THE ALLIANCE HERALD, FRIDAY, APRIL I I, 1022.
TTTRFBt
, RANDOM SHOTS
Springfield, O., it seems, has a I
bachelor who recently applied for a!
job on the city's police forte in order,'
is he said, to keep the girls from kiss
ing him. We must make it a point to
asK Sheriff Miller and Chief Jeftersl
if it really acts as a preventative.
But, then, mavl the charm is no
good except for bachelors.
Jesse Miller, down at the Fa'm
Room, has been reducing alonp with
the rest of us. The only difference is
that he wears some kind of a health
belt. You tighten the thing up a notch
every morning and Christian Science
lces the rest.
The first three days of this week,
though, Jesse was tolerably worried.
The health belt was reducing his waist
measure, all right, but the displaced
fat was forcing itself up on top of the
contraption instead of dissolving into
thin air. He looked like a pouter
pigeon or a chorus girl. Just as all
hope was about to be abandoned, a
traveling salesman happened along
who solved the mystery. He told
Jesse that he had hi3 harness on up
side down.
Jesse is smiling again.
' Abe Isaacson's new canoe has ar
rived and Abo is as tickled as a boy
with a new rifle. Five minutes after
it was on display in Darling's window,
Abe was gathering his friends about
it. "Well, boys," he said, "don't you
think we ought to chrUtian it."
In those days of hi;.h prices and
seal city, baptism should be fully as
clfective as breaking a bottle of cham
pagne actus the prow.
(TKl.LING THK WORLD.)
(Cre.;ton, la.. Advertiser.)
From the mayor: The pin-headed
nincompoop who started report that
I had refused to let carloads of pota
toes be sold in Creston is an un
mitigated liar. Can't say it any
stronger in newspajcr, but I'd like to
say a few words privately to the lying
whelp who started it. Keith, mayor.
The Georgia Railway and Tower
company of Atlanta is among the
many who are seeking to graft a little
free publicity from the country news
papers of Nebraska. In a recent blurb
on business conditions in that state, it
is predicted that unemployment in
Georgia will have virtually dis
appeared by July. If business keeps
on disappearing, a lot of us will do
well to head in that direction about the
20th of June.
UP-TO-DATE RHYMES.
Five paydays hath September,
April, July and November
All the rest have only four
And that's the thing that makes us
sore.
Up in Nebraska City a man went
into a bookstore and asked for pome
thing "racy" to read. They sold him a
copy of "Ben Hur."
One would think that the Whizzbunk
and the Hot Dorg had hit that town
long ago.
CUB I'Kl'OKTKK'S LAMENT.
(Nebraska City l'res.)
hOw doAr to ni?v hoarTT is My
Bii:Tod TTcWriter WHEN sal'ly
be Fore It i Sit down To Work, In
IrvlNG to SoI,L out Tile name of a
MighTEr, It Stol'ps in the MiDdle,
then starts with a JliKK, or when I
AM tryiNG to WKite for the Taper
poETIc elTUSions that herein appear,
the CaUKIagc GETS jammed, Or
l'ERforms soMe iuoer CAPer and
then the old ribbOn spooL
OUt of GEar!
conic S
A farmer ru.-hed into town and in
quired of the first man he met where
he could find an undertaker. "An un
dertaker," the man asked solicitously,
"is there someone dead in your place?"
"No," replied the farmer, "but my
wife is mighty sick." "Well, then,"
the man advised, "what you want is a
physician, not an undertaker." "No,"
said the farmer, "what I want is an
undertaker. You know I have joined
the United States Grain Growers, and
we have cut out all these middlemen."
Someone was telling the good things
that dentists do for humanity. "Why,
I know a man who was cured of in
sanity by having his teeth pulled."
"Yes," said the other man, who was a
good friend of a dentist, "But," the
first man added, "when he got the bill,
he went crazy again."
LABOR PROBLEMS.
At "home work" one night, Henry
Smith, Jr., was assigned to tussle with
one of those eternal problems begin
ning, "If it takes five men working ten
hours a day to complete a certain
piece of work "
Next morning the answers to all the
o:her problems were neatly written
'iit. In place of at t hinir in the blank
space under that particular one, how
ever, was a b'icf note from Henry
Smith, Sr.:
"Esteemed Madam: 1 refused to let
Henry do the sum jou give him yes
tcrday, because it looks to me like a
slam on the eight-hour day. Any sum
not more than eirht hours he is wel
come to do. and if hn irrtj it vrnnir 1
will put in the extra two hour licking;
the stuffing out of him. Yours truly,
H. SMITH, Sr."
LEGS,
l egs to the right of us,
I-egs to the left of us,
Legs in front of us.
