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About The Nebraska advertiser. (Nemaha City, Neb.) 18??-1909 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 22, 1905)
OBI Hi cm HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM THE COMIC PAPERS. l'ieuaant Inclrfcuta Occnrrlnsr tha World Over Snylusa Mutt Aro Cheer ful to Old or Young-Funny Bclectlona that Everybody Will Rnjoy. Tho old fnrmcr had strayed into a n(lc emporium and was listening vfttii. open-mouthed astonishment to a phonograph. "Wn-ull, by grass!" exclaimed tho old man. "That 'ere mcrchccn certain ly do bu n queer sort uv n contraption." "Can't r sell you one?" Queried the proprlolor. "It will store up erery thing you say and repeat it to you Inter." "Gosh, no!" replied the rural party. "I've got a wife tew homo that kin dew all uv that, by hen!" Sorrow ot It. "The wedding," remarked tho girl who had Just roturued from church, "was like a beautiful dream." "And now," rejoined the .cynical lueholor, "It will soon bo timo for th dreamors to wako up." Not an Incentive to liconomy. Mrs. X. Yes, I tried to make my husband economize in smoking, so 1 told him if ho ever smoked I would never speak to him again. Mrs. Y. What was tho result? Mrs. X. Ills cigar bill was doubled tho next month. Com pllmcntnrjr. "You acted like a fool to night," salil tho manager of tho barnstorming ag gregation, angrily. "I'm glad to hear you say so," re .pUcfl tho alleged tragedian, tartly, 'vent's the first timo you have evei condescended to admit my ability aa .an actor." Mean Thin sr. Bride Clarence, dear, I have Just mado my first pound cake. Hubby Good for you, Cordelia, IT take It down to tho office. Bride What for? Hubby For a paper weight Knew Whereof He Spoke. "Isn't it queer," said Singleton, "tha: a woman takes a man's name whto aho marries?" "Oh, .1 don't know," replied Wed dorly. "It would bo queerer still it she didn't tako everything else tin poor Jay das." An Insinuation. Askltt Is there really such a thing vlb honor among thieves? Knowltt Yes, I guess eo. At loasl a numbor of grafting politicians an entitled to "Hon." before their narnus Chicago News. At the Bummer Hotel. uTho hotel in so crowded, sir, thai tho beat wo con do is to put you ir tho aarao room with tho proprietor." "That will be all right; Just put mj raluablos In tho safe." The Tatler. Defined. Llttlo Wllllo Say, pa, what is "con 0cionco money?' Pa Conscience money, my son, ie tho quarter your mother leaves in my poekeU when she makes a midnight raid. Not Built That Way. Tho Olerk What kind of glovei would you liko, miss walking gloves MLw Highgmu Land takes, nol 1 oA't wajk on my hand. CUTICURA PILLS. Vac rtlhi a ml Clcnimlfitf the Blood In Torturing, DIhukui-Iuk Humora 00 Chocolate niln 25c. Cutlcura Kcsolvcnt Pills (chocolate coated) aro tho product ot twenty-live years' practical laboratory experience in the preparation of remedies for the treatment of humors of the skin, scalp and blood, with loss of hair, and are confidently believed to bo superior to all other blood purifiers, however ex pensive. Complete external and in ternal treatment for every humor may now be had for $1.00, consisting of Cuticuru Soap to cleanse the skin, Cutlcura Ointment to heal the skin, and Cutlcura Resolvent Pills to cool and cleanse the blood. A single set Is often sulllcient to cure. A celebrated London physician Dr. Wyon Wosbcott, said ut an In quest recently that nearly over par son who commits sulcldo by drown ing partly undresses boforo ontorln tuo water. M. Dello, a French physiologist, has discovered that tobacco haB a selective action upon the auditory norve. Ho cautions moderation in the uso of the weed and avoiding It altogether wliero deafness has nlread) begun or whero there Is a family history of such troubles. U. a SENATOR TOWNE Credits Doiui'h Kidney Tills with n Orntlfylnar Cure. Hon. Charles A. Towne, ox-U. S. Senator