6
The Commoner.
Vol. a, No. IS?
WHETHER COfinON OR NOT.
Tlie 190a Plan,
Wo usod to savo tho heathen with tho
words of Holy Writ,
But that has grown old-fashioned,
,honco wo have abandoned It.
Whoro onco our mlsslonaircs with tho
word of pcaco woro sont,
Wo sond tho Bword and rlflo with
honovolont Intent;
Wo waoto no words In teaching, for
wo'vo found a better plan
To Chrlstlanlzo and olovato tho Fili
pino man.
Wo fill him full of wator and wo bal
last him with load
Till there's no longer any doubt he's
pacified and dead.
Wo wasto no tlmo In preaching, for
wo'vo got to bo in hasto,
So burn his little nlpa hut and lay
his gardens waste.
Expericnco has taught us that it's
host to mako appeal
To stomach, not to brains, If wo would
mako tho subject feel
Tho wolght of argument wo uso, so
just to mako it sure
Wo shrivel up his stomach and then
glvo tho water cure.
Wo soak him and wo poko him and wo
stand him on his head
Till thoro's no longer any doubt he's
pacified and dead.
Ho begs us for his freedom, but wo
treat it as a' joke,
And send his humblo littlo homo away
in ilamo and smoke.
Ho bogs and prays for justico, but
honovolont intont,
Such as wo contemplate, must havo
its rog'lar cent por cent.
It's commorco that we're after, just
as much as saving souls,
So wo fit him for salvation filling him
chock full of holes,
And o'er his frame tho mantle of our
wondrous lovo wo spread
Till there's no longer any doubt he's
pacified and dead.
Wo mako his homo a wildorness,
starve women, children, mon,
Or put to death oach male wo find
who's passed tho ago of ton.
It's kill and burn and slaughter, but
wo do it all for lovo
To fit tho Filipino for a heav'nly homo
above.
Wo want, to' save him trouble in this
vale of tears and woe,
So haste to send him over whoro old
Jordan's waters flow.
We scorn tho old, old method; wo uso
shot and steel instead,
Till thoro's no longor any doubt he's
pacified and dead.
gave him a loft hook In tho oye that
closed Sltsflmmons' peeper. Just as
tho gong sounded Sits swatted Jlm
ries in the jugular With a whack that
sounded like plugging a ripo water
melon with an ax. It was glorious.
Tho sawdust fairly rooked with' blood
"Groat Scott, Swipem, how can you
read such stuff. Tho details of a
prizp fight make mo sick. Tho blood,
tho bruises, tho brutality say, what's
that headline? 'Another Battle in
Sanlar?' Let's seo it! Gee, this is
bully! Killed 333 of the traitorous
littlo brown men and burned over a
hundred houses! Ain't that glorious!
Put a Filipino In tho swoatbox and
made him inform on his friends, didn't
they? That's tho stuff! Had to give
him tho wator euro till he bled at the
mouth and ears, hoy! That's tho way
to do it. Didn't stop until wo had
killed tho population of the whole
village! Bully! That's tho way to
do it. Kill "era on sight. This is
glorious news!"
"And you don't Jiko to read about
prize fights?"
"No, Ihoy are .too brutal. I don't
allow my children to read about 'em.
I must get a copy of tho evening paper
and take it home so's I can read tho
account of this glorious victory in
Saraar to tho family. They'll onjoy It."
1 n
Survived.
"Ploaso. mum. will vnr irivn' o nni.
Philippine survivor a bito 0' some
thin' f eat?"
"Of course I will, my good man.
Hero's a sandwich, a piece of pie and
a glass of milk. So you are a Philip
pine survivor, are you?"
"Yes, mum. Last night I was kotched
up by tie cops an doy glvo me do
wator euro. Made me take a bath" but
I survived it."
Horrible.
"I see that Attorney General Knox
has .brought suet against the beef
trust."
"Yes, and that a-grease with my
idea of settling the question."
"Hope his efforts are bqney-fide."
"So, .do, I. T,ho beef triisX lias.ubeen,
working a skin game on us ,long
enough."
"Butchor lifo it has. I"
"But do you think injunction pro
ceedings go to tho marrow of the
question?"
"At any rato it has raised quite a
stow."
"Yes, but the consumers are. still
in tho soup." , -t
"It bohoofs us to organize against
the exactions of tho trust."
"I quite agree with you. But the
trust is so well organized that it will
be an offal struggle."
"I see tho trust is putting up a long
tail of woo. What"
"Yes, it's full of woe in a horn."
"It makes mo tired to seo these
bloated millionaires going round
stoaking monopolies."
"Yes, they deserve to, bo roasted."
"And they ought to be "
But just then a policeman hovo in
sight and sprung tho riot alarm.
Good Enough.
"Hollo, Blnks. My wife and I callod
at your house yesterday evening, but
you woro not at home, Did you go
to pipyor meeting?"
"No. It rained so hard wo couldn't
go to church, so I called a cab and
wo went to tho theatro."
Ths Point of View.
"That was a daisy fight last night."
remarked Swipem, looking up from
his paper and addressing Cashem.
Sltsflmmons led off in tho first and
gave Jeff Jimries an uppercut that
brought tho crimson, but before he
could follow up his advantago Jimries
Exactly.
When brilliant writers wield tho pen
Tho very strongest thoughts they
think
Are never writ; they're uttered when
Thoy stick the pastebrush in the ink.
Philadelphia Press.
When brilliant writers wield the pen
Thoy always have hot thoughts to
waste.
And thoughts are always hottest when
Thoy stick tho pen into tho paste.
Modernized.
"One touch of nature makes the whole
world kin,"
At least that's what Shakespeare
onco did say.
