THE ALLIANCE HERALD. FRIDAY, NOVEMBER t8, 1(121.
, RANDOM SHOTS
One of these pioiessional para
graphers remarks that personality will
Jielp you on your way, but that per
sonalities Mon't
BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY
Sheriff Miller is looking for some-
one with a knowledge 01 distilling,
who has had experience and knows
the game, to take charge of a fifty-
. gallon outfit recently captured and
.get ready to supply the Thanksgiv
ing and Christmas trade. If the fifty
gallon still is too large, there are two
-or three smaller stills available. The
sheriff insists that the applicants be
.able to manufacture a first class
prdduct, such as this city has been
.furnished In the past, and has already
contracted for a supply of dead rats
o be delivered daily.
The King of the Ad Alley points out
.that while there is no scratch on the
bookkeeper's right cheek, there was a
long blonde hair on his right shoulder
.this morning.
Now that the wemen are getting
'.their hair bobbed, it's no longer a
crime for a man to have a hair on his
-coat. Maybe he got it where he got
ihis dandruff at the barber shop.
.And maybe he didn't.
It'll be all right with us if the new
neighbors have a phonograph, but
there's one record, we hope will go out
uf print.
We uverheard an Alliance man tell
ing a friend this week that it had been
three years since he'd missed a meal.
""But," he said, "I've gone to six ban-
Don't discourage your wife if she
wants to associate with you, is a bit
of advice from one of this year's crop
of theatricel productions.
"Viola Dana, movie star, sees cause
for rejoicing all around, according to
her press agent. She recalls that a
time ago the cry was "No beer, no
"workJ" "Isn't it glorious?" she quer
Ses. "Now we've got both."
THEORY AND PRACTICE.
'The esteemed Times, discussing the
Lakeside oil project: "The Times has
not been given to 'blowing' about the
oil operations at Lakeside. Rather, it
3ias preferred to print the facts as the
facts were known and to let each in-
dividual draw his own conclusions. To
do otherwise would be sheer folly."
Two columns to the right, a headline
-reads: "Brings in 1,000 Barrel Oil
Well Near Rushville."
If 'it's sheer folly to blow about the
lakeside project, what sort of folly is
it to romance about the Rushville
project ?
When is a rumor not a rumor?
"When it comes from Rushville?
All wells ar? 1,000-barrel wells when
'the report first cme3 out.
The reformers who have been wor
ried about the love-making going on in
tthe court house may now be reassur
ed. It isn't being done by any employe
of the county, even if it is going on
during working hours. The only love
making anyone there knows anything
about takes place in the county judge's
office whenever there's a wedding, and
if it's ever permissable, that's the
time.
Jesse Miller was giving some good
advice to a young lady who told him
ihnt tVi mt were killinc Dana's chick-
ens something terrible. "Why," said
Jesse, "come down to the office tomor
row and I'll give you the name of some
dope that will kill every rat within
-four blocks." "Will it hurt the chick
en V asked the young lady, with an in
terested air. "I never thought about
that," confessed the hotel man.
TODAY'S BEST STORY.
A young fellow and his girl com
panion entered a soft-drink parlor and
took theirplaces at one of the wiggly
tables. There were many persons
DRESS MY TOP
The top protects you from
the sun, the rain, and all
other weather.
Now you should protect
your top.
Tops cost money, and wear
out fast, but,
Tops can be protected. I
have a dressing of my own
make' that will put, and
keep your top in perfect
condition, providing you
bring your car in a couple
of times a season, and let
me give it the once over.
My charges are so small for
this service, that you can
not afford to let it go an
other day. ,
When it comes to SERV
ICE see Al.
ALS AUTO SERVICE
Between Drake Hotel and
Elks Hub.
grouped about the room drinking
sodas, lemonades etc., through straws.
After scanning the drink list, the
young man proposed drinks of mod
est cost, fumbling the small coin in
his pocket at the time. The waitress
returned presently with the order,
taking the proffered coin. Then the
couple began drinking through the
straws. All at once the young lady
;n a spontaneous and somewhat volum
inous voice exclaimed, "My sucker's
broke." Whereupon the young man
admonished her, "What if I am? You
needn t blab it all over the house.
