Comment-and
Discomment
Another one of th regrettable
thin RB that occasionally happen In
politics Is that President Wilson has
been deprived of the saf?e advice and
counsel of our own Bumptious
Bennle. Last week, In no ascertain
terms, the president was Informed
of the mistakes be had ma In his
fight to secure ratification ef the
peace treaty. In addition to this,
Bennle tells the president Just what
words he should have used In speak
lng to a hostile senate.
'Twas ever thus. Right here In
Alliance was a man who knew who
could hare said exactly the right
thing the words that could save the
situation and said them at the right
time, too, but the president, far
away in Washington, knew nothing
of this, and without this strong mind
and husky hand to guide hlni, erred
and went astray. The league of na
tions Is dead the one man who
could hare saTed It failed tq come
to the rescue In time. Knowing all
the time that he owed his country
an obligation, Bumptious Bennle re
mained Bllent, and chaos Is the
result.
How pitiful that Bennle didn't
sooner awake to a realisation of ils
tremendous responsibilities. . With
Ms gigantic Intellect to direct, even
the Ford peace ship mission might
not have been hopeless. If he had
only gone In with Henry, the war
might have been over long before it
was, and billions of dollars and mil
lions of lives saved. Alas, alas
and a couple more alasos that
Achilles should have"peen sleeping
In his tent.
Seriously, don't some of these arm
chair warriors get your goat? , There
should be legislation prohibiting an
editor from giving advice unless he
has earned the right to speak,., So
mnn-v men take themselves ton sen
ously. It 1b doubtful whether .Pres
ident Wilson would even stop to read
such piffle, even if it were sent to
him by telegraph. But Bennlo reels
.hlR resnonsibllitv now. It's a ter
rlble thing for one set of shoulders
to bear so much. Remlnfli us of the
Btory of the Janitor who resigned.
This lanltor Janlted In a small
public school, and his duties wore to
scoop snow .from the walks, sweep
the rooms and wash the blackboards
Incidentally, he shoveled coal Into
the furnace. One day he came be
fore the board of education and of
fered his resignation. The president
of the board attempted to reason
with him.
"What's the matter. Mr. Jones?"
he was asked. "Work too hard for
you?"
"None." said the Janitor. "It's
real nice work, and I klnda like It
"Want an Increase In pay?" was
the next question.
"Nope, pay's good as I could ark
for."
"Oot another Job?" asked the
president of the board.
The Janitor looked worried. "Not
yet," he admitted, "and I'm wonder
ing what my family will do."
"Well, If there's nothing the mat
ter with the Job, and the pay's all
right, and you haven't got another
place, what on earth are you quit
ting for?"
"Too much responsibility," said
the man who Janlted, "entirely too
much responsibility."
It was the board s turn to look
puzxled. They'd never given a
thought to the Janitor's responsi
bility. And they told him so.
"It's Just this way," said the Jan
itor. "Those women teachers Just
look to me for everything. For in
stance, night before last when I was
sweeping out the fourth grade room,
there was a note on the blackboard:
'Find the greatest common divisor.'
Well, sir, I Just looked high and low,
all over the building, and could find
hide ner hair of It. I spent all my
snare time yesterday hunting for it
but I'll sweear it's no place In the
building. Tonight, when I went back
to the same room, there was another
note on the board: 'Find the least
common multiple.' And now that's
gone! I know they ain't around here,
and I'm plumb wore out Trom hunt
ing for 'em. I reckon I'd better re
sign."
One of our metropolitan dallies
conducts a "nure food rage." which
seems to be about as apt a name as
the "Social and Personal" page or
a nearby newspaper, which often
contains police court news. The
"niira food" naee contains "Advice
to the Lovelorn," and other stuff
alone the same lines. One interest
lng item forecasts the return of the
nvrnnle. collar and knee breeches.
This is interesting, if true, as the
soldier said when told he had been
reported dead.
Now, there are types of masculin
ity which would be adorned by the
use of the Byronic or saucer collar
the womenfolks probably know
more about this than the men and
a few men might wear knee breeches
with Dleaslng effect. Take a list of
your men friends and mentally place
knee breeches on them. Then guess
how manv million years It will be
before a majority of the sterner sex
goes back to the older fashion.
