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About The North Platte semi-weekly tribune. (North Platte, Neb.) 1895-1922 | View Entire Issue (May 11, 1909)
With the World Great Humorists , Sclcciions from the Writings of the "Best Knokvn Makers of Mirth, Baked in White Tile Ovens On tlio top floor of tho finest bakeries in the world The whole bakery flooded with pure nir and sunshine In these clean, appetizing places arc baked a-. r.ir.-. - mi- Vtfi My:' tt. " i Addison Spriggs in By S. A mule lind kicked tilin through a fence, And tilccxlltiff In the illtolf ho lay; Tlio pnin ho Buffered wns Intenno, Uut Iio wan proof nRnlnst dismay. "Why nlioulil I mourn my lot," he thought, "Or irlvo exjircKslon to an oath? Sho kicked with ono hind-foot nh, what V ho had landed with thorn both!" "There." Haiti Addison Spriggs when ho had perused tho uplifting words of the poot, "Ib philosophy enough for tiny man to get through the world on with honor. To mo that message Hhull ho ns a Btar uhtnlug In the flrmn mont. It Bhall glvo mo Htvenglh by lay and guidance at night. It was a very rainy day one of those lny whon the rain comes down with no effort whatever, an If from long and steady practice a dny whon every thing was Boakcd a day when it seemed us If everything would nlwaya ho Bonked. Addison Spriggs, remembering tho strengthening words of tho poot, hurried across the street at noon to get a sand wlch nnd n cup of coffee. Tho Keats at tho lunch counter woro very close together, nnd Mr. Spriggs found It necessary to wedge himself In be tween a fat man who drove n brew ery wagon anil a sad-faced young per son who seemed to bo mourning for some lost Icnoro. Tho lady who waited on Spriggs, the philosopher, deftly scooped a sand wich from a pile on a handy shelf and tossed It upon a pinto which' she caused to slide about soven feet along tho counter and pauso at tho proper plnce. It was neatly doue, and per haps it was for tho purposo of Increas ing tho wonder of Mr. Spriggs that she attempted to deliver his cup of coffee after tho same fashion. Un fortunately, however, ho became pos sessed of a foolish fonr that his cof fee might pass on to tho brewery All's Well That Ends Well By Thomas "Wouldn't it bo ratner nice," said Mrs. Dlmpleton, "to have a flro In tho lire-place?" "First rate," replied Dlmploton. "I'll go down nnd got some wood." Ho deacendod Into the cellar, and in a moment returned with his arms full. Ho got a newspaper nnd pro ceeded to mako up tho flro. "Aro you suro that will burn?" asked Mrs. Dlmploton, who was watching him. "Of courso It will burn If there's one thing I can do, it is to mako a tire. Match!'" "Hotter not put so much wood on. You hnvo too much. It won't light." "Ha! Perhaps you know It .all. We'll hoc." Ho got a match from the neighbor ing table, Btruck It, and applied It to tho ond of tho paper. Tho paper llared up, a few desultory flames licked their way around tho wood, died "Give Me That Poker." out, brlghtenod up, died out ngaln, Hpluttorod faintly and then thoro was blackness." "Told yon so," said Mrs. Dimple ton, who got up and started toward tlio flro. "You lot mo" T '"won't do anything of tho nort. I tell yon I know how to mako a lire. That wood Ib green." "I could havo told you that bo: fore. You have too much." Now you just wait." Ho took off some of tho wood, scorning, however, to mnko It ap pear thnt ho was following her