THE ALLIANCE HERALD. TUESDAY, APRIL 1. 1022
THREE
RANDOM SHOTS
John Guthrie pot the compliment it
liis lite at the Imperial theater lt
night. John read the proloRue to the
"'three Musketeers," all in poetry, and
lie pot away good. Not until it wa.i all
oer did he realize just how pood he
Lad been. A small boy came up to nim
f nd said: "Mr. Gutnrie, that h
fine speech you made tonight."
Don C. Van Leusen of Blair arises
to remark that you can't always some
times tell often the prett.est silk
stockings that you see on the street
may have a hole in the toe.
And yet, with Don
way, some people will
say that what you
hurt you.
worrying this
have nerve to
don't know can't
Jimmy Maxfield says that the most
pearly teeth may have yawnin;r cavi
ties in them. Mike Nolan thin.vs t ;U
the very nicest coal sheds mav rot
have any coal in them. And Bill
Kumer would say, if you urged l:i:n,
that some of the very best garages
will house nothing better than u Ford.
Our dad writes that he has pur
chased another newspaper. Great
Scott! We have all the grief that we
want with one. At his age, one
would.it think that a man would be
wanting any more trouble.
Some folks certainly do crave pun
ishment. Tn this column last week we pub
lished a parody on the twenty-third
psalm. We remarked, pleasantly, that
it was a parody on the Lord a prayer.
And it eot by with everyone but the
oreachers and maybe with some of
them.
Old Man Weekes of the Norfolk
Press insinuates that while a cud of
chewing tobacco may not look so nice
as a cigarette, on the other hand,
chewing tobacco starts no fires.
Thev tell us that Carl Rockey dis
connected a wire or two on City Man
ager Kemmish's motor car the morn
ing of All Fools' day, and chuckled
merrily for almost half an hour whiio
tho boss of the city tried to get her
ktarted. That nieht. in front of tie
Imperial, some friend jacked up one
However, they obligingly helped hv.n
push the auto back on the pavement
before he'd revealed any of his knowl
tnlire of the laniruaire profane to his
o - w
companion.
toonerwllenews NOTES
(Discovered by the Chadron Journal)
Hay Springs News! About 1 o'clock
Tuesday night or rather Wednesday
morning, the fire bell sounded the
alarm which was followed by the re
iinrt that the Catholic church was on
fire. Everybody was sleeping soundly
nnrl it was necessary to ling the bell
a long time to arouse the people and
then only about 25 responded, to the
call, only to find that someone had seen
the candles burning through tho win
f th church and supposing it
to be on fire gave out the alarm.
Oelrichs Advocate: Tuesday the
town board had the old gas lamp that
niTivt the, street at the town pump
removed, an extension of several feet
added to th-i pipe and an electric light
installed, making a ueciueu improve
ment.
WITH THE SPEED MANIACS.
Motorist I have not paid a cent for
repairs on that machine during all the
ha that I've had it.
Prospective Buyer So the man who
repaired it told me.
Bill I was driving my Ford the
r.thtr lav and came to a river, but I
rnnliln't find anv way to get my ma
chine across.
D.ivo Well, what did vou do?
Bill Oh, just sat there and thought
it over.
A. D. Roderers will be interested in
this, even it it does come too late to
solve a problem he once faced: "In
assuming otfice as mayor of Magnetic
Siiimrs. O.. Mrs. Mary McFadden,
eighty years young, announced that
she would serve doughnuts and coffee
at each meeting in hopes of inducing
the councilmen to attend.
UH-IIUH!
(Nebraska City Press.)
It's easy enough to be pleasant
With a lass, a glass and a song;
But the man worth while
Ij lYia criiv vhr will smile
When he s got the old woman along.
A Seattle, Wash., girl was arrested
for having a revolver strapped to her
knee, but, as one of our most witty
eclyumists suggests, she wasn't gudty
of carrying concealed weapons.
WK WANTED A CHANGE.
(Omaha World-Herald.)
We were getting a dollar six-bits for
our co'-n.
We could sell every hide from the hoof
to the horn
We wanted a chance and we trot it.
Now we're getting a quarter for corn.
It's so cheap
That we burn it for fuel, our toes
warm to keep.
We citn't sell the hides so we burv
them deep
But we wanted a change and we
got it.
