NO ESCAPE.
Once a very nervous clutp
To cross tin- Mreit iliil try;
An auto luuuli'il him a tup
AnJ dent him to llio sky.
And itp lit foil lil (li'Hiviml ugaln
Il' Kt ii n awful VNli.uk:
Brim Imily's wliiizlnit arrnplane
JuKt tupped lit lit on tin- liack.
Hi- Klmt iluwn to tl' l.i lie brlow,
ill' trii-il to knp nil. ml;
Alas, hr fell a victim to
A putting motor boat.
Just a Reminder.
The young man who graduated some
weekB ago liad secured a position in
the great buslnesit eini.orium and
was there to tell them how to run
the business.
"You seem to know a great deal,
young man," said the senior part
ner. "Do I?" boasted the recent gradu
ate, his chest swelling with pride.
"Ah, sir, soma day I expect to wake
up and find myself famous."
The senor member silently opened
a d rower In his desk and took out
a package.
"Here you are, young man. Take
this home with you with my compli
t ments."
"What is that?"
"An ularm clock. It will help you
to wake up."
Down the Old Road.
The fireflies twinkled in the tall
grasses like myriads of tiny stars.
"You, John Luther Elderberry!" gig
gled the pretty girl in the pink sun
bonnet. "I am surprised!"
"Surprised at what, Cynthia?"
drawled the lanky youth at her
Bide.
"Why, at you, standing there and
kissing a lone, defenseless girl that
way."
"Oh, don't worry about that, Cyn
thia. Here la another way." And
the moon man came out from behind
a cloud and grinned until It seemed
his face would crack.
Hit Own Clatt.
"What kind of a regiment does the
little Russian czarevitch belong to?"
"Guess It la one of the Infantry
corps."
ACCOMMODATING.
J..
The Hobo Madam, could I g-Jt a I
cold bite here? !
The Iady A cold bite? Why, cer
tainly. I'll let Hruno eat some Ice be.
fore he grabs you.
Solar Flirtation.
One night the stHru bi-KHii to ppoon, I
Anil Mercury flirted with the moon;
Katui ii klugeil Venun, to 'tis Kulil, I
And that Is why old Murs turned red. i
Bold.
"Heat It, man, while your boots are
good." snapped the slangy housewife
an she reached for the watering pot.
"Kxciue me, mum," said Hold Hen,
tipping his crowuless straw hat. "Dey
ain't good at all. Dat's why I though;
maybe you'd give me a new pair."
In the Feud Zone.
"May I ask you a question?"
"Sure, stranger."
"Why is everybody in this section
mixed up in a feud?"
"Well nobuddy keers to take
chances on bein an innocent by
stander."
Quite Perceptible.
Actor (pompously I If you engage
me, sir, you get an artist. All my
family who were on the stage had a
great deal of finish about their work
Manager (significantly) I don t
doubt It. I chu see yours now.
Another Knock,
"Speaking about the poverty
of !
poets "
"A topic often discussed."
"The chief characteristic of poets
nowadays Is the poverty of theli
minds."
Her Composition.
"How could he have married that
termagant wife of his? I don't set
what she was made of!"
"That Is the answer. She was maid
of money."
Dropping Bolts.
"Every notable Invention alters our
language."
"That's right. Holts from the blue
may get to be common when airship j
came in." !
A Delicate Insinuation.
"So, madam, w ill you tell the court i
why you prefer your dog to your turn j
band?" !
"Ilecause my dog only growls ec. j
caslonally." !
Gets Hit Wish.
The man who says he would t
contented with little generally has It
Straw L'eed tor r.;atcr.53.
The straw of various grasses and
cereals has bien trkd ami found suit
able for wood In making Matches.
The straw la cut into two-inch lengths
by machinery, winnowed to obtain uni
form size, r.r.d then boiled in para ff no,
dried and dipped into the mixture of !
chlorate of j-otrtsh, sum arable, etc.
for the inflammable tip. The process
should, if adopted on a large scale,
obviate Un use of wood and also give
an improved mutch, with the advan- j
tages of a wzx vesta, at a very Email ;
cost.
Tip to Local Bachelors.