from Minnesota, brilliant ora tor, clever business man, brainy law yer, whose nation al prominence made him a form idable candidate for the presiden tial nomination in 1004, writes us the following: "Gentlemen: I am glad to en dorse Doan's Kid ney Pills. The remedy was rec ommended to me a few months ago when I was feeling miserable; had se vere pains In the back; was restless Hid languid; had a dull headache and neuralgic pains In the limbs and was Jtherwlse distressed. A few boxes of the pills cffectuully routed my ailment and I am glad to acknowledge the ben efit I derived. (Signed) CHARLES A. TOWNE. Foster-MIlburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y. For snle by all dealers. Price 50 cents per box. IMPORTANT FACTS FOR COW OWNERS . The mechanical Cream Separator has become a vital feature of every homo lairy just as of every butter factory. Its uso means much moro and much setter cream and butter, as well as laving of water, ice, timo and room. Tho duferenco in results is not email but big. Few cows now pay without a teparator. Dairying is the most profit ible kind of farming with one. 08 of tho creamery butter of tho irorld is now made with Do Laval aiachines, and there are over 600,000 larm users besides. Send for catalogue and namo of nearest local agent. The De Laval Separator Go. tandolph & Canal Sis. CHICAGO I 74 Cortlandt Street NEW YORK Suffered 23 Years from Constipation and Stomach Trouble Wllbert Thompson novor knew a well day ho had been constipated all his life many doctors treated him, but all failed to even help blm his health failed raptaly and on January 21, 1903, Mrs. Thompson asked us to suggest a treatment for hor husband. We thought the case loo serious and recommended that a specialist be consulted but ho also fallod to help tho pationt NOW HE IS WELL. MR. and MRS. WILBERT THOMPSON, 801 Main St, Peoria, III. MULL'S GRAPE TONIC CURED HIM. CONSTIPATION I'oUok, Hkln IluMt, area, Haddta Ilwl Trafcle, DUrrfcea, Chslwa, Kta. No otw whose bow ls are healthy and ac tive contracts these complaints. Invari ably they are the poisoned and dyiar bowels or intestines. Check diarrhea and yow are liable to fatal blood poison a physic makes you worse. There is only one right remit of Constipation which means decayed, The $1.00 bottle conttxlns nearly three times as much cm the 50 UrCAUTION: DO NOT ACCEPT MULL'S GRAPE TONIC UNLE88 IT HAS PAINFUL PERIODS AMERICAN WOMEN FIND RELIEF Tho Caoo of Miss Irons Crosby la One of Thousands of Ouros Mado by Lydla E. Plnkham'o Voffotablo Compound. How many women rcallzo that men struation Is tho balnnco wheel of a woman's life, and while no woman la entirely freo from periodical suffering it is not the plan of naturo that women should suffer so severely. Thousands of American women, how ever, havo found relief from all monthly suffering by taking Lydla E. Pinkham'a Vegetable Compound, as it is tho most thorough female regulator known to medical science. It cures the condition which causes so much discomfort and robs menstruation of its terrors. Miss Irene Crosby, of 313 Charlton Street East Savannah, Oa., writes: " Lydla 13. Plnldiam's Vcgotnblo Compound Is a trno friend to woman. It has lecn of great benefit to mo, curing mo of irregular and painful menstruation when everything else had failed, and I gladly rocoumiond it to other suffering women." Women who are troubled with pain ful or irregular menstruation, back ache, bloating (or flatulence), leucor rhoca, falling, iu Humiliation or ulcera tion of the titcrus, ovarian troubles, that "bearing-down" feeling, dizzi ness, fain tn ess, indigestion, nervous ftrostration or tho blues, should tako mmcdiatc action to ward off the seri ous consequences, and bo restored to perfect health and strength by taking Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Com pound, aud then write to Mrs. Pink ham, Lynn, Mass., for further free ad