sug gestion, and, putting moro paper In, started It up again. There waB n fair-sized llamo now. Mrs. Dlmploton, howevor, thought sho saw a way to mako It bettor. She began poking tho wood with tho poker. Ulmpleton couldn't Btand It. Ho grabbed tho pokor away from her. "Don't you seo you aro putting It out? 1 had It nicely started, and you had to butt In." Mm. Dlmploton, loo much occupied with tho problom of tho flro, paid no attention to hor husband, but grabbed tho tongs and Btarted to ro-arrango it. "Yon let mo mako up that Are," roared her husband. Pursuit of Happiness E. Klner. wagon driver, nud ho put out a hand to catch tt as It enme. in so doing, he struck tho elbow of I ho young man who was yearning for his loved and lost one, causing him to lose posses sion of a cup of palo blonde tea which ho was endeavoring to convoy to bin The Seats Were Very Close Together. mouth, the result being that most of the liquid went Into his left eye. Uut, worse than that, the coffee which had boon drawn for Addison Spriggs, be ing diverted from its propor course, went over Into the lap of the hrowery wagon man. It has been said that no man Jias u lap, but this man hnd one, and he seemed to regard It as too precious a possession to bo drenched with another man's coffee. Ho was beginning to make an ungentlcmunly protest, whon Mr. Spriggs said: L. Manson. "Thnt's what you've been Irylng to do. You can't mnko up a 'fire. See, the room Is full of smoke." "You did It." "I didn't! You did." "You nover made a decent fire In your llfo." "If I couldn't mnko a better attempt than that, I wouldn't try." "I won't try nuy more. Olnd to know you think you can mako ono. Just keep on trying." Dlmploton rushed to the closet for his coat. Imaginary Monologues of the Mighty By Count (Transplanted by Henry Tyrrell.) I can remain glum no longer. Af ter 80 years of reading, writing and figuring how to appear to llvo down to my own hard-luck stories (which I must say huvo boon fairly good soil erii, because thoy mnko every man feel thnt ho is a villain, and so ho dutifully gives up his kopecks for my screeds, as a kind of consclonce monoy) I am resolved to bo up and doing somebody, I mean something, or sonio American newspaper, to get a laugbsky. William Denn Howells thinks I ought to do a Russian business. I think William Is a Snr-Doan. As the poetcssen says, Laugh, nnd tho pvoi , lutiglm with you. Snore, and you sleep alone. Tho humorists aro eating up all tho apaco nowadays, ami I want to bo in on that. My first big joke, on Shnkespeare, I havo already sprung, and it looks llko a winner. I am getting returns from it thnt might satisfy u boomer-nng-throwor. I started in blithely, you mny re momber, by declaring that Shako can not bo recognized olther as a great genius or oven ns an average author. Of courso, I don't claim thlB remark as orlginnl. It Is what they all say about Me. Hut note how cloverly I hnvo turned It off on the Englishman. What? Then I go on lo show thnt his 'Hamlot" und othor stnr-vehlcles nnd vnudevillo sketches, aro chock-full of played-out quotations, nnd would not draw a paying house at any ten-twonf-and-thlrf combination thentor on tho Nevsky Prospekt to-dny. I guess that will hold tho bunch for a while, and give mo a chanco to un load my hugo bollor-plato, space-annihilating machine, known jib tho "Tolstoy Cycle of UcndlngB." This "Cycle" tltlo rofors to tho wheels