With the World's e
Great Humorists
Selections from ibc Writings of the 'Best Knotvn
Makers of Mirth,
The Jinxs7 Quarrel
By JUDD MORTIMER LF.WIS.
Jinx looked up .from the paper lie
was reatliiiK. and his wife laid hr
book aside and waited.
'Well?" said she finally when Jinx
had watched her unseelngly (or at
least a minute. "Yon showed all the
symptoms of getting ready to read a
joke; go ahead and read it."
"This is no joke, dear; I have just
lieen reading where a whole regiment
of schoolchildren have been vaccin
ated. These poor innocent little chil
dren were compelled to hare their ten
der little arms and submit them to
the cruel knife."
"Well, what of it? There Is no more
dreadful disease than smallpox, and
now those dear little children with
the tender arms are ftrever proof
against that terrible disease.
"But, dear, you don't bcwu to un
derstand." "It Is you who don't se?m lo under
stand." "But I do understand! That virus
which the doctors Introduce Into the
veins of the poor little children In the
most deadly kind of poison and is
likely to kill these children!"
"I don't care; vaccination Is ail
right!"
"But, dearest, It Is not all right, it
Is all wrong! Think of the hundreds
of innocent lives of little children that
have been sacrificed. I tell you that
the doctors who vaccinate, the men
who pass the compulsory laws anil the
parents who submit to it are no better
than murderers!"
"Jinx, do you dare to stnnd up there
and tell me that I am not better than
a murderer!''
"Why, dear, you know I didn't! Hut
just think dear of all those little green
graves!"
Jep Moore's
By J. W.
Jep Moore was in love with the
girl. That was as plain as the nose on
his face which was about the plainest
that ever a man stuck into a handker
chief. But he was not to the manner
born and although he feared no man,
he had been mortally afraid of women
as far back as he could remember,
say about 27 years; come next month.
If he could have shoved out bis good
right arm and punched the lady in the
face he would have been at case, but
to shove it out to put It around her
waist was too many for Jep. That
was the reason ho had been courting
Mollie Stewart for nearly two years
and had arrived nowhere much. Hut a
girl, and a pretty one at that, won't
stand for everlasting procrastination
whatever she nia think of the man,
3
She Welcomed Jep Cheerfully.
and Jep began to observe that Mollie
was having more gentlemen company
than he liked to see around so often.
Me didn't dare say anything, but hu
proposed to do something and that Im
mediately. Which was why he hitched his horse
at her gate that evening and pounded
up the walk to the porch where she
sat all alone waiting for him. lie had
Informed her by the Farmers' Tele
phone line. In which he owned stock,
that he was due to arrive at that hour.
"Say, Mollis," he said with sudden
energy, "what would you do If you was
the moon and I was the sun?"
It was not quite the flattering way
to put It, but Jep was awkward and
all he thought of was that the moon
was' mighty pretty just then and so
was Mollie.
"Really, I don't know, Jep," she re
plied, perplexed by the unexpected In
quiry. "Can't you guess?"
"Of course I can't. I couldn't be the
moon, could 1?"
"You could be the moou as easy as
I could be the sun, couldn't you?"
"I suppose so."
"Well, Just le's s'pose, we was them;
then what?"
Mollie studied a moment and the
feminine In her assorted Itseif.
"Well, 1 suppose, Jep." she said
laughing lightly, "If I was the union
and you was the sun, I'd aw;.y when
you come."
Jtp hadn't thought where :hi con
'Where did all those terrlbl deaths
happen t.li't have worried you (to?"
"All rifht, sneer if you want to!
Our children shall not be vaccinated!"
"Tiiey ahull be vaccinated!"
"I say they shall not! I will prevent
I if I have to tight ull the courts in
Christendom. The chance of their
ever catching smallpox Is not greater
than one In a million, and even if they
do catch It science is so far advanced
A Whole Regiment of School Children
Have Been Vaccinated.
that it is no longer dangerous or
dreadful. No pits remain, and it is no
worse than a bad cold."
"Now you are talking silly! Our
children shall be vaccinated even if I
Courtship
LAMPTON.
versation would lead and he was
wholly upset by her answer. He sat
speechless.
"Bui, I'm not the moon, Jep," she
added quickly, "because you see I
didn't go away when you come'."
