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Whether Common or Not.
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Wlicn Pa Takes Down thIlcatln' Stove.
When pa takes down th' heatin' stove you bot wo
stan' aroun'
An' keep as quiet as can bo an' never make a
soun'. ,
Wo alius know there's goln' t' bo a heap o noise
an' fuss,
An' ma sho alius is prepared t' have things in a
muss.
F'r pa gits purty careless in his actions an' his
talk
If that ol' stove gits contrar'eo an tries t' buck
an' balk,
An' i It bucks too hard then pa says things 'at
make me blush,
An' ma can only gasp an' say, "No, pa, you'd bot-
!cr hush!"
When pa takes down th heatin' stove ho takes.
off coat an' vest,- ... . .
An' says if ma'll get a chair he'll gladly do ,th! .
... - rest. .
Then ma sho gits th' chair an' puts some papers
on th' floor,
An' knowln' pa's excited ways she closes every
door.
She says sho wouldn't f'r th' world have neigh-
' bors overhear
Th' awful things that pa'll say if trouble should.
appear.
An' ma is wise, f'r pa c'n say. some words you
never see
In any dictionary though you look frorn A to Z.''
Then- pa. he mounts th' chair an' grabs th' stovo-
- ..pipe good an' tight, ., ... . .
An' bracin' one foot 'gainst th' wall he pulls with
all his might.
I never say a word, an' ma, she trembles like
with fear .
An' stands .across th' room an' puts a finger in
fc . each ear. ,
She's on. to pa, f'r purty soon th' pipe comes down
kersmash! . ' .
An' pa says things I can't spell out, so write 'em
with a dash.
Then pa gits up an' feels his bones an' tackles :t
once more, - '
An' rassels that ol heatin' stove all up an' down
th' floor.
An' all the time he's sayin' things, an' I've jus'
got t' grin.
But ma she says th'' way pa talks is just a awful
sin.
When pa gits through he washes up an' scoots
off down t' town. . -
Then ma picks up th' things he left a lyin' all
aroun'
An' says she'd rather do th' work than be com
pelled t' stand '
An' hear, th' things 'at pa would say each time ho
pinched his hand.
She says I mustn't ever use such langwidge as he
done,
An? intermates he sets a bad example t' his son.
I'm mighty glad f'r my ma's sake th' year is built
this way.
An' takln' down th' heatin' stoyo don't' happen
ev'ry .day.
The Doddering: Imbecile.
Just as the landlady began pouring the tea tho
Doddering Imbecile who spends his leisure time la
the upper hall bedroom thinking up idic lc conun
drums interrupted:
"What," he asked with a silly smile "what is
the difference between a load of saplings for a
cooper shop and a police magistrate examining
prisoners in the morning?"
Dead silence reigned for a moment, broken
The Commoner.
only by tho weak moans of the coffeoand the ef-.
forts of tho butter to get away from the cheese.
"One," said the Doddering Imbecile, reaching
for the sugar "one is a load of poles and tho.
other is a poll of loads."
SN
Class Distinction.
"Get out of my way!" shouted tho Preferred.
Share. . , .
"0, 1 don't know," retorted tho Common Share.
"I can't see that you draw any more . dividends ,
than I do when, the magnates get to quarreling."
Consolation.
'Tis better to have loved in vain
Than never to have felt the pain;
For, loving once, you're wiser then,
And ma: win when you love again.
A . Let Punishment Fft the Crime.
The man who never kissed a maid,
Or hugged a shapely waist,
" Is fit for treason, loot and spoil
. , And should be boiled in seething oil, -'
Or in a museum placed,
Or, failing this, deserves to be
Unkissed through all eternity.
vs , -
Quotations.
"'Little pitchers have large ears," said the
man who revels in quotations.
"Yes, and little growlers have too much froth,"
said the man who reveled in other things.
. t . ,
Brain Leaks.
Easy go sad to recall.
' A baby's" smile Is a proof of heaven.
Ambition Is a steed that must be ridden with,
a spur. " -
A heart full of hope Is better than a ho'.se full
of regrets. '
Today's heada6hes mean a mistake in yes
terday's good time.
The oil of love never falls to make the ma
chinery of home run smoothly.
Many men have died without .learning the dif
ference between character and reputation.
Some people achieve a reputation for charity
by giving away a lot of things tney do not want"
for themselves.
