THE ATUirDAYHM0RSIlO COURIER
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SHTUYliHlR
PUBLISHED SATURDAYS
BT TUB
COURIHR PUBLISHING 60.
L.Wkmki,, Jr.,
YV. Morton Hurra,
rrrlt!ont sml Msntft-cr,
Boeretsry and Tresauror.
Huilnot Offlco 1134 0 Btreet.
I'liono 253.
TKNMI OF IUMORIPTIONI
Thh Coustsa, on Jsr, in tdrauce. H.O0
fill months i 1.00
Threo months i. ........ BO
OORHMPONDBHOI.
fVnlvlltiiltfinB ntl nil rnmmiin'jAtlnnl
rela
tire to now and editorial mallet Mioultl be ad
taMMli. To the editor.
All trashiest Irttora and remlttancM tlionld
tx addressed lo Ths Comma t'uni.isniNa Co.,
Lincoln, Nth. Drafts, chw-ks . and itottoftici;
orders should bo made payable, to tin ordor of
tho company,
TIIK COURIER 1'UULIHHINO 00.
W. MORTON tMITH, ioitor.
Ci.kvki.and could roHloru conlldoneo
ml brltiK prosperity to thu ontlro coun
try In h single week's tlmo by just notify
dug his congressional wild colts to lot tlio
4urllT alone.
It im irotty hot wonthor, hut tho
nnthrnclto coal coiuhlno goes right ulong
luylng Kit wlroB. Tho uttornoy general
of tho United Slutea Is too bimy to boo
Anything wrong In nuy of tho (rout
nono)olloB.
IIkhii Most, who Ib itguln urging tho
anarchists to unfurl tho red tlntf, la tho
.gentleman who hid under tho bod of u
lady frlond wlien tho police wero after
bim h fow yearn ago. They dragged
.him out and ho nerved n short tlmo In
prison. When tho rod Hug Ib unfurled
llorr Most will bo out of Bight.
Samuki. Fir.Li)KN, tho reloiiHod nn
rchiBt, Bidd when ho returned to Chi
cago: "During my Imprisonment It
lawnod uon mo that Bllonco Ib a
proclous thing." Ho thoroforo declined
to talk except to docluro that ho had in
formor yoara spoutod too much, and ho
hould In futuro try to bo a good cltl
en. Tiro Now York Sun, which ronrewntn
the Tammany coiiBclonco and Mb higher
moral attributes, is now painfully worriod
over tho "2,000,000 that tho world's
fair doesn't propose to return to tho
United States treasury." When tho
world's (air commissioners got ready to
-settle they will not troublo Tammany or
its agents and advisors tor any opinion
or advice. .
Two worthy gentleman from Ber
muda, members of the houso of as
sembly, the representative legislature of
the islands, havo como to tho United
States to get tho duty on onions and
potatoes reduced. Tho BormudanB are
"verymuch concerned about tholr access
to our markets. There Ib a short,
sample, and easy method by which tho
DermudanB can effect for thomsolves
.not merely a reduction in tho American
tariff, but a total abolition ot our cus
toms duties upon the products of tholr
agriculture. They nood not pay a cont
to got their potatoes Into tho markots ot
the United States. Free trade between
Bermuda and our Atlantio ports would
be worth millions ot dollars to the people
of tbe Atlantio islands. Free trade can
be had by Bermuda through the satno
process and under the same conditions
as by Canada. Annexation is the road.
'There Is plenty ot room for Bermuda,
the Hawaii of the Atlantio, under tho
broad banner ot the. great andoxpan
alve continental republic ot tho twen
tieth century.
Thk utter hypocrisy ot tho whole per
iormance of the secretary ot tho inter
lor is shown in tho statomont that ovory
man who is drawing a ponslon under
the net for disability must bo absolntoly
incapacitated for all kinds of labor. The
most glaring case ot tho kind is found
in the person ot John O, Black, tho man
-selected by Cleveland himself during his
previous administration to take charge
-et the pension department Ho is rated
as a "physical wreck," that is a man re
quiring the constant attention ot an
attendant, and draws 8100 a month on
.