"Horn the sun and the moon, Mol
lie," lie said, hitching his neck up
through his 'collar .' he could "get
mote air; "I didn't come over here to
night to talk astronomy. What I come
fer was to know why the dickens you
don't marry me!"
Mollie was not agitated. It was not
The Subardency
By J. W.
Being inspired to nobler and higher
things, Mrs. I'ptosnuf laid off her cor
sets, gave her switch to the cook, in
vested her feet with flat-heeled broad
soled shoes and became a clubwoman.
The switch was brown and the
cook's hair was red, but Mrs. I'pto
snuf's generosity did not aim to be
logical.
To Mrs. I'ptosnuf was assigned the
task of preparing a paper on the Sub
ardency of the Manifest an engaging
topic, to be sure. She did not know
what it might be, but it was splendid
club stuff and gave her much oppor
tunity to make a hit.
In the meantime, there was the
baby, to whom the Subardency of the
Manifest was not so necessary as oc
casional baths and uncontaminated
milk. Mrs. I'ptosnuf engaged a nurse
girl from Mrs. Fuzzywuff's School for
I laughters of Splendid Families In
Temporarily Reduced Circumstances.
The nurse girl's name was Clarissa
and she was shy, sweet and unsophis
ticated as her name. "1 will be just
as good to it as its own mother," she
declared, when she saw the baby,
which was saying much or little, as
you (dioose. Then she goo-gooed to
tlie baby and Mrs. I'ptosnuf went to
the club meeting perfectly satisfied
the baby was in competent bands. For
had she not seen the Fuzzywuff di
ploma? "And nurse," Mrs. I'ptosnuf called
back from the front hallway, where
she stood with a bulky manuscript,
tied with yellow and white ribbon
(club colors), "you might give buby a
bath this afternoon and then put him
In his little bed."
Now the Fuzzywuff school, being for
the daughters of Splendid Families In
Temporarily Reduced Circumstances,
taught much of removing spots from
soiled velvet but little of battling ba
bies, and Clarissa pondered much and
long.
How to prepare n bath? She had
never seen it in the Fuzzywuff manual
of domestic forms. She would see the
cook. But the cook must not know
she was Ignorant. She must Inquire
diplomatically. So she went timidly
down to the cook with the red hair
and the brown switch and asked her
how to prepare a bath for soft and
delicate things something that would
cleanse thoroughly nnd not Injure the
softest fabrics.
Clarissa was n born diplomat. When
the cook told her. she went back up
st:i!rs and rejoiced much.
So baby had his bath and was put
have to take them from their little
beds and fly with them throng.1) thfc
night to the home of my father!"
"Oh, look at F.llza crossing the Ice!
"That's right, sneer at me! Pok6
fun at me! Abuse me! But I stand
here, by Jinx, and I tell you that they
shall be vaccinated!"
"All right, we shall see about that!
I'll show you whether I am n man or
whether I am a mouse!" and Jinx
went out to feed the chickens. When
he returned to the house supper wait
on the table and he sat down to rnt.
while Mrs. Jinx, with red nose and
swollen eyes went and threw herself
upon the bed.
Jinx munched a few mouthfuls In
silence; but the steak seemed to be
full of cries, the coffee tasted of tears
and the first muffin he broke apart
made him think of a broken heart! He
sat with bis chin In his palms staring
at the wall for fully five minutes. Then
with a sigh of resignation he arose
and went Into the bedroom and kneel
ing by the bed put his arm about his
wife's neck and drew her to him.
"Ilearest!" he whispered in her
ear.
"You don't love me!" sobbed she.
"They shall be vaccinated," said
Jinx.
"N-n-o they shshan't!" sobbed she.
"I think vaccination is horrid!"
"Dear! We will let them decide It
for themselves!"
Suddenly Mrs. Jinx sat up and
smiled through her tears until her
face looked like a June day after a
sun shower.
"Mv goodness!" exclaimed she, "I
have just thought of something!"
"What is it. dear?"
"We haven't any children!"
"By fleorge!" was all Jinx could
say.
(Copyright, 19t(t. by W. O. Chapman.)
her first proposal, though it was dif
ferent. She looked up at him and
smiled. Jep began to feel wobbly In
the knees.
"Well. Jep." she replied slowly, "If
1 can give you one good reason will
you forgive me?"
This sounded like Sunday-school
talk and Jep felt the seriousness of It
"Of course, 1 will, Mollie, but" he
hesitated.