A lot of folks have the habit of
writing letters to the newspapers
and some of them have something
worth reading. , A few weeks ago
some cynical cuss wrote The State
Journal expressing resentment at the
grasping preachers who were always
on the lookout for an" Increase in
salary. And the following reply.
signed by John Andrew Holmes, and
headed "A Form Letter for Clergy
men" is the best thing we've come
across In a coon s age. we quote:
"Lincoln, Neb., Nov. 21. To the
Editor of the State Journal: Noting
IMPERIAL
THEATRE
One Night Only
TUESDAY, DEC. 9th.
"My Sunshine Lady"
THE FIRST REAL JOT OF THE SEASON
the resentful letter printed In your
columns concerning the grasping
character of tho ministers who covet
Increases of salary, I have prepared
a form letter for the use of busy pas
tors who by dotens and doxens and
almost scores are receiving such ad
vances. It may be wrong but they
are receiving them, and they will
doubtless be glad to clip the follow
ing form letter:
" 'My Dear Teople: I want to
thank you for te 6 per cent enlarge
ment of my salary. It comes like a
benlson, as Mr. BUI Nye used to say,
when there Is no benlson in the
house. It Is the first time you have
done sue ha thing for twenty-five
years and I was not expecting it of
you.
"I do not know how to express my
appreciation. If you tip a waiter to
the extent of 10 cents, he maintains
a dignified neutrality; if the consid
eration Is a quarter, he bows and
thanks you kindly; make it a dollar
and you walk out on his arm. But if
you hand him a nickel, he glares at
you, and at the next meal he con
taminates your soup. Let me re
peat that I do not know how to thank
you for what you have done.
" 'But at any rate I want to be
equally generous with you, and those
of you who sell me goods will be
glad to learn that when my former
salary was fixed I was paying you 10
cents a dosen for eggs; I can now
make it ten and a half. I paid you
then 20 cents a bushel for potatoes,
but this Increase enables me to pay
you henceforth twenty-one. Instead
of the old five cents for milk, you are
now made happy with five and a
quarter. No longer will I exact
twenty-five pounds of sugar for a
dollar as I used to do, but will now
bo content with twenty-four. Come
easy, go easy, is my motto, and I
shall gladly serve you as you have
served me. Gratefully your pastor,
" 'INCREASE PARSONS LITTLE.' "
k V" &4 W & T. 15 fcJV U ti ! S3RJB.SV?:3 Hre.J
nfcQUIKM I)K IlOOZOt
The muffled drum's sad roll has beat
The highball's last tattoo.
No more at friendly bars will meet
The mellow souse and stew.
Old Crow must go; for Black and
White ,
Tee grieving drunk must pine
As Uncle Sam starts in to fight
For Nesblt's flag and mine.
and
The Halg Boys Archibald
Frank
Must shortly fade away.
"A bas" the booze for human tank!
"A bas" the Dubonnet!
Canadian Club shall rest in peace.
John Walker shall retire.
And Three-Star Hennessey shall
cease
To feed the stomach's fire.""
A Jug of wine a loaf of bread
A keg of beer and thoul
But not John Barleycorn h,es dead;
They're tolling for him now.
The muffled drum's sad roll has beat
The cocktail's last tattoo.
Red likker now must take its seat.
Oo back! Get out! Sklddoo!
Agricultural Advertising.
One firm advertised "friendly
shoes." Nowadays one scarcely has
a chance to get acquainted with one's
shoes before they Just naturally fade
away. Exchan ge.
Law is said to be the accumulated
wisdom of the ages. The trouble is
that we have to depend on so many
fools and crooks to enforce it.
Buckshot.
Just because city hotels with all
modern conveniences get fancy
prices for their rooms lots of the
little dumps In smaller towns, where
the wallpaper hangs In graceful fes
toons and the merry bedbug pur
sues in peace his" happy way, think
they, also, should get city prices.
Buckshot.
Someone remarks that the bigger
a town the bigger fools its society
women are. If you don't believe
this talk with the editor of a dally
paper society page some time.
Buckshot.
I I
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