Coming down to th" office at an 1
early hour the other morning the He
view man noticed one of our iiio:-t 1
popular and highly educated young la-
dies busily engaged in carrying in
and stacklr.g the winter supply o i
wood. And she didn't teem to mind i
a bit who stepped and rubbered at the ,
unusual sight. The chap who ret"
that glil to trot with him a'.ons !!Vs
stormy pathway will to in l'a :.;ck.
Jeffenon (Ore.) llovlew.
Idleness Is cn Atrophy.
The prosperity of a people ta pro
portionate to the r.umbfcr of hands
and minds usefully employed. Tj the
community, sedition is a fev r, cc:
ruptlon Is a pangrene nnd iii'n;u?s is
an atrophy. Whatever holy or Kiel
ety wastes more than it aec.ulres
mut t gradually dec ay, and ev::y beln:;
that continues to be fed cr.d ceaves to
labor takes away something :.'.a tlie
public stock. Dr. Johnson.
Real Ceep Sea Fish.
In the beginning of the last century
halibut emigrated to deeper and deep
er water, until they are now caught In
depths of 150 to "50 fathoms, In deep
sea valleys. Halibut capture cod by
stunning them with strokes of the tail.
The roe of a SCO-pound halibut
weighing 44 pounds, was over two feet
long and contained more than 2,000,
000 eggs, says Prof. David Starr Jor
dan. Providential Escape.
The old lady had had a severe Ill
ness, and she was relating Its vicissi
tudes to a friend or two in the
grocer's shop when the minister came
la. "It's only by the Lord's mercy,"
she piously declared, "that I'm not In
heaven to night." Manchester Guard
Ian. Her Grievance.
' "Never mind," said Socrates, "you
may disapprove of me, but posterity
will lend an attentive ear to my teach
ings." "That's what exasperates me!"
replied Xantippe. "To think a man
would go to such lengths in order to
have the last word!" Washington
Star.
PrayfcflnLckiy. .Answered,.
I ' "That the fisherman's net might be '
filled to overflowing" was the prayer
of an Edinburgh minister In an Eye- 1
, lUU.... v.. ...... v.. j .
; lowing night such quantities, of fish j "
were caught that a boat load had to
I be thrown overboard. j
. Qualities to Cultivate.
Thoughtfulness for others, gener
osity, modesty, and self-respect are
the qualities which make a real gen
tleman or lady, as distinguished from
the veneered article which common
ly goes by the name. Thomas Hux
ley. Fixing Her Status.
In a police court in New York the
other day a magistrate asked a wom
an, a witness: "Are you a friend of
the prisoner?" "No, I'm his mother-in-law,"
replied the woman, without
any particular show of feeling.
Disguise.
Were we to take as much trouble
In being what we ought to be as we
take In disguising what we really are,
we might appear like ourselves, with
out being at the trouble of any dis
guise at all. La Rochefoucauld.
Experience.
Not a blade of grass but has a
story to tell, not a heart but has Its
romance, not a life which does not
hide a secret which Is either its thorn
or its spur Henrl-Fredrlc Aw lei.
J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&AI&M. AA.
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Millinery
We now have our Fall Millinery Stock in and will hold our opening on
i
Friday and Saturday, October 1 and 2.
The public is cordially invited to call and inspect same. We do all our
own trimming and consequently can serve you the year round.
MRS
Piles
A to last a LIFE-TIME, ('examination prbk.
W WRITE FOR BOOK ON PILES AND RECTAL DISEASES WITH TESTIMONIALS
p DR. C R. TARRY. 224 Bn Building. Omaha. Nebraska
TUB MANY USES OF l'Al'ISR
In the home cannot be estimated. It can be used to beautify the
otherwise ugly pantry thelves, to put under the carpets, in fact it
can be used all over the house and is a cheap means of sanitation.
We have a limited number of old papers which we will sell for
Cc per bunch. The News-Herald.
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.a.
J. E. BARWICGt
DOVEY BLOCK
REAL ESTATE. Town residence from $4.r0 to $.1,000. Don't
Eay rent any longer. You can own your own dwelling cheaper,
et roe show you some pood chances to acquire farm9 in Ne
braska, South and North Dakota, Missouri or Texas. FIRE
INSURANCE written in six of the best companies.