Casting bread on the water tor the purpose of
getting a bakery In return Is like trying to boll
water to a jelly.
AA
Depends on Location.
' "The biggest fish always get away."
"Not in Wall street."
Questions.
"Why does a rabbit wobble its nose?" asks tho
Chicago Tribune.
We'll answer the question when the Tribune
answers the following:
Where does a snake's tail begin?
When does a pig cease to be a pig and become
a hog?
Why doesn't a dog wash its face as a cat does?-
Why doesn't a snake's skin wear out when it
crawls?
Why is the Tribune free trade in off years and
high tariff In campaign years?
Is the Tribune a Buffalo? . "
An Expert.
."Is Addison good at figures?"
"Is he? Well I should say so! Why, the syn
dicate he works for pays him a big' Balary -just
to make out its tax returns."
..
Temperance Note.
- In life he guzzled beer each day.
In death it doth appear
True to his past he took ono last -
Final bier, W. M. M.
Hagnif icent Deadhead Trip;
Tho recreation journey of President McKin
ley is tho most magnificent trip ever undertaken
by railroad in tho United States, If not in the
world.
No emperor or king ever made as splendid a
tour through his dominions as that which th
president is enjoying among his American fellow
citizens. He will see more people and more acres
of territory- within the next month than any po
tentate or conqueror except Alexander the Great
over saw before.
President McKinloy will be received every- '
where with a gay and festive welcome that will not
be as noisy as a continuous Fourth of July and
will be far more agreeable on that account. He
will traverse twenty-five states and his route is
15,000 miles in length. He is accompanied by a
working force of his cabinet, and he will bo in con
stant communication by telegraph with Washing-
ton. He will transact all public business on his
route. His train will actually be the national capi
. tal on wheels running at an average rate of thirty
five miles an hour. . -f
The president's personal party is constituted
of himself and family, several Washington officials,
typewriters and telegraphic operators. A great
number of press reporters and other followers aro
accommodated on the train. The commissary de--partment
is luxuriously provided and is managed '
by skilled employes, including a complement of
cooks and waiters.
The cars are seven in number and are fitted
up in a style superior to anything of the kind ever .
before seen. "It is understood," says a trustworthy
account of the affair, "that the president ex
pressed, a desire to pay all the expenses of tho
trip." But the railroad companies which furnished,
the palatial cars Would not listen to the sugges
tion. To a private party the actual expense of tho
cars and trackage would be $29,880. The commis
sary stores and service for the trip would bring
the coBt up to at least $50,000, a year's salary for '
the president. Probably he did not insist with im-
portunate pertinacity t)n paying the bill.
The president will be fortunate if out of these
circumstances a national scandal shall . not ;,.bo .
evolved. Chicago Chronicle.
Appropriate Epitaphs.
There needs to be a reformation in epitaphi
ology. People ask me for appropriate inscriptions
for the graves of their dead. They tell the virtues
of the father, or wife, or child, and want me to put
in ompressed shape all that catalogue of excel
lence. Of course I fail in the attempt. The story,
of a lifetime cannot be chiseled T)y -the stone-cut-
ter on tho side of a marble slab. But ic is not a
rare thing to go a few months after by the samo .
spot and find that the bereft friends, unable to
get from others an epitaph sufflcli Ay eulogistic,
have put their own brain and heart to work and
composed a rhyme. Now, the most unfit sphere
on earth for an inexperienced mind to exercise
the poetic faculty is on a grave-stone. It does,
very well in copy-books, but it Is most unfair to
blot the resting-place of the cead with unskilled
poetic scribble. It seems to me that the owners
of cemeteries and graveyards should keep in their
own hand the right to refuse inappropriate and
ludicrous epitaphs. Nine-tenths of those who
think they can write respectable poetry are mis-"
takon. I do not say that poesy has passed from
the earth, but it does seem as If the fountain
Hippocrene had been drained off to run a saw-,
mill. It is safe to say that most of the horae-ma. o
poetry of cemeteries is an pffence to God and man
My uniform advico to all thosa who want ac
ceptable and suggestive epitaphs is: take a passage
of Scripture. That will never wear out. From
generation to generation it will bring down upon
all visitors a holy hush; and if before that stone
has crumbled, the day comes for waking up of
all the graveyard sleepers, the very wcrds chiseled
on tho marble may be the ones that shall ring
from the trumpet of the archangel.-rGhriatian
Herald,
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