee Is JLoft Off.
A test was made to find if just they
leaving off of coffee alone would pro
duce an- equal condition of health aa
when coffee is left off and Postum
Food Coffee used in its place. . ' ,
A man frOm Clinton, Wis., made tho
experiment. He says: 'About a year
ago I left off drinking coffee and. tea
and began to use Postum. For sev
eral, years previous my system had,
been in wretched condition. I always
had a thickly furred, bilious tongue'
and foul breath, often accompanied!
with severe headaches. I was trou
bled all the time with chronic consti
pation, so that I was morose in dis- -position
and almost discouraged.
At tne end of the first "week after
making the change from coffee to
Postum I witnessed a marvelous
change in myself. My once coated
tongue cleared off, my appetite in
creased, breath became sweet and the
headaches ceased, entirely. One thing
I wish to state emphatically, you havo
in Postum a virgin remedy for consti
pation, for I certainly had about tho
worst case ever known among mortals
and I am completely cured of it. I
feel in every way like a new person.
During the last summer I concluded'
that I would experiment to see If tho
Postum kept me in good shape or
whether I had gotten well from just
leaving off coffee. So I quit Postum
for quite a time and drank cocoa and'
water. I found out before two weeks
were past that something was wrong
and I began o get costive as of old. .
It was evident the liver was not work
ing properly, so I became convinced
it was hot the avoidance of -coffee1
alone that cured me, but the; great
value came from regular use of Pos-'r
ltiirn." ; "'
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