BOWSER
SDIVORCE
Lack of System In Household
Creates Dissension.
SHOESTRING START? IT.
Not Finding One Bowser Homilizet,
Than Waxes Sarcaatio Fate Then
Comes to Mrs. B.'s Rescue, and
Spouse's Triumph Is Shortlived.
By M. QUAD.
Copyright, 1913, by Associated Literary
Press.
"M
RS. BOWSER," began Mr.
Bowser as he cnme down
stairs the other morning,
"Is this house run on a sys
tein, or ii everything expected to take
care of Itself?"
"What do you wean?" she asked.
"I mean that I have been looking for
a shoestring for the last hour and a
half and that, nothing of the sort is to
befounJ"
"No; I (Jjn't believe there Is one In
the house" ,
"I presume not. 1 presume the 200
pairs I bought in Detroit the day be
fore we left have all been chewed up
by the cat or sold to the ragman. If
there's a worse run house than ours In
America I'd like to see it."
"Why, Mr. Bowser, you only brought
home three shoestrings, and you used
two of those to tie up your papers."
"Well, Where's the other?"
"I can't tell. We may have lost it in
moving and unpacking."
"Don't doubt it in the least. While a
Bhoestrlng is not as big as a piano or
as valuable as a clock, the loss of It
MB. BOWSER ENTE11ED WITH A DOORMAT
IN BIS II AND.
shows the want of system, a reckless
extravagance truly discouraging. Ilave
you got a piece of clothesline in the
house?"
"I I don't think so," she stammered
"Probably not, probably gone to join
the shoestring. I must have something
" to tie up iwy shoe with, however, and I
w'll use a piece of stovepipe wire."
After breakfast, when ready to go
out, he said:
"Mrs. Bowser. 1 hope you will take
this lesson to heart. Carelessness in a
wife is a very reprehensible trait."
"You are Just as careless as I am,"
she protested.
Most Husbands Models.
"No, uia'am; no, ma'am. I never mis
lay anything, forget anything or lose
anything. Very few husbands do. I
will go around the world with n pin in
my vest and bring the same one back
with nie. If you go out into the street
today you had better have a policeman
go with you. If not you'll lose your
purse or be robbed of your cloak."
When Mr. Bowser came up to dinner
he entered the house with a smile on
his face and a doormat in his band and
said:
"1 found a boy walking oil with this
mat. Has any one taken the range out
of the basement? It's a wonder to me
they haven't come in after the car
pets." "That's a mat the girl put out in the
barrel to be carted away," she ex
plained. ;' "Oh. it is! More reckless extrava
gance, I Bee! Mrs. Bowser, I want to
sit down with you some day and have
a long talk. I think you mean well,
but you are deficient in Judgment, and
our knowledge of the world la very,
very limited."
"Do you know everything?" she sar
castically queried.
"Mrs. Bowser," he replied as he fold
ed his hands under his coattails and
assumed his favorite attitude, "there
are probably one or two things 1 don't
know. I don't claim to know It all,
and 1 don't say you know nothing
whatever. The husband who does not.
however, know forty times as much as
his wife would be considered a stick of
a man. Did you go out today?"
"I did."
Bowser's Watch Gone.
"Was your bonnet taken off your
head?"
"No, sir."
"Lucky very lucky. You are to be
congratulated. I don't"
"Mr. Bowser. Where's your watch?"
she Interrupted.
"My watch, Mrs. Bowser my watch
Is- Great Scott!"
He dropped his hand to find the j
chain, but it was not there. He felt
for the watel. but it was gone.
"Did you leave It at the Jeweler's?"
he asked as he stood with open mouth
and stared at her.
"Jeweler's. No! It's font! I'y
I i fFfl
lost Itl I've Been robbed!" he shouted
as he danced around.
"It can't be. Feel In your pockets."
"Pockets! Pockets! Do you sup
pose I carry my watch In my coattall
pocket? I tell you I've been robbed!"
"Well, don't take on so. Your wallet
is safe. Isn't itT
"G-goue!" he gasped as he put his
hand up "watch and wa!'et both
gone!"
- "You must have been ribbed in
some crow," she suggested.
"Robbed! Crowd! Of course I've
been robbed!" he shouted as he pranc
ed about. "Get that Infernal cat oft
that lounge and let me He down, for
I'm so weak I can't stand up. Where's
that camphor?"
