6
The Commoner.
Vol. a, No. io;
WHETHER COnnON OR NOT.
Mr. Morgan.
You havo formed somo giant rings,
Mr. Morgan,
You'vo formed trusts In many things,
Mr. Morgan.
Banks, and bonds, and ships and stocks
Railroads, tramways, shipyards, docks,
And you clip coupons in blocks,
Mr. Morgan.
SS&'
You havo cornered all but air,
Mr. Morgan.
And I fear you'll squoezo us thoro,
Mr. Morgan.
You'vo got all that runs and floats,
Locomotives, motors, boats
Got consumers by thoir throats,
Mr. Morgan.
From tho men who sweat and toil,
Mr. Morgan,
You oxact your share of spoil,
Mr. Morgan.
Forming trusts you spond your days,
And the occupation pays.
Why? Because wo'ro blooming jays,
Mr. Morgan. .
If wo did that which is right,
Mr. Morgan.
Wo'd knock your graft out of sight,
Mr. Morgan.
Wo'd clip your financial wings,
Smash your giant trusts and rings,
And do other righteous things,
Mr. Morgan.
But you'll still pursue your way,
Mr. Morgan,
Till tho final judgment day,
Mr. Morgan.
Then you'll got a startling shock
When you tread the golden walk
And at Peter's big gate knock,
Mr.' Morgan.. .
n '
Peter will peep through tho gate,
Mr. Morgan.
And pronounce your final fate,
Mr. Morgan.
He will gaze at you a spell,
Then will gontly murmur: "Well,
Take tho stairway down bolow,
Mr. Morgan.
"While on earth you spent your years,
Mr. Morgan,
Wringing wualth from toil and tears,
Mr. Morgan.
All tho stool and coal you got
Is down there, and piping hot,
And you're welcome to the lot,
Mr. Morgan.
"It will be no use to try,
Mr. Morgan.
To crawl through the needle's eye,
Mr. Morgan.
Wealth may rule things down below,
But ono thing I'd have you know,
At this gate your gold don't go,
Mr. Morgan."
trains; It makes a good straightedge,
comes in handy to scale fish, and if I
had to I boliovo I could mako it do
duty as a collar button. As a handy
tool tho hairpin ain't in tho same class
with tho old composing rulo, and don't
you forgot it."
!..
A Woman's Wit.
"What's this?" growled papa, sud
denly entering tho parlor and noting
that tho gas was burning low.
"0, papa," chortled tho daughter.
"Mr. Spoonamoro was just telling mo
how tho . pooplo were getting oven
with tho beef trust by not eating meat,
and I thought it would be only right
to try tho same plan on tho gas trust.'
Fame.
I
"Who is that mild looking old gen
tleman over thoro?"
"0, he's Professor Somebody of
something or other. Believe ho wrote
a book on some scientific subject. We
don't' pay any attention to him."
"And who is that broad-shouldered
follow over there whoso hair grows
down to his eyebrows?"
"That? Say, come right over and
I'll introduce you. He's tho biggest
lion here. That's Percy Batterslelgh,
tho champion ping-pong player of the
resort."
Modern Definitions.
Water tho stuff coroprations are
made of.
Philanthropist A man who gives
away what he can't uso himself.
Financier A man who grabs off to
the limit.
. Captain of industry One who lives
v.. .u x'tvuvo wj. uuuwuui a IIUlHl
subsidy A synonym of steal.
Destiny A good excuse for any
old thing.
Duty What wo want done regard
less of how much it injured others.
Bonevolence Giving them what" we "
want them to have, not what ' they
neea ana desire.
Assimilation Taking all the other
fellow has.
tor send the Blado to my wife's sister
over in Slabtown. She visited hero
a couplo of months last summer and
got acquainted with a lot of people.
She'd like to keep track of them. And
whilo you're about it just send it to
my brothor down in Cohosh. Ho owns
somo property hero and ought to read
about how thing is boomin' here.
