THE ALLIANCE HERALD. TUESDAY, MARCH 28, 1D22
rnnEu
RANDOM SHOTS
We are wondering whether the sign-
- ... . . " ' v in ail.
which now adorns the top of the citv's
jvivuinv mj(ii was iumisnea copv to
follow, or whether he was plain '"in
spired"? The spelling is certainly
fearfully and wonderfully done.
1 NEVER GOSSIP, BUT
The columnist of the ScottsblufT
Star-Herald claims to have heard this
nn the street:
"What Bort of people are those who
"moved next door to you yesterday,
Mrs. Gadder?"
"I really don't know, and I never
talk about my neighbors. All I know
is that their truck came in a beet rack
in one load; that only one of the beds
has any brass in it; most of the furni
ture looks old; the glass in the dresser
5s broken; there's six in the family:
the children are all boys but one and
she's a girl and her mother doesn't
know how to dress her; they have two
clogs; the man is about twenty years
older than the woman; he had a
squabble with the man who drove the
leet rack; and their name is Blank.
But if you really want to know some
thing about them you will have to ask
somebody else, as I never pry into my
neighbors' business."
Here in Alliance, if a man stopped
long enough to hear this much, Chief
Jefiers would arrest him for blocking
the traffic
Down in Lincoln, bold, bad burglars
stole an office safe weighing 300
pounds and took it away with them.
The Herald's office weighs about
"00 pounds. We hope no burglar runs
away with it, but if he does, we'd give
four bits to see the look on his face
when he opens the cash drawer.
THE DEADLtTgOLLUP GERM
(Isolated by John W. Guthrie)
'Who's the stranger, mother dear?
Look he knows us; ain't he queer?"
"Hush, my child don't talk bo wild;
He's your father, dearest child."
"'He's my father? No such thing!
Father died away last spring."
"Father didn't die, you dub!
Father joined the golfing club.
But they've closed the club, so he
Had no place to go, you see
No place left for him to roam
That is why he's coming home.
Kiss him he won' bite you, child;
All them golfing guys look wild."
THE PRIZE GOAT GETTER
"We nominate for this exalted honor
the bird who looks. over his friend
who has just completed ten week3 of
dieting to reduce and says: "Huh!
Someone was saying that you are get
ting thin. Hanged if I can see how
they get that way. You're looking as
fat as ever."
Barney OUlfield says that in all" his
auto driving career, in a race or out,
he never crossed a railroad track at
a fast speed, or with his car in direct
drive. He slows down to stop, look
and' listen. And yet Barney has won
his share of the races. What's more
important, he's still in the game
with no parts missing.
TODAY'S BEST STORY
The great dective stood before the
rich merchant, waiting for his in
structions. "It's thi3 way," began the
merchant. "I have been robbed of
hundreds of dollars. A rascal has
gone about the country, pretending
to be a collector of ours. He has
simply coined money. Why, in a week
he has collected more than all our
travelers put together. He must be
found as quickly as possible. Spare
no expense."
"Right," said the detective, "within
a week he will be in prison."
"Prison!" cried the merchant. "Why
man, I don't want him arrested, I
want to employ him."
A lot of editors are worrying about
Ole Buck's health. He has just leased
his newspaper and will hereofter do
. nothing but loaf around! and write a
column of "Buckshot" once a week.
However, the friends who are fretting
don't think he's had a bad break-down
they fear that with nothing to do
but write one column a week he'll get
fat and lazy. Be of good cheer, boys
Ole hasn't really done any more
than that since he got the missus and
the daughter running the shop for
him.
THE GREAtTuNWASHED
(Hamilton County Register)
This week at a movie we had the
misfortune to be within "the sphere of
influence," or "danger zone" of a man
whose feet were foetid. We had an
v almost irresistable inclination to call
his attention to the claims made for a
certain advertised preparation called
"Mom" if he was so circumstanced
that he did not feel warranted in
burying them, which perhaps would be
the most effective way.
HOW DOES IT AFFECT YOU?
(Probably From the W. T. C. U. White
Ribbon).
Jone3 had been troubled with in
somnia. He tried several alleged cures
without success. One day he told his
trouble to his friend. Brown.
"Why, I know the very thing for
you." Brown said, after Jones had con
cluded. "Meet me tonight, I have
some stuff out home which will fix
vou un in no time.
That night the two met, and Brown
handed Jones a bottle filled with a
murky white liquid, instructing hi3
friend to take a "good unnK" Derore
mine to bed.
"That will make you sleep if any
thing can. he said.
Two days later the two met again
nn the street.