Goes For the Camphor. ,
She ran for the bottle as he flopped
down, and for the ilext three minutes
he had his nose in the opening.
"You ought to go to the police at
once," she Anally said.
"G-gone. g-gone!" he gasped.
"But how could you have been rob
bed?" "I dunno. Hold the bottle a little
higher."
"You are so careful, you know."
"Yes."
"You never mislay anything or forget
anything!"
"No." '
"And never lose anything and have
bo much worldly wisdom!"
"Oh, my head!"
"I can't make it out I'm so careless
that I might lose a shoestring In mov
ing here from Detroit, but you"-
"Don't talk to me! Over $GO0 gone!"
"A woman tried to steal my reticule
in Buffalo, and 1 had her arrested, but
it seems that you"
"G-gone, g-gone!" he groaned.
"Haven't you any idea when it was
taken?" she persisted.
"No."
"Well, I'm sorry, but this will be a
great lesson to you. You will be
more"
"Mrs. Bowser," he interrupted as ho
suddenly sat up. "I see through It all
now. It's as plain as daylight!"
"What do you mean?"
Mrs. Bowser Accused.
"I thought it necessary this morning
to give you a little advice. I felt it to
be my duty as a husband. This la
your way of getting even."
"Why, Mr. Bowser!"
"Don't why. Mr. Bowser, me! It's as
plalu as that chair over there!''
"How could 1 rob you or tell any one
else to?" she demanded.
"Never you mind. I see it all. It's
all right. Mrs. Bowser all right! Just
let go this camphor bottle and take a
seat In the other room. A husband will
bear a great deal from the woman he
loves, but when crowded too far he
turns at bay. I have turned. As soon
as I feel a little bit better we will come
to an understanding, nnd you can prob
ably take the noon train for 3'our
mother's in Detroit. Robbed! Plun
dered! But I see through It and know
my duty!"
"But what is your duty?" she asked.
"D-i-v-o-r-c-e," he replied In a stage
whisper.
"But if you had your watch and
money back?"
"Woman, wo"
"You left them under your pillow
this morning. If you take the night
train for Detroit you best have a
guardian go along with you."
System Gets Wabbly.
"But the fact remains," said Mr. Bow
ser after trying bard to think of some
thing else, "that a shoestring has been
thrown away. It is wanted now, but
cannot be found."
"You can take 2 cents out of my pin
money," said Mrs. Bowser.
"But it's the want of system I am
complaining of. If this house was run
on a system you could lay hands on
that shoestring at any moment, night
or day."
"I think 1 can now. I have no sys
tem, but you have. Under your sys
tem you took that shoostring outdoors
the other day to tie one of those big
sunflowers up to the fence so it would
not get out of the yard and down the
alley."
"Woman!" he shouted.
"It's out there now."
"Never In this world!"
"Come nnd see."
"If it is I'll hand you out"-
It was. Mr. Bowser stood and look
ed at it for a moment and then turned
his back to the scene of the tragedy
and walked off. He had a system, but
it was wabbly in the knees and weak
In the back.
When the Women Rule.
The women were in power, and even
the police force was a skirted brigade.
Two blushing coppers dragged a male
crook into the police station.
"What Is the charge?" asked the
sergcantess.
"Carrying concealed weapons," re
plied Officer Mayme Ilogan. "We
found this hidden under his coat."
And she produced a cage filled with
mice. Exchnnge.
Sacred.
Suffragette (lust home after strenu
ous day and expectiug important cor
respondence) Ilave any letters come
for me?
Daughter Yes, mother, but I tore
them up for a doll's paper chase.
Suffragette Tore them un! I never
heard of such behavior, naven't I
often told you that letters are sacred
things? Punch.
Wisdom.
"This Is a fool world." remarked the
cheerful Idiot
"What's tho matter now?" asked the
boob.
"Why, we spend half our llveH try
ing to save time and the other half
trying to kill time," replied the cheer
ful Idiot Cincinnati Enquirer.