The poor working man pulled ('own
eiirht bucks a day.
Now he's dam glad to work for half
of that pay
But he wanted a change and 1 e
got it.
There was work and plenty for every
man's son.
And warm food and shelter when that
work was done:
Now millions are idle, heretofore there
were r.one
But we wanted a change and we
got it.
Mr. Wilson spent quite a long time
"over there:"
For peace he was fighting, but w'at
did we care
We wanted a change and we rot it.
Now all that we read is of golf .tnd
vacations,
Gay week-ends at summer resorts und
plantations:
Not what we expected from the head
of a nation
But we wanted a change and we
got it.
We were prosperous and happy, well
fed and gay.
Now millions of children go hungry
each day
We wanted a change and we get it.
Meanwhile we hear this: "It was cer
tain to come
Reaction from war time," and war
three years done.
If we wanted a lemon we sure did
pick one
But we wanted a chnge and we
got it.
AILROAD NOTES
Although bu: iness is several thou
sand tons greater than for March last
jear the coal strike has made u notice
i'blo decrease in freight movement.
The oil business, however, is still with
us t-trung and is our main Ktay al
though considerable lumber is still
moving. The increase in business over
last year was due to good oil business
and the quick demand lately for empty
cars for coal loading purposes, this
made west bound business very strong
rnd since this supply has been filled,
empty coal cars are being stored at
Antioch and ' west bound business is
now if anything lighter than the east
bound.
Mr. and Mrs. Ray Hoag, who has
been visiting at Hoe Springs, Ark.,
for some time, returned home last
week after visiting a short time with
relatives in Omaha.
The third trick operator's position
at Belmont was displaced last week.
Miss Blanche Schurr formerly held
he position.
Arthur Uhl has boon working the
third trick operator's position at Edge
mont since Mr. Ihurmonds resigna
ion there, lhe position will be as
siirned soon. Guv Kinir of Mema will
probably be the oldest balder upon this
position
Conductor G. F. Dill layed off a trip
the last of the week going to Seneca
on 41 Saturday for a short visit.
K. J. Sterns spent several days last
week on business in Deadwoou, return
ing to Alliance Saturday morning.
Several section laborers were placed
on the division, etiective Mommy
morning. It is not thought that any
more increase in force will be made
for another month with the possible
exception of an extra gang raising
track and later on a fence gang will
commence work. The increase allows
the majority of the local sections now
three men although some have only
two as yet but they will work all week,
from now on instead of only every
other day as had previously been the
case.
CHURCH OF CHRIST.
It was very pleasing to see so many
men, women and children at the-serv
ices both morning and evening, lhe
three Endeavor societies met in one
room and held a united service. Many
were unable to take part on account ui
the time being too brief. Next Lord's
day is what is usually known as
Palm Sunday, and there will be spe
cial music and tho sermons in keeping
with the day.
Wednesday evening at 7 o clock will
be the business- meeting of the Bible
school officers and teachers. Follow
ing this will be the regular prayer
meetine.
At 7 o clock on luesday evening is
the monthly business meeting of the
Endeavor society.
On Monday evening thirty-hve mem
bers of the church board and choir met
at the church in business session.
After the business was finished re
freshments were served and a social
time was enioved.
The Ea-ster program is under prep
aration and will be given on the even-
mi? of AdhI 16.
lou are certain to receive a wel
come at all regular services.
S. J. ErLic.lt, Minister.
COMMENTS.
The Herald's All Fools Number
cm- diil wake 'em up. The most in-
tpiest-nf fun was to stand on the
sidelines. and listen to the comments
tome of the readers made before and
after they got on to the idea.
Thus, at least fifty men, in reading
the headlines on the first article, said:
"When the heck did Tom Gray get out
cf jail?"
One dainty lady's eyes fell on the
school dance story. According to Earl
Kallerv, she said: "Why, the old wal
rus. Why didn't he do that when I
tvort in school?"
" " - . . ,
Only one man has been discovered.
v ho is ctownrignt sore awui n. lum
Cray confided to Sheriff Miller that he
thought it was an outrage. Trouble
vith Tom is that it wasn't true.