vice. Thousands havo been cured by so doing. Flatterers are clover mind roadors. They tell vain women exactly what thoy think. Airs, Wlnslow's ROOTRimi BYRTJP for ebtl Iten teething, softens the cums, rtduoei lnfl nation, allays Pia, owes ohollo, Frloo 25a. GIflie Does old Grumps ever get entbuHlustlo about anything? Splnks Does lie? Always when tho pros pects look promising for bard times. Courier-Journal. Sale Ten Million Boxes a Year. phM THE FAMILY'S FAVORITE MEDICINE MwHlaMUM5uaMuUaiBaaiM BEST FOR course and that Is to treat tho cause. Re vivo and strengthen tho bowels and intes tines. We will prove to you that Mull's Grape Tonic cures Constipation and all these terrible Stomach and Bowel troubles be cause it cleanses tho Blood and makes the intestines practically new, It feeds the starved condition and brings them back to life nothing else will. Write for This Free Bottle Good for ailing children and nursing Miss Fussoy( hurrying Into doctor's oQlco)Dootor, look at this. Why ato these wrinkles coming around my eyes? Doctor (busily) Because you aro getting old. Two dollars, pleuse. Among tho many specialists of Now York's street merchants Is ono who sells nothing but boys' kneo pants. Ills stand is located near a big 'market and ho relics for his trado un tnothors passing that way to do the family marketing. Holon And Is Harry Caullllowor roally such a slow young man? fithol Slow? Why, If ho takos a girl on a railroad excursion she Inn to toll 111 in every timo thoy arc com ing to a tunnel. Chicago, Dally News. Mr. Poorchappo Wouldn't you bo billing to 11 vo in a lovely, llttlo vino-clad cuttuge, with a crlokot on tho hearth? Miss CItiboll-No, Mr. Poorchappo, I would much profor a brownstouo front. Mr. Poorchappo (angrily leaving) I havo my opinion of a woman who prefers roaches to crickets." Considerable excitement has boon fronted at Mambussn, East Africa, by tho discovery of tho West African rubber troo in tho fo'ests of tho protectorate Syndicates 'of Lon don capitalists aro competing for largo traots cf forest land. During eloven months of last year Moxico bought 137 locomotives and 23,303 tons of steel rails from tho United Stutes, which was an lnceaso of seventy locomotives and twenty ono thousand tons of steel ovsr the provlous year. "Pr. PnvWl Konimily'i Fnvorlto firmly Is lulniitctl to tioth "exoH ami all urcs CnroH Kidney nnil Mvor complaint, anil purifies tlio blood. 11,00 all drucgl'ts. There Isn't a department storo on earth large oaough to supply ovory thing a woman wants. You Cnii I.earn To l'lny Rlinple tuncR on tho Violin or Mumlollno for 15 cent", with half hour praotlco. Send SoonUtamp for full particular. Addrns O. W. Wilcox, llllUdnlo, N. J. A salary of about $12,500 Is paid to every Russian mlnlstor, and tho salary Is for llfo, evon If tho minis ter Is In dtllco only a fow months. Tho ministers of Interior and Jfl nanco receive largo additional Bum:" I can racommend PIso'b Cure for Con sumption for Asthma. It has given mo groat rellof. W. L. Wood, Farmorsburt.', Ind..,. SepJ. 8, 1001. A wlze man iz the same tho world over, hut phools vary ackordlog to latitude and longitude. Draggists THE BOWELS Mull's Grape Tonic Cured Him Mrs. Thompson first wrote us as follows: "My husband, aeed 33, suffers from sharp pains In his stomach and sometimes thinks it is his heart. Let roe know by return mail what causes the pain, if you can. Mr. Thompson has been treated by several doctors, but they havo given him up.'' Wo promptly advised that a first-class specialist bo consulted;. Wo quote: "Wo want to sell Mull's Grape Tonic, because wo know it will cure constipation, but 50c a bottle is no object to us when a human life 3 at stake, aud if your husband's caso is as serious as you state, we suggest you consult n reliable specialist, not the advertising kind, promptly." At the same time, knowing that Mull'sGrape Tonic could do no harm, we