- "The reason is. . Jep, "she inter
rupted, "that you never asked me."
After that it was so plain that even
Jep could grasp the situation, which
he did. Including Mollie.
(Copyright, VMi, t.y V. J. Chapman.)
of the Manifest
FOLEY.
in his little bed.
But when Mrs. Uptosnuf returned
from the club, there was much commo
tion and running to and fro.
Baby had erupted with a rash re
sembling measles or scarlet fever.
The family doctor was summoned
hastily, looked long and marveled
much. "Let me see the nurse," he
said gruffly.
Clarissa came timidly, but with that
calm confidence horn in the Fuzzywuff
diploma. Being a plain man the doc
tor said: "What In blazes did you put
on the baby?" And being u truthful
"She Went Timidly Down to the
Cook."
girl and thoroughly competent to
speak In polite circles, Clarissa said
"I bathed him In one gallon of warm
water, u bar of shaved soap, a quart
of gasoline and a teacupful ol
borax."
Which was the cook's favorite pre
scription for dollcate fabrics.
So the doctor wrote a prescription
and banded It to Mrs. I'ptosnuf
headed. "For Mrs. I'ptosnuf's Baby,'
and which read:
tRx) Personal attention of
mother, 21 hours.
Sig: Apply every day.
And for Clarissa he advised light
work in the family laundry where her
genius might flame unquwiched.
But when the brute I'ptosnuf heard
of It, he kicked the Subardency of the
Manifest into (lie grate, where the yel
low and white ribbon (club colors)
perished miserably.
tC'opyritht, 1SJ, by V. 0. Chapman.)
RUSSIAN OFFICERS PARDONED.
Lieut. Gen. Stoessel and Rear Admira'
Nebogatoff Are Released from
Priion.
Sf. Petersburg. I.ieut. C.en. Anatole
M. Sioessel and Hear Admiral Ncbo
gatufl have been released from con
finement in i he fortress of St. Peter
and St. Paul by order of Kmperor
Nicholas. The health of both men
has been gravely affected by their
confinement,
tl'-n. Stoessel was found guilty by
court-martial of surrendering the fort
ress of Port Arthur to the Japanese
ami was serving a sentence of ten
years. Nebogatoff was sentenced for
the same length of time for surren
dering to the enemy at the bat
tle of the Sea of Japan. Stoessel be
gan his sentence March -0, P.tttS,
while Nebogatoff took up his quarters
lu the fortress April IT), 1007.
Hear Admiral (iregorteff and I.ieut.
Snivinoff, subordinate otlicers tinder
Gen. Stoeitel.
Nebogatoff In the Russo-Japanese wht,
were pardoned and released from the
fortress of St. Peter and St. Paul a
month atso. These officers had been
sentfiiied to death for having sur
rendered their commands, but. In view
of extenuating circumstances their
sentences were commuted to ten
years' imprisonment, which they be
gun serving In P.m".
During their stay In the fortress
each prisoner had a large, bright, well
warmed room. Before their windows
the fortress gardens stretch down to
the Neva, beyond which stands the
winter palace, once the winter home
of that other prisoner who spends
most of his time In Tsurkoe Selo.
In each room were a field bed, a
large and a small table, a few (hairs,
a wardrobe and a washstand. The
windows are covered with Iron lat
tice work. At eight o'clock In the
morning the prisoners were served
with tea and their newspapers were
taken in. The sailor takes four news-
piper-and Is a keen follower-of pol
ities. The soldier scarcely manages
to get through one journal.
At one o'clock luncheon of meat and
soup was served. The meal was not
aried much, but the food was ex
cellent. After luncheon the prison
ers generally walked in the gardens.
At six dinner was served, a light
meal. At nine tea was served for the
last time.
The prisoners read as late Into the
night as they cared to. Twice a week
visitors were admitted, the first day
being confined to their wives. Twice
a month the prisoners took a bath In
tfce fortress bath and on great holi
days they attended service In the
famous fortress cathedral under a
convoy of soldiers.
BULL TO PACE HORSES.
The Animal Is a Four-Year-Old, Full-
Blooded Jersey, and as Docile
as an Old Cow.