Friend Earl is learning the delights t
if motoring, and is rapidly paining a
lot of new flivver experience. When
he has driven through a garage door!
and has discovered the iras tank'
empt' about ten miles out in the
sandhills, he'll wonder why he ever
iWnn--lit there 'd bo. anv pleasure in
.owning a Ford.
We put on Ford top covers complete
for $12.00. Threlkdd. 124 West 3d
Street. 3"tf
BAPTIST CHURCH.
Hiirh points at Sunday's services
lhe largest Sunday school attendance
save one since the pastor ha"s been in
Alliance, and that time was a special
occasion. This is encouraging to the
pastor, for it was not his ellort during
the week, as he has been kept at home
becau.-e of sickness of members of the
family. It proves that the teachers
are on the job seven days a week; that
the nunils come because they are vital
ly interested The men's class received
one more new member, and the study
of what would become of the Jew at
the second coming of Christ was espe
ciallv interesting.
Next Sunday we take up the topic
"What Will Become of the People Who
flave Never Heard the Gospel, at the
Judgment?" All men who are not at
tending other Bible schools are enpc-
ciallv welcome. We meet at 10 a. m
The evening audience packed the
house again, compelling us to think of
enlarged quarters. Someone whispere
rather loudlv. "Lets take olf a sec
tion of the root, showing tnai me
April Fool paper was not without some
trood sus-irestion. Owing to the flu
some were not able to be baptised
however, two followed Christ in scrip
tural baptism.
Don't forget the annual roll call to
morrow at which meeting every mem
ber of the church U supposed to be
present. The afternoon will be taken
up with reports of the various depart
ments. Picnic supper will follow, then
at the evenintr the election of officers.
and that with the roll-call. Let's multe
it a 100 per cent meeting
B. J. MINORT, Pastor.
Instructions to tho assessors also lay
tres. vimn differentiating U'twern
acres owned anil rented and acres
liaed for cash or on a share oa-iis.
Under the caption of "number of aTo.
owned," the assessors are requested to
list the number of acres of occupied
farm on which the operator pays lei t.
all land oin'rated by the managers, but
no land that is not operated by ccu
pant. Land leased to other operators
will le listed by them as rented land,
according to the instructions.
In listing the number of ncivs
rented from others, the nssessors will
list the total numler of acres occu
pant rents from others, and not the
acres leased to others.
Instructions in obtaining statistics
on other crops and farm equipment
are unchanged.
Dispatcher R. V. Cox has been lay
ing otr lor some time on account oi
sickness in his family. Relief Dis
patcher, G. Eekhart, has been working
his trick which does not allow the re
maining dispatchers to have their one
day a week off, however, they will re-
eive bonus pay for working the extra
days.
A large number of "flu" cases are
Ftill prevalent around Alliance. A
majority of these cases being among
railroad men and their families, for
the most pail the cases are not severe
although one is generally confined to
led for about ten days and is then
generally "no account" for another ten
lays.
Charles Clark of Broken Bow has
been assigned the Ellsworth section,
relieving Mr. Hart Lancaster, who has
accepted a position in the Alliance
yards. Mr. Clark visited with his ram
lly over night in Broken Bow Satur
day and plans to move to Ellsworth
r on.
MYSTERIDUSPAINS AND ACHES
Make Life Hard to Bear for Many
Alliance Women.
Too many women mistake their
pains and acnes for troubles peculiir
to the sex. More often disordered kid
neys are causing the aching back,
dizzy spells, headaches and irregular
urination. Kidney weakness becomes
dangerous if neglected. Use actinic
tried kidney remedy Doan's Kidney
Pills. Hosts of people testify to 'heir
merit. Read an Alliance case:
Mrs. Archie Middleton, Hox , 847,
says: "In our home, Doan's Kidney
Piils are a family medicine. I took
them when I had backache and other
symptoms of kidney complaint I had
dizzy spells and headaches that came
on when my kidneys were not acting
properly. A short use of Doan's Kid
ney Pills, bought at Holsten's Drug
Store, alwavs regulated and strength
ened my khineys. The attacks of back
ache and dizzy spells left."
Price 60c, at all dealers. Don't
simply ask for a kidney remedy jrot
Doan's Kidney Pills the same that
Mrs. Middleton had. Fostor-Milburn
Co., Mfrs., Buffalo, N. Y. 5-A
Swiss hotel waiters threaten to
strike against tips. Is this a scheme
to attract tourists?