How they display them!
On they go trippingly,
Dainty and skippingly,
Fiosts that bite nippingly,
Do not dismay them,
Stright legs and bandy legs
Bum legs and dandy ones,
Awkward and handy ones,
Flirt with the breezes:
Hound legs and flatter ones,
Thin legs and fatter ones,
Especially the latter ones,
Showing the kneeses.
Knock-kneed and bony ones,
Heal legs and phony ones,
Silk-covered tony ones,
Second to none,
Straight and distorted ones,
Mates and ill-sorted ones,
Home and imported ones,
Ain't we got fun?
We put on Ford top covers complete
foY $12.00. Thrclkcld. 124 Wot M
Street. 33-tf
If you have ao1 to sill, we L.
K. IHiss. 10-tf
Mr. Darwin, if alive, might concede,
at that, that his theory of evolution
could not explain W illiam J. Bryan.
Columbia Record.
Wet wash calls received before
S:"0 will le returned by 2 p. m
20 lbs. for $1. Alliance Steam
Laundry. 3S-tf
Auto tops, curtains, auto upholster
ing. Thrclkcld the Top Man, 124 West
3rd Street. 33-tf
Wanted to buy Some second
hand heavy woven fence wire.
L. E. Bliss 40-41
Herald Wan-t Ads are read.
Vapors reach deep colds
When the cold "goes down" get after it by
the rubbing and vapor method.
Obstinate colds that go down
into the chest can be reached by
the combination rubbing and
vapor-inhaling method with
Vicks VapoRub.
Apply Vicks over throat and
chest. Rub well in, spread on
thickly and cover with two thick
nesses of flannel. At night ar
range bedclothes loosely, like a
funnel, so the arising vapors
will be breathed all night, right
into the lungs.
Quick relief should be had
from the tightness, soreness and
cough with rapid loosening of
the phlegm, abating danger of
pneumonia or influenza.
Vicks contains the antiseptic,
healing vapors of Camphor,
Menthol, Eucalyptus, Thyme
and Oil of Turpentine and is
the standby in millions of homes
for congestions of nose, throat,
and chest; skin hurts and itch
ings, and various bodily pains.
Once tried, Vicks becomes a
stand-by in the medicine cabinet.
Just rub it on
breathe in the vapors
and X0C3
vapors 'V VAROR
UQ
Ovmr 17 MlZion Jan IW Ymartf
Help Make
Alliance More
Attractive.
It's Our City
Let's Be Proud
of It.
(uLiLlL J O o 1L (yllLJilL IL LJ U
JJ. -LL
. r
A Town With
Green Lawns
Is a Better
Place for
All of Us to Live.
All nature and mankind is dressing up with the new season. The dull, drab sombre Winter has passed and it's now time to put on .
a new front. The merchants listed below are ready to help you all offering: you service that is 100 per cent efficient, as well as materials of
the highest quality. Prices, too, are more attractive than ever.
"Do Your Bit" the Week of April 24 to 29
It:
Put On Screens
for Cleaner Homes
TT Jl V fi
z.fc jeep ine nome iree
(C XL from pestiferous flies.
It's Cleaner, Healthier and Infinitely
More Pleasant.
WE CARRY FULL LINE OF SIZES IN STOCK
Forest Lumber Go.
Brighten Up
With Paints and
Enamels
You can help out the Clean
up and Paintup Campaign by
using paints and enamels but you w ill help yourself too.
They Make A Pleasanter Place to Live
USE MURESCO OR KYANIZE
F. J. BRENN AN
ii& siittf Maws
; rr (J
t lassR Of
& fife n '
Alliance Clean-Up, Paint-Up April 23
"I LIKE TO SEE A MAN PROUD OF
THExPLACE HE LIVES IN." .
LINCOLN.
GET BUSY
USE THE RAKE
AND THE SPADE
Make a Cleaner PLANT FLOWERS
ALLIANCE. PLAN A GARDEN
We Supply the Tools
Newberry Hardware Co.
"Tar1'
Fix 'Em Up
Why not make Clean
up and Paint-Up
Week the occasion for
K A . nnrrino' thnt. hnni-rt in
the baclTpoi-ch floor, for building a new set
of back steps. They need fixing before
someone gets hurt.
J. H. Melville Lbr. Co.
J A JV
THE OFFICIAL CITY SCAVENGER WILL CART THE REFUSE AWAY.
We have extra men and equipment and can take care of you on very short notice.
SAM SHELT0N, Official City Scavenger
till