CE A LIFE SAVER
With the World's c
Great Humorists
Selections from the Writings of the "Best Kjnobun
MaKers of Mirth.
Secretary Dickinson Rescued an
Aged Man from River.
Hugged by Mr. Taft, but When All
Detroit Wanted to Make a Hero
of Him, Chief of War Depart
ment Ran Away.
Reduced to the Ranks
By J. W. FOLEY.
(Being a letter from William Gay
toy, just oft the college baseball
'.earn, to his brother Bob, written from
i small town in the country.)
My Dear Bob:
Have you a couple of twenties yon
an send down here Into the bush
antll salary day comes around again?
; am out of the major league class
tnd the old gentleman has sent me
Tito the tall grass until I get over
ny Charley-horse. I am the ostensi
ole manager of one of the old gentle
nan's branch houses down here, with
t devil of a bookkeeper as the watch
log of the treasury. lie Is one of
those old faithfuls you read about in
Dickens, and never a scratch of the
jen will he muke on a check until he
lets O. K. from the old gentleman.
'Ie is deaf in the sympathetic ear, the
)ookkeeper is, and when I go to him
tor an advance on next month's pay
le gets writer's cramp in his pitch
ing arm. The old gentleman is hard
is a granite wall this time. He si"s
I'm not built for fast company and
I'll have to play in a bush league un
til I get my head and am able to lo
tate them when they come over the
pan and don't bite at the wild ones.
When he got my batting average from
ny major league engagement he cut
ue off the salary list and sent me
down here as extra man.
I don't know exactly what was the
xatter with my playing but the old
gentleman said it wouldn't do. He
jent me up to Andover when I came
9ut of school and put me up near the
bead of the batting order with a lot
of veterans who have been on the dia
mond for !. years. I made good at
the Btart, drove out a homer or two
and cleaned the bases when runs
counted, and I had a letter from the
old gentleman offering me a place
as playing manager of the Andover
concern if 1 held up my average.
"He Is Deaf in the Sympathetic Ear."
Thei I got swelled. Let a fellow
ma..e a homer In a .close game and
he's apt to think he can go through
the season on his record. The bleach
ers will stand that for a while but if
you fan once or twice at a critical
moment or bunt out a few easy rol
lers they're apt to rise up and carol
for your release. That's the way It
was with the ol; gentleman. I
thought 1 was the only one in the
bunch who could stick better than
300 and il was me to the race course
on afternoons when the firm needed
good men with the willow. The old
gentleman wrote up once or twice
that he heard I was slow on the base
lines and was apt to go out Maying
when there was a game on at tho
dress goods counter. The fans had
mo swelled with the notion the old
gentleman wouldn't , dare send me to
the bench. 1 wrote the old gentle
man 1 could drive one to the club
house whenever I wanted to, but that
I was young, with an infinite rapacity
for enjoyment, and If he didn't crowd
me Id settle down after while Into a
steady sticker. Hut he wrote back
that gate receipts were what
counted and he bush-leagued me for
fair. That's why I'm here.
It's a general merchandise game
down here. The diamond Is small
and tho fence is only about 30 feet
back of the base lines. Anybody can
drive one over. H takes them about
two weeks to get the figures from the
big games up on the score board and
I feel like Christy Matthewson in the
box against the high school team.
If I stay here six months I'll bo
able to sleep all through a champion
ship series between the Nationals and
the Americans in tho front row of
the grand stand. Have pity, Hobby,
and send me the two twenties. I want
to run up to the city and see If they
Etill get news by telegraph.
Your affectionate brother,
BILL.
'Copyright, HKi9, by W. G. Cliniunan.)
Cincinnati, O. There Is an incident
in the lite of J. M. Dickinson, secre
tary of war, which his innate modesty
w ill not permit him to discuss.
It happened some 12 or 15 years
Ro, the year the American Bar asso
ciation met at Detroit. The business
session had come to a close, and that
evening the party went up the Detroit
river in yachts for an excursion. They
were late returning. It was pitch
dark.
