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Commoner.
7
r Whether Common or Not
ftfii 7 Thinks, awfully, deali
.boy.,. ....
writeraw Leads , (advancing to
, throne) Most gracious majesty, per
mit me to
, ,-Ned the .7 Who's this duffer with
the , pads on his calves ' turned the
wrong way?
tjbey Shote Great Scott, your
majesty! That's the noted. "Writeraw
Leads, the man who foundered the
paper that Greeley founded. He's one
uj.uur auurecutea representatives.
Ned the .7 Aw, pa'jdon me. Glad to
meet you, I'm sure.
- Writeraw 'Leads Thanks, your ma
jesty. I have come on behalf of our
.people to extend to you our heartfelt
sympathy I mean our congratulations'.
We're sorry we treated your royal an
cestor, George the Three, so badly. We
see where we were mistaken, and we
want to make amends.
, Ned the 7 Don't mention it.
Charley Oregon (aside) If some
. body don't hold me I'll start something
right here.
Writeraw Leads But I insist. We'll
even pay for that tea if you say so.
Micks-Heach Good! Wish you
would. We need the money.
Charley Oregon (groaning) 0, don't
. I, wish I was Jioine!
. Writeraw Leads We ain't got no
king in our country that is, only
an emperor. We're doing our best,
. but we've, got; a lot of .old-fashioned
grannies over there who still insist on
that ancient tqmfoolery, about the con
sent of the governed.
. Weneral Gilson Yes;, ain't it silly?
Writeraw Leads-rBut we're .getting
there,, your majesty., There's a lot like
,usUhat, dearly love a. crowned head,
and tattle. ' jetftiBft" '
i . " -. "VKesefal G.IJson-Y.es.va lp fc ,of lus;
Charley, ..Oregon Well- you can
Vicount ms. oufc. p, .that.. ,- . ' .
, Everybody hat!!'
Writeraw '..Leads (hurriedly) Pray
don't pay any. attention to him. He's
only a common sailor. He don't even
know, how to ppur iea, or make a welsh
rarebit.
Everybody Oh!!
Writeraw Leads No; he was only
appointed because it would be a slap
" at a common fellow namdcl' Schley.
Weneral Gilson Yes, antf t was ap
pointed only because
Joey'Shgte (nudging JiimQ Dry up!
You'll give .the snap a'wayl,, .
Ned the 7 All right '.Nb'that the
m representative of the republic that is
so sorry for having wklppeff us a cou
ple pf times are here, le.'us proceed
. with the crowning. I've ben waiting
' . so long my head aches. ' " .
Everybody (Singing.)" "' ,J
. . Bring forth the crown for N.ccj' ,
jle'a waited long, long, long.' 7' ' -Futr
it upon his head. "
I,et it stay long, long. ...';', '
Long live our Neddie Hex
Bow down, you rubbernecks..,
Let him no Boers perplex! '.
I,ong,live the King!
.Likewise the Queen,
' Also the Ace and Jack, -
The Deuce of Hearts, ' "
The Trey of Spades, ' -
And all the rest of the pack.
- Ned the 7 (rising) Thanks, friends.
This is the day for which I've wailed
long. Where's that crown?
Attendants Here it is, your ma
jesty. Shall we put it on for- you? " .
Ned the 7 Yes! Hurry up. I've
.waited what seems about two cen
turies for this.
Attendants start forward to put on
crown, when Jpey Shote jumps for
ward and exclaims:
Wait. Ned, on behalf of a sorrowful
lot of people who repent in sackcloth
and ashes that t,heir forefathers licked
your grea't-grariclfather's soldiers, I
. beg that you will allow us us four
to place 'the crown upon your head.
Ned Thanl-s, awfully." I will be
pleased. " '
Joey Shote (grabbing the crown)
Come, on, boys.
. Wrjteraw Leads Hi, there! Wait
till I calk the hole in me stocking. Mo
padding is running out.
Weneral Gilson Wait for me. ' I'm
a little slow on my feet. :
Charley Oregon Well, ydu needn't
wait for me.
Kitchenhim Aw, you brutal fellah.
I ve got a notion to slap your wrist.
Charley Oregon (squaring off)
Come on. I'll paint the eye that Dowet
missed. Come on.
Kitchenhim (dodging behind a vil
lager) Hold him hold him, some
body. Don't hold me. I can hold
myself.
Great confusion, during which
Writeraw Leads and Joey Shote place
the crown on Ned the 7. Everybody
sings:
Ned has got the crown at last
All his weary waiting past.
It was such a weary wait
Hope he'll keep the crown on straight. "
Ned the 7 Thanks, good subjects.
Including our friends from over the
pond. I'm delighted to bo your king.