I PATERNALISM OF
FEATURE OF
Panama Zone Happiest and
Best Cared For Commu
nity In World.
tVNDIXG on the Panama canal
zone from the spacious decks
J of a government owned steam
er, riding on a government
owned railway, stopping at a govern
ment owned hotel and reading n gov
ernment owned newspaper of life on
the canal zone as conducted almost In
its entirety under government auspices,
one is led to Inquire: Has the United
States government gone Into socialis
tic paternalism in that locality, and,
if so, has it been a success? So far
as any evidence has ever been offered
on the subject, writes Leroy T. Ver
non in the Chicago Dally News, either
in the hearings before congressional
committees or in the personal obser
vations of members of congress, the
American colony at Panama, barring
petty Jealousies of an official nature,
has been the happiest and best cared
for community on this globe.
A perusal of a copy or two of the
Canal Record, the official organ of the
isthmian canal commission, published
under the authority and supervision
of that body, which furnishes one copy
free to all employees of the canal and
the Panama railroad who are on the
"gold" payroll, shows beyond dispute
the activtyy of the government in the
everyday life of the canal zone In
habitants. Substantially every want
is met by the government, which fixes
the price of food, hotel rates, rail
road rates and electricity and provides
churches, schools, clubhouses and
places practically all government prop
erty at the convenience of tho canal
zone inhabitants whenever occasion
demands.
Canal Medals.
The issue of tho Canal Record of
June 18, besides the news of progress
in the construction of tho canal, con
tamed .a list of tho canal employees
w ho during that week were eligible to
receive canal medals for service ou
that great work or additional gold
bars marking another year of service
on the part of tho older employees. It
contained obituary notices and pro
mulgated the fact that the treasury
department had consented to the cus
toms examination of household goods
of employees leaving the zone in or
der that they might not be delayed
upon their arrival at on American port
The column of "social life" proclaim
ed the fact that for fifty years Christ
church, on Colon beach, built by the
original Panama Railway company,
still remained the official church of
that road, now, however, resting in the
control of the American church. A
list of the societies connected w ith tho
church and their varied activities was
set forth.
Among the official circulars carried
in the Issue was one fixing officially
the rates at the Hotel Tlvoll, operated
by the commission. These rates were
officially signed by the subsistence offi
cer of the canal commission and fixed
the prices to be paid per room by the
day, week and mouth, besides setting
forth the rates, with or without meals,
for meals only and the "tea room scrv
ice," where tea Is dally served between
3 and 0 p. m., Just as in any first class
American hotel. Special rates for em
ployees of the canal are made wher
ever possible. Tho last page .contains
the items from the commission club
houses at Culebrn, Empire, Gorgona
and Gatun, showing that moving pic
ture shows, tenpins, pool, gleo clubs,
volley ball courts, tennis, gymnasiums,
running tracks, Indoor and outdoor
baseball and teachers of Spanish are
provided to attract the employees of
the commission within their influence.
Celebrating the Fourth.
A week later the Canal Record
showed how generally the government
C-------.-------...fcO
DREAD LAST MAN'S BANQUET.
No Survivor of Company B, First
Minnesota, Wants to Dins Alone.
The "last man's banquet" has Just
been held nt Stillwater, Minn. Eight
men attended, and tweuty-thrce vacant
chairs, draped In black, occupied places
at the table, on which rested a cedar
chest containing a bottle of champagne
Some day, when death has reduced
the veterans of Company B, First Min
nesota, to ono man, this survivor will
attend the annual banquet, and alt it
calling the roll ho will drink to the
memory of his thirty gallant comrades
who fought shoulder to shoulder with
him at Bull Ruu and at Gettysburg.
The sentimental custom began in
1880, when Ixtuls Ilospes, father of one
of "the boys." presented tho wine on
condition that the bottle remain tin-
spened until the "last man's banquet"
"That last banquet Is going to be far
more heartrending than any of our
battlefield scenes," said one of the
veterans. "And none of us hopes to
hear the cork pop."
Lane Asks For $50,000.