)this allegation ot his condition. Yot
Black accepted an appointment at tho
head ot a department, the work ot which
is sufficient to break down a well man,
let alone a "physical wreck," drow his
alary and pension with strict regularity,
and Is to-day a member of congress, not
withstanding the fact that he is drawing
one ot the biggest pensions paid because
he is supposed to be entirely incapacitated
Jot labor ot any kind.
Hoke Smith cannot see a case of this
magnitude because Black Is an influ
-ential democrat, but he can relieve his
smite by using his official position to
.harass the poor old raalned yetran, who
is drawing a pittance from the govern
meat wmen ne neipea to save
from the relatives ot Smith, in
'order to keep out ot the
aisaehouse. Congress is full ot rebels
-who are drawing pensions for service in
the Mexican war. They are not to be
- disturbed by thk era of alleged reform,
although they are able to draw a salary
of HjOOO A' year from the government,
msf sought to wreck. No dm obJeoU
toMMMStfOTtewof the pension roll,
I eaght not to so suds by nbakH tsaia, tswUafts ftatas
i fssaMsmea. , &??&
i
Opinions of Senator Jones and
Congressman Hendrix.
TWO INTKKVIKWM Ul'ON FINANCE.
flood llradlng For Those Who WUli to
Hear llulli flldet "Tim Dollar of Ilia
Cont Mel" Two Opposite hut Cmiiliil
Views.
IHprclsl Cirrrftntlcnre.l
THE SILVER SIDE.
New Your, July 27. Ibiiw Senator J.
P. .Ton fit of Nevada thin morning and
asked him if In his opinion tho purchas
ing clauso of tho no called Sherman bill
Is likely to be repealed during tho com
ing Racial session. Ills answer wan as
followni
"Yon nro aoklug mo n very hard ques
tion. What can wo tell nlout tho fato
of tho bill when nil tho powers of pat-.
ronago aro against us? Absolutely noth
ing. But of thin you may lw oortntn no
effort will remain unoxorted to provont
the repeal, No stone will lo left unturn
ed in tho. work of frustrating tho outrago
that is proposed by tho gold standard
men of tho east. No parliamentary ex
pedient will bo neglected. I do not liko
to npeak of tho strength of tho silver men
in the senate. If faith is kept, I havo rea
son to boUovo that tho repeal of tho bill
will 1k ntop)MHl thero. I havo lunrd
rumors, of courno, to tho effect that cer
tain well known senators will desert us,
and I havo also heard tho reason for
tholr desertion mentioned, but ns I cannot
boltovo these rumors true I will not
mention tho names of theso senators, nor
will I enter into details concerning tho
alleged reasons for their ponding desor-
tlon or our causo."
"How do you think the southern Dem
ocrats will voto on tho question of re
peal?" was my next query.
"Again I must say," was his response,
"that I cannot form an opinion in ad
vance, but can you not see that we havo
them in very closo quarters? How can
tho repeal of tho Sherman bill bo passed
without tho uso of what is known as tho
cloture? It cannot, and they know it,
and they daro not voto to apply it to
us, because in tho past when they havo
fought against its application they havo
called on tho silver men for co-operation,
and wo havo helped them." And
tho senator's eyes sparkled, and his
cheeks flushed with excitement.
"Are you among those who beliovo
that the clauso demonetizing Bilver in
the law of 1878 was inserted surrep
titiously?" was uty next question.
"I would hardly like to say that," was
his reply, ' 'but this much I will say that,
although tho clauso may havo been read
by every one voting upon it, for all I
know, yet I am satisfied that very fow
congressmen understood what that
clause meant, and I think that Senator
Sherman himself failed to comprehend
its fan-caching effects."
"Do yon think, senator, that tho pur
chase of silver as authorized by tho so
called Shcnnnn law is at tho bottom of
the present financial distress?"
"No, sir," was tho response. "But I
want yon to emphasize tho fact, al
though it is already known to be a fact
by all intelligent newspaper readers,
that the silver purchasing law is not
what was demanded by the silver men.
What we wanted then, as all tho world
knows, and what we wonld prefer now
is free coinage ot silver. We have not
the slightest objection to the repeal of
the silver purchasing law, provided
something that will give stiver a fair
show is put into its place, Bnt the real
cause ot the present monetary stringency
ought to be, it seems to me, patent to
every intelligent mind. The term mon
etary stringency Itself tells the story.