Boston. A fourye.nr-old full-blooded
Jersey bull will pace to harness in the
Four-Year-Old Bull, Which Is to Pace
Against Horses.
i.W class In Pennsylvania this year
The bull Is owned by Dr. James (J
Chancy, an old horseman, ami John
II. Ross of Waynesburg. These men
discovered the bull when a year old
in Maryland. At that time some boyr
were breaking him to harness, and
several months later the animal wtu
purchased and his training was con
tinned. He paces to a track sulky In
a two-minute harness, with bits ami
hopples, such as any light horse would
have. He Is docile as an old cow, ac
cording to Mr. Ross, and for pastime
he iu ridden lo saddle by the owners
He is the idol of children, who fre
quently ride astride his back. Tht
bull has done the half mile in 1:L'J
and his owners are cofldeut he can di
the mile in less than 2::i0. He hn
wind as good as any horse, and Dr
Chancy and Mr. Ross are now making
arrangements to match the bull
against trotting horses as an exhibi
tion.
The latest Japanese bank notes are
printed in Knglhh as well tu JapRnesw
tl.uri.l tlTB.
l'"7t If-T" L 1 1 S I it. n
uy nit- i uunLYAnUQ) m
pmJm Mi !
ill Tf V SNuiS
tr i' .:" - I
VOUf1G.PRECRin rfLCVN
The distribution of birds of prey in
the Highlands ut the present day fur
nishes n striking object lesson in the
effects of protection on any given
species, says a writer in Country Life.
In the middb' of last century, when
game preservation as a source of In
come began to be considered an asset
of the country, there were few sports
men who realized bow easily and
quickly any lion-migratory bird could
be exterminated. At that period
birds of prey were unquestionably too
numerous, and game could sen reel y
have been expected to flourish under
such conditions. Our forfathers, per
haps better sportsmen than their de
scendants, skilled In all manner of
woodcraft and content with small
bags obtained by their own unaided
efforts, were moro tolerant and for
bearing towards the birds and beasts
of prey than we have since proved
ourselves to be. The rising value of
sport, however, marked the com
mencement of a relentless warfare
against all marauders other than man
himself, a warfare which has contin
ued to the present day and threatens I
to exterminate many of our most in
teresting species, which, once van
ished, can never be replaced. The
position of many of our birds of prey
Is a matter of the greatest concern
to ornithologists and sportsmen alike,
for th"rc are few sportsmen who
would knowingly exterminate a spe
cie's whose members are already so
few as to cause no concern to game
preserves. The harm done by the few
pairs of eagles, peregrines and buz
zards which still survive Is not worth
consideration, and the fact that most
of their prey is obtained in the deer
forests lenders their presence desir
uble, rather than otherwise, in many
of the latter.
Of the British eagles, two species
have already vanished, or almost van
ished. Kxperlence shows that we
cannot hope for migrants to take their
place. The sea eagle Is now but rare
ly seen on our coasts, and the fishing
eagle, the graceful osprey, is no lon
ger a familiar feature of our inland
lochs. On some lone islet or surf
beaten rock an odd pair may survive,
but for most of us they are but mem
ories of the past, and never again
may we watch them as in days gone
by. The golden eagle Is the only one
remaining to tis. For him alone of his
race protection came not In vain. The
preservation of this grand species Is
the only bright spot In the history of
the British eagles. In some districts
the king of birds Is actually increas
ing; almost everywhere be holds his
own. This Is due entirely to the
action taken by proprietors to protect
the eyries, and to the courteous for
bearance shown towards the birds by
the great majority of shooting tenants
lorbeantneo which Is, unfortunately,
not accorded to them In the south,
where the appearance of any large
bird of prey seems to be regarded as
the signal for Its destruction. The
buzzard, in appearance closely re
sembling the golden eagle when on
the wing, though easily distinguished
by its smaller size, has in the past suf
fered for the sins of its bolder neigh
bors, for of all birds of prey this Is
the least harmful to game; mice,
voles and carrion form its diet, and it
is probably quite Incapable of striking
down any game-bird on the wing un
less the latter Is weakly or wounded.
In (light slow and heavy and by na
ture a coward, common sense will
show us that the character of this
species quite belles Its predatory ap
peal ante. Yet in spite of these facts,
which have been proved times with
out number, keepers continue to shoot
these harmless birds on their migra
tion in autumn, the period when the
young birds, driven away by their
parents, are seeking iresh quarters.
If proprietors would Inc lude buzzards
iu their orders for the protection of
eagles something might be gained. Of
nil our birds of prey, the buzzaid is.
at the present moment, most In need
(.' protection.