Secretary Lane of tho department of
the interior has asked tbo senate and
house committees on public lands for
a deficiency appropriation of $50,000 to
be used in facilitating the disposition
of 2,200 land appeal coses which have
accumulated In his duartnieuL
SUB
LIFE 01 ISTIliS
Government Takes a Hand In X
Everything, Even House- X
hold Affairs. X
had extended Its uid to make the
Fourth of July celebration one long to
be remembered on the zona Practi
cally every committee was composed"
of canal employers, including those
high In rank in tho service. Among
the notable steps taken were the utili
zation of the government ships Ancon
and Colon as resting places for the
women and children; likewise the
Chrlstobal schoolhouse, the govern
uient hotels and the Y. M. C. A. build
Ings. The commissary department made
a parcel check room out of one of Its
storehouses; lemonade and Ice water
were served free at street stations:
dressing rooms were set aside at the
Bwiramlng beaches, and the police notl
fled all bathers that they would call
them In time to see the aquatic sporU;
maps of the city were distributed to
all In order that they mlglit find their
way about easily and locate their
friends; an orchestra was provided for
dancing on the ocean piers, tho fire
works were supervised by an armv
captain, and a special train service for
the day was arranged to suit the con
venience of the population. Substan
tially all that was required of the ca
nal employees was their presence upon
this gala occasion, and tho government
did tho rest
In tho same issue tho commission set
forth the rates for electric power on
tho zone, whether for family or com
mercial purposes. Tho object of tho
commission was to furnish the servlco
at cost, and a sixteen candle power
light, Including all renewals of the
lamp, was advertised for 30 cents a
month. Enough power to run a fif
teen horsepower engine will be fur-
nlshed on tho canal until further no
tice for $50 a month.
"Market Prices."
Upon the arrival of tho food shins
from American ports it is tho practice
or the commission to set forth the
"market prices" in Panama, and these
prices remain fixed to tho employees
until officially changed. Thev are fix
ed so as to cover the cost of the pro
visions t.) tho government The Item
in tho issuo of June 25, read as fol
lows: "Tho following changes in the price
list of cold storago provisions publish
ed In tho Canal Record of Juno 11 ore
effective June 25: "
Cents.
Celery, per head n
Lettuce, per pound 13
Squash, per pound 7
Turnips, per pound 4
Apples, per pound 7
Roe shad, each 75
enact roes, per pair 40
Cauliflower, per pouil 12
Green peppers, per pound 12
Cantaloupes, each 12
Watermelons, each GO
"These nro articles placed on salo in
tho last week."
Throughout the Issues of the com
mission newspaper appear at all times
encouraging words relative to tho work
on the canal and tho "human touch" as
exemplified In marrlago notices, per
sonal Items and praise of this or that
shovel crew which during the last week
or month "broke all records for exca
vation" on the canal. Each month the
paper prints the aggregate record of
work done on the canal tho month pre
vious, and each month this record
shows the "estimated" amount of ex
cavation growing smaller and the ag
gregate amount of filling and concrete
work growing larger. The influence of
a family newspaper like the Canal
Record upon those whoso deeds it re
cords, with the activity of the govern
ment Itself in nil matters affecting
their personal welfare, will doubtless
cause many Americans now in Pan
ama to regret the day when the canal
Itself is finished and their work is done.
NAMES TWO GOOD ROAD DAYS
Missouri Governor Expects Free Work
Up to $1,500,000 In Value.
Governor Major of Missouri has is
sued a proclamation setting apart Wed
nesday and Thursday, Aug. 20 and 21,
aa public holidays, to be known as
"good road days." Every ablebodled
man in the rural' districts and city of
the state is to put in these days work
ing upon the public highways.
The governor asks that all ordinary
business be suspended and that wher
ever possible the men put in full time
on the permanent improvement of the
roads, dragging, ditching or making
culverts or bridges or whatever will
tend to accomplish the greatest good.
Women la the rural districts. are re
quested to aid by furnishing the vol
unteer workers with lunches and en
couraging them with their presence
and good cheer.
The governor estimates that work ap
proximating $1,500,000 in value will
result
Trip For Columbus' Bonss.
Assistant Secretary of State Osbomn.
who recently returned to Washington
after n trip to tho West Indies, as a
result of his visit to the Dominican Re
public and Haiti susreests thst the
bones of Christopher Columbus, which
are at Santo Domingo city, be placed
aboard the first shin to ko throned the
Panama canal.
9
Minute "Movies"
of the News
Right Off the Keel
Leaning tower of Pisa is tipping
more every year and is In danger of
collapse.
j Italian embassy in Washington has
started the fashion of a gold handker
chief ring worn on the left cuff button.
"Poison squad" In state chemical lab
oratory, Trenton, N. J., ato eggs three
years old. The only effect was an ap
plication for a raise in pay.