I was a two-spot long enough. I'll do
the best I
Messenger rushes in and shouts:
Your royal 'ighness, Paul Kruger i3
over in H'america an' the bally people
are flocking around 'im by the mil
lions. There's a cable dispatch comin'
recallin' the h-envpys.
Ned the 7 Say, Joey, what does all
this mean?
Joey Shote 0, it's only the common
people, your highness,
Writeraw Leads Yes, only the scum,
Rex.
Charley Oregon Yes,, only the com
mon people. And if you know 'em as
well as I do you'll skip out o' this and
scoojt for home on the first boat.
There's something doin' oyer there.
Ned. the? 7r3ut what'll I do for
horses tand mules? ' - ' ', ; .'
Second messenger 'rushes', in, cov
ered, with persi)iratipna'k'nd,!,dust,?And
shouts,: . v - :
Dewet has just captured the Slev-enty-steenth
Highlanders, the Royal
Retreaters and three hundred wagons
full of supplies.
Ned the 7 Help! Retainers, help!
Ned collapses. Villagers file slowly
out Writeraw Leads and Joey Shote
weep, and Charley Oregon grins.
Weneral Gilson looks amazed.
Charley Oregon Ain't that glorious?
I'm going home. Ta-ta, Rex. Excuse
me. if I' Warble as I retired (Sings.)
Father and I went dpwh to camp
Along with Captain Qoodwin, v
And there we faw the men and boys i
As thick as hasty puddin.
Yankee Doodle "keep it up.
Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Mind the music, keep the step
And have a gun quite hand'.
Curtain descends upon Ned the 7
who is wiping his eyes on the court
skirts of Writeraw Leads. Joey Shote
is thumbing the leaves of Joe Miller's
Jest Book in hopes of finding another
original witticism that will fit the
case.
duction of from 20 to 25 per cent of
the duties on sugar imported from
Cuba.
Philadelphia North American: Thcro
is the sting of a lash of scorpions In
Frederic Harrison's New Year's Day
indictment of the British government
for the slaughter of fourteon thousand
non-combatants in the death camps of
South Africa. When ho said "Even
some of the Christian priesthood are
ashamed of this hideous butchery" he
uttered a truth that made many a
smug imperialist wrltho in his very
marrow. "
With the Paragraphero
Atlanta Constitution: Charles .R..
Flint claims it as a hard fact that he
is the daddy of the American breed
of trusts. Funny Avhat things men
will be proud -about!
Salt Lake Tribune: It is a funny
cablegram which says the British
war office is about to supply the sol
diers in South Africa with false teeth.
They find the Boer problem a hard nut
to crack, and whatever broken teeth
have been caused by the attempt will
be hard fo mend; nor will "store teeth"
crack it any better than nature's
growth.
Minneapolis Times: It is astonish
ing how the most rigid protectionist,
when confronted with a problem that
does not take account of preconceived
ideas, abates his pretensions and rec
ognises that the laws of high tariff
are not Infallible. Witness the will
ingness of the senate to make a re-
The Deacon's Diary.
"The year has passed with hardly an
entry Jn my old diary. Business and
the church take all my time."
December 20.1 Heard a heart-breaking
account from Dr. Rubrick of a
family almost freezing to death this
bitter cold weather. I sent him a bun
dle of old newspapers to put between
the sheets and the counterpanes. I
think since navigation is closed coal
would bear another 25 cents per ton.
"Teach me thy ways, 0 Lord."
December 21. The boys seem to
tako no interest In business; and al
though Lucile is such a lovely girl, I
can hardly find anything to say to her.
That Count Detzlni is a fortune hunter.
I gave her $1,000 for the settlement:
my name was in the papers between
Mr. Pastor's and Mr. Chiselling's. We
got. the control. of. the meat supply.
"Thou art merciful andj gracious, O
my God."
December 25. The happy Christmas
tide! Send $50 to the Salvation Army
Christmas dinners. Have matured a
plan to crush the ..union. -"Godliness
is profitable for all thinggj "God. is
good. His mercy cnduipUutfor ieyftr. V
December? 31.r-Tbje c.-qJjOL ywro cfoseaVJ
How. much God has alven roaxMila year
t,hrpugh the tariff, pnvpoaltf VAuWiy
.ways are pleasantness.". - -
1-- January lMay the. New1 Year bring
hiesslngs tp all!. The beef-combinatlOn
will enable us to 'dispense with over
two thousand employes. "Thjr ways
are not as our ways, O Lord"
January 7. Lucile has taken up the
unemployed. She is dissatisfied with
the sewing society says It takes away
work from her seamstresses. I told
her that the charities do so litttle that
they could not do so much harm (our
business alone amounts to more than
the $1,000,000 that is spent in New
York on charities annually); but Lu
cile said that it is the cheapest article '
in the market that sets the price. That
may be so. for we find that the men ap
plying for occasional jobs keep down
the wages. I was glad to find some
thing to talk to her about, and some
thing besides business to think about.
