MR. JONES IN AN EMERGENCY.
Except for Single Unfortunate Inci
dent He Was Just the Man to
.Deal with It.
When Jones reached home the other
niijht he foam! Mrs. Jones huddled up
in a corner of the sofa weeping, ami
about four Inches of water on the
kitchen tloor.
The .Joneses hadn't been married
very Ions, ho he contented himself
with a general remark concerning the
nonrvsoiirccfuliicss of women und
asked how It li :i I ened.
"The water pipe under the fclnk
bars!," Mrs. Jones told him.
Jones smiled pityingly, walked de
liberately to the kilt hen closet and
produced a wrench. Opening the eel
Jar door with a confident uir he de
scended to the region below.
After bumping at least seven ob
stacles lie finally readied the wall and
reached out for the cock which ho had
noticed In a pipe which traversed tho
wall He applb'd his wrench and shut
U off.
Patting himself on the bark for be
ing able to cope, wllh an emergency,
he started back upstairs. Just half
way up the steps ho bumped into his
mitn.
Mrs. Jones was the first to speak.
(, dear," she said, "what In tho
WDtld did you turn ofT the naa for?"
Philadelphia Times.
Moving on Short Notice.
I was lying on the lloor of an old ,
country loghouse one summer day. ;
uear a Mr. open fireplace, when 1 1
heard n peculiar, frightened sipuak.
I got up to see what looked like a ,
hii!;e mouse moving at a very rapid
walk across the room. When I got
closer look I saw that it was a mother
mouse moving her whole family. At
least, I hope there was none left be
hind, for very soon a small snake, but
large enough to put Into a panic tho
mother of four less 1 linn half grown
children, came through the empty fire
place, and after the little fugitive.'
The mother mouse hail two In her
mouth, and fastened to either side of'
her, apparently holding on with their
mouths and for "dear life" were tho
other two. I killed the snake, and
watched the moving family disappear
through a hole In tho comer. St.
Nicholas. J
'JUDGMENT OF HUMAN NATURE.
But Cne Ir.falllble Way by Which
Test Can 3e t.'.z'i, Af.jrdina
to One Wntsr.
Poms people claim to make a study
of human nature. 7 hey will tell you
thy can pad chva ter at s'ht
know fans and wii.it they Index. Let
us smnt a'.l this '.o be so maybe tlry
ran. Then asraln, i::ayb, t'.my can't
they only think they can. i'aces don't
always tell tin? who!.! story. Hchind
the frown and the knittel brow may
lurk a hi heart and a soul full of
healing humor, lb hi:: 1 tho ca-.ij; ninth
may skulk the worst old wolf of a
temper you ever saw. Often you will
face a faro so clos 'd up you wouldn't
ask it for a cent, itching to subscribe
heavily to your half-dozen benevolent
schemes In your Inside pocket. Then
aaln a face so blind you think you
could sav "Ilriek"!brit" to K, and see
- i it cough up specie, like the donkey In
This Mixed-Uo World. I the fairy tale, will coir;h uo nothing
If things would not run Into each I A man tells me that to study human
MAGAZINE BAJIGA5NS.
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NOT THE SPEAKER'S PROVINCE
Orator to Follow Wat Proper Person
to Comply with Request of
Enthusiast.
lynchers of all denominations oc
cupied chairs upon tho platform. They
wen! giving their voices and Influence
!o the overthrow of a political boss.
Tho Presbyterian clergy mnn had the
'flr and most vigorously attacked the
enemy. He delivered some fierce, tell
ing thrusts, and the audience was
with Win. The boss received somo
mid jabs.
"That's right, soak him!" encour
aged a man with a stentorian voice
who had standing room in the rear.
As the clergyman warmed up to his
subject the Interrupting "soak him!"
came from the rear with greater pow-
ct and frequency.