In my venernblo head. Tho thing Itsolf Is my own prlvnto orlginnl scrap book of :!C5 pages ono for each dny In tho year ami contains somo of tho best thlnka from groat thougliters, in cluding Intgojy inysolf, thnt I over wrote. Tho stuff from tho other fol lows Ib printed In plain, ordlnnry type, llko this. My own writings aro "I bog you, sir, to consider tho words of tho poet. Tako an optimis tic vlow of tho mnttor. Why Buffer pain to fill your breast because a cup of coffoo 3pllls within your lap? It could have boon moro dreadful than I was you might hnvo got a boiler ful, old chap." The man who was accustomed to heaving kegs gavo A. Spriggs n vio lent push, Bending him against tho sad young mnn, who roturnod tho compliment by deftly knocking Mr. Spriggs from tho Btool on which ho had boon perched, tn order to avoid trouble Addison Spriggs tossed 15 cents to tho cashier, ns he was leav ing tho place, nnd by thnt llmo tho feeble appetite ho hud possessed when he entered was gono. Iio thoroforo decided to return to his office. Tho elevator was crowded whon ho bognn lo wedgo his way In, nnd It wns whllo ho trlod to get his umbrella into a safe position that ho jabbed tho cud of It into tho enr of a short and testy man at his right. "Here! Whatcha doln. you Nanny goat's grandmother?" tho short man demanded. "Get thnt umbrolln out of my systom or I'll punch your head." "Yes, nnd quit lotttn It drip on mo," directed a tall mnn who Btood where ho got moro than his rightful share of moisture. "My good friends," said Addison Spriggs, "permit mo to nsk you to consider tho words of tho optimistic bnrd, 'When on your bond a brick de scends, be not downcast, but think it well that it was not, ns you pnssod by, n millstone thnt upon you fell.' " This, unluckily, was considered an Insult added to Injury, nnd at tho sev enth lloor Addison Spriggs was flung out of the elovator so violently that he fell upon his umbrolln, ruining It and almost lmpnllng himself. "Optimism's a good thing till you try to practlco It," ho sadly said aB ho returned to work. (Copyright, 1OO0, by W. G. Chapman.) "As for mo," he exclaimed, "I'm go ing down to tho club to got some of your confounded smoke out of my sys tem." "Your Bmoko! I like that. Go! Hope you'll enjoy yourself. Glad to get rid of you." Ho Hlammed the door, and wnlklng down tho front stops exclaimed to him self: "Ha! It worked this tlmo all right." Whllo his wlfo whispered to herself: "Perhaps It is Just as woll. If ho had stayed homo ho would havo want ed mo to rend aloud to him all tho ovcnlng." (Ccpyilt'ht, 1W9, by W. Ci. Chapman.) Leo Tolstoy. printed nil In italics, so that anyone, even nn Kalian, w'lll "know what not to skip. Conio to think of it, mnybo I'd better do tho skipping myself, nnd cut out nil tho other follows' rot bo foro I Bend In my copy, So, hero you huvo tho quintessence of TOLSTOY THE HUMORISTO VICH: My "Motor-Cycle of Readings." Fobrunry 23. A wound Inflicted by weapons mny bo cured, but uovor a wound Inflicted by tho tonguo. There- "William Dean Howells Thinks I Ought to Do a Russian Business." foro, you hnd better hit a man with a piece of lend plpo than toll him IiIb necktlo Is off color. March . llowovor mnny tlmos you mny fall, don't bo n quitter. If nt first you don't miccood, fall, fall again. Also nn lnsuranco flro, followed by a iinerlllco snlo of damaged goods, may help somo. June, 2 p. in. In