SURETY BONDS. (Jet your bonds from the American Surety Co.
ACCIDENT INSURANCE. The risk of personal injury is 40
times as great as that of losing your property by fire. Secure
a policy of the London Gurantee and Accident Company and
be sure of an income white you are onable to work.
INDEPENDENT PHONE 454.
I Attention Farmers
Horses, Cattle, Sheep and Hog Salvet or medi
cated Salt is the best remedy for all kinds of
stock to make them tat well and aid digestion
and also a blood builder. If not satisfied with re
sults money refunded. Sold at the feed store of
I Cf.PMRPPf.CP
A I If ... I . I 1111 IB J l II K ?
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1
PLATTSMOUTH,
The Old
Buggy...
made new for a few cents and
a little labor. With
The
Sherwin-Williams
Buggy Paint
you can paint and varnish at
the same operation. You will
be surprised how easy it is
to renew vehicles.
Let us show you color cards.
SOLD BY
F.C. FC3ICKE
EXPERT PILL MIXERS.
- Rexall Store.
J&A. AA. AA. J&A. AA-Ai. Afc. AA.
. JULIA DWY
Plattsmouth, Nebraska. Opposite Postoffice
FISTULA Pay When CURED
All K octal Diseases cured without a surgica If
Deration. No Chloroform. Ether or other pen- wi
eral aneasthetic used. CUKK GUARANTEED
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and' Stock Raisers! I
NEBRASKA.
AA. AA. AAAfc. M. AA. AAAA.
Openin
She Had Had Encui.
At the I'nitarlau chiirii In never
ly, a sweet little nil-s was at the serv
ice with her mother recently. The lll-
I'.e one didn't seem to comprehend the
M'rmou a little bit, although the pas
tor was h.T grandfather, and after a
rest It kb halt hour t-ho turned to her
i mamma and said la r.n audible wills
! per: "Why don't gran.lpa stop talk
ing?" Hoslon Journal.
A Day's Work.
One woman's work was done when
Mrs. Grace Smith of Heverly, W. Va.,
dropped deud after sitting up all night
with a sick child, doing the washing
for tWree families, picking five gal
lons of berries aud walking to town
to buy sugar to preserve them. Noth
ing is said as to what she did be
tween times to keep from being Idle.
Pittsburg Press.
Professor Got Results.
' It Is said a noted professor of chein
i Istry, who is always experimenting,
thought his three attractive children
! too lethargic, and so he administered
I a diet of yeast. The result has been
prompt and effective. According to
neighboring observations, the profes
sor will have to prescribe sedative
next time.
Not Qualified for the Job.
Father (Impressively ) "My son, I
want you to he very attentive to your
new teacher, who Is a man of wide
and general information. He can
teach you everything you need to
know." Small Hoy (derisively) "He?
He don't know nothin'! Why, he
can't even tell who's pltchln' In the
league teams."
Singular and Plural.
Whenever she gets to thinking how
much they're In debt It affects her
nerves." "Hub! the way It affects
her husband Is singular." "How sin
gular?" "Just singular, It affects his
'nerve.' He tried to borrow a hundred
from me to-day." Catholic Standurd
and Times.
Catching Pigs with Baryta.
An old practice of gypsies was to
poison pigs and then eat the flesh
when thrown away by the farmers.
This poison was carbonate of baryta,
and was safe, provided all parts that
were near the entrails were carefully
washed and soaked. Qypslea call it
"diab."
The Little Cuss.
A llama looks as Innocent as an
officer man In the Salvation army
He chews no tobacco, but he can spit
into a man's eye 12 feet away and
never touch an eyelash, and oh, how It
stinks and stings. Little boy, don't
tease the llama. New York Press.
The Way to Happiness.
To look fearlessly upon lifer to ac
cept the laws of nature, not with meek
resignation, hut as her sons, who dare
to search and question; to have peace
and confidence within our souls
these are the beliefs that make foi
happiness. Materlinck.