A. J. Livingston, living near Ash
land City, Tennessee, says: "I feel
like going from house to house anil
telling the people about Tanlac." F.
E. Holsten. ' 7
y1 Your Garden
ifil GET READY FOR YOUR P'
I GARDEN If you had one last hf&
11 A --year you know the pleasure vTl
jJt the healthy exercise and profit t I 1 I !
yty Good tools will lighten the
labor and make your garden r
iC work a real pleasure. LNi
! We carry every tool necessary Is Knj j
; to make your garden a real it it
success. The best quality 0nf i
there was a time when
atlxin
Was
luxury
Assessors Required
to Gather Statistics
While on the Job
In an endeavor to ascertain the
number of registered livestock on Ne
braska farms, county assessors, in
compiling the annual agricultural sta
tistics which is a part of their luties,
have been instructed by lieo btun
secretary of the state department of
agriculture, to list all animals that ac
tually have registration papers, but
not to include those that are desig
nated as pure bred, if not registered.
lhis information, the nrst to ne
souirht in the accumulation of agri
cultural statistics, later will be used .;s
a basis for determining the nnmoer
and kinds of breeds of registered live
stock, according to Mr. Stuhr. Bocf.u.-e
such a report will involve a great
amount of detail and the mimmu'ii
amount of space available on trio
sessors' book-;, the assessors ire not
asked to secify breeds in !heir re
turns.
Two other new features are included
in instructions to assessors this ye; r.
The number of acres of alfalfa, tweet
clover and red clover seed as wdl as
hay acreages of alfalfa, sweet c ocr,
red clover, timothy and timothy and
clover, will be compiled. In the ca-e
of seeds, an effort is being mnle to
obtain the number of acres which were
cut for seed, as distinguished from
those clovers for use as hay.
.Statistics gathered by the assessors
for agricultural statistics are not for
taxation purposes, it is pointed out, but
the law. requires that assessors must
r.htAin this information at a penalty of
forfeiting salary for their services. The
returns are required to be in the hands
nf the detmrtment of acriculture by
July 1.
CHIROPRACTIC FOR RHEUMATISM
Chiropractors locate and adjust the cause of Rheumatism by using
CHIROPRACTIC VERTEBRAL ADJUSTMENTS with the bare hands
only. The cause will be found in the pressure on nerves, through the
vertebrae (small bones of the spine) being subluxated (displaced).
The vital force is thus prevented from flowing through the nerves to
the various organ", and abnormal metabolism is produced, with tho
resultant formation of uric acid. These vertebrae are put into projer
alignment by the skilled hands of the Chiropractor, the formation of
uric Jicid is eliminated and the pain in the diilerrnt parts of the body
disappears. Con.-ultation and S'pinal Analysis Free.
DRS. JEFFREY & SMITH
Newspapers Said It Was An "Epi
curean Luxury and Undemocratic9 9
THE FIRST BATHTUB in the United States was in
stalled in Cincinnati, Ohio, December 20, 1842. It
was exhibited and explained by the owner at a Christmas
party and four guests ventured to take a plunge. The
following day newspapers designated it as "an epicur
ean luxury and undemocratic," as it lacked simplicity
in its surroundings.
They Almost Prohibited Bathing
In 1843 the Philadelphia Common Council considered an ordi
nance prohibiting bathing between November 1 and March 15.
This ordinance failed to pass but by two votes. And in Boston two
years later it was made unlawful to bathe except upon medical ad
vice. IT COST LOTS OF MONEY
During the session of 1813 the legislature of Virginia laid a tax of Thirty Dollars
a year on all Rath tubs that might be set up In Hartford. Providence, Charleston and
Wilmington, special and very heavy water rates were laid on persons who had bathtubs.
Bathing Now Considered Necessity
The tables are reversed now. People who do not bathe regularly
and frequently are as much of an oddity as these first regulations.
The bathtub is now a necessity.
Almost all of the Homes Built Today are Equipped With Modern
Sanitary Bathrooms.
John E. Heooeberry
Phone 250
PLUMMNG AND HEATING CONTRACTOR
112 West Third Street
IMll.llilllWtMl