One of the members of tho party
was .lames J. Joy, then about SO years
old, one of the prominent and distin
guished men of Detroit, and otherwise
Identified with the bust commercial.
social and political interests of his
state. lie died some years ago.
Mr. Joy started to leave the boat
by the gangplank. The darkness de
ceived lit in and what he cupposcd was
the wharf was one of tho shadows
The King's Kibosh
By JUDO MORTIMER LEWIS.
Once upon a time there was a king
jf the east. There was a chalk line
running around the earth from north
to south, and this chalk line was the
King's promenade.
One pleasant spring morning be put
n his little green hat with the cute
little bow In the back and calling Don
lohn Keep, one of the retainers of the
(astle and all else that was not nailed
town, and said to him:
"John, thou knowest that I am a
monarch of great rank."
' "That don't bother me none, your
najesty," replied John. "You know 1
ain't got no sense of smell."
"And thou knowest, Don John
Keep," continued the king, "that the
cing of the west Is a haughty and
grasping man, rooting where he has
ill l
"Don't be a fool!" snapped the King
of the West. "If you have ever read
a fairy story you know the hero never
turns back! Lead me to her!"
"Well, where Is she?" asked the
King of the West when they were gath
ered about the couch whereon re
posed the royal mother-in-law.
"That's it."
"Are ou trying , to hand me a
lemon?"
At this remark a shudder shook the
form of the sleeping mother-in-law.
"Her nose Is crooked!" continued
the king.
At this remark the mother-in-law's
hand went to the sleeping mother-in-law's
nose.
"She has false teeth!"
"Thou liest, caitiff!" hissed the
mother-in-law without batting an eye.
"And she Is sixty if"
A miracle! The mother-in-law awoke
and struck the floor running, and It
was the King of the West whom she
was after, though the King of the East
left so suddenly that he did not know
this. He went out of the door going
due north and he came Into his back
door, through the summer kitchen, the
hallway, the bath-room, the best par
lor, over the center table and out into
the hall just In time to see his own
coat tails disappearing out of the
front door. As he sat on the back
steps that night knocking the sand out
of his shoes there was a royal flush
of pleasure on his cheek and he told
himself: "Well- I got the kibosh on
both of them all rlghtsky! And I nm
Just bound to be called 'The Roosevelt
of my generation!' The trouble with
me has been that I never had the
right incentive to make that run be
fore to-day."
With a sigh of satisfied ambition he
went upstairs, slapped his wife, kicked
the cat and went to bed, and lived
happily forever after.
tCupyrlKbt, 1909, by W. G. Chapman.)
The Third Ingredient
By H. M. EGBERT.
"The Kibosh Escaped from Its Den
This Morning."
not sown, and butting In where he has
not been Invited. Now if I could only
get the kibosh on him the world would
be mine."
"Your majesty, I regret to inform
you that the kibosh escaped from its
den this morning."
"John!"
"Yes, your majesty."
"Suppose our mother-in-law goes for
a walk and runs across that poor ki
bosh! It Is the only kibosh in my
kingdom and I don't know how to
keep house without It."
"Why not advertise for It, your ma
lesty?" "Very well, Don John, do that. What
Is my wife's mother doing this morning?"
"She has been taking chloroform,
your majesty, so as to be r.ble to get
lome rest"
"Never mind, you don't owe the
kibosh anything. Go over Mid call up
the King of the West and tell him
'hat we have a sleeping princess over
here, and he must come and awaken
ber."
"But suppose he does awaken her.
your majesty."
"Then he shall have her hand In
marriage."
Later on the King of the West rode
Into the castle yard and asked to be
shown to the couch of the sleeping
princes.
"Let me beg of you not to make this
hazardous trial in which your life is
it stake!" begged the King of the
ast, trying to keep a straight face.
"I told you, refer, folks what uses
dynamite is fools," said Clansky, of
the third section of the Universal
Brotherhood, leering at his compan
ion through the darkness of the cel
lar. "You can't buy picric acid end
them things without the pollcemans
get after you. Gunpowder is made
easy, and it's Just as good, If you mix
it well and use enough."