Be Carefull
The woman of the house where
you're Invited to dinner may insist
that she has nothing In the house "fit
to eat," but we wouldn't advise you
to criticise the heaviness of her bread
or the sogglness of her cake. Los An
geles Express.
Disadvantage.
"Don't you realize that you are
financially handicapped by had roads?"
"Of course we realize It," answered
Farmer Corntossel. "No antomobillst
dares travel fast enough to give us an
excuse for collectln' a fine."
Literal.
"What shall I write about?" acked
the lazy reporter of the busy editor
"Right about face!" snapped the edl
tor. And, taking him at his word
the reporter wrote an article on the
care of the complexion.
Unfortunate Emulation.
A North Carollnan recently eloped
with three women on the same train
And it seems that events will persist
In showing that Solomon lived foi
nothing. Salt Lake Tribune.
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A WAITING GAME.
An old gentleman, rather P'Htly,
and clad in a somewhat yi.uihful suit
of light gray flannl. sat on a ben"h
in the park enjoylni; the sprlnr; day.
"What's the matter, sonny?" ha
asked a small urchin who lay on the
grass just neross the walk and stan-rt
Intently at Mm. "Why don't ytru go
and play?"
"Don't want ter," the boy replied,
carelessly.
"Hut It Is not natural," the old gen
tleman Insisted, "for a boy to be so)
quiet. Why don't you run about?"
"Oh, I'm Just wait In'," the little fel
low answered. "I'm Just waltin' till
you get up. A man painted that
bench about 15 minutes ago."
Sketchy Hits.
UNLUCKY THIRTEEN.
Grace There goes Mrs. Wrinkles.
She has been married and divorced
twelve times.
Helen Indeed! I wonder If sh
will marry again.
Grace I hardly think so. She is
superstitious.
Good Judgment.
ThiiHv (nll tliat hn would wrltA a book
Wlion lii vnn out of ilurauce vlln,
And douhtlfKR Hull's what cuused the
JllilW
To Rfnd lilin back thrre for a wlitlo.
Lucky Jumbo,
"Life with you must be monot
onous," remarked the monkey, as
he swung by bis tall In the park
too.
"Why so, my friend?" queried the
lazy Jumbo.
"Well, all you have to do In to sit
here all day and be stuffed with
peanuts."
The elephant smiled an elephantine
smile,
"That may be, my friend; but I'd
rather be here being stu'.Veil with
peanuts than over In Afrlc being
stuffed for a inum'Uiu exhi'iit."
.Which showB thnt even an ele
phant knows a good thing when h
sees It.
Suspected a Rival.
"And you broke your engagement
with the learned Hoston man?" inter
rogated the pretty girl.
"Yes, Indeed," responded her chum,
with a pout, "he has too much brass
about him for mo."
"Brass?"
"I should say ho. Why, do you know,
we had not been engaged two weeks
before he came around with n vol
ume of poetry under his arm and said:
'I love Virgil.' lil just bet be
had some other girl named Virgil giv
ing him books of poetry when I'm not
around."
PRECAUTION.
"Why do yon always go out on the
balcony when I beln to sing, Johnf
Can't you bear to listen to me?"
"It Isn't that, but I don't want the
neighbors to think I'm n wifc-beater.'
History of a High Finnrrijr.
He tollt-J for w'ltli Ivitli nly! ' ..::! d.iy;
A chance to Kln ho nov'r missed.
.At IhM Ih (mil 'noiii;h to pay
Tlio cot of a norvo Hpcclallst.
At Defined.
Little Edna . (reading) Say, rr.nm
nia, what Is a lack of artist''' ta'.te?
Mamma It Is the feeling, my dear,
that prompts a baldhiaded mm wit!i
red whiskers to wear a black wig.
Did She Get a SpanMng7
"How gracious your mother is to
you, little girl."
"That's because you're here,
mam."
At the Exhibition.
He Tli,ere seems to be f':wcr lights
here than there wore. Inst year.
She Oh, yes; they've Improved tb
place a lot lately.
Ont Point of View.
"Is thiB war of Spain with Morocco
what they call a 'holy war?' "
"Well, the Spanish people seem to
think It Is a wholly unnecessary ot,