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LEARF E , BUT
He was up in mathematics, in didactics, hydrostatics;
Could givo the Latin name of bug and beast. , -
Ho was up in physiology, psychology , neurology,
And he knew the mystic culture of the east.
He was long on homoeopathy, likewise, also, osteopathy;
And suggestive therapeutics was his forte.
Ho was, too, a great geographer, an oxpert lexicographer, ' -
And in legal lore he far surpasse d the court. . ,
As a learnod sociologist his name would always lead the list,
And he sought man's reformation every way.
He bewailed vice in the city, viewed his nation's fate with pity
And forgot to cast a vote election day.
his
forward with nrlntcr's ink on
Angers and a pencil in his hand.
"A moment, please, Brother Four.th-
ly. It is unfair to take undue advant
age of the people. I have here the
subscription books of the Weekly Bu
gle, and I suggest that you allow thirty
minutes before demanding a final an
swer to that question."
A moment later the church was
filled with the jingling of silver and
the rapid scratching of a pencil travel
ing over the pages of a receipt book.
She was up in musicology, dabbled
And could paint on silk and
She was versed in ancient history,
Of the occult science called
She could talk on social science to
And preside with grace and
She could lead a social function with
And in matter's of late fashions
She could talk on any topic, always"
And her mind with great refor
Playing golf she was a dandy, with
But she couldn't darn a sock
somewhat in astrology;
china fair to see.
had delved deep into the mystery
theosophy.
old Father Time's defiance;
fairness, and with wit.
aplomb, .and also unction;
she was "it."
kind and philanthropic;
ras was always rife; , ,c
an auto she was handyh-,, ,.
to save her life. . ..'-..,
: 1
Unsatisfactory.
"Look here, Jenkins! Did you tell
Harklns I was a, liar?" . -; ...
"No, sir; I did not. I merely told
Harklns you talked like a naval map."
Then the fight began.
His Only Argument.
He ran a party organ and
He posed a patriot.
The words his opponents would print
He styled as "treason," "rot."
He couldn't arguenot a bit
But raised a din infernal
Whenever in a corner caught,
And shouted "Yellow journal!"
Seasonable.
He just dashed off a summer ode
In rythm somewhat jerkey,
And sold it to a magazine.
To get his ChriBtmas turkey.
love
Biffs.
never goes
on dress
The Unexpected Happens.
Walker Bout "You know what a
piotis man Dopeley protends to be?"
E. Z. Thynge "Yes; what about
him?"
Walker Bout "Well, I happened to
be passing by his house the other day
when he was putting up a stovepipe.
,He didn't see me, so I stopped, and
listened." "
B. Z. Thynge "And he forgot all
his pretended piety and cussed just
like the rest of us?"
Walker Bout "No. The pipe went
up easily and he never quit smiling
while working at it."
Outrageous. .
Hamphat d'Aigs "Something should
be done to stop this epidemic of yel
low Journalism."
Rantin Howler "That's what.
They're always springing our jokes be
fore we get 'em learned and rehearsed."
The flodern Playwright.
A miser cold, a mortgage old,
A, maiden wronged and tearful;
A father proud, a villain loud,
A lover roused and fearful.
Somo cows and sheep, farm "props"
a heap,
A snow storm made of paper;
Scone: Vale and hill.' The actors
nil, For that's the proper caper.
Farm hand quartette that don't forget
To sing "Hi-too-ri-loo-ral;"
Time: Christmas night then all ends
right
nd there's your drama "rural."
Truo
parade.
' The good 'time of today is too often
the headache of tomorrow.
"Let well enough alone" never
'fathered a needed reform.
An ounce of honesty is worth a
pound of reorganization expediency.
A trust attorney in the cabinet is
worth two in the court room to the
trusts.
Trusts never will be 'shackled by the
more mouthings of men entrusted with
authority.
Sympathy is something you can give
when you want to use your money for.
something else.
"I Will" never waits on "I Wish."
Judges who object most strenuously
to -criticism are the ones who deserve
it most.
As between pneumatic journalism
and yellow journalism the public pre
fers the latter. Pneumatic journal
ism talks; yellow journalism does
things.
A fight between a two-billion dollar
steel trust and a one-billion dollar
steel trust simply means that the pub
lic will have to pay hospital expenses
for a three-billion dollar steel trust.
Homeopathic'
Percy D'Flytte-"I just gaVe the
wudo fellah a piece of my mind, bah
jove'
"Miss'Caustique "You wronged your
self, Mr. D'Flytte." '
A Great Opportunity.
"And now, brethren," remarked Rev.
Dr. Fourthly, "in conclusion I jvould
ask all who are square with the' world
to rise to their feet."