The trouble is we have not enough
money In the United 8tates to do tho
business of the United States. The pop
ulation has increased a certain
percentage within the past 10 years,
bat the amount of money put In
circulation by the United States
government during that time has
not increased in anything like the
same ratio, Yon personally know what
is the matter in your case you are short
of money, I am short of money; Smith
and Brown and Johnson and everybody
else la short of money. We toll and
sweat and straggle to get enough money
to carry us through today, and we go to
bod at night somewhat relieved because
we have got through today, but in the
morning we awake to find that we are
again short of money and have to go
through the same agonizing experience
again, and so on indefinitely. Now, I
am one of those who hold that the gov
ernment can make money out of any
thing. It does make monoy out of pa
per, and unless you are dead broke you
will have some of that paper made
money is your pocket now. You much
prefer that paper money to coin, either
gold or silver, for it is moro convenient
to carry. 'But' the single standard man
will say, 'tliis paper money ts redeem;
able in coin.' To be sure it is, bat I ' do
not see why it should not be madnyo
deemable la anything, or everything--wheat,
com or other valuable commod
ity and, as everybody kuows, I be
lieve that flat money pure aaJ
simple wonld answer every pnrpose
for which money is made, without any
coin reserve of any kind, but we do not
ask that We ask simply that the faith
of the nation, which was pledged when
the government authorized the stamping
of this paper money with the words 're
deemable in coin,' be kept inviolate. This
is 'the dollar of the contract,' and for it
we will fight during the extra session of
congress that President Cleveland has
called. This is the dollar yon agreed to
pay when you contracted your debts.
This Is the dollar you should be allowed
to pay. But if la obedience to the man
date of the Buropsaa powers, backed up
by tae aowoa ot tae urttua goTtrnasat
la mBswalaf the eoiaage of silver la
is coaswauM
stagssfoM rtsjuisrt evsrv
jm?
tMitor In tho United States will m
(Wed to my with dollars that nro
uirth mote wheat and tlmt cost inoro
wjrry ntnl sweat ntnl toll to net than
tlioHo lio agreed to jMiy with tho dollar
of tlio COIltlllCt."
THE GOLD SIDE.
Hon. Joseph C. Hendrix, momlcr of
tho Fifty-third congress and president of
thv National Union bank of New York,
of which K. O. Leech, lato director of
the United States mint, Iscashier, makes
tho following statement;
"Tho struggle of tho silver mine own
ers and those who nro in various ways
interested In the product to compel the
government to keep In tho market ns a
forced buyer of tho white, metal is a self
ish struggle. It strongly resembles in
its features tho imperious demands of
tho old proslavery party. Extravagant
langungo is used, wild threats nro made,
and thero Is a general klckup that bodes
no good for a siccdy settlement of tho
Important financial question now boforo
this country. Every tlmo any interest
has to to disentangled from govern
mental favoritism tho samo fuss Is made,
but in tho long run tho general welfare
of tho pcoplo becomes tho supremo law.
Tho Sherman law has now no friend to
do it honor.
"It has hatched so many ovils In ad
dition to tho brood of tho Bland bill
that ovory ono has a broom raised to hit
at it. Our silver friends jump on it with
vigor at tho samo tlmo that they cry for
free colnago of silver. Now no ono who
thinks about tho matter much protends
that tho Sherman law is responsible for
nil of tho present ills, and whllo it might
bo intoresting it is perhaps not portlnent
to attempt by analysis to search out
other causes. Some of these aro world
wide. Thoy affect romoto continents
and islands of tho sea. They follow tho
Anglo-Saxon raco around tho globe as
some diseases follow other peoples.
"Wo might havo pulled through all of
tho adverse currents but for the distrust
of our financial policy. Europe began
to pay us in our own dobts, and we havo
lost its custom for our securities. Tho
fear that wo wero going to payback
their monoy In a depreciated currency
was controlling. Austria took ndvantago
of our oxposed position to draw off
enough gold to help her got upon a gold
basis. All of tho time wo wero increas
ing our own gold obligations under the
Sherman law, issued iu luiymcnt for
silver bam. We received theso bars at
ono end of tho treasury, paid legal ten
ders for them at tho rate of 3,600,000 a
month, and theso notes wero at onco
handed In at tho other end of the treas
ury with a demand for gold for export.