ordor to oducato n man, flt for tho futuro, to Btnnd nhead of tho present generation, It Is necessary to oducato him wlhlo hav ing Jn vlow nn Ideally porfoct mnn. (Note. My portrait Is run, or ought to be, dally with this Borvico.) Last August. If wo hnvo not tho strength, nor monoy, to burn and dif fuse light, wo should at least rofraln from blowing out tho gns. (Copyright, 1903. by W. Q, Chapman.) TaKoni Compare them with common biscuits, baked, goodness knows Where? YctTakoma Biscuits cost no more than the poorer kinds It's n pleasure and satisfaction to know that Takoma Biscuits are at your grocer's m triple-scaled, moisture-proof packages 5 and 10 cents. IOSE-VlLE3 BISCUIT CO. Early Experiences. Some time aco an nlliee bnv. nnnn-nr. Ing tho tolcphono for tho first tlmo In ! his life, nnd not knowing how to uso It, was told that whon tho bell rnng ho was to answer It. When, therefore, he heard It ring, ho picked up the receiver nnd shouted: "Hello, who's thcro?" Tho nnswer came bade: "I'm 103." "Go on," said the boy. "It's tlmo you were dead." Deafness Cannot Be Cured by Incat tpplicatlons, nn they cannot rrarli tlip ills nmwl K)rtln, of tho car, Ttirre l only ono way lo uro (lialiicM, ami that la by rtiniiltulloml rrninllcs. DrafiKM Is caused by nn Inflamed condition ot llio murom llnlns o tlio i:u&tachlan Tube. When tills tube l.i InilimM )ou have a rumbllnj nound or Im perfect hcarlnc. and when It Is entirely clowl. nnn It tho result, and unless tb biDammsllon ran !m , taken out and this tubo irtorel to lln normal ronOI- lion, nearins win no dMtroyrtl torevrr; nlno caret out ot ten arc cauwt by Catarrb. nlilcli Is nollilDe but an Inflamed condition ot thn mucous mirtares. We will dvo Ono Ilumlred JXillara for any cao of Peafnm (raused by catarrh) that cannot Im cured by Hall's Catarrh Cure. Bern! for circulars, free. r. J. CirCKCV & CO., Toledo, O. Bold by I)ru7Elit.s. ?5e. Talc llall'a TainUy l'llls tor constipation. Wealth of Melody. After a hard day in Wall street ho had been dragged by his spouse to the opera, whero ho promptly proceeded to tako a nap. In tho midst ot It ho wna awakened by this lu tho most soulful accents: "Ah! What a rich chord! Isn't It, dear?" "Er -nh yes how much would you say It's worth?" ho murmured. Tho extrnordlnnry popularity of fino whlto goods thin summer makes tho choice of Stnrcb n mnttor of great Im portance. Dcflnnco Stnrcb, being frco from nil Injurious chemicals, la tho only ono which is snfo to uso on flno fnbrlcs. It great strength as n stlffon or makes half tho usttnl mtantlty of Starch necessary, with tbo result of porfoct flnlBh, equal to thnt when tho goods woro nqw. The Tally. "What aro thoso notches In your gun?" asked tho flirt, who was visiting tho ranch. "Thoy represent mon," replied Cac tus Sim, "who thought thoy wuz Binnrtor thnn I wuz." "A good Idea! 111 have to notch my parasol handle." A Famous Health Builder. A medicino thnt will oIciuiro tho bowel? nnd put them in condition to do their proper work unaided will do more thnn anything else to prcucrvo health nud KtrcnKlh.HSuch a medicino in tho tonin lnx ntivc herb ten, Lane's Fnmily Medicine. Oct n 25c pactoiRQ to-dny nt nny druKit or denier. No matter what you hnvo tried before, try this fnnious herb tea. Dull. tho dullest "There goes mnn in town." "Is that bo?" "Yes; he's tho only man I know that hasn't n flrst-rnto solution of tho street car