Baby carriage was given to e
Thompson (Conn.) man, sixty years
old. as a premium for getting married
a short time ago. He has Just sued for
divorce.
A fast train on the Chicago, Milwau
kee and St. Paul railroad has Just put
a powerful searchlight on the observa
tion car to show the scenery en route
at ulght.
Because he never missed writing a
letter to his mother each week of the
fifteen years ho has been in America
a young Russian tailor In St. Louis is
heir to $500,000 left by his bachelor
undo In Libau.
CRITICISM OF SCHOOLS
UNJUST, SAY EXPERTS.
System Immeasurably Ahead of That
In Vogue In Former Times,
Current criticisms of the public
school ate discussed in a report Just
issued by tho United States bureau of
education. Among other things, the
contention that tho "three It's" ore neg
lected in the modern school is on
swered with the emphatic statement
that "the three R's are better taught
today than they were fifty or sixty
years ago."
"We frequently hear that there uro
'too many subjects,' 'too many fads
and frills,' and hence neglect of tho
R's," Bays tho report "Tho critics
who utter this sort of criticism seldom
agree ou exactly what tho fads and
frills are, but they Invariably look
back to a golden past when the so
called 'fundamentals' reading, writ
ing and arithmetic were taught In
such a way as never to bo forgotten.
As a matter of fact, the system of to
day Is Immeasurably ahead of tho
school system of the past Tho growth
hiis been steady. Whatever may be
said against tho enrichment of the
course of study, Its 'fads and frills,'
the contention that tho essentials, so
called, have suffered in comparison
with tho past falls Hut"
In discussing current criticism gen
erally, the report finds that much of
the criticism of tho public schools of
today Is duo to a tnarkud change In
the purpose of public education. "Tho
cliargo of a curriculum 'behind tho
times' and the demand for vocational
subjects represent no mero call for
different school subjects as such, but a
complete transformation In tho Idea
of what tho public school should do.
"Those who criticise tho bookish cur
riculum of tho public school, whether
elementary or high school, are really
striving for what they conceive to bo
the changed purposo of education to
reach all tho children of all tho people
with the kind of training that will
make them not merely intelligent In re
spect to things that are in books, but
will equip them directly for tho kind of
life, economic nnd social, which they
will lead when they leave school while
those who opxso the Innovations do so
because they do not concede this
broader though apparently more spe
cialized purpose."
GOLDEN AGE FOR FARM HANDS
Mells Offers Eligible Sisters and Buggy
Rides as Lures.
Ray Mells. a farmer of Dorset, a
small town near Andover, O., simply
can t keen help this summer, vet h
offers Inducements that really ought to
bring him an army of husky youths.
Here are a few of tho inducements
Mells offers to lure somo good, strong,
willing farm hands his way.
Lach man may have a horse and
buggy on Sunday or in the evenings.
Une quitting timo every evening is fl
o'clock, with nothing to do on Sunday
but rig up in Sunday best and go to
meeung, arter wnicn a good dinner
will be waiting.
Wages that will comDare with the
best paid anywhero in the locality,
with tho most considerate treatment
during working hours.
"In addition to all this." savs Mells.
"I have two good looking eligible sis
ters and have offered to let tho boys
get busy and win them if they can.
There's the horso nnd buggy for their
use every Sunday."
Tho harvesting of the crons in Mells'
neighborhood has been creatly delayed
owing to the shortago of heln. All
other farmers In tho vicinity have ex
perienced the same troublo as Mells.
Fastest Armored Cruiser.
The new German armored cruiser
Seydlliz nt her trials in Dantzic made
a record srwd of twenty-nine knots.
The vessel displaces about 25.000 tons
and was estimated by her constructors
to attain a nominal speed of twenty
nve and a half knots.
jxico J
Puffins: the 0' In Mexico
When Kiivernmii.t l.i lec ling,
! And p'ople ure Rfliinu'.
, And half the populut io:i Is a moh.
J And factions are nppralln
tor hackers of their Ranie,
And those who ore mt roht i are out
to rob.
Oh. what a Joyful feeling
To hear old Sam proclaim,
"O'Shaughnessy Is going on the Job!"