Some fellow was taking about an-
plejack yesterday, and the tender tone
in which he described the stuff brought
tears to our eyes.
ABIE IS BACK ON THE JOB.
Abe Martin II. nf Rrido-onnt-t l
back on the job this issue with some
wore. "While the light holds out to
burn" and nil that inrt nf !;
We'd kill the fatted calf, but we have
none. If killing the errand boy will
nil tne dim, we u sacrifice our fathear
in ms glorious occasion. Abe II
writes:
Going home yeste'dav after the rain
from the bakery, Napoleon Muzzy
stooped down and picked up a perfect
ly good, fresh, bright new ten-penny
nail. In doing so he lost in the water
a perfectly good, fresh, bright, new
thirty-cent pie.
"I sometimes wonder." said Dr.
Cyrenus Batt day before yeste'day, "if
the reason why the bench sox it to the
feller who conducts his own case, is to
drive home the lesson that the legal
profession is a closed shop. If so," Cy
sighed, "I see the truth of the old say
ing, 'He who acts as his own attorney
has a fool for a client.' "
it t, . j u: o i..
head the funny pages with the words,
"The Comic Supplement" But for
this precaution the chance for a laugh
might in many cases be missed
through oversight.
"Harry Welkinring had trouble a
week ago coming Saturday with his
landlord. They were about to parcel
out their parts of the corn, all husked
and in one big pile. Crabb proposed
to begin at the top, but Harry insisted
working from the base to the peak,
related Kin Gidley. "Well," said
Basil Grump, "I can't see what differ
ence that would make." "But," repli
ed Kin, "you see Harry is a socialist,
and he believes in dividing up."
A citizen of Missouri who in self
defense threw a Ben Davis and hit a
neighbor on the solar plexus, the blow
resulting fatally, was not indicted.
The coroner's jury decided death re
sulted from apple-plexy.
Said Jeff Fundy: "Speaking of
jokes, a man crossed the street this
mornin' carrying a peach-basket half
full of pertatoes." After a moment'
reflection, Prof. Eliot Herring raised
his head and remarked, "1 am unable
to discern anything in that incident to
excite merriment. What's the point?
Kindly elucidate." "That's just it,"
replied Jeff: "there ain't any point"
Duke Barrytone next day wanted to
know of Jeff if the Prof, bit as easy as
the boys was tellin' around. "Yes,"
Jeff declared, "Herring bit and I ketch
ed him." "The poor fish!" exclaimed
Duke.
"Then," said Jeff, "the Prof, turned
on me. He quoted something like thU,
that he said he laughed at thirty years
ago when he read it in the paper:
'It is a venial sin
To steal a menial pin;
But greater woes shall smite him
Who steals a comic item.'
The Prof, said he enjoyed the jingle
exceedingly when he read it" "Well,
I can't see any point to that," volun
teered Duke. "Just what I remarked
to the Prof. 'So you can not locate
the point' he asked. 'Apparently,'
he said, 'you think the pin is sawed
off.' "
A REVIEW OF "MAIN STREET"
(By Joseph Warren Beach, Assistant
Professor of English, the University
of Minnesota.)
"Main Street" is not the rtory cf
a Minnesota small town. It is the
story of small towns anywhere m
America, of big towns anywhere; it is
the story of American culture. Mr.
Lewis has put into a long novel what
Carl Sandburg has put more brieflv
in his poem, "The Sins of Kalamazoo. '
"The sins of Kalamazoo are neither
scarlet nor crimson. The sins of Kal
amazoo are a convict grav, a dinlrvater
drab." Kalamazoo is any American
town. It's children grow up with a
desire to see the vrorld; and iliev go
to the railroad station and luy tick
ets for Texas, Pennsylvania, Alaska.