problem." Detroit Frco Press, L Important to Mothoro. Examine carefully every bottlo of CASTOIUA a safe nnd sure remedy for infants and children, and seo tint it Signature otZMU In Uso For Over 'AO Years. Tho Kind You Have Always Nought. The Natural Proceeding. Editor I say, this story's too long about that fellow's hanging hlmsolf. Reporter What ahall I do about It? Editor Cut him down. Pnin nnd swelling K)ldom indicato in ternal oi-Riinic trouble. Thoy ntu inmally the rentilt of local eold or iiillammation which can Iks quickly removed by a little Uamlins Wizard Oil. Try and nee. Woman's tasto for dross Is so In Btlnctlvo thnt a dairy maid could read ily and becomingly change posi tions with a socloty queen. Tako flat Held Teal Mndo of Ilerlw, it is puio, potent, henlth-giving tlio moat ra tional remedy for iMMixtliutioti, liver nnd kidney dUcates, At nil unitf Htorcs. Aftor having boon bo mnd ho couldn't say things a mnn boglna to boast of his wonderful Boll-control. i MM A 1I WM NE IVI Ail iLrfai TDkll i U licvu DItcinpor iimonj; tlln -jOl IB. ST JUaOlfllljjp ,!!Im'H iirrnlhB'-linst"iiMH-r mar tiilii Minio uf them -corn plnmtiiK inuy be Into II your wii-m-h li.trn 1)1 -.temper. SFOHN'S DISTEMPER CURE Ik vim- true Hiifovuiinl- u i-tiri- ns vl uh jirrvcntlvo Wit lind !IX) Ihiillo-JA.H) nml AHUHIiloji'ii. dellveriMl. t.urs" In moro tliim twluo tlio nmnllei-Hlte. Don't imtltotT. (lottt- DruKsrUlM-oVHelidtounuiufacttirof. Spnlm Medical Co., Chemllll and nctteilatoKlils, Goshen. Inil., U.S.A. Omissions of History. Romulus, hnvlng built Home, was constructing n wall mound It. "Wbat's tho uso of putting n wnll on tho north side?" Jeered Hcmus. "Evnnston wlllnovcr try to break In." Then onsucd the first boxing contest in tho new city, with tho result, ns nil tho world knows, that Renins was per manently knocked out. Lewis' Single Hinder Btraicht 5c. You pay 10c for t'lgaiti not o i;ood. Your deal er or Lewis' Factory, l'coria, III. A man's religion nover dies so long ns he uses tho golden rulo In measur ing his actions, Mr. AVInalowV Knntlilnc Syrup. Vor I'Mldren tcntblnir, nflens tho iiiiran, reduces In Cumulation, allays palu, euros w Iml collu. Ulo a buttle. -As 6oon as a man marries, his sins decrease. $ZL5 "Gimron1 SICK HEADACHE Poaltl vcly cured by those Little Pills. Tliey iiIho relievo Dlft- ' treMHfrom DymiepMit.In illKi'HtlnuniulTooIIenrty liiilliiff. A perfect rem edy for nizliifhM, Knu Hen, DruwHliiCHH, Had ThhI n In tlio Month. Cout eil ToiiKiie, Pnin 111 tlio Hlilo, TOKPin UVKK. Thoy rcifulato tbo IIuwcIh. Purely Vegetable. SMALL PILL, SMALL DOSE. SMALL PRICE. Genuine Must Dear Fac-Similo Signature REFUSE SUBSTITUTES. ORLU WBAR3 1300 35S I BMnMMQ TL- f . .... .o..a. . " 1 111 ivcnsan i nint anuocu riore rien s sj.uu and J J. 50 Shoes Than Any Olber Manulsclurer tsbicsassl Klvstbtwtsrrthbntato(th meit compltts orrsslsstlen ottrslofd as ptrtsstnttklllslihosmskcrstntiis country Tbs seltetlooof tbtlesthtrirorstcbpirtof tl hot, ana srtry Ustsllottbs msklss in erary dipsrtineBt. Is looked slttr by tho bttt ihoi mskars In tha ihoo Indmtry. It I could show yon bow carefully W.L.Dontlss iboas srotnsda, ?ou would thin UDdaritssd why thty bold hair ahapa, flt batter, and wear longer tbsn any other make. MuMttliwt nf running IhoHnttt main thtm itnr flexible unit Lanatr Wnnrinti thnn anu ofwre. Hlicms for Kvnry Munilmr of tlio Family, .Men, lloya U iiiiiKii, AIIhhuh imiiI Clillilreii. bur Nilu by ahoo ileitlura everywhere. PAIITIflUI f""1B wenuliia without W, 1., Iiouxlas UHU I lUrte name mul iirle ataniKU nn lintiom, I'a.t (uUr r?l.le utfd eirteilirlr. (alelfvve llallril trtf. H. L. UOl'CUtl, 1SI fcl'AUK bTUllT, UUIH.1U, HISS. CARTER'S pBTT.X glVER ' ICARTERS , WlTTtE I J PILLS. Jt.CO and $9.00 Ihoei $7.00 and $2.00 Iboea Boys' ihoea $1.00 to $1.00 I t.7."3 J. At ' j. R til ."A-ri ft' y .