The speaker paused. He was not
Irritated, but gently threw tho audi
ence Into a good n at u red hysteria by
saying:
'The Intentions of the gentleman
in the rear are good, but wholly Inop
pcitune and III advised. If he'll kind
iy reserve his comments for the next
aprakcr, Hrothor Herrlck of the Hap
tiat church, he'll bo accommodated,
o doubt."
other so, it would be a thousand times
easier, anl a million times pleasantcr
to get on In tho world. IM tho sheep
Iness be set on one side and the
goutiness on the other, and Immediate
ly you know where you are. It Ib not
necessary to ask that there be any In
crease of the one, or any diminution of
the other, but only that each shall
pre-empt Its own territory, and stay
thero. Milk Is good, and water is
good, but don't set the mllk-pall under
the pump. Pleasure softens pain, hut
pain embitters pleasure; and who
would not rather have his happiness
concentrate Into one memorable day,
that, shall gleam and glow through a
lifetime, than have It spread out over
a dozen comfortable common place,
humdrum forenoons and afternoons,
each one as like the other as two peas
in a pod? (Jail Hamilton.
nature in the wood you nsea to oe .
a person of lit'le Infl.ieree, and to go j
around with a sub ;eri:iion paper for :
somo religious or charitable object I
Then you find out. H'cause you have :
no personal Influence the cp.use looks !
the giver (or the non-glver right j
smack In the face, and th' nature of
the person concerned will be as evl
dent as an open-faced watch. Whether :
much, little or nothing be given mat ,
tors little, but the spirit matters a
whole lot so tho informant tells us
Salt Seasoned Timber.
A workman was packing salt about
a pile of timber. "Seasoning timber
with salt, eh? It sounds like a joke,
doesn't it?" ho said. "It Is often done,
though, especially In ship timber.
Ships built of salt seasoned timber get
a better Insurance rate. Some very!
rich woods are seasoned In boiling oil.
That's an ancient and costly process. I
A new dodge is electrical seasoning, j
With strong electric shocks the sap
Is driven out of the wood and replaced j
by a solution of borax and resin. The
scheme Is cheap; not half as good as
Bait."
TOUCHES THEIR TENDED SPOT.
Most Men Have Weakness for Being
Photographed on Horseback, Says
Observant Photographer.
A young man went out with a cam
era one morning not long ago and
took seven snap shots of early morn
ing horseback riders. He sent proof
of the pictures that turned out well
to the men who were photographed
and every one of the men sent him an
order to finish up a few of the pictures.
"Of course they did." said a more
experienced amateur photographer
when he heard about II. "A man will
always buy a picture of himself on a j
horse unless he's an unusually poor
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ridir and looks bad on a horse. No i rvnturv Maeazire
matter how modest a man s. yon ' Children's Maa:'.in
eatcli him at the nna 1 1nn? when you Chri-tiar. Herald (N. Y.)
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may
mounted on a good riding hcrse.'
True Man Shows His Worth.
Ford: Titles of honor add not to his
worth who Is an honor to his title.
Woke Up with a Thirst.
Qiippii Klizabeth of KnplanJ
puted to have drunk a quart
every day with her brrakfast.
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I'eople's limine Journal.. 15
Philistine 2.5)
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The NEWS-HERALD, Plattsmoulh, Nebraska.
.A.
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JUST CASE OF WANDERLUST.
The Characteristic Ka'ional Meal.
It Is not only In Scotland that break-
, fast is the rha-arleristin national
Family Starting to G,t Were Properly mraI Uwm nM.onl(.e
Sure They Must Land Up Some- , Travwl whire V011 niav lhp filRt moal
where Eventually. ()f tf)R ();iy ,3 thp onp th.u s.trik0!, (no
. ' foreisn note, luncheon and dinner
In tho RinoklnK car on a snuthfrn , havn(? Rr.,(lliallv absorb(,d rosn!n,in.
railroad, where they had sat up all , gn qiiatM thaf a,.p nnt pV(,n pjn.
nlcht. was a family conltlng ofhiw- flnpJ o hotpa ,ut you npvpr fpp,
hand, wife and ttve children They j so mm.h ()f fln Kn?llshnill M whon
were ruhbliiR Bleep from their eyea Swltl(,r,nn(, K,V)g you ,, blttPr
and wrangling wun earn uium whh j
a man entered the car and espied
I Che News-Rerald
TWICE A WEEK
TWICE A WEEK
I
them and advanced to say to me
man:
"Howdy. Joe I'm s'prlaed to see
you."