The miners struck against the reduc
tion; this will enable us to get the ex
tra 50 cents on the ton; I fear there
will be violence. "Father, forgive
them, for they know not what they
do."
January 8. Much perplexity about
business. Tho boys squander money
among the- profligates at the billiard
halls instead of making useful ac
quaintances at the church.
January 18. A horrible day "Tbe
wicked have drawn out the sword and
have bent their bow." All my stock In
the meat combine gone for lack of a
few thousand dollars for- margins. I
fear coal will follow. The strike in
the mines has set afloat reports about
our credit. "Have mercy upon us mis
erable sinners."
January 20. My heart bleeds for the
poor men who will be thrown out or
employment but they would not ac
cept the nevw schedule.
Here the diary end3 abruptly. A
newspaper clipping of an Associated
press dispatch fell from between the
leaves, It reads: "Magus Scribes ac
cidentally shot himself in his bed
room at 3 o'clock this morning while
cleaning a pistol. His firm. Scribes &
Mammon, assigned yesterday." Bol
ton. Hall, in The Rams Horn,
LIFE SAVED BY SWAMP-ROOT
The Great Kidney, Liver and Bladder
. Remedy.
SAMPXB BOTTLE SENT FRGE BY MAIL.
S warn p-Roqt, discovered byjho emi
nent kidney and bladder specialist",
promptly cures kidney, liver, bladder
and uric acid troubles.
Somo of the early symptoms of weak
kidneys arc pain or dull ache in tho
back, rheumatism, dizziness, headache,
nervousness, catarrh of the bladder,
gravel or calculi, bloating, sallow com
plexion, puffy or dark circles under
tho eyes, suppression of urine, or com
pelled to pass water often day and
night.
Tho mild and extraordinary effect of
Dr. Kilmer's Swamp-Root, is soon
realized. It stands the highest for its
wonderful cures of tho most distress
ing cases. If you need a medicine you
should havo the best.
Swamp-Root is not recommended for
everything, but if you have kidney,
liver, bladder or uric acid trouble you
will find it just the remedy you need.
.Sold by druggists in fifty-cent and
one-dollar sizes. You may havo a
sample bottle of Dr. Kilmer's Swamp
Root and a pamphlet that tells all
about it, Including many of tho thou
sands of letters received from sufferers
cured, both sent free by mall. Write
Dr. Kilmer & Co., Binghamton, N. Y.,
and please mention that you read this
generous offer in The Commoner.
Grler's Pamphlet on the U'. S. Finan
cial Law of March 14 , oo.
During the national campaign of
1900, a pamphlet of about one hundred
pages was issued by Hon .John A.
Grier of Hyde Park, Chicago, on "The
Financial Law of, March 14, 1900, with
an appeal for it reinycs'tigatibV' -- -
Tkfe paramount issue of thafy cam
paign. Tag decided by Jtherd4riocralc .
party to be Imperialism, the money
question wag subordinated. ' '
In, his early life the author BerrtaL
lor oyer ten years as an officer in th.w?7"
unueu estates navy, resigning nis com- )
mission as a chief engineer in 1G. '
No one who knows him or knows of
his record can question his patriotism.
As a manufacturer of reapers and
hlowers for many years, he became
identified with the manufacturing In
terests of our country. As an employe
in. the United States mint at Philadel
phia, he became intensely interested
in the coinage question, having spe
cial privileges while there to become
acquainted with many of the minulo
details of our coinage system. As a
former republican he has done muoh
earnest literary work ever since 1878,
in defending the expediency and hon
esty of our silver dollar coinage.
The present pamphlet is the con
densation of much of his life's work
In the discussion of tho money ques
tion. It matters not how much the
reader may differ with him In his con
clusions, you will be sure to find a
large number of undisputable fact?
carefully recorded. The main object
of the pamphlet is to persuade the peo
ple to see the absolute necessity for th'
restoration of the full legal tender
power to our silver dollar, and its
continued coinage on some settled
plan, but at the existing coinage ratio
of 16 to 1.
The present edition, with about a
dozen extra pages, was issued several
months after the national election.
The author devotes considerable space
in trying to demonstrate the mischipf
lurking in tho national policy of build
ing up the national banks in the U.
S as specially favored monopol
ists, who by their monopoly, granted
to them under this law, promote and
furnish the financial backing to manv
of our most mischievous industrial
combinations popularly called trusts.
nMr.nilji.'uwrwn hihi ulliwmwiill nil i w a
TO CDBK A POJ.D IN ONK DAY
T-l.- r ...IUa Drnnn (Inlntnu Tni1t ill
dru'rgists rofnnd tbe fnoaejr if it fails to car.
JL i. GroYt'i lignatur i on each box, 2Se