& wi gJ MS'-:: m V.V Y 7:MV,. V"'4 A Tm irlnjr thnt IkiihciI tlit..imen limion or vanilla. IlyillsholrliiKcriniiiliil-'il nnpir In wittt-raiKl itililliiK Mnplcliif. it tlnlli-lmiH rjrtup I iiiado nnd u urup beltct than tiupte. M.iplnllin In hold liyiiroconi. I f nut t.cnd ITnt t nr 2oi.bot.undrcclrabook. t'rncmillff. (o,. "A Little Cold is a Dangerous Thing" and often leads to hasty disease and dcth when neglected. There ate many ways to treat a cold, but there b only one right way use the right remedy. DKJD.JAYNE'S EXPECTORANT is tbe surest and safest remedy known, for Coughs, Croup, Bronchitis, Whooping Couch, Asthma,, Pleurisy. It cures when other remedies fall Do something for your, cold In time, you know what delay means, -Jon know the remedy, too Dr. D. Jayne's Expectorant. ' Bottla In three !ic. $1, 50c. 25c 45 to 50 Bu. of Wheat Per Acre have been it own on farm lands In WESTERN CANADA fvjuch lsi would bo talislacloiy. The gen. cral averaeo is above twenty bushels. "AllnrelouJIn tlirlr praises of the irrent crons jnil thnt won deiful country."- lir- trj't fm-n ccmspondrnre AVitiew iZJIIutu! Association of August, IfOi, It ii now pojtible to tccure a homcilead of 160 acres (ten and another I60ecie at $3.00 per acre, l lundrcdi have paid the coit ol their (arms (if purchatetj) and then had a balance ol from 510.00 to $ 1 2.00 ier acre bom one crot. Wheat, bailey, oatt, flax nil do well. Mixed (aiming it a great tucceti ond dairying is highly piofitable. Excel lent climate, splendid schools and churchej, rsil ways brinrj moit every district within easy reach of maiket. Railway and land companies diao lands tor tale at low prices and on eaiy terms. "Lnst Hest West" pamphlets nni! mops sent free. I'or these nnd Information us to haw to sreuro lowest rullway rMtrf, apply to 8upeilntenilent of Immigration, Ottawn, Canadu, or the uuthorUcd Canutllon Govern ment Acent: W. V. DENNETT, SOI tlcw Tark Llfa Bulldlof. Omiba, Ntfcriils. Tliis Trade-mark Elinrinuics All Uncertainty inJIiepurcUdseof aint materials. t is an absolute guarantee of pur ity and quality. l''or your own protection, sec that it is on the side of every krg of white iead you buy. KTiomiocor,:piKT 110 J Tiltlly CulUIng, Kit Ttvk Bad Breath "I'or mouths I had great trouble with my stomach and used all kinds of medicines. My tongue has been actually as teen us grass, my breath having a bad odor. Two weeksago a friend recommended Cascarets and nftcr using them I can willingly and cheerfully cay that they have, entirely cured me. I therefore let you know that I nhall recommend them to any one suffer ing from such troubles." Chns. II. IIul. pern, j 14 Ii, 7th St., New York, N. Y. Pleasant, Palatable, Potent, Taste Good. Do Good. Nover Jilclcen, Weaken or Gripe. 10c, 2Sc, .Wo. Never sold In bulk. Tho sren ulne tablet stamped CCC. Guaranteed to euro or your money back. 023 DEFIANCE Gold Water Starch mnUcii laundry work a pleavuro. 10 Ci. pkg. lOu. W. N. U OMAHA, NO, 1mYo9. " mm i