tdvlsed Its ue until a physician couid be consulted. January 25 Mrs. Thompson wroto that n physician had been confuted. Ho diagnosed the caso as chronic constipation and dyspepsia. Ills treatment was followed faithfully, but there vns no perceptible improve ment in Mr. Thompson's health. Then he began taking Mull's Grape Tonic and on Scytetnber3, 1903, we received the. following letter from Mrs. Thompson: "You will remember that I wrote to you lost Jo.nuoLry In rogard io my hus band's hoBilth. It is four months since he quit taking Mull's Grtvpe Tonic for constipation, which ho suffered from since birth. Ho took Just 24 bottles of it and is perfectly cured. He is much stronger and ho.a gained considerable m flesh. 1 can not thenk you enough for Mull's Grcpo Tonic. 'It is worth its weight in gold Just $12 cured hkn and ho he. spent hundreds of dollars with doctors who did him no good. It did cx.Il you cleJmed it would." Vory respectfully yours, MRS. W. H. THOMPSON. 801 Main St., Peoria, III. Mr. Thompson stooped taking Mull'sGrape Tonic in June, 1903. He has been completely cured and has taken no other medicine since that date. Almost two years and no return of the disease, should prove a permanent cure. It Will Cure Yovi Begin Today I 121 Send this ooupon to Mull's Orapo Tonlo Co., 21 3rd Ave., Kook Island, III., and reoolvo an order on your drutrsist for a free bottle of Mull's Grape Tonlo, Blood Tonlo and Constipation Cure. My Name . . Addreas- Today City- mothers, cent size. WrltoyourM ami y oar drvzilrCi surma ask sdirvu plainly fparnto piece of paper mnil wall at once with this coupon. A DATE AND NUMBER STAMPED WITH We Can Help You n getting boautlful aud harmonious tints on your walls with Writo for oamplo card of hnndoom tints. Toll us just rrhat work you havo to do, and boo how wo can holp you In gottlng beautiful effects. Alabastino Is not a dls oaso breeding hot or cold water gluokalso tnluo, not n covering stuck on with panto liko wall paper, but a natural coition rookbaso coating. Anyonocan apply It. Mix with cold water. Alabastino doc not ruboracalo. Dostroys dlsoasogorma and vermin. No washing of walls after onco applied. Huy only in paokagos prop erly labeled. Hints on Decorating" and pretty wall aud celling doslgn froo. ALABASTINE CO., Grand Rapids, Mich. New York Clljs BEST BY TEST "I have tried all kinds op waterproof clothing and have never found anything at any price to compare with your Fish Brand for protection from all kinds of weather." Tha nm nil ndilrf 11 cf llm wrll.r of tMi tiniullcl(l lttr mj lit hmt upon llcllm) Highest Award World's Fair, 1901. A. J. TOWER CO. Boston, U. S. A. The Sign of the Fish TOWER CANADIAN "lUljftll l' CO., LIMITED "jh Toronto, Canada flRjfl' Maliert of Warranttd Wet Wtath$r Clothing ;PLEASANP THE NEXT MORNINQ FEEL BRIGHT AND NEK AND MY COMPLEXION IS BETTER. Mr doctor It tot flint! on tha itnmaeh. 1Ith aatl klduar and la a i.int laxittlra. Tlila drlak M tad from liarlia, and la prtparnd for uia aa oaallf art Ut. niaoallfil 'I.Rno'a Tea" or LANE'S FAMILY MEDICINE tAII drurt lta or b? nail V eta. and 10 ota. Itujrltkc ay. I,.iiiia fanlli nlodlctno mnvoa tb nTfeln uHcb dakTi In U'dar to bahaaltlir thlaW maaatiftir. Addraaa. O V, Waavlwatd. La Koj, K T. FOR WOMEN fnrnMal with ITU ttaonltir to their a ex. oiod a douoka) ll : Vlntraalraiola.nu. blll.V ttovs dlccharge. boaU iaflaranuitloa oronoai. l'utine la tn powdaf form to b dlaaolrad (a .Poraj wator, and U far mora dtatulnf, haallng, taranladarj auul ooonomlcal than liquid antUtptka for all TOILGT AND WOMBN'8 SPECIAL U8ES For aale at drujglata, 00 ccnta a box. i Trial Dox and Book of Instruction Prat. THK' R. PAXTON OOMPANV BoaTON, MA8. MRU WHIII All lltl f Altl. i3lUrtOoaa8: BC1 In timo. Daat Ooojh ayraa. Taataa Uooa. ui aoia ardi , 1 allaaaaLakaHHaVHaVs WiH inaxTbfiSlTr anoJ and local 3P 023 I I free: coupon Statc- INDELIBLE INK ON THE LABEL