"A moment, please," exclaimed a
tall, gaunt individual, who stepped
In Boston.
Mrs. Beacon Hill "Gracious! Did
you hear about the horrible faux pas
President Roosevelt made dining with
Booker Washington?"
Mrs. Back Bay "No! Did he omit
baked beans from the menu?"
- " ' ' Will M.- Maupin.
A Little Humor.
"How did you come out with your
farming this year, Uncle Jim?"
"Well, suh, ef I don't have enough
lef ter buy a Chrismus dram I'll be a
mightily disapp'inted nigger!" At
lanta Constitution.
Briggs "They say those India Yo
gis can keep their minds fixed on va
cancy for hours at a time."
Griggs "That's nothing. I spent a
whole week recently reading the short
stories in the magazines." Life.
"Who is the hero of this, piece?"
asked the man who was coming out of
the theatre.
And the manager thoughtfully re
plied: "The man who is putting up
the money." Washington Star.
Teddy "I wish I hadn't licked
JTmmy Brown this morning."
Mamma "You see now how wrong
it was, don't you, dear?"
Teddy "Yes, 'cause I didn't know
till noon that he was going to give a
party."" London Tit-Bits.
Mr. Newcomb (examining - the gro
cery bill, one item 'of which was tea,
$10, reprovingly) "My dear, we can
never. use so much tea before it spoils."
Mrs. Newcomb "I know it, but you
haven't seen the dear little china plate
I got for buying so much. It's worth
at least $1 and the tea we don't use
we can throw away. Judge.
"I do not mind the notoriety so
much,',' soliloquized the whale, after
it had left Jonah on the beach, "but
those smart young whaleB in our set
will be sure to always be asking me
to take something for the inner man,
or to go spouting around about how
hard it is to keep a good man down."
Baltimore American.
Weekly News Summary. .
SATURDAY, Oct. 2C Safe robbers
blew open a safe at Berea, 0., and se
cured booty estimated at $100,000.
E'oys wrecked a Baltimore & Ohio
train at Ravenna, O., by putting spikes
on the rails; no fatalities, but much
damage done to property. German
press speaks disparagingly of the pan?
American congress. Admiral A. S.'
Crowninshield, chief of the navigation
bureau, given command of the Eu
ropean squadron.
SUNDAY, Oct. 27. National Bank
of Commerce, Omaha, goes into vol
untary liquidation. President Roose
velt, with two or three friends, quiet
ly celebrated his forty-third birthday.
Duke and Duchess of Manchester be
come parents of a daughter.
MONDAY, Oct. 28. In a race riot in
Washington parish, Louisiana, three,
white men and eleven negroes were
killed. Lieutenant General Miles' an
nual report upholds anti-canteen law
and finds fault with the present or
ganization. Charles Nutting, impris
oned in a mine near Bingham, Utah,
for sixty-one hours by a cave-in, res;
cued alive. Admiral Schley concludes
his testimony before the court of in- "
quiry. Mrs. Ulysses S. Grant reported
seriously ill.
TUESDAY, Oct. 29. Buffalo Bill's
Wild West t-Low wrecked near Lex
ington, N. C, and 100 horses killed..
Forepaugh & Sells' circus train slight
ly wrecked near Baton Rouge, La.
Henry Clay Hall, for thirty years con'-'
sul to Cuba and minister to Central
America, died at his home in Worces-'
ter, Mass., aged 81.
WEDNESDAY, Oct. 30. Columbia,
S. C, visited by a destructive fire.'
Three people killed in a railroad
wreck near Washington, Pa. Fall
River, Mass., spinners declare against
a strike.
THURSDAY, Oct. 31. General Maso
announced as a candidate for presi
dent of Cuba. William R. Hearst, edi
tor of the Chicago American, and six
employes of the paper cited for con
tempt for severely criticising Judge
Hanecy's decision in the gas case.
Johan Most, the anarchist, released"'
under bond. Unpaid men in the Turk
ish navy made a demonstration and
threaten to seize the vessels.
FRIDAY, Nov. 1. Kitchener re
ported a serious repulse of British near
Broken Lagaate. Boers attacked real
of Colonel Benson's column and cap
tured two guns, killing fifty-four Brit
ish officers and troops and wounding
more than one hundred. West Vir
ginia miners admit they are organiz
ing for a strike.
A Baseless Charge.
That hypocrisy is the homage that
vice pays to virtue is an ancient
maxim. It is because they are
ashamed to call the conquest of the
Filipinos by its right name that the
republicans attempt to justify it by
the charge that the Filipinos are unfit
for self-government, and, therefore,
our government must be forced upon
them. The charge of the unfitness of
the Filipino for freedom is an utterly
baseless charge and entirely unsub
stantiated by the facts. Houston Post.
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