"The United States was caught in a
trap. Its gold was displaced by silver
so fast that tho reserve of $100,000,000
around which a circle of superstitious
roverenco.had been drawn In the public
mind was encroached upon, and then
tho process of contraction, of waning
confidence, of distrust of the future, be
gan at home. The early birds caught
the profits and got out of the markets.
Liquidation followed. A cold wavo
went rapidly from Now York to Ban
Francisco and left broken banks and
ruined firms to mark its course. The
treasury department was as helpless as a
Hindoo Idol before a pestilence. Its big
stock of silver could not be sold. There
was no law for thut. It was useless as
an asset. It could not be used to rellovo
anything or anybody. Every day our
gold was being drained away. Hoarding
began and continued.
"We weathored tho dangerous head
land created by tho July Interest pay
ments by help of tho free uso of the de
vice of clearing house certificates, and
wo had ono brief moment of hope in an
ticipation of the special session of con
gress, called to relieve an anxious and
distressed nation. Tho country had ap
parently repented. It was ready seem
ingly to recant and to insist upon a re
peal of a liw at once so vicious and so
treacherous.
"Now our silver friends, not at all
sorry for tho ills that have come from a
compulsory purchaso of their product,
insist that it weceaso to buy it we shall
coin it into dollars make it legal tender
for all debts force It Into tho hands of
labor. No class of producers In the
world has the right to make such a de
mand of government Thoy say that
there has been a conspiracy against sil
ver. Three times our country has asked
of the world to confer about making
some uso of silver in the currency. We
have failed every time.
"India, our great ally, has withdrawn
from the bootless effort to sustain silver,
and we are left aloue nursing our idol.
Yet we are asked to keep up the rolo of
Sisyphus at tremendous cost to our pros
perity. It is a foolish proposition. Wo
must take our position along with other
nations ready to adopt bimetallism
when thoy are ready, but dotermined to
keep up our credit with them all and to
keep active the factors of prosperity
which we can rely upon to place us in
the front rank. There is no uso of talk
ing .compromise. That is a device al
ways full of mischief. We must use the
zuoucybat the world uses.
"Jusc as soon as we got upon solid
ground n our finances and the rest of
mankind understand that we are in ear
nest, w() -will flourish like we ought to do
in this $reat land. Until we do we will
ue ui uuwuvauiage. we nave suppli
cated long enough in behalf of silver. It
has lost every other friend. Life is too
short for us to try to make of it any
thing more than it has been voted to be
a defeated candidate for position as a
standard of value."
L D. Marshall.
Aa Anecdote of Justin McCarthy.
The Cork Examiner tells a good story
of a visit which Mr. Justin McCarthy
Kid to a secondhand book store not
ig since. After offering htm in vain
several works of indifferent fiction, the
bookseller finally produced a copy of one
of Mr. McCarthys own novels, but still
the customer was not satisfied. At list
the bookseller in desperation exclaimed,
'Well, six, if 1 was a maa so hard'to
lleaae asyoa, I'd take to writing bogies
mfssU r ' j. u
AT THE WORLD'S FAIR
WHAT THE ARIZONA KICKER'S COR
RESPONDENT HAS TO SAY.
lie Say Mo Wouldn't ll Mined It For
Anything Thing Old and New Hide by
Hide The Fatherly Man In the Art lie
liarlment. ICopyrlght, 1890, by Charles II. Iwl.
THE World's Faiii. Our World's fair
oorreapnnrieut writes as follows this week:
I wouldn't have iiiUmmI It for the best
dozen longliorns ever pastured In Arliona.
The fun begins 10 miles away and keeps
growing on you till you reach tho grand
roundup Inside the fimco. Don't forget
to take your bottle Inside with you. Dig
gent lot of human critters over corralled In
one spot, and all chuwlng tho cud of con
tentment and spending money like water.
It's a good deal like wandering through an
Arizona canyon full of surprises. I bucked
right up ag'iti a mummy 7,000 years old tho
very first thing and hadn't gone 20 feet
farther when I collided with the governor
of California, You can rub ag'tu a duke
with one elbow and a heathen with the
other. You cost your eyes to the right, aud
thero you behold a relic of the days of
Adam and Eve. You cut 'em to tho left,
and thero stands the purtlest critter ot an
American gal you over laid eyes on. It's
a gigantic combination of past and present,
and anything you waut you lasso, except
Ice cream and ginger alo,
I stopped before a case containing a
mummy who died In the year 830 B. O. It
was a woman. I was thinking ot how quick
she could have got spliced In Arizona bad
she lived on till tho present day, when a
feller come along and says;
"It's too durncd bad, ain't it?"