"I tell you I don't like to do It,
Meester Clansky," his companion
whimpered.
"What?" hissed the Russian, assum
ing a minatory attitude, at which his
tool cowered instinctively. "What
did you say? Ain't you a downtrod
den proletariat?"
"Dot'B so," muttered the German.
"Then be one, Peter. Arouse, ye
slave. Isn't Schmltz a greedy,
grasping, bloodsucking landlord?
Didn't he fire you out of your Job be
cause you let the pollcemans find you
putting that horse Into his sausages?
Ain't he turned you out of this very
basement, to starve in the streets to
morrow, while he fastens like a leech
on the palethroatof the proletariats?"
"Dot's so," said the German, his
face flushing with anger at the re
membrance of his lost job in the
delicatessen shop overhead where
Schmltz, Ignorant of the conspirators
below, was counting up the receipts
of the day.
"You come to me, your friend" "said
Clansky. "I said, 'the Brotherhood
will stand by you In your struggle
against the capitalists. Wipe your
hands in his gore. Get sulphur, char
coal, and Baltpetre at three different
shops, and I'll show you how to mix
them.' And now you falter and
cringe before the oppressor."
"No, I don't, Clansky," said the
Gtrman, fired to resolution. "Where's
the bomb?"
"It Is here." said the Russian, dra
matically, opening the grip he had
brought with him. With infinite care
he took from it a heavy metallic ob
ject like a cannon ball, from one end
of which depended a long wisp of
fuse. He placed It firmly in position
against a cross beam.
"Down with the capitalists," he
en led, lighting the fuse; and ith
hasty accord they sought the rt-.fuge
of the streets. From the corner of
the block they awaited the inevitable
explosion. Nothing occurred. Clan
sky turned pale.
"Mein Gott, she's gone out," ho
wMspered. "Come back and light
her again."
They harried Into the basement.
And suddenly a figure leaped out of
the darkness like a tiger and felled
them to the ground.
"Trying to stink out my business,
you scum, are you?" roared Schmltz.
"Burning your punk balls under my
7N I
0
Q
"Where's the Bomb?"
delicatessen store." And with the
unrestrained fury of 200 pounds of sin
ew and bone he trounced them and
flung them groaning into the passage
way. The basement door slammed
In their faces.
"You miserable fool, Peter,"groaned
Clansky, as they nursed their bruises
in the corner saloon. "The fuse was
right. You must have bought the
wrong materials. What did yu get?"
"I got sulphur and charcoal and
salt." suld Peter, dolefully.
"Salt, you blockhead?" cried Clan
sky. "I said saltpetre. Not salt, but
saltpetre, petre, petre."
".la." answered the German. "You
said: 'Go to three different shops and
buy some sulphur, some chareoal,
aol some salt. Peter.' "
(Copyright, I!, by W. Q. chjnsM.)
ffl 01
PEDRO MIOUEL LOCH, LOOKltKi
Jacob M. Dickinson.
cast athwart the water. He steppad
from the boat out Into space. There
was a splash, a muffled cry, then
silence.
Dickinson was directly behind Joy
Ho did not hesitate an Instant. There
was no time to pull off a coat or kick
off shoes. It was a case of instant
action or no action whatever. An ex
pert swimmer. Dickinson required no
preparation. He plunged Into the
darkness and the waters below to
save a life if to save It were possible.
For a moment the waters closed
over him. then he came to the sur
face, treading water, and looking
about Within a few seconds he spied
Joy who was supported by the great
coat he wore, ballooning about him.
The octogenarian was growing feeble,
and help came just In time. Dick
inson seized the cape of the coat that
enveloped Joy and held him above
water.
The great danger that threatened
now was that he might be crushed
between the wharf and the boat. In
the meantime the excitement of the
situation had communicated itself to
the other members of the party, and
the engineer was warned in the nick
of time.
Dickinson's son, then a boy, now a
man engaged in business in Seattle,
was the first to render practical as
sistance. He caught up a coll or
rope and threw one end over. His
father grasped it, the boat's search
light having been turned on to aid
him in his work of rescue, and gave It
to Joy, who was yet able to cling to
it and help in some slight measure
those who then pulled him out of the
water.