"How was that stuff I gave you
to cure your insomnia? Was it any
I?" asked Brown.
"Good?" replied Jones. "I should
my it was. Listen here! I took It
as vou suggested, and went to sleep
soon after retiring. ihen a menu witn
his hetul under his aru came along and
M me if I-wanted to buy his feet
dragon on which I was riding slipped
it3 skin, and left inc floating in mid
uir. "While I was considering how I
should get down, a lull with two heads
peered over the edge of a wall, and
said he would haul me up if I would
first climp up and fix a windlass for
him. So as I was sliding down the
mountain, the inspector came in, and I
asked him when the train would reach
my station.
M 'We passed your station two hun
dred years ago, he answered, calmly
folding the train up and slipping it in
his waistcoat pocket. At this moment
I woke up and found that I had been
asleep ten minutes."
keep"moving
(Probably Written By Sarpy)
Beware of the deadly sitting habit,
Or if you sit be like the rabbit
Who keepeth ever on he jump
By springs concealed beneath his
rump.
Man was not made to sit a-tranee
And press and press and press his
pants,
But rather with an open mind
To circulate among his kind.
And so, my son, avoid the snare
Which lurks within the cushioned
chair;
To hike worth while, it has been found
Both feet must be upon the ground.
SOME CHARACTERS
I DAVE MIXED WITH
"Be chary giving advice; you may
not know all theother fellow is
up against."
(By A. J. HAYSEED)
Sandy Shaveum was a barber's as
sistant with the nerve of a book agent.
Like directors of railroad corporations,
he believed in putting on all the tar
iff the traffic would bear. When he
had his victim tied down in a chair,
he lathered so much around the mouth
it was impossible to open it without
ill effects. If one wanted a shave only,
he had to either get eoap in his wind-
fipe expostulating with him, or fol
ow up with a hair cut, a shampoo, a
singe, a tonic, a massage, and a few
other things.
Dan Doolittle was a schoolmate of
my youth. He was one of the slow
going kind, with a head that went all
to thought on machinery. He would
rather watch a complicated machine
run than eat, and built a miniature
thresher that was not bad before he
wore galluses. Given bent to his in
clinations he might now be chumming
with Henry Ford. But he was the
only son of two fond parents, on a
backwoods farm, and I will always be
lieve their selfish desire to have Dan
near them s poiled his life. About the
time they had convinced him his as
pirations were all day dreams, and
had him married and living with them,
they quit this world without notice.
Dan is still plugging along on that old
farm in Rip Van Winkle style, but he
was never intended for a farmer. To
him any farm would be a round hole,
and his make-up a square peg that
would not fit.
Sam Sitaround was a washer wo
man's worst half in a small town. In
their early married life he would get
and deliver the laundry for her, but
his favorite pastime in the summer
was an argument on the shady steps
of the bank corner. In the bleak win
ter he soaked up heat behind some
office stove and perused the daily
papers, or played checkers with other
small town loafers. He claimed a
weak constitution, but was six feet,
two, with averdupois to match, ate
three squares a day, and seldom con
sulted a doctor, bams wife was a
good washer while she lasted, and
made money, but she has long since
gone to the restful beyond. The last
time I saw him he was past three score
and ten, hale looking, and as talkative
as ever. But he never got to be a
bright light in his home town. It must
have been the village Joker who told
me their great mistake was in not get
ting rid of him early in life by boost
ing him for congress. He had two of
the requisites anyway a stately look,
and plenty of talk. And as to his
doing little; there were several others
there apparently in the same boat.
"Breezy" Doc Freeman was a bache
lor in middle life, popular in lodge and
club circles, and had a nice practice
in his profession, cut he took unto
himself a regal wife of the Queen
Anne style, and then his troubles be
gan, fane was a retired school ma am
with money enough laid away to make
her think she should have a first mort
gage on all her husband's opinions, was
a good looker, and had the key to high
C society in the town wherein they
lived. She also had n will ower that
completely dominated her hu.-band and
destroyed his personality. It was gen
erally conceded her beginning was in
calling him down for his social errors.