"You betl"
"But this Is a cold and sinful world?"
"Sho Is, for a fact I ain't feeling cold
iust at the present time, but I realtzo that
'm as sinful as the rest of the herd."
"Seen any of her relashuns about?" he
innocently asks as be cocks his eye.
"Not In particular not to be dead sure
of it."
"Mebbe they hain't got around to her yit,
but they'll be certain to coma No uso
making 'em feel too bad, eh?"
"No."
Then he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Everything warranted fresh," and stuck
it on the case and went away. I thought
it was a Joko till three or four Egyptians
came along and stopped to gaze at tho
mum. They had begun to feel bad when
they caught sight of tho slgu, and one of
'em explained It, and they were the tlo
ktedest lot ot fellers you ever sot eyes on.
They seemed to argue that there was a big
chance somewhere for the old gal yet, but
I don't think she'd havo any market valuo
Iu our territory.
l
"r'UL n t4
a irrVU,
5ml
I HELD HIM UP WIULR UK SITED.
In the Turkish department the other day
I saw prayer rugs worth W00 apiece. Would
make pretty fair saddle blankets for winter
use, but it wouldn't be a paying spec to
put 'em ag'ln the regular article at 12
apiece. I was trying to figure WOO worth
of prayer meeting out ot one of 'em when
I run ag'ln a galoot from Montana. He
sniffed around till be got my scent and
then said:
"Too rich fur my sort o' prayln, but I'm
lookln fur sunthin that might be wuth the
money. Klu you talk Turk?" "
"Not unless it's properly branded. What
do you want?"
"If I kin strike a Turkish bath that don't
come too high, I'll take It home to show to
the boys, though I reckon tho blamed crit
ters will begin shootin at it the fust thing."
Nobody should try to "do" the Turkish
department under half en hour. If he's in
a hurry for a drink, he should go out and
get It and come back and take up the trail
where he left off. Those Turks do have the
knack of twisting carpet rags into a rug in
a way a Yankee can never hope to catch on
to, and the older and dirtier the rug ths
higher her cash value. I saw one rug mads
up of old blue and red flannel shirts 600
years ago. The dogs and children had been
playing on it ever since, and the price was
1,050, Five hundred years hence that rug
will be a regular gold mine. In going
through tbeartdepartmentlfoundapalnt-
lng called "The Dying Cowboy." While I
was siting her up along comes a fatherly
old man and says;
"It's dreadful, ain't it?"
"Yes." ' c
"No mother to close his eyes."
"No."
"But he thought of her In bis but mo
ments?" "Not a doubt of It, uncle."
"And the poor woman will never have
the consolation of looking upon his gravel
How sad these sad things arel Have you
any objections to my leaning on your shoul
der while I shed a tear?"
I held him up while he shed, and he
thanked me kindly and changed his grat
ing ground. After he had gone I missed
my watch chain, but a critter had got the
watch several days before. I shall put in
at least tS minutes more In the art depart
ment before I am through, making about
50 in all They have been to so much pains
and expense to gatherall this stuff together
that all visitors ought to feel it a duty to
spare at least IS minutes to the depart
ment CARL DUNDER.
A raw Jakes That He Is Not Tory Well
Up Ob.
"Sergeant, I like soma advice maybe,"
said Mr. Dunder as be called on the tat
poUes sergeant the other afternoon with a
worried expression on bis countenance.
"Well;"
"A man comes In my plaee and says to
as, 'Mr. Dunder, vby doaa' dor put some
fly ssrssas w der wtadows of state prison f
. I ana's ssU alas vhy aet, and as UmJU bawl
bawl aawl and says, 'Bseaoss dost folks
iu -jsaTaw. n j
yp&zm
JUST RECEIVED!
Tle Intfcintci lttlrtllo MnllorM.
Tlio I9.tlco Veres a; it ci. dciilorase
Tlio Vnofitlon eScillors.