That was a splendid write-up you gave
tho church supper. I bet it tickled the
church folks. We thought wo'd die
laughin' at that story you wrote .about
the county convention of tho other
party. You did certainly take the
hide off o' them. I believe your pa
per gets better every week. We're
goin' to have a lot of apples this sum
mer. Come out some time and take
home a couple of barrels. Your edi
torials go right to tho meat of tho
questions at issue and I'm gcttln' a
lot of valuable information out of
them. Say, I'm goin' to kill a beef
next week and if you want it I'll
bring you in a forequarter. We can't
use it all. Come to think of it I had
you send the paper to my boy that's
goin' to college over at Clingville,
and I ain't paid for it. Count up
what it all amounts to for a year.
Three dollars? Say, you won't get
rich chargin' that way. Well, I must
be goin'. Here's a fiver. Just give
mo credit on them subscriptions for
the whole amount. I'll be In next
week with tho beef. Good day."
But just as the good farmer stepped
to the door his foot caught on a splint
er and he fell with such a thud that
the editor woke up.
Brajn Leaks.
The early worm fe'eds the bird.
A mother's knee is the best altar..
Nothing fails like an undeserved suc
cess. The man. who is looking for .trouble
does not need- a . magnifying, glass.
The ferryman at the Styx' charges
tho same faroto all and that's every
thing tho passenger has.
Too .many men praise in a whisper
and condemn through a megaphone.
Wo would never know some men
are Christians if ,thoy did not tell
us.
The prettiest picture the eyes can
feast upon is a baby face framed in a
window. '
We know some musical critics who
will insist on telling Gabriel that he
lacks technique.
Some men are always so busy;
bragging about themselves that they,
never hear opportunity's knock.
Ono of the prettiest sights imagin
able would be that of a mother play
ing the piano while her daughter
washed the dishes. . ,
We can not blame a boy x for not
paying much attention to' the father
who takes a cigar out of his mouth to
offer advice against the use of to
bacco. , . .
"Wisdom is good, with an inherit
ance," says tho Good Book. Which
reminds us of the ever-present patriot
who is always shouting for the old
flag, and an appropriation. :
Baby feet have an affinity for mud,
but there comes a time In the his
tory of nearly every home when tho
parents would give all they possess for
the sight of a tiny footprint in th'e
front hall.
Will M. Maupin.
A New Definition.
From advance sheets of our new
dictionary:
GRATITUDE, n. From the Latin
word gratus," thankful. '-"'
The sensation experienced by'btfe
-Who receives asalmg, juipartjqfthe
goods which tiave been stolen ' from
him. Wilmington Justice.'
Boycotted.
Tired Tom "I'm much obliged f'r
yer kind offer, mum; but I am forced
t' decline dat salad."
Mrs. Nuwod "Why, what's tho
matter with that salad?"
Tired Tom "Do vinegar in it has
boon workln', mum."
The Hairpins. Rival.
"It makes mo tired to read all this
stuff about tho hairpin being such a
wonderful tool," growled tho oldtlmo
printer. "Tho hairpin ain't In It with
the old composing rulo. I've used this
did rulo as a knife, a can opener, a
toothpick, a papercutter, a sorewdrlver,
a chisel, a corkscrew, a manicure sqt,
a nutpick, a wire cutter, an ice pick,
a stovelid lifter and a window fasten
er. I use it to clean, the bowl or my
pipe, have fastened -my suspenders
with it, worked-my way into shows
with it, hocked 'it for-bromo seltzer
used it 'to workmyvway tm-freight'
The Editor.
The editor of tho Podunk Blade sat
in his chair, grinding copy with all
possible rapidity. It was the eve of
press' day, and the printer and devil
I SllOftf 'nffat oVinnf Timet -flllnl -nrlfVi fln-l-
tering notices of Podunk's prosperity,
of Major Blithers' new residence, of
Banker Squeezem's new carriage, of
the approaching graduation exercises.
Faster and faster ho wrote, till his
tired brain became dizzy and his
head droped over
"How aro you. Mr. Editor." said a
I hearty voice. "I'm Tom Slocum, that
lives over uy uie Dig creeK. JUeen tak
ing your paper quite a spell and
thought I'd better drop in and pay
up."