Two other species italm our atten
tion the kestrel and the n.t both
k t r- o
YbVNGlL0m-fCRLD.OWL
of which the writer has turned out in
considerable numbers during the last
few years. It is. indeed, a treat fot
the bird lover to see these lesser fal
cons losing their fear of man day by
day, to watch them from the window
hunting mice in the meadows below
hovering, perhaps, within a few yards
of the watcher, then pouncing with
lightning swoop on some hapless
vide, pausing to devour their prey be
fore ones very eyes. To naturalists,
the fact that the writer had three
kestrels nests under observation
in 1 MOM In a small pine wood may be
of Interest, as showing that there Is
comparatively little antagonism be
tween individuals of this charming
species. In the case of one of theso
the bold behaviour of the adult wuh
conspicuous, and the female- would
almost allow me to handle her on the
nest. It was conjectured that she wan
one of those liberated In the prevlotm
year; one of a brood which hnd be
come exceptionally tame before being
released. With certain exceptions the
kestrel Is always harmless to gome.
In the case of il'J nests out of 100 thfl
kestrels will be found to be bringing
fur I, e., mice, voles, etc. to the
oting, and the benefit thus conferred
on farmers is enormous.
With merlins this is by no means
the case, and young grouse are often
the principal food of the family; but
at no other period of the year are.
they destructive to game. Owing to
the fact that they nest on the ground
and In the most secluded places they
are not easy to locate, and to thin
they often owe their safely. The num
bers of kestrels In the Hlghlnnds are
apparently on the Increase, and It
seems now to be generally recognized
that they Hie worthy of encourage
ment. Both kestrels and merlins are
to some extent migratory, and the lat
ter seem less able to lend for them
selves when the ground Is covered
with snow, departing southward at
the approach of winter. It is n curi
ous fact that grouse are aware that
the kestrel U harmless, nnd thyt the
cock grouse will boldly attempt to
drive the "wind hover " away from nest
or br I should the little falcon ap
proach too near when hunting for
mice. On the approach of the pere
giine, however, he crouches close tc
the ground, well knowing that no
courage will avail him here.
A few words In conclusion as to the
owls, of which we need only consider
three species the tawny, the Irng
eared and the short-eared, for the
barn-owl, common in the south. Is u
tar a avis in the Highlands. The ap
pearance of the short-eared owls In
autumn marks the approach of win
ter, und the regularity with which
they arrive at the time of the flight
has earned for them the name of the
woodcock owl. A few of these remain
to breed with us, and In time more
may be Induced to follow their ex
ample If they are cnrelully protected.
GOT HIS MORNING'S HOT MILK.
Thoughtful Friend Turned the Trick
and Landlady Received Credit
for Thoughtfulness.
"Living in a bourdlng place is not.
without Its objections," confided W. B.
McCarthy to bis friend over heir
noonday lunch. "For Instance, I'd like
some hot milk In the morning. There's
no reason why I should have It,
health's good and all that, but I've ta
ken a fancy to Lot milk for breakfast.
When I draw up to the table, I think
to myself how nice it would be if 1
Just had a bowl of hot milk. But if I
were to ask for it, every boarder In
the house would be wauling the same
thing. That's the way it goes" in a
boarding house. And I don't like to
make myself a nuisance to the land
lady. The other day I said I'd like
some toast. No one else hud thought
of such a thing before, but everybody
had to have some of my toast when it
came In. And there you are."
' Too bad McCarthy can't get n little
swallow of hot milk in the morning,"
thought McCarthy's friend as he sut
at his desk that afternoon. "Mebby I
can fix things." He reached for the
phone and called up McCarthy's land
lady.
"This Is Mr. McCarthy's physician,"
he told her. ' 1 wish you would set.
to It that lie gets all the hot milk he
can drink exery morning. Hive it tc ,
111 in Instead of (offee or tea. You see
his nerves are iu a bail way, and if be
doesn't get hot milk for breakfast we'll
have to send him off to a sanitarium
Don't say anything to him about in,
calling. Just see that he gets that hot
milk. Thank you very much,"
And ever since then, McCarthy hue
been drugging about whut a mind
reader his landlady is. "Just sort oi
knows what I want almost us soos ut
I know myself." he says. "Never snw
unpthliiK like it." - Cleveland l'lala
lah r.
KJ