Icivii ToiviiIm SiscailorM
Above Sailors Trimmed or Untrimmed, in all Colors
From 49 cents up, at the
Funke's
Opera House
Corner.
vnos already too nyl' lias a man any right
to come around und shpeak to me like dot
and laugh In my fuco like a horse?"
"No."
"I vhas reading my paper vlien a stran
ger comes In tnlt an ax on his shoulder ttnd
looks all around und says, 'Vhell, I like to
get a shah.' I doun have no sliobs for him,
und he says: 'If you doau' haf stme chop-
flug to do, vhy do you keep a chophousef
lawl haw! Inuvl' Vhas dot a shoko, ser
geant?"
"I can't see It in that light."
"Nor I either. Doci tier law say a man
can do like dot by me?"
"No. What el-e?"
"Vhell, a hllarioiiM young man comes in
und says he likes lo Mliputk mlt mo in con
fidence. 1 goiM tnlt him in a corner, und ho
vhtspers In my ear, 'Mr. Uunder, vhy do
you go flihlngV Vhell, I can't tell dot, you
know, und he Immli und liumln und winks
his eyes und Kt'tx red in der face und saysi
'Vhy, to catch fih, of course. HhwI bawl
haw I' Sergeant, doc der law allow a man
to do like dot on my pi-emittex?"
"There l no law about it. Ih that all?"
"Oh, no! Two days a stranger comes
along und looks at mv ftont door a long
time. Uy und by ho comes in und looks
all around und whispers, 'Mr. Dunder,
what vhas der deefcrenco between a tailor
and a teleirrnph post?' I think ot dot
more ash 10 minutes und can't tell him,
und he squints oop his eyes und says: 'Vhy,
one supports der wires, und der other sup
ports his family. Haw! haw I bawl' Ser
geant, vhas dere some shokes in dot?"
"No."
"Does der law glf dot man a right to
come in und shump on me like dot?"
"Hardly."
"Vhell, she goes like dot most every day,
nnd I vhas all tired out. Only dls mornln
a feller shtands in my door und yells, uud
EL
"VHT DO TOO GO FISHING?"
vhen I get mad he says: 'Dot vhas all right,
Mr. Dunder. I vhas a cooper by trade, und
it vhas my peesness to whoop 'er up all der
time.' Haf I got some right to p'otect my
self, sargeant?"
"You have no right to kill any one."
"Oh, nol nol I sbust p'otect myself. I
goes home, und pooty queek a feller comes
in und looks under der tables und oop at
der celling und says to me, 'Mr. Dunder,
vhat vhas der deeference between a man on
horseback und a girl up a tree?' Und den
I shump for him und mop him around on
der floor und break his back on der tables
und pitch blm out on der sidewalk und
say, 'Because if you come In here once
mors you vhas a dead man.' Hawl hawl
hawl"
A PROSPECTOR'8 LUCK.
She Had No Trouble at AU to rind m Lov
lug Husband.
We were camped alongside of an emi
grant train In Nebraska, and Just after sup
per a woman about 40 years ot age, who
was smoking a pipe, came over to our Are
and slsed the crowd up and said:
"I've got sunthin to say. I'm a plain
spoken woman. When I've got a thing on
my mind, I don't beat around the bush."
We looked at her with curiosity and sur
prise, and she leaned against the wheel of a
wagon and continued:
"I've bin a wldder fur throe years. Over
thar I've got a span of mewls, n good hoss,
a new wagon filled with bouwoepln stuff,
and I kin rake up about 180 in cash. I cum
along with the party to take up a claim.
I'm good tempered, healthy and kin swing
an ax or hold a plow with most anybody.
As I said, I'm a plain spoken woman. If
thar's a critter among you who wants to gtt
married, let him stand up while I taks a
look at him."
the lurvnr or its stood rr.
Ths 11 of as promptly stood up,
"Git inter line," she sontlnued, with a
wave of bar band. "I hain't after beauty
or sddsssshnn, bat I saa't take ap with a
feller who'd shear a wolf to death.''
She passsd dowa ths line and then rs
tarasdaalf wayaadsaldtoaatkldlsaged
MswmuMttow
i FrS
-"'- I I "a
VaaaaFaW Al MlrtC&E&vSNL
Tlio World's lnlx tSciilorsa.
Corner
O and Twelfth
Streets.