"Glad to see you, sir. How's the
crops over your way?"
"Never bettor. Guess I owe you
for about two years. Here's three
dollars. Give mo credit for it, will
you?"
"With pleasure. I'll just write you
a receipt."
"Never mind the receipt. Say, I'vo
a couple of chickens out there in tho
wagon that my wife sent in to you.
She said she'd bet you'd like 'cm."
"Tnanlc you very much. I
LOTS OF FIVE PLAN A SUCCESS
"Never, mind tho thanks. Tain't
nothing. Just boon down to mill and
had a big grist ground. If you'vo
'got a sack or something to .put it In
I'll give you thirty or forty pounds.
Wo think a -mighty lot of your pa-
per,' aud wo want, to show, it."
V You aro very kind. I .can1 never
thank " : - -
1 -'Well don'ttry.-Say J'gues3-you?d'bet--
Tho Commoner's friends are taking
hold of the "Lots of Five" subscription
cards in a very encouraging way.
Every mail brings additional orders.
They come frqm every part of the
Union, from men of all classes and
ages. Merchants, farmers, lawyers,
traveling salesmen, mechanics, young
and old, are joining hands. in a com
mon effort to assist in the spread of
democratic doctrine.
One order 'came from one of our
newsboy friends, who is selling Com
moners in Arizona.
Another from a gentleman who
writes that ho is 82 years old.
Many have started out to see what
they could do before ordering the
cards, and they have usually met
with better results that they expected.
Mr. a. J. McBrldo of Paterson, N.
J., gives his experience in these
words: "I got these acquantances of
mine to subscribe in about one hour,
in a hurry. I only wish I had plenty
of time to help the good cause along."
Mr. W. F. Jordan, of Beloit, Kans.,
undertook to sell one block of five
and when ho wrote for the cards, had
already taken eleven orders. "I have
had more luck than I exnectnd " nvo
his words.
"I havo been out about two hours
tonight and saw five men who said
thoy would take The Commoner as
soon as I got the Mot of five' cards."
This quotation is from a letter re
ceived from Mr.-F. Winslow Annable.
of Lake Odessa, Mich. Mr. Annable;
has already ordered his second "lot
of five."
Mrk D. T. Cross, of Highland, Wis.,
.writes, f'th'or above hr the result of
about ton minutes' 'Work."'
Mr. J. -J. McGheool Eldorado- Til
Tho Commoner. Hurry, up." .
A busy man is Mr. C. V. Riddle, of
Rodney, la., for he sends in . five
nanies with his remittance and asks
us to fill out the cards for him. - .
The second and third orders have al
ready been received from a number
of those who iave been surprised to
find how readily the cards sell; in
some cases the second "lot o'f five."
has been ordered before the first lot
was received from The Commoner of
fice. A loyal friend in Buffalo, N. Y.,
whose name is withheld, is entitled
to the credit of having sold the largest
number of cards up to this time. Ho
sold twenty-six in just one week from
the time the offer first appeared, and
wrote that he expected to make it
fifty before another week went by.
"Will you not join the ranks? T.n
what way can you better employ a few
hours of your spare time than by aid
ing in widening the influence of a pu
per that seoks to strengthen the cause
of democracy?
Throe dollars invested in Ave sub
scription cards will yield you a profit
Of tWO dollars. If ssnlrl nf Mm cur..-
scription price of $1.00 each. If profit
is not desired you may give your
friends the benefit of the "lots of five."
rate by raising a club of five sub
scribers at sixty cents each. This of
fer is made for a limited time only:
however, there is no limit to the life
of a subscription card. Each card is
gooa for one year's subscription wnen-
fllled oeutlVed ' Ur 0fiiCe' properly.
.PnS?"nmhl ytur orders now. Malro
nhf V ce order ror Bank Draft pay
able "to : . ,: . c ,, . .
v. -THE COMMONER,--i
- -Lincoln; -Neb.
:says "I havo parties' waiting-to--get