Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923 | View Entire Issue (March 15, 1901)
HHiiiHiiiiniiiiiiiHfw mm Whether Common or Not ;j The Household Physician. It tickles mc almost t' death t' sec th' doctors fight, Each one declarin' t'other's wrong an' only him is right; When ally path an' homy path forever disagree, Exceptin' when they j'inc t' light 'gainst ostyopathe. Th' allypath will dope his sick th' pharinacopy through; Th' homypath will jim along with numbers 1 and 2. Th' ostypath will knead y'r frame an loosen ev'ry bone, An' then th' Scientis'" declares you're saved by faith aloue. An' some folks listen to th' talk each school has got t' make, ' An' dope themselves with p'izen drugs f'r ev'ry pain an' ache. They choose a school o1 medicine an' help along th' fuss, Each one a gulpin' physic down an' growin' wuss an' wuss. It tickles me t' hear 'em talk, an' hear 'em argify, An' sec 'em pay th' doctor bills that figger mighty high. Th' remedies my mother made are good enough f'r me-1-Some goosegrease on a flannel rag an' lota o' bone set tea. In spring when feelin' torpid an' my liver's out o' plumb, Malary in my system an' each j'int a feelin' numb; When blood is out o' kelter an' each bone begins t' ache, I fall back on th' remedies my mother used t' make. She didn't call no doctors in t' feed her folks on pills An' feel their pulse while lookin' wise, an' send in' in big bills. She kept us all a feelin' fine an' well as we could be With goosegrease on a flannel rag and quarts o' fen nel tea. Th' trouble with most men today is each has got a fad, Each boastin' of an ailment that our fathers never had. Appendyeetus is th' talk, bacilly's all th' rage; Th' men who have diskivered germs are heroes of th' age. But I'm content with old-time ways, an' you kin bet y'r life No modern doctor ever gets t' carve me with his knife. I'll just keep doctorin' myself, while doctors disagree, With goosegrease on a flannel rag and quarts o' sass- 'frass tea. Baa Fame. The politician gazed earnestly at the newspaper in his hands. " It must be that I am losing my place in public attention." Still gazing thoughtfully at the newspaper he sighed a deep sigh and bit his lips. " At any rate," he continued, "the cartoonists are beginning to make pictures that look something like me." W. M. M. A Social Affulr. He could fight for love of country And could bare his breast to shot; He could die for home and freedom In a battle raging hot. He could, work a gun so truly That it made you proud to see But he couldn't be commissioned, For he couldn't pour "pink tea." BBBBI Uncle Hiram. "I hev noticed," remarked Uncle Hiram, splitting a sliver from a convenient cracker box, "that hist'r'y uses variations sometimes in repeatin' herself. F'r The Commoner. instance: Th' first Samson used the jawbone of an ass t' slay his enemies; but th' present day Sampson uses th' same we'pon t' commit suicide," The Ruling Passion. The lovely patient lay motionless, and friends gathered about her. "1 am unable to revive her," said the family phy sician. "The case puzzles me greatly, for I recognize none of the symptoms." Hastily picking up the evening paper a friend, with rare presence of mind, turned to the advertising depart ment and read: " 'On sale at Blank's tomorrow, lovely Taffeta silk, 36-inch, full bodied, worth $1.75, at 30c' " "What time does the sale begin?" queried the fair patient, sitting up and reaching for her 'purse. A Pat Contract. "I've got a contract," cried.the man, "That will my fortune make; A contract that will never end, Unless I much mistake." " What is your contract, friend?" I asked. He viewed me with surprise! " A marble shaft I furnish each Time Aguinaldo dies." A Breach of Propriety. "Tt is passing strange that a social leader like Sampson committed such a breach of etiquette." "What do you mean ?" "Why, he never sent his regrets to Cervera, although he was not able to be present at the Span iard's levee." KB BB Unsolved. During the last twenty or thirty years man has made some wonderful discoveries, but up to date no one has discovered why a man who can not keep a good knife more than a week can carry a broken handled, pointless-blade knife for years and never succeed in losing it. p. H,,H h i -h- h i i i d 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 