"You'll do, I reckon. Thar's n preacher
in camp, and 'twon't take 15 minutes tOBet
tlo things. All of you ns want to see the
marrying como on."
We followed the couple, who were made
man and wife Inside of SO mlnutet, and next
morning as we passed the wagon on t1 n
road the woman looked out nnd bowed and
said:
"Sorry fur the other 10 of ye, but perhaps
you'll meet up with another train soon and
strike luck "
SHE HAD BEEN 8COOPED IN.
Anil tho Nti-HiiKar From Gordon's Corners
Hull Nothing More to Hay.
I had Iki-ii talking with the colored man
attht ofllci'of the oil in UN for some little
time when a tall and nncli-nt looking Afri
can wearing a battureil plug hat nud shoes
badly rim over at thu heel came up, turned
in from the middle of the highway and ob
served: "I reckon yo' knows nioV of do folks
around yere?"
"Heckon I doe, salt,'' replied the porter
as ho drew himself up very stlfily.
"My name am Thompson de itev. Moses
Thompson from Gordon's Co'ners, 'lubeu
miles souf."
"Yes, sab."
"Did yo' happen to know a pusson yere
named Perkins Sam Perkins?','
"I did, sah. Yo' mean de Sam Perkins
who dun died las' fall?"
"Yea. I understand)) he left a wldder."
"He did, sah-n wldder an fo' chtllen."
"I furder understands," continued the
Rev. Thompson as he rubbed his hands to
gether, "dat de wldder tun a wery 'spectable
pusson."
"Yes, sah, she am."
"An de fo' chillen am mighty uico chtl
len!" " 'Zactly, sah 'zactly."
"An I am toled datde husband left (2,000
life insurancet"
"He did, sah, an I'ze seen de money wid
my own eyes."
"Hul Jlstsol Could yo' dat Is, would
it be axln too much dat is, could yo' pint ,
me out de house whar dat widder am rs
sldln J 1st at present?"
K
i .
A?'
V
"TO' AM TOO LATEl"
"Yo am too late!" answered the porter as
he solemnly shook his head.
"Too late fur what?"
"To git dat wldder an her 13,000. She
has dun bin scooped In I"
"Why, her husband has skassly bin dead
fo' months!"
" 'Zactly, sah 'soctly; but he hod skassly
bin dead fo' weeks when de undersigned
laid bis heart at de wtdder's feet an was
'cepted, an we was dun married three weeks
ago. Ole man, yo' make 23 pussons who
bev bin around yere to inquar about dat
wldder. She am well. She am happy. She
weighs ober 200 pounds an am gainln on
dat. Was dere auythln mo' yo' wanted to
ax about befo' yo' took de middle of de
road to walk dem 'leben miles back to Gor
don's Co'ners?"
"No, sah no, sab nuffln mo', sah nuffln
mo'l" hurriedly replied the good man, and
he pulled down bis hat, drew a long breath
and started up the dusty road on a dog
trot, which soon carried him out of sight
M. Quad.
flatting Ready to Spit.
The large, rough man from the moun
tains, with a pot of money on his person,
was resting comfortably in an easy chair at
the Auditorium in Chicago, lazily watch
ing the "help" tidying up the writing
room.
"So," be said to tho menial, "you call
this hotel the Auditorium, do you?"
"Yes, sir."
"And you call one of them show build
ings at the fair grounds the Spectatorlum?"
"Yes sir."
"Well," and he stretched himself out a
little farther, "s'pose you shove one of
them expectoratorlums over this way, I
want to take a chaw of the weed." New
York Sun.
The Mltalng Unk.
Ths hand organ has often been voted a
nuisance, but never before probably for the
reason that It set up too high a standard.
Edith bad been to church for the first
time.
"And what did you think of it?" asked
ber mother.
"I didn't like the organ very well."
"Why not?"
" 'Cause there wasn't auy monkey with
it." Harvard Lampoon,
Making His Speech Plata.
At a meeting held la one of our local
churches not long ago a flashily dressed In
dividual arose and said: "Genulum, I
drseped Into dls meeting promiscuously,
sail shall be brief, but short, aa I want it
aadsrstood in my talk dat ds ststsria am
sa mash psrsoaallfled as de bredrta."
atlagflsU (Mass.) Qrayhic.
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