Dickinson kept himself above water
until Joy had been rescued and his
own turn came. Then, his wet clothes
sticking to him and the water run
ning from them, he, too, was pulled
aboard. He was hurried Into a cabin.
The first man to enter It was Wil
Hani Howard Taft. one of the mem
berg of the bar association. He didn't
care how wet Dickinson was. He Just
threw both arms around him and
hugged hi in In the exurberance of bis
Joy and admiration.
"Thnt was a splendid thing you did
to-night, old man," he shouted.
The next day everybody mado a
hero of Dickinson. But Dickinson
couldn't stand it. It was entirely too
much for Mm. He just took a train
and sneaked away.
The New Force.
He (commonplace and buslncss)-
don't know what camo over me. but 1
felt an lrrestisiiDie impulse to buy a
new motor car.
She (unusual and psychic) That.
my cear, was auto suggestion.
It is predicted and hoped In official
circles that the Panama canal will be
completed and doing business by not
later than January 15. 1915. The only
Item of uncertainty as to the canal
being ready for vessels then Is the
length of time It will require to com
plete the big locks. These are to be
1.000 feet long, 110 feet wide and built
In duplicate to provide for the passing
of vessels going In opposite direc
tions.
By this method a series of locks and
huge dnms many feet above sea level
have to be constructed, the purpose
being to elevate the largest ocean-going
vessels a height of 85 feet above
sea level at one end of the canal and
permitting them to drop through the
sections of the canal, protected and
lowered by the locks to sea level at
the opposite end of the canaL
The canal as It Is being constructed
haa a width at the bottom of 300 feet
for 25 per cent of Its length. Fifty
per cent of the length the width Is
GOO to 800 feet, and for the remainder,
1.000 feet The locks are practically
the same as those In use In the "Soo"
canal, the latter being almost as large
as those being constructed tn the
Panama canal. Indeed, the "Soo"
canal has been constructed to carry
vessels fully as large as any that will
utilize the Panama canal
The total cost of the Panama canal,
when completed, Including Interest on
moneys as they are being expended;
cost of sanitation and government of
the zone and $r0,000.000 paid to
France by the United States govern
ment Is estimated at $375,000,000
when finally completed. President
Taft believes, and presents facts and
figures to substantiate his belief, that
a sea level canal would have cost ap
proximately 1477.000,000 and then
would not have been so safo nor expe
ditious In the carrying of vessels as
the lock plan.
One of the greatest difficulties to
have been confronted In the construc
tion of a sea level canal, were the
annual freshets of the Changres river
and the streams touring Into IL It Is
estimated that even with the most
elaborate and expensive dam facilities
that It would have been possible to
construct, at the period of high water
the canal current would have been at
least three miles an hour. The only
route of a sea level canal that was
completed and submitted for approval
made the turns and curvatures tn the
canal much more frequent than those
In the Suez canal. By the experience
of vessels In the Suez canal It Is es
timated that tn a current of this ve
locity In the Panama canal of a sea
level character, the danger to the ves
sels would have been such that com
merce would have been delayed a con
siderable portion of the year. In addi
tion to this would have been the diffi
culty of the larger vessels passing
each other while In motion. Being un
able to pass without one of them stop
ping and tying up would have been a
constant cause of delay of serious
consequence In the rapid handling of
traffic
Considerable of the recent criticism
of the lock canal as it Is being pushed
to completion arose as the result of
the sliding after an excessively heavy
rain fall of a part of the bank of the
Gatun dam. The whole mass that slid
lii this way was not more than 200
feet across, and nothing more than an
ordinary slide. Similar slides occur
frequently In the construction of rail
road banks and similar operations
where the banks are not properly bal
anced, and do not have the proper
slope.
The material taken out of the exca
vation contains a great deal of clay
which, as is well known. Is slippery.
It is tho positive statement of Presi
dent Taft, as well us of the foremost
engineers engaged in the work, that
future slides of this nature can be
provided against.