n i an i i-n -i- Borrowed Fun Iliil WHfH-HtfMlll 1 1 IIWIll Force of Hub It. nusband (returning from his first ascent in a balloon) Just think of it, Alice, I ascended 2.1,000 feet in the air. Young Wife And you brought back nothing for me! Fliegende Blatter. Just IJIco a Turk. " Bellingham is a regular Turk," said Cumso to Cawker. ' What makes you say that?" " He seems to regard an effort to collect money he owes as an hostile act." Detroit Free Press. Not to Bo Outdone. " Has your wife much social ambition?" "Social ambition! When she read about Lady Curzon's elephant party in India she said if Bhe knew where she could rent some whales she'd give a whale party." Detroit Free Press. Gradual Purification of Politics. "Then you think, Senator," said the reporter, who was working him for an interview, "that the time is coming when a rich man in the Senate will no longer be looked at with an eye of suspicion?" " I certainly do," replied Senator Lotsmun. " It is becoming generally understood that the presence of a man of wealth in the United States Senate is satisfactory evidenoe he could easily afford the ex pense of getting there."- Chicago Tribune. .$3k i n i j i HtHiri i ii rrt rtrni iH-t-i-ffH-ft' Miscellaneous. '11 1 III 1-1 nillll imm-HHr-KHHrH Americans arc a thrifty and prudent people, un less all proverbs lie, and should be ready to strike a balance of our Philippine business up to date. The first account would rclato purely to the money in vestment, and the return tin , far had, and would stand as follows: WILLIAM MoKINLEY IN ACCOUNT WITH TUB 1 UNITED STATES. Dr. Cr. I To one archipcligo... 520,000,000 By two J To benevolently as- years' '3 sun 11a ting the exports 1 same, 730 days, at to Phil- 8750,000 a day.. .. 547,000,000 ippinca, 1 To expenses able say 83,- i negotiators Paris 200, 000, Treaty 222,000 profiton f To two islands which at t which able negoti- 12 per ators thought they cent. is. . . .f 381,000 had bought 100,000 J; $507,322,000 J 381,000 Profit and loss 5500,938,000 J Evidently "there are millions in" the islands; but they are so far "in" that it may be doubted if wo ever get them out. A correct Philippine balance-sheet would also show the respective profit and loss in the moral and political sphere. Figures and values cannot, in this part of the statement, be sharply defined; but the two sides of the account would stand something like this: . LOSS. Confidence, and admi ration of oppressed peo ples. Gratitude of strug gling republics. Watchwords of libi crty. Peaceful expansion. Ideals of the fathers. Reverence of the Con stitution. The party of moral ideas. Again we leave it to which side the balance is. " GAIN. Applauso of arbitrary and oppressive rulers. Thanks of republio destroyers. Shibboleths of Em pire. Criminal aggression. Toys of the nursery. Trust in force. The party of the pocket-book. the Imperialists to say on N. Y. Post. Hut all the resources that can be iraaginicd by the Chancellor of the Exchequer and his distressed colleagues will not half fill in the prospective defi ciency, and therefore we must expect further large additions to the nation's debt, how large it is uselefca now to attempt to estimate. It might be 50,000,000 and possibly enough half as much again. The pros pect is decidedly other than brilliant, however viewed; and we cannot help wondering what the war party expects the nation to gain by all this outpouring of its means and mortgaging of its future. Where does the profit come in in the balance-sheet? We see none, not a farthing, but only a steady disappear ance of our wealth, of our power over markets and over communities that were our customers and good ones. But we cannot expect the Government and its supporters to acknowledge this. They live and move in a world of illusions, and will do so to the end. To help in sustaining fiction as supreme lord of and over our destinies, we may even have no honest Budget at all, but only a Budget of dribbles and supplements like that of the current year; for is not the war over, or just about; DeWet sick of it, and dying to surren der; Botha beaten, and the mines about to re-open? All the war journals say sO, and they have been so con .j icuously right in the past that we must perforce believe them. Investor's Review, London, England, i ffl ;i