"Howdy, Tom?"
"Where you all BWlne?"
"Down to Harbor Tint, I reckon."
"Hut I thought you-all lived up at
Cherry Hill?"
"We did."
"What youall totln' away from
there fur?"
"Dun no."
"What youall gwlno to Harbor
Pint fur?"
"Dunno. Jest thouRht we'd ro."
"Oh, I see. You-all thought to Kt?"
"I reckon. Yes, thottRht we'd pit.
and we pulled up and started a Rlttln,
and If we keep on Ions 'nuff we sure
'nnff must git Btimwhar' or othfr."
"Yes, sure. Been aglttln' myRP'f
and always got there some day. It's
heaps better than never glttln' 'tall."
' In a Different Class.
"I hear, Mike, that your wife has
(rr.ne Into society. Has she become a
club woman yet?" "Indade an' she
has not got Into that class; she still
uk.es a flat Iron, sor."
In the Lion's Den.
riist Martyr (to second ditto)
Wall, old chap, there's one consola
tionthere won't he any after dluner
and houpy, and nothing more, with
your coffee, or when France makes
this Into one exquisite crumbling
"croissant," with an inch or two from
a yard long loaf, or when Denmark
adds cream instead of milk to the
coffee and a dangerous piece of pas
try to the black bread and round
white roll.
Yet our Kngllsh breakfast became
an Institution only In the eighteenth
century, liefore that only' royalty
breakfasted off meat, bread and
cheese and nle. The commoner, such
such as Pepys, took merely a morn
ing draught of buttered nle.
Married Women Must Work.
As long as women workers stop
work at marriage they will continue
to be. as a class, low-paid, over-worked
unskilled, looking only to the day and
never to the future, entering Industry
casually without training, retiring
from It unexpectedly without warning,
hard to organize Into trade unions,
hard to Interest In technical Improve
ments, hnrd to Inspire with financial
ambition, behaving, In every respect,
with the utmost good sense. Just ex
actly In the manner In which any
class of admittedly and consciously
temporary workers should behave. It
Is hard to believe that such a filia
tion can be right either for women or
for Industry. The women lose oppor
tunities. Industry loses abilities.
Everybody's.
PUMP AiR INTO DEAD WHALE.
Hunter's Pri;e Made Sufficiently Buoy
ant to Float, Marked with Buoy
and Set Adrift.
Then began the work of bringing
the whale to the surface and blowins
It up so that It would float. Taking a
hitch about, a convenient post, the
rop was slat-ked and run thronqh a
piinoy block at the mast head to re
lieve the strain of raising the great.
uouy. ine winch was set in mntio
and for 15 minutes nothing was heard
save, the monotonous grind as fathom
after fathom of line was wound In.
When fie body was brought alongside
the lobes of the flukes were cut off
and lifted to the deck. Then a long
coll of small rubber hose, one end of
which was attached to a pump and
the other to a hollow, spear-polnted
tube of steel with perforations along
Its entire length, was brought Into
play. The spear was jabbed well down
Into the whale's side, the air pump
started and the body slowly filind with
air. When Inflated sufficiently to keep
It afloat the tube was withdrawn tho
Incision plugged with oakum and tho
chains cast off. A buoy with a flag
was then attached to the carcass and
the whole set adrift to be picked up at
the end of the day's hunting. Popular
Magazine.
Immense Capital Lost.
Capital formerly Invested In build
ings at Messina Is calculated at about
$16,000,000, at RegRlo at 1,000,000.
The greatest portion of this Is Ir
revocably lost.
Art.
Almost any millionaire would be
willing to give up a large percentage
of his fortune If ha could tell the dif
ference be'.wcoD a masterpiece and a
daub.
Y
speeches. The Sketch.