"And when they have looked the world
Festival Bargains
ON SALE MONDAY, NOV. 21st
FOR THREE DAYS
Two boxes Medallian Sta
tionery for 76c
Two pounds Cascade, high
grade Linen Stationery,
for 61c
0 I
Two pints of pure imported Spanish
Olive Oil, for $1.26
A
Two bottles of fine grade Toilet
Water, your choice of either
Violet, Wisteria or Lilac,
for $1.26
Two bottles DeWitt's Cough Syrup,
for 36c
Two bottles Kodak Dyspepsia Rem
edy, for $1.01
Two boxes Imported Rice Face Pow
der, for 61c
HOT WATER BOTTLES
?2.50 guaranteed Hot Water
Bottles and Fountain '
Syringe, two for $2.51
mm
k 1 W- VX.J-S
BARGAINS IN
ONEIDA COMMUNITY SILVERWARE
One Set Six Knives and Six Forks $4.58
One Set Six Teaspoons .98
One Set Six Salad Forks 2.49
One Berry Spoon ; 1.19
One Gravy Ladle 1.19
Make Our Store Yours While Attending
the Festival.
HOLSTEN'S
over they come back raying it a all
like Kalamazoo."
But why stop with America? What
Mr. Lewis found in Gopher Praii e,
Matthew Arnold found eve'-y.'here in
England fifty years n ?o. See ' Cul
ture and Anarchy." Heine found it
in Germany, and I'hubeit found it
in Franco. They called it Philistin
ism. The Philistine i- the enemy of
ideas. People with ide:is lie regards
as cranks; and he think thev ihould
be put in prison and denied tiie pi al
lege of the mails. Div Wli Kunni
cott was a good doctor rmd n good
physician, but he was a Philistine.
Above all the PhillH'.iie object to
those ideas which go uudir the name
of beauty. The Philistine likes com
fort and he likes a show. He wants
steam heat and he wants out ghiss.
But simple beauty makes him un
env. And if he could, he would pass
a law againstjt
America is the hotbed of Philis
tinism. But there are hopeful s pm,
Not the least of these is the i-opulanty
of "Main Street" It is lifle !nrt
of a miracle that this book should be
a best seller. It i much too good for
that Mr. Iewis only knows the
temptations resisted bv him in Its
making, what he denied himielf in'
the way of the sentimental, the
"comedy," the "sob-stuff. " Ami peo
ple are reading this sober tale and
quarreling over it low-brow und
high-brow, up and down the 'nnll
Conviction of sin is the first step to
ward reformation. That is when we
see light. "Main Street" is the cuilty
conscience of America.
TIIE NEXT BEST THING
"Willie, where did you f,et that black
eye?" ,
"Johnny Smith hit me."
"I hope you remember what your'
Sunday school teacher suid about heap
ing coals on the head of your enemies."
"Well, ma, I didn't have any coal, so
I just stuck his head in the ash bar
rel." Boston Transcript
INHUMAN TREATMENT
Heroine (in the melodrama) "WhA
are those shrieks?"
Villain (relentlessly) "They hart)
tied an American to a chair and ar
showing him a bottle of Scotch."
London Passing Show.
'
It's a sad world. About the tlm
a man gets rich enough to afford a
fine automobile, he can t get his waist
line behind the steering wheel.
There are two classes of public men,
those who have nothing to conceal ana
those who think the press should. b
curbed.
Any good movement will succe-l if i
it is put over before it has a tha.ice
to become a political issue.
The marriage will probably be
permanent arrangement if the bride's
trousseau includes a few gingham
aprons.
Still, it's a lot easier to love oufc
fellow men if they are women.
After all, the best way to elevate th
massej is to raise children properly.
Prepare Now for the
Winter of Life
rE ASSURED of comfort and plenty when your earn
ing capacity is limited by feeble and dimming
eyesight.
The young couple who save part of each week's earn
ings are building securely against want and worry in
their declining years.
Sacrifice the small pleasures of youth
and practice thrift now, that indepen
dence may be yours when old age
overtakes you.
Open a savings account at this reli
able Bank TODAY.
We will gladly help and advise you in
all money matters.
5 Interest on Time Deposits
The First State Bank
r
s5
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11
. toprrffht 1111
Bf R. J. R.yaoMa
T.b.cc. Co.
WlulM-StlMk
M.C
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the national joy smote