These Anglo-Saxon fellows
May do as diplomats
When ti at four o'clock Is on the
hob;
Their howdydos and helloa
And llftlnsr of tholr hats
May satisfy a French or Russian mob,
But down among the yellows,
To end tho country's spnts.
O'Shaughnessy Is going on the Jobl
If Rrensor or If gringo
Has treason In tils head
A Smith or Jones may only stand and
sob
And talk the Spanish lingo
As If hldalKO bred
And twiddle with the seals upon Ms
fob,
But none of that, be Jingo, ,
When beef and cabbage fed
O'Shaughnessy Is there upon the Jobl
D'ye ever know a creature
Who had a name like that
Who acted like a shilly-shally Blob? '
The Irish fighting feature
Sticks out beneath his hat,
Or why should he be born an O, be
(tobT 80, Mexicans, come meet your '
New style of Democrat.
O'Shaughnessy la ready tor the Jobl
John O'Keefe In New York World.
TO
URGE DENMARK TO
HAVE FARM BOYS' CAMPS.
Leading Cattle Expert Approves Work
In North Dakota.
That North Dakota must follow the
examploof Denmark In abandoning the
ono crop plan In favor of tho dairying
industry and bimilar industries, while
Denmark can well follow tho lead of
North Dakota and the United States
generally In the education of its young
farmers in agricultural high schools,
farm boys' encampments and similar
Institutions, was tho declaration of
Lars Frederiksen, the leading cattle
expert of the Danish kingdom, who is
in the United States to study agricul
tural conditions.
Mr. Frederiksen Is the special repre
sentative of tho United Agricultural
societies of Jutland, lie visited tho
farm boys' encampment, which was
held nt Valley City, N. D., by the North
Dakota Better Farming association in
connection with the Valley City Chau
tauqua, and was much impressed with
the work that was being done. Tho
fact that 112 boys, directly off the
farms wero brought together from sev
eral counties and given a ten day out
ing In which there was mixed a liberal
amount of instruction appealed to bint
as ono of tho best ways of training
tho future farmer. "
Upon his return to Denmark, Mr.
Frederiksen said, ho would begin at
once efforts to organize similar eu
campments throughout tho couutry.
In no nation has the Iden of agricul
tural education been carried forward
to tho extent that it has In America,
Mr. Frederiksen said.
North Dakota and other northwest
ern states are today facing tho same
problem which Denmark faced and
solved thirty years nj;o, the visitor told
tho boys attending the camp. Den
mark depended upon one crop until tho
fertility wns gone from the soil and
the people wero forced to seek new
ways of earning a living on the rarms.
Tho dairy cow solved the problem, and
today the little kingdom of Denmark
supplies the United Kingdom with
butter nnd Germany, to a large extent,
with beef.
Conditions are far better for dairy
ing in tho northwestern states than In
Denmark, he declared.
DANGER SEEN IN GENIUSES.
Educational Expert Says Brilliant Chil
dren Make Worst Criminals.
Children of exceptional mental bril
liancy are even greater dangers to so
ciety than those defective or abnor
mally stupid. This Is the conclusion
of Dr. Muxinllllan 1'. K. Grossemann
of tho United States bureau of educa
tion in a report Just made public.
Tbo educational expert based his
statment ou tho comprehensive study
made In tho schools of tho United
States.
"It Is often tho exceptionally bright
child or even tho genius whom we Dud
on the wrong side," said Dr. Grosse
mann. "The stupid and weakminded
criminal is not so dangerous as the
clever and Intellectual criminal."
As a remedy for the uplift of mis
guided Juveniles tho scientist advo
vates united effort on the part of edu
cators, medical men, social workers,
charity organizations, wclfaro socie
ties, Juvenile courts and other agencies.
He declares In his report that all
leparato organizations are doing com
mendable work In this connection, but
that Joint action Is necessary. He also
advocates tho passago of legislation
giving tho community tho right to di
rect the educational training of every
child.
New Way of Treating Wood.
A special treatment of native woods
for use In the better grades of furni
ture has been tried with success in
Germany. Freshly cut birch, oak, elm
or spruce is burled in earth mixed
with lime and other materials and left
for from three to five months. A re
markably flr.e color b Imparted to the
wood thus treated, so that It can be
used without painting or staining, and
ifter sueli treatment It has Dractlcnllv
Bo tendency to shrink or swell.
t