The many public Improvements un
dertaken by the Panama government
aud the establishment of new Indus
tries, of which note Is constantly be
ing made, render of significance the
tact that In the disbursement of
moneys tor 1909, public works and
COIT ft ACTCV&5 'MILL, LOVKHC fiOffTH
fKOn UULU ffLL.
public Instruction, taken conjointly,
nre apportioned tho highest propor
tion of budget expenditure. For tho
former nearly 2,0(0,000 are appropri
ated and nearly a million and a quar
ter for the latter.
According to Information furnished
by the consul general of the United
States at Panama, a special feature of
the present administration of national
affairs In the determination to Im
prove the harbors and highways of
the republic and to operate street car
lines for city traffic.
The appointment has boon made of
a chief engineer from the United
States who Is to report concerning
that section of the republic lying be
tween the rnnal zono and the Corta
Rlcan boundary, and between ibe Pa
cific ocean and the Caribbean sea. Al
ready n complete system of water
works and sewerage has bt-en Installed
In Panama and Colon, paving done and
roads constructed. Btiioolhouie and
public buildings have been erected or
are In process of construction In tho
principal towns, and the government
Is co-operating with the residents In
Improving special localities.
The steamship company operating
bet ween David and Panama has five
steamers on the line, which la proving
a paying investment Gold mining In
the vicinity of the Panama consulate
has given good results and the Santi
ago district has proven of value.
IS A PUZZLE TO SCIENTISTS
Austrian Wise Men at a Loss to Ac
count for Memory Displayed
by Idiot Boy.
An extraordinary case of memory
In a tenyear-old boy was presented'
at the last meeting of tho Vienna
Psychological and Neurological soclJ
cty, the New York Sun says.
Without a moment's hesitation he'
could tell the day of the week of any
date mentioned, also the name, day
nnd the date of the movable feasts In'
any year. He answered immediately
and accurately such questions as
"What day was June 14. 1S08?"'
"When Is Ash Wednesday, 1917?"'
"How long is the carnival in 1924?"'
"When Is Faster, 1929?" His answers
were given without . hesitation and
were Invariably correct.
Curiously enough, his range of mem
ory was bounded shnrply by the yenrsi
1000 and 2000 A. D. Before the first
named year or after the last tie knew
nothing of the cnlendar at all.
The boy Is the son of an army of-1
fleer, now dead. Asked how he could
give so promptly tho day of the week'
of any date In a thousnnd years he re-
plied by giving one of the existing
formulas for such matters, which he-
appeared to have learned out of an,
almanac.
The director of the asylum where'
the boy Is an Inmate said It was easl-
iy ascertained that ho made no use,
at all of such formulas. These forrau-;
las would not aid him In giving dates,
of the movable feasts, and, moreover,,
they apply equally to the years beforei
and after 2000 A. D. ;
It would appear that the boy's'
knowledge must be based In some,
way upon memorized material.
Soap Tree in Florida. J
Side by side grow the soap tree and
the tallow tree. The soap tree yields a
product from which Is manufactured
the purest article or soap that is pos
sible to be made. Indeed, the pulp of,
this berry Is a natural soap and will
make a lather almost like the manu
Icctured article. The soap berry tree
is now creating widespread Interest
and the berries are being Imported
trom Algiers and China.
It will pay to plant the trees nnd
look arter their cultivation. The prod
uct or the tallow tree also enters Into
the product or soap and the two to
gether make a nice combination, and
their cultivation should be looked
after by those Interested tn new in
dustries. Besides soap the soap ber
ries make a fine oil, and when the vir
tues of the tallow tree are fully known
It may also yield a fine and profitable
oil. The young man who now plants
out a ten or twenty acre orchard of
these two trees may drop Into au easy
tortune. Ocula Banner.
Doth Compatible.
"How Is Paiet, the artist, getting
on?
Very well, Indeed. He Is making a
success of his specialty In art"
"Why, I heard he bad gone to tbe
wall."
"So be has. He Is a mural decorator."