But things are different now, and
thus wo seo
One touch of Morgan makes tho
whole wqrld pay.
progress we've been "making on tho
meat business."
"What's got Into yoiir head' now,
Josh?"
"Well, four years ago wo had em
balmed beef. Now it's beon engrossed
for future reference. Can't touch it,
because it's so high."
Cause for Joy.
Trust in breadstuffs',
Trust in meats;
Trust in pickles,
Trust in sweets.
Trust in clothing,
Trust in soap
But, glory bo,
No trust in hope.
Little Willie.
"Why do you look at me so closely,
Willie," said Mr. Sappington.
"I wuz- just lookin' t' see if you
had scales on you," replied Mary's lit
tle brother.
"Why, what on earth do you mean.
Willie!" exclaimed Mary, looking at
Mr. Sappington with alai-m.
"Why, I. heard you tell Mr. Good
fellow last niffht that Mr. Sannlncrtnn
'was a regular sucker, and suckers has
scales."
His Idea.
The Filipino hid in the tall grass,
but just close enough to witness what
was being done to his fellow Filipino
who had been captured.
When the prisoner had been filled
full of water it was jounced out of
him with tho butt of a half-dozen
muskets.
"That's a new one on me," remarked
the hidden man. "Wonder what it is.
Perhaps it is the American method of
conferring: Christian' r.lviUznrinn
, Shuddering violently the hidden man
oiciwicu vjuutiuusiy away ana aisapr
peared in the jungle.
Brain Leaks.
The real Christian observes seven
Sundays a week.
I Can't Is always living on the
bounty of I Will.
Failure in a bad cause is the first
step towards a good success.
Wo know children who yearn for the
caresses wasted on worthless dogs.
It is better to profit by a mistake
than to waste time in mourning over
"Civilization is only skin deep," re
marked a noted philosopher. It ap
pears, however, that it is only a caso
of sunburn.
Tho self-made man who boasts about
it usually equips himself with a flat
roof.
Ho who gives millions easily is en
titled to less credit than he who gives
pennies by sacrifice, l '
Satan manages to remain in busi
ness by never trusting hit? work f to
subordinates while away on a vaca
tion. '
Tho fact that the bank robber gives
his stealings -to charity does not mak6
him less a thief or more a philan
thropist. " :"'-
Will M. Maupin."
Butcher of Samar
But yesterday who wore the blue . '
Held high his head with honest pride;.
His sword swung gaily at his side ''.
His martial step was manly true: '
Today his head bows to his breast, -His
sword is as a sword of lead;
His airy step has lost its zest
And shame walks by with sullen tread.
He bleeds anew, each honored scar
With red lips cries, and cursing, cries,
"Let me not live unless he dies
That bully, butcher of Samar." 't N
The star-built flag of spotless fame,
The flag that never knew defeat,
Today is trailing in the street ''
And Europe mocks us in our shame. ' '
From Maine to far Manila 'Bay ' '- "
Tho nation bleeds and bows its he'adl'
How tall we stood but yesterday ft !
Sackcloth and ashes now instead; , ''
Sackcloth and ashes, near and far. . .
Lest God shall smite us, hip and thigh.V
Sackcloth and ashes, lest we die r , j."
For that brute,, butcher of Samar .ii
Joaquin Miller'.'
How to Stop It.
Charley Schwab says you might as
well attempt to dam up the waters of
the Mississippi as to stop tho forma
tion, of combinations. Yet Charley
would do some mighty tall yelling if
congress should proceed to adopt free
trade and abolish special privileges.
Johnstown Democrat. f
.
" Kill and Burn."
Senator McKean of New Jersey has
started a war on mosquitoes, it is'
said that he has given orders to kill
and burn all nvr in vnn.B . f
I Houston Post. .
A BUSINESS PROPOSITION.
' Uncle Josh.
"This here meat trust investigation,"
remarked Uncle Josh, closing tho lid
of the choesobox and looking around
for a cracker, "reminds mq of tho
Two dollars profit on a three dollar
investment. Here is an opportunity
to make a nice profit .and at tho same
time place good literature in the hands
of your neighbors and friends. The
Commoner's campaign plan of selling
five cards for $3.00, each card good for
one year's subscription to The Com
moner, is the business proposition re
ferred to above. Tho regular sub
scription price of The Commoner is
$1.00 por year, payable in advance.
Wo are issuing subscription cards in
lots of fiveat $3.00 per lot, which al
lows you a profit of 40 per cent, or
$2.00 on each $3.00 invested in sub
scription cards.
If you believe in the principles ad
vocated by The Commoner; if you
think it is good literature to place in
tho hands of the voters of this coun
try; if you are wiling to assist us in
our efforts to destroy the trusts, Fowl
orism, asset currency, and branch bank
schemes, and the other republican
products, send for five subscription
cards, which we will furnish you for
three dollars. By selling them at the
regular subscription price of one dol
lar each you make a profit of $2.00.
By selling them at 60 cents you get
back what they cost you, and at the
same time you are assisting in the
work that The Commoner was estab
lished to promote. By ordering nvo
of these cards and presenting five of
your acquaintances with a yearly sub
scription to Tho Commoner, you are
mlo?ly P a(ling In tlieir hands good
literature, but you place us in weekly
communication with Ave movTfel
nanfn Wh0m, we can aDPeal to assist
SccompUslI0 WhiCh WG are tl'yin t0
intT? flsubsiption cards for our
d 2f8n0fflve plan" are nw ready for
2SS tat?; ynyou show yur -
ofreflvino 1 1PLT .?? Moo
jS.& s
"2" er' Lincoln, Neb."
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