He was rather lame on society stuff,
especially where the fair sex were
numerous. Added to her other qualili
cations was that of an excellent house
keeper, and she insisted that Doc be
always there to help, except during
his office hours. She would not let
him out of her sight as little as one
evening a week, so he had to give ui
his club and lodge activities. He never
was allowed to smoke in the house
and always went out to the wood shed
to sneeze. When this became known,
and how he wiped his feet on the door
mat twice as long as any other man in
town, he lost his practice fast She
was a grand woman in many ways;
too grand for Doc, who quit her cold
before his time was out She is now
a charming widow, devoted to his
memory, but I doubt if she is yet
aware he died of a broken heart; with
the indirect causes, too much exercise
of her strong will, and a lack of back
bone exhibit on his part
William Wiseman is a local farmer
who seems to think that because his
hair is tinged with gray, and he still
exists, he should have a monopoly on
giving advice. William is considerable
of a nuisance at times, and not taken
seriously by those who stop to consi
der that he has been ranching and
farming all his life, and has very little
to show for his efforts. He has done
things on a large scale at times on
legacies left him, but they were
not large enough for a full test of his
theories. He is as full of advice as a
sand hill dog is of fleas in the summer
time. When his farm supply gets low,
he invades the editorial sanctum with
a few hot blasts as to how a newspaper
should be conducted, and he has been
known to wind up and spill counsel
around very carelessly among the lo
cal merchants and bankers. He does
not seem to realize he does not always
know what the fellow is up against.
The following story is an old one, but
is retold for William's special benefit:
In the days of the single barreled,
muzzle loading rifles, two tenderfeet
from the east came west to hunt buf
falo. At the edge of the Rocky moun
tains they wounded one, which, in its
suffering and rage, quickly turned on
them for battle. Both guns were emp
ty, so one of the hunters climbed a
small tree nearby, while the other took
refuge in a cave in the side of the hill.
There was but a short space between
the two retreats, and the buffalo stayed
with the hunter he could see, pawing
the dirt around the bottom of the tree
and bellowing madly. In a little while
the man up the tree saw his partner
emerge from the cave and make as
though to get to another tree. The
buffalo saw him also, headed him off
and chased him back into the cave. In
a few minutes the man in the cave
came out again and made another ef
fort to reach the tree. But the buf
falo was still on the job and gave hire
a closer chase than before. By this
time the man up the tree had become
quite excited, and yelled out: "Stay in
the cave you darn fool! Stay in the
cave!" His partner was just about to
enter, with the buffalo a close ten feet
behind, but he managed to get back
with, "Oh you shut up, you don't
a thing about it; there is a bear in
that cave!" Our William is generally
the man up in the tree.
Tonight at the Imperial the feature
photoplay will be Constance Binney
in "The Case of Becky." It's another
"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." although
it isn't anywhere near bo blood curd
ling. Briefly the story is that of a
young girl, Dorothy Stone, who is un
der the influence of Balzamo, a circus
faker. Terrorized by his cruelty 6he
runs away and is harbored by a kindly
woman and her son, John. Being in
need of medical care they call in Dr.
Emerson, widely known for hi3 re
search along psychological lines.
Dorothy suddenly becomes a saucy,
impish little witch, who insists that
she is not Dorothy but Becky. Dr.
Emerson diagnoses her case as one of
peculiar dual personality. This greatly
distresses John, who has fallen in love
wih the little ward. The climax comes
when Dr. Emerson is confronted by
Balzamo. A thrilling hypnotic duel
takes place between the men, some
thing probably never before seen on
he screen.
A special Alice Joyce production,
"The Prey" will be the Wednesday at
traction. The story gives the popular
star many excellent opportunities for
the display of her talent, her charm
and her power to portray emotion.
Successively, as Helen Reardon, Miss
OS
Fair play is the principle upon which this undertaking
business ha3 builded for itself an establishment where cour
tesy and efficient service await the command of the people.
Our moderate priced funerals are replete with the dignified
appointments that characterize burials of greater pomp.
Miller Mortuary
morticians
r hones: Day, 311
Night, 522 or 535
123 West
Third Street
Joyce i a joyou nnturcd mnid in ihe of her regard; a devoted daughter man triumphant over all her trials,
nrst flush of her delight over her en- j grieving over the tragic death of her with complete happiness assured at
gagoment to the man she loves: a star
tied and shocked young woman com
pelled to lelieve tier lover unworthy
father; a tortured wife tricked into last
marriage to a man she fjnds to be al- -
together detestable, and finally a wo-' Herald Want Ads Results.
r WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED A MESSAGE
IT. ANNOUNCING M
New List Prices on
Fordson Tractors
395.00 f- o. b. Detroit
, EFFECTIVE FRIDAY, JANUARY 27
V GET YOUR ORDERS IN EARLY.
Coursey & Miller
This Space Reserved
- - for
JOHN E. HENNEBERRY
PLUMBING AND HEATING CONTRACTOR
...
v
-!
I was bargaining with him when the
i MflnGBSKSSSSSSESESSE
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